Hogwarts: Overexposed, part ii
"Are you okay?" Tyler called, rushing to her side, but it wasn't a pretty girl he helped to her feet; it was a strapping boy of about fourteen.
Dr. Sceptile: Yeah. Why is that teacher still teaching?
"Yeah, I'm fine," answered a deep voice definitely not belonging to Emily.
Dusknoir: *as Emily* But I find your lack of transformation disturbing.
"I just feel a little weird."
"You look fabulous," Kim said gushingly. "Is there any chance of you keeping that form; I think I'm in love."
Humblot: The Brit said they already were.
Dr. Sceptile: Yep.
Fact Core: The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Although Kim was only joking, one look in the mirror confirmed to Emily that she indeed had assumed the form of an extremely handsome boy. Tyler even looked a bit envious.
Humblot: Even the guys want her/him!
"This is unbelievable," said Emily, first rubbing her chest and then grasping her new appendage. "Unbelievable! Who is going to go next?"
All: *facepalm*
Fact Core: Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs still in the shell or scrambled rocks.
"I guess I will," Kim volunteered, worriedly. "I imagine the hairs were all from the same boy, so we'll undoubtedly end up looking like twins."
Dr. Sceptile: Just like Gred and Forge!
Dusknoir and Humblot: *attack him*
Fact Core: The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
As Kim studied her potion, Tyler suddenly jumped backward. He had kept his arm around Emily when helping her to her feet and just now realized that his hand was resting on a boy's arse.
Humblot: Slowly, Tyler began to come out of the closet.
Dr. Sceptile: Which one?
Humblot: Third door, on the right.
"Tyler, it's still me," Emily said in her now deep masculine voice. "I still love you."
Dusknoir: *as Emily* As a matter fact… Tyler, Obi-Wan never told you who your father was.
Dr. Sceptile: *as Tyler* Obi-Wan said that you killed my father!
Dusknoir: *as Emily* No, I am your father.
Dr. Sceptile: *as Tyler* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GLaDOS: Please cease the constant ‘Star Wars’ references please.
"I love you too," Tyler answered tensely, "but can we please not talk about it anymore until after you're back to being you?"
Dusknoir: And they’re just standing in front of Emily while they do this?
Fact Core: In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group of Minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
"I though perhaps you'd like to hold and caress me," Emily said wickedly.
Dr. Sceptile: Don’t you mean “you’d like to hold and [gently caress] me?”
GLaDOS: *drops two storage cubes and a Companion Cube on Dr. Sceptile*
"Sure, offer me heaven when it's turned to hell," Tyler retorted. "You're an evil tease, Emily Potter."
Fact Core: Raseph, the Semitic god of war and plague, had a gazelle growing out of his forehead.
"I'm sorry," the boy Emily replied sincerely. "I'll make it up to you when I transform back. I promise."
Humblot: Would you please not? Even I’ve seen enough.
Fact Core: A nanosecond lasts one billionth of a second.
Dusknoir: *to Dr. Sceptile* Are these facts related at all?
Dr. Sceptile: *buried under the cubes* Don’t think so.
"If you two are about done lollygagging, I guess I'm set to do this," Kim said half-heartedly.
Humblot: If she doesn’t want to do this, why doesn’t she leave? Is her girlfriend abusing her or something?
Dusknoir: Not only that, but Emily’s also openly cheating on her right in front of Kim’s eyes!
Fact Core: Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Humblot: Once more about the sphere…
"Okay," Emily said reaching out to grasp Tyler's hand, but then realizing he had deliberately stepped out of her reach.
All (except Fact Core): YES! AVOID THE SUE!
GLaDOS: *drops storage cubes on everyone’s head*
"Whenever you're ready."
Emily watched intently as Kim swallowed two gulps of the potion. The involved pain had caused Emily to miss some of her own transformation and she wanted to see every bit of Kim's. She stared in fascination, as her friend slowly became a mirror image of Emily's boy self.
Dr. Sceptile: Why am I reminded of Sailor Moon all of a sudden?
"What a waste," Tyler commented as the change ended. "I find myself locked in a room with two gorgeous girls, just to have them both become boys; naked boys at that."
All (except FC): WE NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED!
GLaDOS: *drops three turrets*
Dusknoir: Duck!
"I like the subject Professor Weasley chose for the experimentation," Kim commented, admiring her nude male form in the mirror. "He's quite good looking and well endowed. Don't you think so, Tyler?"
Fact Core: The square root of-
GLaDOS: That’s enough now, annoying sphere. *claw reaches out and grabs FC*
Dr. Sceptile: *still ducking* Thank goodness. He was getting annoying.
"Guys don't look at other guys down there," he said firmly, averting his eyes to the ceiling. "We especially don't chat about each other's size."
Dusknoir: Size of what?
Dr. Sceptile: Shoe size.
Humblot: Harem.
Dusknoir: *rolls eyes*
"Guys are so odd. Girls are always checking out other girls," Emily remarked. "Maybe not their twats, but most certainly their breasts and arse."
Dr. Sceptile and Humblot: *stand up* FEMALES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.
Turrets: Activating… *shoot them*
"Oh wonderful!" Emily shouted excitedly. "I have to pee. I can't wait to see what it's like to do that standing up."
Dr. Sceptile: *bullets frozen in time around him* *crouching again* How alluring. Since everyone wants to know how to use a man’s equipment.
Humblot: *Reviver seed, ducks underneath seat* Humans expel waste like that? How odd.
Dr. Sceptile: Quite.
"Can I watch?" Kim asked uncertainly.
All: No.
Turrets: Nap time.
"Of course you can," Emily answered without hesitation. "I just hope this room came equipped with a chamber pot. How about you, Tyler? Do you want to watch me use my new gizmo for the first time?"
All: No.
"No!" he answered empathetically. "That would be gay. Guys just don't do that."
Humblot: He speaks the truth. Although, what is this gay?
Dusknoir: Early 20th to late 21st century slang for a homosexual activity.
Humblot: Ah. Well, he still speaks the truth.
"Oh come on now," Kim said, shaking her head in disbelief. "I've seen the inside of the boys' bathroom. You guys have those urinal thingies hanging on the wall
Dr. Sceptile: *nods*
right next to each other without even any partitions between them.
Dr. Sceptile: Um, no, they don’t, at least not in any SceptiCorp building. While it would save money, it can cause problems, especially amongst employees who need at least a simple divider while the main stalls are occupied.
Surely, you occasionally glance to your right or left."
Dr. Sceptile: And that has also happened before, when we actually tested ‘stall-less’ urinals- and it nearly lead to a sexual harassment lawsuit.
"Never," Tyler rejoined, as if to do so would be a dreadful sin. "Guys always look straight ahead at the wall. Only a fag would check out another guy when he was taking a leak."
Humblot: Again with the cigarette.
Dusknoir: I don’t understand why anyone wants to see waste expulsion anyway. It’s not like humans don’t already know how it happens.
"How about a girl?" Emily asked mischievously. "Would you watch a girl take a pee if you had the opportunity?"
All: No.
Turrets: *wake up and slowly trot up to the back of the room*
All: *sit back in their seats*
Tyler blushed, and then sheepishly nodded his head yes no.
Dr. Sceptile: Fixed it.
"Well you'll have the occasion as soon as you drink your potion," she said with a giggle.
Dr. Sceptile: Filthy voyeur.
Humblot: Is she offering herself or something?
Dr. Sceptile: Filthy exhibitionist.
Tyler shook his head awkwardly. That wasn't exactly what he had in mind.
Dusknoir: Well, sporking this today wasn’t what I had in mind.
"But before you transform, I need to find a bathroom," Emily said desperately, clutching her groin as if in agony.
Dr. Sceptile: You know, this author has a fetish about this…
"Over there," said Kim, pointing to a lone urinal hanging next to a washbasin on an otherwise blank wall. "I don't remember that being there when we came in."
Dr. Sceptile: It works like the Internet: when you need it, it vanishes.
Humblot: I thought that she wanted a urinal.
Dr. Sceptile: I meant the pool for her to drown in.
"I don't believe it was," Tyler replied, stupefaction evident in his voice.
Humblot: Of course not, the limited detail didn’t describe a lone urinal.
(GLaDOS mercifully skips the next part: Emily uses the restroom in great detail and fantasizes about being male.)
"I don't think that would make Tyler very happy," Kim said, glancing at the appalled expression on the young boy's face. "Besides, you'd have to lengthen all your dresses so that a stiffy wouldn't show beneath the hem."
Dusknoir: She wouldn’t care. She honestly wouldn’t.
"Speaking of stiffies, will you show Kim and I how to make ours get hard?" Emily asked Tyler, without the least amount of embarrassment."
Humblot: So Emily is narrating this to herself.
GLaDOS: There are three quotation marks.
Humblot: I’ll assume there are four, making this more amusing.
Dr. Sceptile: You know, I doubt Ginny wanted them to do this project so that they could pleasure themselves.
Humblot: Why not say m-
GLaDOS: *drops a storage cube on Humblot’s head*
Dr. Sceptile: *smugly* That’s why.
"Emily, take it easy," Kim suggested. "Tyler hasn't even transformed yet. Aren't you eager to see him as a girl?
All: No.
After all, we have three hours for experimentation."
Dusknoir: *growls* Not if I can help it…
"I'm sorry," Emily said honestly. "I was being selfish. Go ahead, Tyler. Drink your potion."
Dr. Sceptile: So she’s only selfish, not a rude self-absorbed perverted brat who is, I think, only 12 or 13 in this?
Humblot: She’s 13?
Dr. Sceptile: And the other two as well.
Humblot: I assumed they were older! Well, at first, but you know.
Truth be told, Tyler was not at all keen to drink the potion. The very notion of swallowing the concoction gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. However, the girls had drunk theirs and he most certainly didn't want to give the impression of being a coward.
All: Don’t drink the potion.
(Yet another noncanonical Polyjuice Potion transformation, featuring more unnecessary detail.)
Emily's eyes had been fixed on that section of Tyler's body, engrossed by the dramatic change, taking place. "If you'd like, I'll show you how to do that properly," she said with a laugh and then for the first time she looked at Tyler's altered face. She gasped in shock.
GLaDOS: I’m just letting you all know that if this Emily were in here, she would have a storage cube dropped on her head. Or maybe some Repulsion Gel.
Dr. Sceptile: What now?
GLaDOS: Something that my old company created.
Dr. Sceptile: I’ll ask Dr. Johnson in the R&D department to look into it.
"What's the matter?" Tyler asked with concern. "Do I make that ugly a looking girl?"
Emily didn't answer, but instead she turned to Kim. "What have you done?" she asked, alarm evident in her voice.
Dr. Sceptile: *as Emily* Why isn’t it me? Why not me? Why not? I wanna be the naturist s-
GLaDOS: *dumps orange gel on Dr. Sceptile*
Dr. Sceptile: *dodges* I thought you didn’t have-
GLaDOS: I only had a small amount of it, and now you’ve wasted it. Good job. *clap* *clap* *clap*
* * * * * *
"I know it's not very large, but they allocate the lodgings based on seniority and family size," Jamie explained.
Humblot: Who is this Jamie? Jamie Hyneman?
Dusknoir: No. No no no no no no no. Her name is Jamie Zachereley, she is the sister of Emily, and she is one of those perfect nudists, a combination of Harry’s bravery with Hermione’s looks.
Alex looked approvingly around the accommodations. "I think it's grand," he said excitedly. "You can always do an expanding charm if you feel you need more space. It's nice that the Headmaster is giving you such early access to it."
Humblot: And who is the Headmaster?
Dr. Sceptile: Snape.
Humblot: Why hasn’t he kicked her out yet?
Dusknoir: We made a deal with him. As part of the deal, he has to act all friendly in order to gain trust, in return for escaping his doomed world.
"He thought that I might want to do some redecorating spells before we moved in. What with preparing for NEWTS and the final challenge, the school year will be over before we realize it." Jamie sighed.
Humblot: Explanation?
Dr. Sceptile: Well-
GLaDOS: I will give you the short explanation. *Extremely quick reading of Chapter 1 of Through the Looking Glass* If you have any further questions, please think of what I just said, only slower.
"I can't believe how fast the last seven years have passed, "Alex remarked. "Soon we'll be having to say our good-byes to good friends, some of whom we may never see again."
Dr. Sceptile: What good friends? Amanda dropped off the face of the earth last fic, and your new über-special friends are going to be your coworkers.
Jamie nodded her head dejectedly in agreement, and then tried to brighten the conversation. "I still find it hard to believe that I'm actually going to be a Hogwarts Professor. Professor Zacherley! It just gives me goose bumps thinking about it."
Dusknoir: Why is it that the well-liked and extremely talented Tom Riddle was denied a job while the overly perfected and untalented Jamie Zachereley receives a prestigious job?
Dr. Sceptile: Didn’t you arrange that?
Dusknoir: Snape said it wasn’t him that gave her the job.
"You deserve it," Alex said, taking Jamie in his arms and embracing her tightly. "You've worked hard and now it's time for you to reap the benefits. Just imagine, someday you'll be teaching the sons and daughters of our classmates."
Humblot: I’m lost.
Dr. Sceptile: *as Alex* -In the ways of naturism!
"That's a good many years in the future," Jamie exclaimed. "As my dad always said, a lot of water will go under the bridge between now and then."
Dr. Sceptile: Meaning?
GLaDOS: That the saying itself is a stupid saying.
"Meaning?" Alex asked.
Humblot: All hail Dr. Sceptile, the amazing Psychic!
"That it is a long way off. Enjoy life; take one day at a time,"
"Speaking of enjoying life, what are we going to do for furnishings? We at least need a bed. You know, for sleeping and other good things."
Dusknoir: Why not sleep on the floor? It’s comfy, affordable, and goes well with the ceiling and the wall!
Dr. Sceptile: ‘Other good things’? Hmm… I didn’t know you can manufacture things-
GLaDOS: Or conduct science.
Dr. Sceptile: -yes, that too, with a bed.
Humblot: The more you know!
"Other good things?" Jamie questioned naughtily. "Do you actually think we'll have time for such niceties with you studying to be a legal representative and me teaching full time?"
Dusknoir: Of course he will. Studying is for losers and those who wish to be successful in life.
*In the Spatial Rift, supposedly far away but in actually in the space around the same planet the theater is orbiting*
Palkia: *glares at the 4th Wall*
*Back at the theater*
Humblot: Why do I feel as if Palkia just glared at something?
Dr. Sceptile: He does that all the time. Don’t worry about it.
"We'll make time," Alex guaranteed.
Dusknoir: *cracks knuckles*
Knuckles: *do not crack, since Dusknoir is a ghost*
"I guess we can find a few minutes for sex once or twice a month," Janie conceded, a devilish grin on her face.
Humblot: Look! The humans finally used their word for ‘mate’!
Dr. Sceptile: Yeah, well, in this fic it’s a once-in-a-life-time occurance.
"Please tell me that you're joking," Alex implored. "I was hoping we'd do it every night once we moved in together."
Dr. Sceptile: *as Alex* I want our relationship to based entirely off of lust!
Dusknoir: *as Alex* And for you to get pregnant when we forget the potion or it’s sabotaged!
Humblot: *as Alex* And I want to catch syphilis from you!
"Have you been talking to Harry?" Jamie questioned. "I don't think he and Hermione ever let a night pass."
All: Which means that their relationship is pretty much entirely physical!
"We've talked," Alex admitted, "but not about that." His voice suddenly took on a grave tone. "Has he discussed the third event at all with you?"
Dr. Sceptile: *as Jamie* All I know is that it’s a really, really stupid rip-off of Jurassic Park.
"Not really," Jamie declared. "He doesn't know any more about it than the contestants. Just that it will take place on Fantastic Island and that some of the beasts located there will be involved."
Dusknoir: Like the velociraptors.
Dr. Sceptile: Or the T. Rex.
Dusknoir: Or-
GLaDOS: Stop this comment or I release more turrets.
"He hasn't come right out and said anything, but I've gotten the impression that he is extremely concerned with the task taking place there," Alex divulged. "He gave me the impression that he's worried about the safety of the contestants."
Dr. Sceptile: Of COURSE he is! Because everyone feels the need to be insufferable pessimist Malcolm!
Dusknoir: By any chance, did SceptiCorp buy InGen?
Dr. Sceptile: Yes.
"I love Harry, but sometimes him and Hermione worry too much," Jamie declared.
Humblot: *as Jamie* There’s no way that this rip-off of Jurassic Park will go badly!
"Emily, Kim and I will be fine; so will everybody else. I imagine it's because of all the ordeals that they've been through, but the two of them have a tendency to be rather paranoid.
Dusknoir: I would assume that Harry saw Jurassic Park while in exile in the muggle world.
I'm sure the island wouldn't have been approved as the location for the task if it weren't one hundred percent safe."
Dr. Sceptile: Of course our iteration of Jurassic Park is safe! Then again, we let the self-aware Utahraptors run the park.
Dusknoir: I doubt the monsters run Monster Island.
"I suppose you're right," Alex conceded, "but nevertheless I'll be glad when this whole competition is over and you're home safely in my arms."
Dr. Sceptile: You know, I hope this island is ultra-unsafe.
"I'm here right now," Jamie answered lovingly. "If you like, I can do a cushioning charm on the floor while you lock the door."
Dusknoir: Wow. For someone who wanted to have a special first time, she has suddenly decided that the ground is better.
Humblot: Of course she has. People like this have no integrity.
Suddenly, the third task was the farthest thing from Alex's mind.
All: POV whiplash! Agh!
Vents: *begin releasing neurotoxin*
Dr. Sceptile: Run! It’s deadly neurotoxin!
Dusknoir: As opposed to undeadly neurotoxin?
GLaDOS: Yes. *drops down three turrets*
All: *flee*