(no subject)
Regarding my last post, to which I got some lovely thoughtful replies (thank you, gavin, rainkatt, and queenofattolia)...I had so much to say in return to those comments that I felt I needed a whole post for it.
I realized there was one phrase in that post I'd used without thinking, and that it gave the wrong impression. The phrase in question was, of course, "right magical boy." I think I can honestly say that I'm not holding out for perfection -- in fact, my net is actually cast wider than its ever been, right in line with your suggestions. (I was actually pretty jazzed about going out with a shortish, balding Jewish guy a few weeks ago and how unlike me is that? He has Xander-like qualities, to my mind. And now you all understand. ;) Although I don't think he's interested, at this point.) What I should have said was something like "man on whom it's obviously a good idea to take a chance," because the real problem is, I've thrown out so many of my former standards and ideas about what I should be looking for -- mostly because I no longer trust my own instincts -- that I now have no idea what "right" looks like.
I don't know for sure what I want, I just know what I DON'T want -- most everything I've had before. (At the bare minimum, I should have no more need of being granted restraining orders. :-/) But I don't know what to replace the old stuff with, and everything makes me worry about making the wrong choice. If I meet someone who's just like me, I go "Oh no! He's just like me! And I'm NUTS, so we'd just be two nutty people bringing out each other's worst sides!" (It's even worse if he's not even "working on" his nuttiness in ways I approve of -- then I figure he's just a time bomb in shoes.) Then if I meet someone who's not like me, I go "Oh no! He's NOT nuts! So when I'M nuts he'll never understand!"
Then there's the timing thing, whereupon if I do decide I'd like to give someone a try there's no guarantee he's free or wants to try back (the Xander-esque Jewish guy, for example). Or vice versa. The idea of finding someone I think is good and safe to try with who 1) agrees and is interested and 2) and is available, mentally and entanglement-wise AT the same time I'm thinking so just seems infinitesimal some days.
I'm also particularly un-good at just sitting back and chilling and letting things develop -- I have a horrible time getting out of the way of the process. The only time I'm good at it is when the other person is taken and the restraints are sort of built in, which is why I've gotten together with so many taken people in my life (not that that's a good thing. In fact it's finally clear to me why one should never accept anybody who'd agree to go with you down that road.) That's really my challenge now, and all this is actually a result of my having gotten healthier -- I will no longer accept the old ways I used to do things, but I'm still flailing to find new, better skills and I'm nowhere near proficient at them yet. I'm still experimenting like I'm 13 or something, with the main difference being that I'm constantly feeling the clock ticking, which always gets in the way of being chill.
(And thanks for your comments on my non-oldness-and/or-fatness. I wasn't fishing for compliments or anything but hey, who am I to turn them down when they show up? My roommate and I like to remind each other that we are people who have trouble seeing themselves "right size," so I guess you guys chimed in for me when she wasn't around. :) )
(Speaking of roommates, I'm now apparently not going to be moving until May 1st or later...the roomie has many many things on her plate just now, including a nephew who's due for a kidney transplant (as soon as he recovers from near heart failure), taxes and the lot. We've decided that paying the new raised rent for a month or two after our lease is up is a much lesser burden than moving, so it's looking fairly certain that the roomie would like to wait, and I'm fairly certain I'd like to pay lower rent and utilities for as long as I can. She also seems to think she can use the extra month or two to get herself more organized before she goes, which...I don't think she's actually going to do, but again, lower rent, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. I'm just going to chill about it until I know for sure I have to look. Hell, at least I'm chill about something, for now. ;) )
Anyway, that's the scoop, as best as I can explain it just now. And gavin's right, everybody makes a fool of themselves in romance, but man would I like to be exempt from that, lol. I really really would. :)
I realized there was one phrase in that post I'd used without thinking, and that it gave the wrong impression. The phrase in question was, of course, "right magical boy." I think I can honestly say that I'm not holding out for perfection -- in fact, my net is actually cast wider than its ever been, right in line with your suggestions. (I was actually pretty jazzed about going out with a shortish, balding Jewish guy a few weeks ago and how unlike me is that? He has Xander-like qualities, to my mind. And now you all understand. ;) Although I don't think he's interested, at this point.) What I should have said was something like "man on whom it's obviously a good idea to take a chance," because the real problem is, I've thrown out so many of my former standards and ideas about what I should be looking for -- mostly because I no longer trust my own instincts -- that I now have no idea what "right" looks like.
I don't know for sure what I want, I just know what I DON'T want -- most everything I've had before. (At the bare minimum, I should have no more need of being granted restraining orders. :-/) But I don't know what to replace the old stuff with, and everything makes me worry about making the wrong choice. If I meet someone who's just like me, I go "Oh no! He's just like me! And I'm NUTS, so we'd just be two nutty people bringing out each other's worst sides!" (It's even worse if he's not even "working on" his nuttiness in ways I approve of -- then I figure he's just a time bomb in shoes.) Then if I meet someone who's not like me, I go "Oh no! He's NOT nuts! So when I'M nuts he'll never understand!"
Then there's the timing thing, whereupon if I do decide I'd like to give someone a try there's no guarantee he's free or wants to try back (the Xander-esque Jewish guy, for example). Or vice versa. The idea of finding someone I think is good and safe to try with who 1) agrees and is interested and 2) and is available, mentally and entanglement-wise AT the same time I'm thinking so just seems infinitesimal some days.
I'm also particularly un-good at just sitting back and chilling and letting things develop -- I have a horrible time getting out of the way of the process. The only time I'm good at it is when the other person is taken and the restraints are sort of built in, which is why I've gotten together with so many taken people in my life (not that that's a good thing. In fact it's finally clear to me why one should never accept anybody who'd agree to go with you down that road.) That's really my challenge now, and all this is actually a result of my having gotten healthier -- I will no longer accept the old ways I used to do things, but I'm still flailing to find new, better skills and I'm nowhere near proficient at them yet. I'm still experimenting like I'm 13 or something, with the main difference being that I'm constantly feeling the clock ticking, which always gets in the way of being chill.
(And thanks for your comments on my non-oldness-and/or-fatness. I wasn't fishing for compliments or anything but hey, who am I to turn them down when they show up? My roommate and I like to remind each other that we are people who have trouble seeing themselves "right size," so I guess you guys chimed in for me when she wasn't around. :) )
(Speaking of roommates, I'm now apparently not going to be moving until May 1st or later...the roomie has many many things on her plate just now, including a nephew who's due for a kidney transplant (as soon as he recovers from near heart failure), taxes and the lot. We've decided that paying the new raised rent for a month or two after our lease is up is a much lesser burden than moving, so it's looking fairly certain that the roomie would like to wait, and I'm fairly certain I'd like to pay lower rent and utilities for as long as I can. She also seems to think she can use the extra month or two to get herself more organized before she goes, which...I don't think she's actually going to do, but again, lower rent, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. I'm just going to chill about it until I know for sure I have to look. Hell, at least I'm chill about something, for now. ;) )
Anyway, that's the scoop, as best as I can explain it just now. And gavin's right, everybody makes a fool of themselves in romance, but man would I like to be exempt from that, lol. I really really would. :)