Starting out in Spain - How do I do it?
At the moment I'm sitting on the sofa. Eating the last of the cadbury buttons my dad gave me and looking out the window every now and then to see if it's still raining.
Spain is going. Not good, not bad, just going.
I like not having a hective routine (yet we still have to see what's going on). I also like being able to go to bed and wake up more or less when I want.
Other than that, this is exactly how I thought it would be. I feel quite alone.
I think it's to do with the fact that I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. Because the uni option is still to be determined - Kent need to give their okay that I can be a student at Cordoba for the year - and they probably won't seeing as I'm not yet an attending student. Also, the woman from the charity I wanted to work with just has NOT emailed. What the hell.
So I don't really have anything to take my mind off of things, nothing to take my mind off how much I miss my parents and friends and cats and just life in general over there.
It's stupid, I know, because I have my friend/flatmate, and relatives and close family friends that live, quite literally, about 200 metres away. My mum tells me I can go to them with anything - it I feel sick, am feeling upset, ned help, etc.
But - just NO.
Even though I know these people reasonably well, I can't go to them. I don't feel like I could go to them. They aren't my parents. The only people I could go to when I'm upset is my parents (okay, and a couple of friends). The only people who I would ever let see me breakdown is my parents. They are the only people who I feel know me and wouldn't judge me, or get angry at me being upset, or - I don't know, I'd feel comfortable around in that situation.
I can't even express negative emotions like these to Azahara. And I feel like I'm being ungrateful, because I am lucky to have a flatmate who is also a good friend as well. And she has it worse than me in some respects, but puts up with it. Like lots of Spanish people do. I can't go to her telling her I feel sad, because my problems are so trivial - so English - that she won't know what to do.
Also, I really hate the thought of appearing weak and feeble to others. I now it's ridiculous, because being upset/crying/whatever isn't a sign of weakness, but I just feel it is....in a way...
Responisiblilities are really piling up. I have to sort out loads of stuff, because my mum and I couldn't get it all done together. I'm confused. I'm also not wanting to do anything because I feel incredibly fed up. Tonight Az and I are meant to be going to someone's house to hang out - I really just want to curl up into a ball and have a long chat with my parents.
I really hope this gets easier. Otherwise...well, we'll see.