The Google Translate Serie A Nonhuman Starting XIs
Spamming Napoli’s Champions League heroics is obviously going to take me a day or two, so in the interim I thought I’d offer this helpful diagram to everyone who has wondered precisely how many animals there are in Serie A and whether they could make a starting lineup. Turns out there were enough for a full match! \o/ Just.
Important discoveries: the animals are actually all at Cagliari, not Inter; there’s a shocking lack of animal diversity, due to Goog’s refusal to understand non-Roman fonts; and we have a severe paucity of strikers.
TURKEY AND RHINO TEAM: 4-1-4-1
Keeper: Gianluca Curci (Roma) means “turkey” in Romanian. (Well, curcă does, and that’s close enough for Google Translate.)
Left Back: Catania’s Tom (Wellington Teixeira dos Montes). I could have made him a cat instead, but I thought Curci would be happier with a turkey friend.
Centre-backs: 1. Andrea Coda of Udinese. (Coda means “tail” in Italian. Picked the first creature that came up under a “long tail” search, which turned out to be a lemur.)
2. Michele Canini of Cagliari. He’s a dog.
Right Back: Lucio (Inter). Initially I put Flamini here to annoy him, but I needed him in the midfield and, also, Lucio’s fish body was taking up far too much space. He’ll enjoy himself there, even if no-one else does. (Lucio means “pike” in Spanish.)
Defensive Midfielder: Rino Gattuso (Milan). OK, his health isn’t great, but everyone’ll run away when they see him so he won’t have to do much.
Left Wing: Cristian Llama (Catania)
Central Midfielders: Antonio Nocerino (Milan), who’s a rhinoceros, and Mathieu Flamini (also Milan), who’s a flamingo. (Yes, “Flamini” did turn into “flamingo” in Basque, so it’s 100% legit. Ha.)
Right Wing (appropriately enough): Pato, Milan. (His Wiki tells me can can play there, anyway.)
Striker: Nicolas Bovi, Cagliari, who’s a bull.
Coach: Bertolo Mutti, Palermo, who’s a mutt.
KITTEN TEAM: ALSO 4-1-4-1
Keeper: Napoli’s Roberto Colombo (dove or pigeon in Italian). He’s our third choice, but never mind.
Left Back: Genoa’s Miguel Veloso, who’s a lamb. His surname means “fleecy”, and I had to make up the numbers.
Central defenders: Andrea Ranocchia of Inter, who’s a frog, and Davide Astori of Cagliari, who is by far our most complicated animal since he is both a donkey in Basque and at least two goshawks in Italian. Alas, I don’t think that means he can be the whole defence by himself.
Right Back: Gabriele Perico of Cagliari, whose name means “parakeet” in Spanish and “parrot” in Catalan.
Defensive Midfielder: Enrico Zampa (Lazio): his name means “paw”, so I made him a cat since I had one hanging around already. (Incidentally, I hope he pulls that face all the time.)
Left Wing: Simone Pesce of Novara, who’s a fish.
Central Midfielders: Angelo Palombo of Inter, who’s a common smooth-hound (that’s a fish), and Tibor Cica of Cesena, whose name means “kitten” in Hungarian. (This must be very confusing for him, cos he’s actually Swedish.)
Right Wing: Luigi Falcone of Lecce.
Striker: Matej Vydra of Udinese, whose name means “otter” in Slovak although he’s actually Czech. [Edit: it means the same in Czech. Doh.]
Coach: Filippo Porcari of Novara, whose name means “swineherds” in Italian and Romanian.
Referees
Luca Bantam (Banti) will officiate. Daniele Doveri will be the fourth official. Alas, I couldn’t stretch to linesmen (Pippo will be pleased), though if Bunny really insists I suppose I could include Andrea De Barko.
So there you have it! Please offer suggestions/corrections/better tactical formations in the comments.