How Greek Mythology Inspired Fandom
Note: I know that most of these myths came about before the Ancient Greeks had an established writing system. This anachronism, as well as the anachronistic dialogue, is purely here for the purposes of the parody.
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(The scene opens to a young man writing. He is dressed in a chiton and his eyes are determined as he busily writes down countless names and familial labels. He shall be known as Het!Fan.)
Het!Fan: There! I have finally completed the outline for the genealogy of the House of Atreus! *wipes forehead and then flips through notes* Now, where I was going with Procris and Cephalus? Oh, yes, one of them is going to die… *starts scribbling*
(Another young man shows up. He shall be known as Yaoi!Fan.)
Yaoi!Fan: Oh, there you are! How are your romances coming along?
Het!Fan: They’re all coming along nicely. *stops writing and peers closely* Huh…I never noticed that most of them have tragic endings. *flips through notes* Apollo and Daphne, Orpheus and Eurydice, Echo and Narcissus…
Yaoi!Fan: Well, you could say that Orpheus and Eurydice’s story ends on a bittersweet note, since they are reunited eventually…after Orpheus is horribly murdered, that is.
Het!Fan: True… *broods* Well, at least I have my Odysseus and Penelope, my Perseus and Andromeda, and my Eros and Psyche.
Yaoi!Fan: True… *shifts* Actually, that’s part of the reason why I came to you today. You know that I’ve been writing my own ships.
Het!Fan: Yes, your own ships where men only get together with men. *snorts*
Yaoi!Fan: The men who like that sort of thing need to see themselves represented! It’s not fair if they only get stories about men falling in love with women.
Het!Fan: *mutters* Yeah, because it’s not like you get off on it. *clears throat* Anyway, so what’s the problem?
Yaoi!Fan: Well…if my men only fall in love with men…they can’t have children.
Het!Fan: *sarcastically* Oh, well-spotted.
Yaoi!Fan: *ignores him* And we both know how important it is for men to have children. So, they have to lie with a woman at some point.
Het!Fan: So, what’s the problem?
Yaoi!Fan: Well…do you mind if I borrow some of yours? The men?
Het!Fan: What?
Yaoi!Fan: Why can’t some of them like other men, too? Here, how about Apollo? *points to Het!Fan’s notes* He is a beautiful god who loves beautiful women, why can’t he love beautiful men, too?
Het!Fan: Fine. *grumbles* Anybody else?
Yaoi!Fan: Well…how about Achilles?
Het!Fan: Achilles? But the whole reason that he quarreled with Agamemnon was because both of them wanted Briseis, a female slave.
Yaoi!Fan: *eagerly* Yes, Achilles may have wanted her sexually, but his heart belongs to Patroclus! It’s Patroclus who finally motivates Achilles to stop sulking and rejoin the battle!
Het!Fan: Yeah, after he’s dead.
Yaoi!Fan: Exactly! Achilles is so heartbroken over Patroclus’death that he rejoins the battle with a vengeance! He savagely kills Hector and mutilates his corpse because of how enraged he is that his lover was killed! And Patroclus is the one soldier whom Achilles regards with tenderness and care! It’s so obvious that the two of them have been banging in his tent!
Het!Fan: But they’re friends. They - wait. You’ve been planning this out, haven’t you?
Yaoi!Fan: …Maybe.
Het!Fan: Damn it.
*Hours later*
(Het!Fan and Yaoi!Fan are arguing over notes. A young woman approaches them. She shall be known as Yuri!Fan.)
Yuri!Fan: Umm, guys? May I join you?
(Both Het!Fan and Yaoi!Fan ignore her.)
Yaoi!Fan: …and could I give Heracles a male lover too?
Het!Fan: Why? He’s one of the big heroes! And you already have Achilles!
Yaoi!Fan: Just Heracles and then that’s it. I won’t touch any of the other heroes. Please? *makes puppy-dog eyes*
Het!Fan: FINE. But you’d better not come near my Perseus! The only person that he loves is Andromeda and that’s final!
Yuri!Fan: *clears throat* Excuse me. *both men look at her* I’m looking to write romances where women fall in love with women. Do you think that any of you could figure out which female figures could make up my ships?
Yaoi!Fan: *disdainfully* Why would anybody want to read those? There aren’t any sexy men in them!
Het!Fan: And who would men imagine themselves as? No man would find those sorts of tales entertaining. Who’d want to read about a bunch of women?
Yuri!Fan: Well, how about the women who love women in real life? Just like the men who love men in real life? Don’t you think that they deserve to see themselves represented, too? Why don’t I get any goddesses to fantasize about? Hmm… *looks at notes* How about Artemis?
Het!Fan: Artemis? But the only mortal that she loved was Orion and nothing sexual between them happened because she swore to be a virgin forever.
Yuri!Fan: Her twin brother likes men and women, so why not her? Here… *writes down notes* In addition to Orion, the only other mortal that Artemis truly loved was Britomartis, a woman whom she rescued from the sexual advances of Minos and turned into a goddess.
Yaoi!Fan: Hey, are you sure that you didn’t copy me? I’ve already written a story where Zeus falls in love with a handsome young man named Ganymede and turns him into a god.
Het!Fan: *sputters* But Zeus has so many affairs with women! He’s been married many times to women and he has so many children with women. Gods - he’s practically fathered half of Greece! Why pick Zeus of all people?
Yaoi!Fan: So? Just because a man is married to a woman and constantly has sex with lots of women doesn’t mean that he can’t be secretly attracted to men this whole time.
Yuri!Fan: That makes no sense.
Yaoi!Fan: Quiet, you! You’re just jealous because your ships won’t become half as popular or controversial as mine will! After all, how many ships do you have? One?
Yuri!Fan: I’ll get more! After all, if Achilles and Patroclus are more than friends in your book, then Athena and Pallas can be more than friends in mine! After all, Athena was just so overwrought about her beloved friend’s death that she adopted Pallas’s name as her own.
Het!Fan: But Athena is a virgin too. *thinks* But then again, it’s not like two women can actually have sex, right? There’s no penetration at all. How would it even work?
Yaoi!Fan: Oh, yeah, that’s true.
Yuri Fan: Yeah…whatever you say, guys. (To self) They’re so clueless.
Het!Fan: Anybody else?
Yuri! Fan: Well…could I please borrow Aphrodite too?
Het!Fan: No.
Yuri!Fan: She’s the Goddess of Love! And she’s most definitely not a virgin. Why not?
Het!Fan: Because it makes no sense, just like Zeus having a male lover makes no sense! Aphrodite is married to a man and she has all of these love affairs with men. So, why would she want a woman?
Yuri!Fan: So, Zeus can hook up with one guy, but Aphrodite can’t hook up with one woman? *points at Yaoi!Fan* You let him have his token slash ship, but not me? That’s not fair!
Het!Fan: You already have Athena and Artemis!
Yuri!Fan: Yes, who are both virgins, so naturally nobody’s going to take their love affairs seriously!
Het!Fan: Look, what about the story of Iphis? She fell in love with another girl, didn’t she?
Yuri!Fan: That doesn’t count! She’s turned into a man at the end just so she can marry her beloved. Because heaven forbid a union between two women be considered right and holy. *glares* Why can’t Aphrodite have an affair with another goddess, too? I mean, she’s the farthest removed from any of the gods, so the romance won’t have as many incest subtexts, unlike half of yours.
Het!Fan: What? Oh, yeah… (Looks at notes) I never noticed how many of the gods have relationships with their own relatives. Huh.
Yaoi!Fan: Yeah, there’s Zeus and Hera, Zeus and Demeter, Hades and Persephone…
(Another young man appears. He shall be known as Incest!Fan. He has a wide but embarrassed grin on his face and he races over to the others.)
Incest!Fan: And Demeter and Poseidon! Don’t forget that Apollo and Poseidon also offered to marry Hestia, but she turned them down.
Het!Fan: What do you want? Are you looking to borrow some couples, too?
Incest!Fan: *cheerfully* Nope! I already wrote some of my own!
Yaoi!Fan: *warily* …Really?
Incest!Fan: Yep! Let’s see. *shuffles through notes* I have the star-crossed lovers of Macareus and Canace, who are brother and sister and kill themselves in the end. I have Byblis, whose brother abandoned her after she told him that she was in love with him and she eventually died of a broken heart. And…oh, yes. *flips through more notes* There’s Oedipus, who marries his mother and fathers her children -
(The rest of them shrink back in horror and disgust)
Yaoi!Fan: Eww!
Het!Fan: Are you crazy?
Yuri!Fan: Why in the world would you write something like that?
Incest!Fan: *is oblivious* And his daughter, Antigone, is betrothed to her cousin/uncle, Haemon, but both of them die before they can marry, just like Macareus and Canace. And I have Myrrha, who sleeps with her father and produces a son, Adonis. *The three blanch and Incest!Fan glances at Het!Fan* Oh, and I did happen to peek at your family tree for the House of Atreus while you were out and I decided to add a few touches.
Het!Fan: You WHAT? *Grabs family tree and starts scanning it for unwanted additions*
Incest!Fan: It’s no big deal. I just wrote that Orestes marries his cousin, Hermione, at the end…
Het!Fan: Okay..
Incest!Fan: …and that Aegisthus is also the product of incest. His father, Thyestes, who is Atreus’ brother, sleeps with his daughter, Pelopia, after all of his sons are killed by Atreus, so that he can have another heir.
(The rest stare at him)
Het!Fan: …Was that really necessary?
Yuri!Fan: Yeah, Thyestes really couldn’t have just slept with some random woman in order to father Aegisthus? He had to sleep with his own daughter?
Incest!Fan: Well, the oracle told him to. It told him that that was the best way to get revenge.
Yaoi!Fan: …Were you drunk when you wrote this?
Incest!Fan: No. I had help.
Het!Fan: From whom?
(A middle-aged man comes bounding into the room. He shall be known as Pedophilia!Fan)
Pedophilia!Fan: From me!
Het!Fan: *groaning* Oh, gods. It’s him.
Pedophilia!Fan: Yes, we collaborated with each other a lot. *Puts arm around Incest!Fan* The Myrrha and Cinyras story was my idea, actually. Incest!Fan just wanted to make them related, because that’s his thing. *winks at Yaoi!Fan* But I really like your story. It fits my kink just fine.
Yaoi!Fan: *slowly* What story?
Pedophilia!Fan: The story of Zeus and Ganymede, of course! You did write that Ganymede was a very young man, after all.
Yaoi!Fan: But-but Zeus is immortal!
Pedophilia!Fan: And he’s fathered plenty of young men and young women himself! Even if he’s eternally handsome, he’s certainly up there in visible years! So, he probably looks old enough to be Ganymede’s father!
Yaoi!Fan: Oh, gods. *Covers face in shame*
Pedophilia!Fan: And how about Hades and Persephone, huh? Uncle and niece, right? *Nudges Het!Fan* I bet he thought that she looked so fine when she was in her cradle.
Het!Fan: Oh, gods, stop!
Pedophilia!Fan: I was wondering if I could borrow one of the heroes for a moment. Achilles, maybe?
Het!Fan: You leave him alone!
Pedophilia!Fan: But I’ve already paired him up with somebody! You guys know Troilus?
Incest!Fan: Wasn’t he the youngest prince of Troy who was killed by Achilles because if he lived, Troy would never fall?
Pedophilia!Fan: That’s the one. In my story, Achilles falls in love with Troilus as he’s preparing to ambush him. But Troilus turns him down and so Achilles kills him. Isn’t that so romantic?
Het!Fan: *rubs face* So, now Achilles lusts after children, in addition to lusting after men, in addition to lusting after women. *growls* Is there anybody else that he lusts over?
(A young man covered in feathers appears. He shall be known as Furry!Fan)
Furry!Fan: How about a snake? Or a lion? After all, his mother was able to change into both when she was trying to get away from Peleus.
(The others back away)
Het!Fan: You…
Furry!Fan: Hey, everybody, how’s it going? *slaps down notes* Well, all us of know that the gods are able to shape-shift, so I thought, “Why not write a story showing them getting busy while they’re at it?” If you know what I mean…
Yuri!Fan: *hands pressed to head* Please stop…
Furry!Fan: So, Helen of Troy is supposed to be the most beautiful woman on earth, right? And her father is Zeus. So, I thought, “What’s a pretty animal that Zeus could turn into that she could inherit her beauty and grace from?” And then it hit me. A swan!
Incest!Fan: A swan?
Furry!Fan: Yes! Swans are beautiful and graceful and elegant. Everything that women should be! So, why not have Zeus turn into a swan when he seduces Leda?
Pedophilia!Fan: Maybe it’s because humans can’t have children with other animals?
Furry!Fan: Ah, but Zeus is a god! Anything can happen! So, he bangs Leda while he’s a swan and as a result, she becomes pregnant with Helen. And she gives birth to an egg which hatches open to reveal Helen!
Yuri!Fan: She…lays an egg? You people really don’t understand how women’s bodies work, do you?
Yaoi!Fan: *tartly* And I suppose that Helen unfurls from the egg with glorious wings?
Incest!Fan: And webbed feet. *The others laugh*
Furry!Fan: Oh, no, no! Helen is fully human. It’s the beauty and grace and sexiness of swans that she inherits.
Het!Fan: Sexiness? I think that I’m going to vomit.
Furry!Fan: But who says that gods get to have all the fun? And if you are looking for a half-animal child, then I have just the story for you!
Het!Fan: No! No more!
Furry!Fan: Everybody likes monsters, right? There’s Medusa, who was turned into a monster, and the Nemean Lion and Hydra and Chimera who were all just born monsters from monsters. But what if there was a monster who was half-human and born that way? Such as…the Minotaur! Half-human and half-bull!
Pedophilia!Fan: Half…bull?
Furry!Fan: Yes, I thought that this would be a nice tale for the Cretans, since they love their bulls so much. So, there’s a queen of Crete called Pasiphae, who doesn’t want her husband to sacrifice a beautiful white bull to Poseidon because it’s just so beautiful. So, Poseidon gets mad and says, “Fine, you love that bull so much? Why don’t you just have sex with it?”And she does!
(The rest look horrified)
Yaoi!Fan: How…would that even work?
Yuri!Fan: And she becomes pregnant with this…thing?
Furry!Fan: Yes, and he has the body of a human, from his mother, and the head of a bull, from his father.
Het!Fan: His…father. *looks nauseous*
Furry!Fan: Do you think that the Cretans will like it?
Incest!Fan: *trying hard to smile* Oh, they’ll love it.
Pedophilia!Fan: I’m sure that the Spartans will appreciate the tale of Leda and the swan as well.
Furry!Fan: *beaming* Yes, I thought that the eggs were a creative twist. So did my friend. Oh, there he is!
(Furry!Fan points to the new, and final, visitor. He shall be known as M-Preg!Fan.)
M-Preg!Fan: Well, you know me, I think that pregnancy is a fascinating and beautiful thing. So, I don’t see why men can’t experience part of the process as well. And I have just the stories to explore that. *whips out notes* Here we go, Athena bursting from Zeus’ skull after being delivered by Metis, whom Zeus has swallowed after a prophecy warns that his child with Metis will overthrow him. Zeus rescuing the unborn Dionysus from his dying mother’s womb and sewing him onto his leg until Dionysus is ready to be born…
Het!Fan: …I need some wine.
Yuri!Fan: Me too.
Yaoi!Fan: Here, why doesn’t everybody gather up all of our stories and see what the people think?
(Everyone’s notes are collected and sent out to the public. Days later, the results are in.)
Het!Fan: *to Furry!Fan* I still can’t believe that the Cretans didn’t want to burn you alive for that story you wrote about Minos and Pasiphae.
Furry!Fan: I told you, the Cretans love their bulls.
Incest!Fan: Nobody minded my stories either! In fact, my Oedipus story was pretty popular. *winks* I guess that all those men really do want to bone their mothers deep down.
Yaoi!Fan: Ugh. *makes a face*
(Everyone else congratulates each other on their success…that is, except for one person. Yuri!Fan is standing away from the group and is fuming.)
Pedophilia!Fan: *noticing* Say, did anybody like your stories, dear?
Yuri!Fan: *through gritted teeth* No.
(Everyone’s attention is now redirected to her.)
Yaoi!Fan: What do you mean? They all seemed to like my stories.
Yuri!Fan: Yes, they all bought your nonsense about how obvious womanizers are also into men. But me? Oh, no, all of my characters are just friends. *snarls* Pallas and Athena were just friends. Artemis and Britomartis were just friends. The fact that Callisto was lured away by Zeus while he was disguised as Artemis doesn’t matter because he knocked her up, so she and Artemis were just friends. So, to hint any kind of romance is just silly and reading too much into things. I can’t believe these people…
M-Preg!Fan: Well, Athena and Artemis are virgins, so even if they did love those women, nothing -
Yuri!Fan: Exactly! *glares at Het!Fan* But someone refused to let me write a lesbian story with Aphrodite.
Het!Fan: Because I’m tired of you all taking the characters and making them do things that I don’t want them to do! Besides, what difference would it make? Nobody wants to read a story about two women.
Yuri!Fan: Why not?!
Het!Fan: Well, it’s - it’s weird.
Yuri!Fan: *exploding* Weird? The idiots can get off by imagining a damned swan humping a woman, a woman banging her own son, or a grown man drooling after a young boy. But two adult, non-related human women having sex and loving each other? Oh, no! That’s way too much for their minds to handle!
Het!Fan: Look, just admit that your stories are lame and nobody cares about them.
Yuri!Fan: Up yours! (Faces the others) And screw you all! (Stomps away)
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And thus Greek mythology became infested with dozens of weird, unsettling, and sometimes outright disturbing ships. Hardly anybody remembered poor Yuri!Fan’s pairings, which were few and far between, and lacked bestiality, rape, incest, pedophilia and other such memorable themes. Het!Fan’s ships ruled supreme, followed by Incest!Fan’s as a close second, followed by Yaoi!Fan’s. And to this day, Yaoi!Fan’s words to Yuri!Fan about the lasting nature of their ships have proved prophetic, because while many scholars still argue about whether or not Achilles and Patroclus were lovers or just friends, hardly anybody seems to take an interest in discussing the relationship of Athena and Pallas. Likewise, while dozens of fans debate over whether or not Sirius/Remus is practically canon, nobody seems to seriously argue that Ginny is Hermione’s canon soul mate. Thus, in addition to democracy, astronomy, philosophy and so forth, the Ancient Greeks bequeathed to our generation a grand legacy…of skewed fandoms and messed-up ships.