# 3
I don't quite get why I post. No one reads... Oh well. Anyways... yeah. So I failed a last night, and tonight just a tinny bit though. So I guess I am getting better. Today I was really feeling the effects of eight months of it. I ran and like... my throat was dry, well it hurt really bad and I could feel like blood in it from tearing. So thats not to good. Also, my teath are sensitive now. Which isnt good. Obviousally.
As to stress... Well the continual fat complex. I go around all day thinking about it. How I look, my hair, my face, my shirt. I've started to put on a bit of cover up on a little discolourment I had on my face. I must check the mirror in the bathroom at least... 6 times a day. I mean... and its all I worry about until I check it. So that does add a lot of strees. All I am thinking about all day is how I look so when I get home its no wonder I am likely to try and do anything possible to stop that worrying.
School is also being a bit of a burdin. My classes are actually really easy. But I have skipped hah most of my psycology classes. I'm going to use the excuse that my grandma just died, which she did but it doesnt bother me I didnt know her well. Anyways... I think it will get me the sympathy thing going and then the teacher will just cave in and feel sorry for me. So uhm but I feel really guitly about skipping. It's my final simester and I am really really really worried about just graduating. -sighs- I still have to do my whole senior project. Which I need to do soon... Erm yeah thats about that.
I've been wressling with the idea about comeing out to my faimaly. I mean its really obvious that they suspect it. I should just come out. I dont think anything too bad would happen. Yet, sometimes someone in my faimaly will make a comment about gays and everyone laughs or goes ew or something. My dad still thinks its discusting and 'they need to be keped in their place'. I guess thats why I havent talked to him since my 17th birthday 7 or 8 months ago. Bastered. I really do fucking hate him.
I bought $80 worth of stuff today. 6cd's and 1 dvd. So that made me feel better. Funny how shopping does that to a boy. Huh... Would have rather been cloths shopping but like uhm trying on clothing wouldnt make me feel to good. The sizes and such. I don't look to good in anything anyways so I'm stuck with the 4 articles of clothing I wear each week I guess.
Jessica is still caseing me grief. I dont know how I feel about her. Sometimes I think I love her then I talk to her and am completly unintrested in everything and just cant wait to stop doing it or get away. Thats not love. I did the right thing in telling her. I should have been truthful with her from the begining. I think I am a bit obsessive when it comes to her. I have this sort of compulsive lieing thing when I talk to her. Mostly to say "hah fuck you I'm doing better then I was with you" I think. "Shows you for makeing me cry you heartless minipulative ugly cow." and then I realise how absolutly horrible I am. I'm not a nice or good person. and it makes me want to make myself love myself. Only good way to do thats to purge. I know. I wish I could tell her how sorry I was. I really do care for her. If I could only care for myself enough maybe I could love her like I did.
... and then theirs Claire. Her and Andy are going to be fucking in... oh lets see less then 30 hours. Her first time. I dont know. I mean I should be happy for her right? I still love her. I really do. I am obsessed with her. I hate ANDY. FUCKER. SHES MINE. but shes not. and never will be. She doesnt want to be. I feel really bad because she gets bored when she talkes with me. All we do is end up fighting or me holding everything back and crying. I wish I was good enough for her.
There is also the lonely thing. A complete lack of anyone to tell all this to. Go figure eh. The two people the ONLY two people in my life. Jessica and Claire. Jessica hates my guts now. Claire... well she cant be bothered to read anything I have to say. You know... I just wish I ment more to her. She says she loves me... I dont believe it honestly. Even as a friend. I feel more like someone she pittys and thats why she talkes to me.
As for Chris well... I like him. That's waying down on me a bit. He doesnt like me at all. We dont have anything in common. Neither do me and Claire. Jess and I however... were made for eachother. I really like Chris, mostly because I really want attention and because hes the only other gay guy I know. So I can kindof talk to him about things. He doesnt want to talk to me though so I guess it doesnt matter does it. Yeah...
Wow down to number ten. Okay well I'll finish this off because I think... This is the thing that bothers me most. Well honestly... I know its bad and it shouldnt but it does. Its my peinis. its 4.5 inches. its absolutly nothing. its shit. its worthless. I will never be able to please anyone ever in my life. I will get laughed at. and the part that bothers me most, is that theres nothing I can do about it. I mean... its not my falt. I cant control how it grows can I? No. So basicly because of simply the curse of being me. I will never, ever, get off with anyone. Or have anyone be satisfied with me. Or really be a 'man'. I dont blame claire for wanting andy. bet hes huge. thats why im not worth her time, or jessicas. Or anyones...
- Hurting badly, Jason
As to stress... Well the continual fat complex. I go around all day thinking about it. How I look, my hair, my face, my shirt. I've started to put on a bit of cover up on a little discolourment I had on my face. I must check the mirror in the bathroom at least... 6 times a day. I mean... and its all I worry about until I check it. So that does add a lot of strees. All I am thinking about all day is how I look so when I get home its no wonder I am likely to try and do anything possible to stop that worrying.
School is also being a bit of a burdin. My classes are actually really easy. But I have skipped hah most of my psycology classes. I'm going to use the excuse that my grandma just died, which she did but it doesnt bother me I didnt know her well. Anyways... I think it will get me the sympathy thing going and then the teacher will just cave in and feel sorry for me. So uhm but I feel really guitly about skipping. It's my final simester and I am really really really worried about just graduating. -sighs- I still have to do my whole senior project. Which I need to do soon... Erm yeah thats about that.
I've been wressling with the idea about comeing out to my faimaly. I mean its really obvious that they suspect it. I should just come out. I dont think anything too bad would happen. Yet, sometimes someone in my faimaly will make a comment about gays and everyone laughs or goes ew or something. My dad still thinks its discusting and 'they need to be keped in their place'. I guess thats why I havent talked to him since my 17th birthday 7 or 8 months ago. Bastered. I really do fucking hate him.
I bought $80 worth of stuff today. 6cd's and 1 dvd. So that made me feel better. Funny how shopping does that to a boy. Huh... Would have rather been cloths shopping but like uhm trying on clothing wouldnt make me feel to good. The sizes and such. I don't look to good in anything anyways so I'm stuck with the 4 articles of clothing I wear each week I guess.
Jessica is still caseing me grief. I dont know how I feel about her. Sometimes I think I love her then I talk to her and am completly unintrested in everything and just cant wait to stop doing it or get away. Thats not love. I did the right thing in telling her. I should have been truthful with her from the begining. I think I am a bit obsessive when it comes to her. I have this sort of compulsive lieing thing when I talk to her. Mostly to say "hah fuck you I'm doing better then I was with you" I think. "Shows you for makeing me cry you heartless minipulative ugly cow." and then I realise how absolutly horrible I am. I'm not a nice or good person. and it makes me want to make myself love myself. Only good way to do thats to purge. I know. I wish I could tell her how sorry I was. I really do care for her. If I could only care for myself enough maybe I could love her like I did.
... and then theirs Claire. Her and Andy are going to be fucking in... oh lets see less then 30 hours. Her first time. I dont know. I mean I should be happy for her right? I still love her. I really do. I am obsessed with her. I hate ANDY. FUCKER. SHES MINE. but shes not. and never will be. She doesnt want to be. I feel really bad because she gets bored when she talkes with me. All we do is end up fighting or me holding everything back and crying. I wish I was good enough for her.
There is also the lonely thing. A complete lack of anyone to tell all this to. Go figure eh. The two people the ONLY two people in my life. Jessica and Claire. Jessica hates my guts now. Claire... well she cant be bothered to read anything I have to say. You know... I just wish I ment more to her. She says she loves me... I dont believe it honestly. Even as a friend. I feel more like someone she pittys and thats why she talkes to me.
As for Chris well... I like him. That's waying down on me a bit. He doesnt like me at all. We dont have anything in common. Neither do me and Claire. Jess and I however... were made for eachother. I really like Chris, mostly because I really want attention and because hes the only other gay guy I know. So I can kindof talk to him about things. He doesnt want to talk to me though so I guess it doesnt matter does it. Yeah...
Wow down to number ten. Okay well I'll finish this off because I think... This is the thing that bothers me most. Well honestly... I know its bad and it shouldnt but it does. Its my peinis. its 4.5 inches. its absolutly nothing. its shit. its worthless. I will never be able to please anyone ever in my life. I will get laughed at. and the part that bothers me most, is that theres nothing I can do about it. I mean... its not my falt. I cant control how it grows can I? No. So basicly because of simply the curse of being me. I will never, ever, get off with anyone. Or have anyone be satisfied with me. Or really be a 'man'. I dont blame claire for wanting andy. bet hes huge. thats why im not worth her time, or jessicas. Or anyones...
- Hurting badly, Jason