[YamaChii] The Last Sheet of My Piano Piece (is the promise to you until death, I'll keep)
The Last Sheet of My Piano Piece (is the promise to you until death, I’ll keep).
© ainomesseji
Pairing: YamaChii Genre: Drama Rating: PG-13
Summary: And as he slowly plays the last piece of his written elegy of love. The contentment in his heart fluttered fully into the heavens where he knows his song is being taken by the one he deeply loves. Farewell, I love you…until we meet again, soon…that is his song; that is his promise. His unsaid, “I love you"-regardless.
Listen here for the Piano Piece.
…
The roses are dead…
The violets are deeply blue…
But what hurts the most is…
I’ve had no more chance to say…
The words “I love you too”.
I have always taken him for granted; the he, who had loved me regardless.
That’s why, as I play this piano piece. I think of him with all that there is of me. Regardless of what the people will say, regardless of the pain. Because, with every touch of my fingertips against these keys, they all harbor feelings that I have no more chance to say. Or even make him feel. Because, the person who had said to me that whatever happens, “I’ll always be here”. That whatever happens, he’ll never leave; just because, he exclaimed. Just because-he justified without a meaning. He only pressed it with an adorable grin, making it special… giving it what I needed-a reason to be contented.
But as I play the opening of my piano piece, I couldn’t help but remember something. Something special, something sweet, something that made love to blossom fonder inside my chest, because, even if it was long ago (eight years ago to be precise), I still couldn’t forget his reason. His “Just because” that carried a continuation.
“Just because,” I uttered out, as I remember how he emphasized his reason (with all his might), that night, before his fluff of pink lips dampened my tear-stained cheeks. “You are Yamada Ryosuke.” He proudly said. “The person, who I’ll love more than anything, regardless of what the people will say-what you will say, even if you will decline me and this love I have will be left as something that is one-sided.”
And that’s how much he loves me-how much I felt his heart enclosing me into a tight, yet very gentle embrace. However, that person who loves me dearly, he already left me. He already had taken a bite of Snow White’s apple, and left me. Assuming that maybe, thinking that maybe, I can live without his touches, his words of endearment and merely his existence. Because he, who had loved me regardless. He found nothing in return of his affection and love. He found my responses and actions contenting and I know for him that is something that is good enough. Always good enough…
But no-I object, since he’s wrong. Because without him, I could no longer breathe; I could no longer stand on my own two feet. Because regardless of everything that I couldn’t give and reciprocate to him. Still, his mere existence, it means something to me-he means everything. Regardless of my actions and choice of words, regardless of how I treat him. Yet, I was stupid. I was blind. I took his kindness for nothing. I shrugged it off and continued on playing as if I was dense enough to not know what he is trying to imply, and gently trying to weave into my heart.
That’s why; regardless of the reassurance and the utmost dedication and love he gives every step of the way. I shrug it all off and took those things as if it was a normal kind of thing-a mundane feeling. And now, I achingly regret such act. I badly-desperately want to bring it all back. I want to, God-turn back the time, and bring it all back with all my might.
“…Yuri…” I tried to helplessly hold back, but as I play one by one the notes I have composed for his farewell-his sweetest departure. My tears, it wouldn’t stop flowing. It wouldn’t stop burrowing into my heart that. The he, who had loved me regardless, and the he, who had taken me in and loved me with everything he has. The person, whom I have taken for granted, is no longer here.
Already…gone…
Chinen Yuri…
The acolyte of my dying days;
The symphony of my fallen grace…
The angel who have given me protection…
The wonder of the world that has given me love and devotion…
The person I love. The person I grieve. The person, whom even in my sleep, I’ll dream and kiss;
However, even if he is gone, even if I bore regrets and even if I carry such immense burden and pain in my chest. I couldn’t help but to smile-just an insy bit- a tiny bit of a smile as I continue on to play the music of my heart-my composed elegy, my sweet love song for the one I love.
“…D-Don’t cry, R-Ryosuke.”
Those were his dying words-his adamantly gentle phrases, as he palmed my cheeks, and kissed me deeply with such precious lips. “Don’t cry.” He chimed, as he lingers close to me his slowly fleeting warmth. The warmth that broke all of my defenses and shattered what I have tried to hide for a long time-my heart and my feelings to him; I love you-so please, “Yuri…” My voice hitched, my hands trembled as I held him close to me, kissing him desperately as I beg him to stay with-please. But, he is fading away from me. He is burning away like a forgotten photograph. “…Chii, hang on for me…p-please…” My words trembled at the end. And God, have mercy, I’m scared. So, so scared of losing my living light, but I know. I am being selfish. I know. I have no right to make him stay. Yet still, I just can’t let him go. Yet still, I just can’t allow him to leave. Not yet-not until, I have the courage to say…
Just to say… what I feel for him…
“H-Hush, Ryosuke…” He fingered my lips as he smiled. “Don’t worry, I know…” He chuckled as his breathings suddenly hitched, and his beautiful face contracted with a heart wrecking pain that I don’t know how to take away…how to heal. Just so that, he’ll feel no more pain and just feel okay.
God, please save my little angel-please, save my little one…
“Yuri…” I held him close to me, and soothed in his ears words (for a long time) I kept locked in my chest. But as I try my best to keep him awake. But as I try my best to make him stay; his small and lithe frame gave up on me-on us, as his small hands slowly lost its hold on my shirt and his breathing slowly began to fade.
“…’s-suki…’su-suke…” (…daisuki, Ryosuke…)
And he often says, “Actions speak louder than words, Ryosuke”. Actions speak louder than words, but that isn’t good enough for me. I need to still convey to him with words and actions how much he gave meaning to my life-how he means so much to me. But stupid me, stupid Yamada Ryosuke, because even in those dying moments of my Chinen Yuri, who had loved me regardless of my fear and insecurities. I still felt so uncertain…so insecure of the simple words that could convey to my Yuri the importance of his existence to me and to my whole world really.
But, it isn’t too late. I still have one last chance.
“I love you too, Yuri. I love you too…”
The pieces of my heart, I wrote it inside my song of elegy for him. I composed it with every inch of me, because this is our love song-the beauty that is called our love story and our sweetest memory. So as I play the last piece of my piano sheet, I could hear the mournful songs of my beloved’s precious people, including my own silent tears. Yet, even if all I can feel is emptiness, longing and loneliness attached with jagged breathings and shattering hearts. I still continued on as I play his song.
Because, even if that’s all I know, to mourn and play, because that’s all what I am feeling now. Still-yet still, even with all this contracting feelings in me, as I play this piece with all my might and with all the love (that I have not said to him)-regardless of the chances, regardless of the amount of time. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and smile. Because as I play the music that kindles my love for him. I can feel him with me-his small hands enveloping my neck, faintly leaving Goosebumps upon my flushed skin, while his pink, velvety sweet lips are against my ears, hushing my tears and whispering words that should mean something-everything to our forever love.
But since it’s faint, I can no longer hear. But I know regardless, it’s about how he’ll love me always.
“Action speaks louder than words, Ryosuke. It is and it will always be that way. But…”
And I know that, even if he is physically not here anymore. I know that he is with me (residing in every waking moment of my entire life, and engraved amidst the living epiphany, which is my soul) as I feel his lips brush my ears, as he kisses me gently on my head, before he slowly let go of his spiritual embrace and pleads desperately to allow me to let the two of us move on by simply just letting him go. Just let him go. “…thank you.” He whispered against the wind as the sound of his cute giggles resonated like music into my ears. Slowly bringing warmth and peace into my chest, healing me regardless of the loss I’ve had.
“Ryosuke…”
I know he is crying as he calls out my name through the transparent wall we have-the living and the dead. Yet, even if I know how afraid and lonely he is there, the way he called out my name. It is as if he is just right here (happy and content), playing the piano with me-like what we often do, what is used to be our solace. “…Thank you…” I smiled. “…thank you so much for finally conveying your heart to me, even if I know from the start how much you do love me.” Now, it’s his turn to smile. “Yet still, I honestly feel deeply touched and gratified. But please…” I know he is begging. I can feel it in my chest. “Don’t linger too much on me. Please, live your life. Because I promise that even if I am gone. I’ll never forget you guys, especially you, whom I am in love with forever, regardless.” He sobs and cries as he wishes and hopes for mine and the people that he loves’ happiness for all time.
So easing his pain and easing his worries. So that he wouldn’t cry anymore. I promised him something that I know will be good enough. Because, he knows me and he knows the fact that if it’s him; I’ll never, ever do anything that will hurt him. And forgetting about him is one thing he’ll never like. So, I’ll never do so, because I’ll live my life engraving into my heart that I am only Chinen Yuri. I’ll forever be his, no matter what.
“I’ll try…”
I whispered as I silently cry against the piano, where I continue on to play his farewell lullaby. And, I know that as I cry. He stumbles from where I am and tries to be close to me-closer. Closer as this invisible wall can pull me. Because I know that it’s hard for him to see this vulnerable side of me, especially since he knows that he is the cause of it. Yet, I know that how hard this may be for him. I know. I simply just know that he’ll try his hardest to fight this loneliness overwhelming me. With his lips, which I know is only centimeter apart from my trembling ones. With his arms, extended to me like wings, ready to envelope me with the safest shield and the warmest hug, even for the last time.
“I love you, Yuri. I’ll miss you.”
I said those words to reassure him and to soothe him that he can go. And that he can be certain that when tomorrow comes, everything will be alright. I will be alright. And hearing such words-such phrases from me, I badly know that he is smiling as he gently brushes my tears away with his little fingers.
Because I know, I badly know that it is time to say goodbye. So I should smile back for him, so that he can carry something beautiful in the other life. Yet my tears, I know, it wouldn’t-couldn’t stop falling as I close my eyes. Because, as I end my elegy of love and goodbye. I know I need to face the fact that when I open my eyes, there will be no more Chinen Yuri, who’ll make me feel safe and warm-loved and very much alive. So I cried. I simply just cried.
Because, all be damn, I’m hurt. I love him. He is my life. He is my whole meaning. He is my Chinen Yuri. My past, my present and my supposedly future and forever-“I…”
“…Hush, don’t cry now.”
I heard him say as the wind blew pass me, playing against my hair, tingling against my skin, making me feel serene and peaceful. And somewhat telling me and reminding me that…
I’ll love you, always-Ryosuke.
I’ll love you forever.
Though for now let me lay in your heart
Until we meet again…
Into the land where you and I can be together-always and forevermore…
Fin.
Author’s Note: I don’t know if people are still reading my stories, but yeah-regardless. I hope to those few, who are still being taken away by my crappy writing-style and plot lines, will enjoy this. By the way, the word, ‘regardless’ in this story has quite a meaning attached to it. It is just how their love works, despite of-in spite of and regardless of, whatever that have ever come between them, especially Ryosuke’s uncertainty and fear. His insecurity to his own self of how he’ll be able to make Yuri feel the love he has for his little one, until the very end.
Regardless (adverb);
Meaning: In spite of everything; without regard to drawbacks
Just like YamaChii and their love, right? So I really hope Ryosuke and Yuri has conveyed to you guys their melancholy and sweetest elegy, especially Ryosuke. Comments are really love, a little “hi” would be enough. Thank you so much.