you act as if gravity is the only thing keeping you here

[aheart4heshboys]

he came over last night, i thought we had a great time.. we played boardgames and just hung out. i thought we were good, and then he gets up and pops up the away message saying he doesn't want to dream and have to wake up to false hopes again.. so he comes back, and it goes into a 2 and a half hour conversation. I think we were on the verge of a break up again last night, and I can't say with confidence that we're out of that thought right now. He doesn't seem happy, and i want him to be happy. So i told him that I didn't understand why he would bother to put himself through the misery if he's not getting what he wants out of it..
here's pits and pieces that are enough to sum up our conversation that lasted until 2:45am.


him: well you had better let your gaurd down
its a risk alexis
cause i would hate to think what would happen if you dont
- - - -
him: i dont know if you love me
him: i dont know
c0mplicatdsunset(me): i don't even know if i know what love is. i create this image of it in my head, and maybe i'm there, maybe im not. i bounce back and forth on the thought, and the more i try to convince myself i am, the more wrong i feel. i don't know what i'm feeling half the time,recently.
- - - -
him i dont know what els to say
him: but part of me wants to say i dont want to wait anymore
c0mplicatdsunset: if this is making you so miserable that all of the nice things and fun has been sucked out of it, i'm not gonna blame you for not waiting
- - - -
him: just please dont act weird
him: these talks only make us stronger
[they used to, but now it feels like the more we talk, the worse things get.. maybe that's just me.]

yeah.. i don't know. poor Josh sat and listened to me go on the entire time. I'm sorry, and thanks :) I hope you feel better Joshuuaaa.

i think i'm gonna go back to bed
have a nice dayyyyyyyy

i really need to get on that summer reading. blah.