Project Cool-the-beans 2009
WHEW!
I had a big gig yesterday. I shat my pants the entire day beforehand. I was really, just, overwrought with anxiety about it... I couldn't be calmed.
Fortunately, Stuart met the boys for virtual-golf at around 1pm, so I was only really suffering (anxious/nervous) for about four solid hours just before the gig. It was just general malaise-anxiety for the day or so prior.
BUT, the gig went okay. I go invisible while I am reading my poems, and am only just very lucky that I seem to read slowly and enunciate and all that while I am reading them. I had planned/practiced saying things prior to the poems/reading, but.. per usual.. became nervous at the mic and only managed to be half as suave as intended.
I could have done better. Stuart said I was great. Many people complimented me and said they enjoyed it, even specific poems, etc. Still, I can't help but pick holes in my mistakes and feel like I could have done it better if I weren't so fucking nervous all the time. It's really damaging for me... reading in public.
SO, I am happy to say that - as far as I can foreseeably... see - I am not reading again until sometime next January. I am totally, totally calmed by this. The next reading is just a one-r for a Genomics Forum panel discussion thing.. I don't have to be on the panel (I asked if I could just be in the audience, thkfck), but I will read something from the crowd. It'll be fine.
I am just crossing my fingers that no one kindly invites me to anything until then. I can't say no. I feel like saying no is wasting an opportunity that I know I won't be given again. Every reading is another chance to meet someone, make a name or place for myself; I've already been offered more gigs and invited to submit to magazines and stuff just from gigging... so as much as it, really, unnerves me, I really ought to do it.
Still -- so very pleased to have a bit of a break til January.
BECAUSE!
I have to make our Halloween costumes (omg right now).
I also have to start planning for Thanksgiving (which I'll probably be organizing again, unless Cec [the other American] decides to). Then Christmas.
And doing my visa. And getting a job.
[there is a huge postal strike happening here right now... which I am saying is the reason my official-letter-from-the-uni-saying-I-graduated hasn't arrived yet. ugh.]
More importantly, I desperately want to get new stock up for my store. I am making (FUCKING RAD) projector slide necklaces. I am also making (also fucking rad) necklace charms from shrink plastic. I made the black moustache ones which are ever-so-popular right now... as well as an eye-chart one, and a necktie, and I have plenty more ideas if I can get myself in gear. I have yards and yards of chain and bags of clasps and jumprings and infinite potential.. but very little motivation.
Very little anything, which I think is mostly a property of 1) being stressed out, 2) not being able to get my visa stuff sorted (!!!) 3) spending too much time inside and not nearly enough outside.
I'll need to go out soon to get a pillow to stuff Stuart's costume hat.
I feel in better spirits already, just knowing my reading circuit is done for a while. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect to be able to deal with being on stage, to being "on" in general.
But now I'm calm again. And the flowers Stuart bought are blooming. And soon it will be winter, and the German Market will open up along Princes Street, and Christmas will be here, and then February & home.
I had a big gig yesterday. I shat my pants the entire day beforehand. I was really, just, overwrought with anxiety about it... I couldn't be calmed.
Fortunately, Stuart met the boys for virtual-golf at around 1pm, so I was only really suffering (anxious/nervous) for about four solid hours just before the gig. It was just general malaise-anxiety for the day or so prior.
BUT, the gig went okay. I go invisible while I am reading my poems, and am only just very lucky that I seem to read slowly and enunciate and all that while I am reading them. I had planned/practiced saying things prior to the poems/reading, but.. per usual.. became nervous at the mic and only managed to be half as suave as intended.
I could have done better. Stuart said I was great. Many people complimented me and said they enjoyed it, even specific poems, etc. Still, I can't help but pick holes in my mistakes and feel like I could have done it better if I weren't so fucking nervous all the time. It's really damaging for me... reading in public.
SO, I am happy to say that - as far as I can foreseeably... see - I am not reading again until sometime next January. I am totally, totally calmed by this. The next reading is just a one-r for a Genomics Forum panel discussion thing.. I don't have to be on the panel (I asked if I could just be in the audience, thkfck), but I will read something from the crowd. It'll be fine.
I am just crossing my fingers that no one kindly invites me to anything until then. I can't say no. I feel like saying no is wasting an opportunity that I know I won't be given again. Every reading is another chance to meet someone, make a name or place for myself; I've already been offered more gigs and invited to submit to magazines and stuff just from gigging... so as much as it, really, unnerves me, I really ought to do it.
Still -- so very pleased to have a bit of a break til January.
BECAUSE!
I have to make our Halloween costumes (omg right now).
I also have to start planning for Thanksgiving (which I'll probably be organizing again, unless Cec [the other American] decides to). Then Christmas.
And doing my visa. And getting a job.
[there is a huge postal strike happening here right now... which I am saying is the reason my official-letter-from-the-uni-saying-I-graduated hasn't arrived yet. ugh.]
More importantly, I desperately want to get new stock up for my store. I am making (FUCKING RAD) projector slide necklaces. I am also making (also fucking rad) necklace charms from shrink plastic. I made the black moustache ones which are ever-so-popular right now... as well as an eye-chart one, and a necktie, and I have plenty more ideas if I can get myself in gear. I have yards and yards of chain and bags of clasps and jumprings and infinite potential.. but very little motivation.
Very little anything, which I think is mostly a property of 1) being stressed out, 2) not being able to get my visa stuff sorted (!!!) 3) spending too much time inside and not nearly enough outside.
I'll need to go out soon to get a pillow to stuff Stuart's costume hat.
I feel in better spirits already, just knowing my reading circuit is done for a while. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect to be able to deal with being on stage, to being "on" in general.
But now I'm calm again. And the flowers Stuart bought are blooming. And soon it will be winter, and the German Market will open up along Princes Street, and Christmas will be here, and then February & home.