Polarity
(So titled because this is going to swing wildly between untamed angst and extreme squee)
Wahey for dental surgery! I am to be sliced and diced and implanted with bits of pig and metallic objects and to be honest I have no clue what really.
Also, to be honest, I am absolutely terrified and would quite like it if we suffered some horrible accident on the way to the hospital. Well, I don't really want an accident, that would hurt worse and, y'know, could die and so on. Huh. I just really really really don't want this today. My mother is out of the country, and Dad makes a poor stand in, for all he tries. And there'll be people all around to watch me dissolve into panic the moment I catch sight of a needle. All the crying and the hyperventilating and all that is just embarrassing apart from anything else. And the pain and the fact that I won't be able to breathe straight for a couple of hours afterwards. And the surgery omg.
That's a lot of poorly constructed sentences right there. Remus would have a fit :D I've just finished a re-read of The Shoebox Project and am so much in love with Remus now it's quite painful - apart from anything else it is painful to love a fictional character (OMG STARBUCK*) and also because Remus is extremely gay and I am really not his type. But chapter Twenty Three eee! When he finally works it all out and just goes and leaps on Sirius after getting all 'like a real person' watching Caradoc and Fabian and yikes, I love the Prewett brothers a lot right now. Especially Fabian's bemused boggledness at Remus' attempts to work what he's going through out. And, well, that chapter resonated a lot with me, I suppose.
So yeah, I'm pretty freaked in general, if my hyperactive sentences have any indication in the matter. I just am really not looking forward to the next few hours :(
And WHY can't I get hold of last night ep of Studio 60? Why why why? *wails* I need Danny NOW.
But it's Starbuckday Wednesday tomorrow so it's all good. Battlestar commences! (Season two at least. In double bills! Eee! Starbuck! For two hours!) as does the 4400, happily. Oooh Diane and Tom oooh. Oooh? I hope so. I've been shipping them since season one (episode one) but then he went from being a singlee divorcee to having been married for over a decade to an unbelievably hot woman in one episode. And Diane got Marco, which was adorable. BUT NOW! Now they are both single! And Maia is cute!
And mum is home tomorrow, and the nightmare of living with dad will be over. He makes me lose control, the one thing I really cannot deal with. Eighteen year olds should not scream and stamp their feet and almost faint and really really want to hurt themselves just because they can't argue with someone. I hate it. The first night he was here I lost it for the first time in months. It was like watching a carefully built dam crumbling to wet sand beneath the waves. I've been trying very hard to be mature recently, looking after mum and sam and lil and the puppy. Mum says I shouldn't try to take on responsibility for the whole family, but with her fairly incapacitated who else is going to put lil to bed and tell sam off in the night when he wanders in drunk as hell on a school night?
And other stuff, I don't know. I feel like such a brat writing this but that's the point. I thought I was past brattiness, that I had risen out of all the selfishness I harboured in my teens, but one evening with my dad and it was like being fifteen again. It is like being fifteen again. Except when I was fifteen my screaming couldn't alarm the neighbours because we didn't have any (except the dead people). And now all squashed into this little house and claustrophobic I'm surprised I haven't snapped already.
Though at the moment it's a combination of three factors: Dad having not been here for ages, me being angry at him for all the stuff that's happened the past few months, and my fretting about today's operation thingy.
I'm going to die. Argh. But I have ambrosia pudding!
*Sorry for that outburst. It just seemed appropriate. :)