Wow, the depths of self hate are astounding today.
I didn't take the medication today. I can tell. In a week or so I should hit the happy fun normal place if my hormones continue the pattern they have been. I love how I can only been normal if I've been bleeding for two weeks straight. I could stab my body, but that would be the wrong kind of bleeding and would only hurt. So no frustrated stabby.
Mostly I wanted to note (even though an hour ago (if not less) I just posted. Spammy day), that next year no one is getting to know what costume I'm making so that if it's such an abject failure the only one I'll disappoint is me. And I can quit and move on with no regrets instead of beating my head into the motherfucking wall over it. Yes, I just realized that's what my problem is. It's like telling everyone you've got this awesome sculpture commission and they should all come see and when they do it's a misshapen lump of play-dough.
Speaking of stuff that will drive me to the asylum, I'm honestly contemplating a Nano thing. Cause I'm an insane masochist who likes tormenting herself until her inner self is a bleeding, crying ball of jelly? Or because I want a project, I want a deadline and am unsuccessful at finding freelance work at the moment, and have no classes to use as cattle prods?
I still honestly wonder why the fuck anyone ever chose November for this.
The worst part though? I'm leaning towards NaNoMangO. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...oh god. I should do NaNoFiMo (like Ursula, who started me on this bad, bad train of thought) and you know, rewrite and get Black Pegasus done. Gasp. NaNoWriMo would get me started on one of the three novels I have planned next.
NaNoMangO has absolutely no idea for plot or characters or anything. But I can't draw right now, which makes me want to draw so much more. What? I have not a fucking clue. But it'd be drawing. And practice! Since I feel like a hack and can't do action anyway, let's go for it!
I really must like being miserable.
Very likely nothing will ever come of any of this and I'll spend November poking at Christmas gifts like every other year. But eh, maybe.
Mostly I wanted to note (even though an hour ago (if not less) I just posted. Spammy day), that next year no one is getting to know what costume I'm making so that if it's such an abject failure the only one I'll disappoint is me. And I can quit and move on with no regrets instead of beating my head into the motherfucking wall over it. Yes, I just realized that's what my problem is. It's like telling everyone you've got this awesome sculpture commission and they should all come see and when they do it's a misshapen lump of play-dough.
Speaking of stuff that will drive me to the asylum, I'm honestly contemplating a Nano thing. Cause I'm an insane masochist who likes tormenting herself until her inner self is a bleeding, crying ball of jelly? Or because I want a project, I want a deadline and am unsuccessful at finding freelance work at the moment, and have no classes to use as cattle prods?
I still honestly wonder why the fuck anyone ever chose November for this.
The worst part though? I'm leaning towards NaNoMangO. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...oh god. I should do NaNoFiMo (like Ursula, who started me on this bad, bad train of thought) and you know, rewrite and get Black Pegasus done. Gasp. NaNoWriMo would get me started on one of the three novels I have planned next.
NaNoMangO has absolutely no idea for plot or characters or anything. But I can't draw right now, which makes me want to draw so much more. What? I have not a fucking clue. But it'd be drawing. And practice! Since I feel like a hack and can't do action anyway, let's go for it!
I really must like being miserable.
Very likely nothing will ever come of any of this and I'll spend November poking at Christmas gifts like every other year. But eh, maybe.