(no subject)
My life is a bit like Groundhogs Day, atm.
I wake up, don't change out of my pajamas. Don't do much -- eat snacks, play on the computer, try to write, try to send stuff out, try to get stuff done for websites I'm working on, try to keep involved. Usually take a long nap, mostly just to kill time, in the middle of the day. Until Stuart gets home, we have dinner, we play games until midnight, then we go to sleep.
It's not good.
Today I feel very lonely and miss my mom/home a lot. I miss the prospect of independence/making something of myself BY myself/driving anywhere I please, that I have at home.
Today I am eating cereal until the box is empty, making tea but forgetting it on the counter until it is too cold to drink, and crying for no reason.
I need to get my visa paperwork sorted. I've been stymied by the 'system' in that, it seems, my director-of-study's letter for me (saying I graduated) wasn't 'official' enough for the Int'l Students office, who needs an 'official' letter from the University saying I've graduated. This letter, I hear, will come this week.
At which point, I will take the fu'in letter to the Int'l Students office, where they will write me a very important document that I need to submit my visa paperwork (in addition to aforementioned letter). This will take them 5 business days to write, it seems. So I won't be able to mail off my visa paperwork until next week Friday, if I am f*cking lucky with the timing.
This means I will start my job-searching, sending off my resume & applications, potentially in two weeks or so, although I won't get my new extended visa back for some 6-8 weeks. And if I were to get a job that started on, say, two-weeks-Friday, I wouldn't be able to take it since I wouldn't have the visa back... so... it's all sort of up in the air. I kind of shouldn't start job hunting, but I really want to have a job lined up for as soon as I get my visa back. Also, in the interim, I have to send my actual passport away... so can't travel or do anything and feel really terribly stuck stuck stuck right now. Stuck and inert and useless and crap-at-life.
Horrible.
I just want the next step in my life to start. I've never been so behind. I've never felt so helpless to change the course of my own future. It's unbearable.
*
I have a reading on Sunday. It's a big gig for me, with lots of high-brow sort of Edinburgh literary vips. One of my tutors got me the gig, which I don't really deserve since the event is geared towards 'mainly Scottish writers', and I am neither british nor scottish... just lucky. I will have to stand on a big stage, which is elevated up from the audience (a plinth, a podium), and read my poems. I haven't written anything new in ages... nothing to read... nothing to read to the high-brow Edinburgh literary vips, especially. *sigh* My stomach aches just thinking about it, and so I am trying not to think about it until at least Thursday. Friday. These days, even thinking about situations which will make me nervous, makes me sweat profusely. I have sweated through my sweatshirt, just thinking about it, while typing this. =\
I've done a good handful of gigs in the past couple weeks as well... small readings where I've just done one or two poems, but the Scottish literary community is quite small and... so, you end up seeing all the same people at the events... getting to know who is who and what is what and... I suppose, what you are not intended to be or do because you are X,Y,Z.
(A relatively unimportant example is, that I will never be able to win the Eric Gregory. It's a prize for a collection by a poet under the age of 30. ..the poet must be UK born & raised. Many people who I meet on a regular basis, are people who have won/been nominated for/been commended for this award. It is a regular thing one sees here on a poetry bio/CV.)
(A more important example is that there is an, obviously relevant, huge emphasis on being a Scottish person here. Writing about Scotland, Scottish topics, using Scottish references. -- I feel there wouldn't be this at home, especially since the states are so diverse & multi-cultural/multicuturally-minded. You'd write what you know & bring to the table the country's diversity vis-a-vis your own personal ethnic/social/economic/etc history. I'm more interested in writing about my own mixed background... but it's totally irrelevant here since neither parts of me are Scottish. I'm trying hard to get myself involved in projects, meet people... but it often feels like no matter what, I'll not be accepted. I'll never be 'one of the group'.)
*
I'm depressed. It's only going to get worse, I can feel it. I'm so lucky I'm not on my period. But this is intense and it's been ages since I've been properly sad with no direct cause... so I'm worried at how bad it's going to be. Making up for past happiness. Peaks and troughs. Huge peaks. Huge troughs.
*
I had a dentist appointment last Tuesday. I got a filling replaced. Something must have happened during the session, as now my tooth (the 'fixed' one) and my whole mouth/gums on the left side is aching and sore constantly. It's not a sharp pain (unless I bother the tooth too much), just dull and constant.
A lot of things about my life these days are dull and constant....
*
I book the tickets (with generous Stuart's money) for us to LA. We'll be through for Connie's wedding (hi con!).
I made a mistake while booking (something about refresh rates and I must have used the wrong box or just been careless, tired, careless), and ended up originally booking the tickets for the wrong return date. It cost me another 250pounds (like $400!) to change the return dates... so I feel horrible and guilty about that as well.
Like, there is very little being asked of me these days... I don't have a job, I don't cook. I do our cleaning, I sit around the house eating our food.... and still, this one important expensive thing I do, I screw it up.
*sigh*
It is really hard for me to keep positive. Everything negative is a hundred times more weighty, pressing, disturbing, than anything even remotely positive.
*
Positive - I am a 'finalist' for a poetry competition. I think this basically means I am on the second-place list, and not that I have a chance to win. But it's nice to get free copies (contributor copies) of stuff. And I have to be cheerful about it.
Negative - I have been rejected for easily six magazines since last update. Usually from places my colleagues (namely C) have been accepted in.. which salts the wound even more.
I wish things wouldn't come in when I am in a bad mood... but it does seem like the rejections are the first thing in my inbox on the mornings after big fights or the last thing in before bed on days when I am feeling shit about myself.
I've just got to keep truckin & press on through. Soon I'll be home. I miss my mom I miss my mom I miss my mom.
I wake up, don't change out of my pajamas. Don't do much -- eat snacks, play on the computer, try to write, try to send stuff out, try to get stuff done for websites I'm working on, try to keep involved. Usually take a long nap, mostly just to kill time, in the middle of the day. Until Stuart gets home, we have dinner, we play games until midnight, then we go to sleep.
It's not good.
Today I feel very lonely and miss my mom/home a lot. I miss the prospect of independence/making something of myself BY myself/driving anywhere I please, that I have at home.
Today I am eating cereal until the box is empty, making tea but forgetting it on the counter until it is too cold to drink, and crying for no reason.
I need to get my visa paperwork sorted. I've been stymied by the 'system' in that, it seems, my director-of-study's letter for me (saying I graduated) wasn't 'official' enough for the Int'l Students office, who needs an 'official' letter from the University saying I've graduated. This letter, I hear, will come this week.
At which point, I will take the fu'in letter to the Int'l Students office, where they will write me a very important document that I need to submit my visa paperwork (in addition to aforementioned letter). This will take them 5 business days to write, it seems. So I won't be able to mail off my visa paperwork until next week Friday, if I am f*cking lucky with the timing.
This means I will start my job-searching, sending off my resume & applications, potentially in two weeks or so, although I won't get my new extended visa back for some 6-8 weeks. And if I were to get a job that started on, say, two-weeks-Friday, I wouldn't be able to take it since I wouldn't have the visa back... so... it's all sort of up in the air. I kind of shouldn't start job hunting, but I really want to have a job lined up for as soon as I get my visa back. Also, in the interim, I have to send my actual passport away... so can't travel or do anything and feel really terribly stuck stuck stuck right now. Stuck and inert and useless and crap-at-life.
Horrible.
I just want the next step in my life to start. I've never been so behind. I've never felt so helpless to change the course of my own future. It's unbearable.
*
I have a reading on Sunday. It's a big gig for me, with lots of high-brow sort of Edinburgh literary vips. One of my tutors got me the gig, which I don't really deserve since the event is geared towards 'mainly Scottish writers', and I am neither british nor scottish... just lucky. I will have to stand on a big stage, which is elevated up from the audience (a plinth, a podium), and read my poems. I haven't written anything new in ages... nothing to read... nothing to read to the high-brow Edinburgh literary vips, especially. *sigh* My stomach aches just thinking about it, and so I am trying not to think about it until at least Thursday. Friday. These days, even thinking about situations which will make me nervous, makes me sweat profusely. I have sweated through my sweatshirt, just thinking about it, while typing this. =\
I've done a good handful of gigs in the past couple weeks as well... small readings where I've just done one or two poems, but the Scottish literary community is quite small and... so, you end up seeing all the same people at the events... getting to know who is who and what is what and... I suppose, what you are not intended to be or do because you are X,Y,Z.
(A relatively unimportant example is, that I will never be able to win the Eric Gregory. It's a prize for a collection by a poet under the age of 30. ..the poet must be UK born & raised. Many people who I meet on a regular basis, are people who have won/been nominated for/been commended for this award. It is a regular thing one sees here on a poetry bio/CV.)
(A more important example is that there is an, obviously relevant, huge emphasis on being a Scottish person here. Writing about Scotland, Scottish topics, using Scottish references. -- I feel there wouldn't be this at home, especially since the states are so diverse & multi-cultural/multicuturally-minded. You'd write what you know & bring to the table the country's diversity vis-a-vis your own personal ethnic/social/economic/etc history. I'm more interested in writing about my own mixed background... but it's totally irrelevant here since neither parts of me are Scottish. I'm trying hard to get myself involved in projects, meet people... but it often feels like no matter what, I'll not be accepted. I'll never be 'one of the group'.)
*
I'm depressed. It's only going to get worse, I can feel it. I'm so lucky I'm not on my period. But this is intense and it's been ages since I've been properly sad with no direct cause... so I'm worried at how bad it's going to be. Making up for past happiness. Peaks and troughs. Huge peaks. Huge troughs.
*
I had a dentist appointment last Tuesday. I got a filling replaced. Something must have happened during the session, as now my tooth (the 'fixed' one) and my whole mouth/gums on the left side is aching and sore constantly. It's not a sharp pain (unless I bother the tooth too much), just dull and constant.
A lot of things about my life these days are dull and constant....
*
I book the tickets (with generous Stuart's money) for us to LA. We'll be through for Connie's wedding (hi con!).
I made a mistake while booking (something about refresh rates and I must have used the wrong box or just been careless, tired, careless), and ended up originally booking the tickets for the wrong return date. It cost me another 250pounds (like $400!) to change the return dates... so I feel horrible and guilty about that as well.
Like, there is very little being asked of me these days... I don't have a job, I don't cook. I do our cleaning, I sit around the house eating our food.... and still, this one important expensive thing I do, I screw it up.
*sigh*
It is really hard for me to keep positive. Everything negative is a hundred times more weighty, pressing, disturbing, than anything even remotely positive.
*
Positive - I am a 'finalist' for a poetry competition. I think this basically means I am on the second-place list, and not that I have a chance to win. But it's nice to get free copies (contributor copies) of stuff. And I have to be cheerful about it.
Negative - I have been rejected for easily six magazines since last update. Usually from places my colleagues (namely C) have been accepted in.. which salts the wound even more.
I wish things wouldn't come in when I am in a bad mood... but it does seem like the rejections are the first thing in my inbox on the mornings after big fights or the last thing in before bed on days when I am feeling shit about myself.
I've just got to keep truckin & press on through. Soon I'll be home. I miss my mom I miss my mom I miss my mom.