Twilight zone
I write this here, because I have to say it..and my identity is soo buried in this journal, that i feel safe enough to put it here.
I'm pregnant.
Its soo surreal..its hard for me to vocalize it. I took a home-test...and it came up positive..to my shock and horror. I went to the dr..it was confirmed...while i collapsed into a sobbing mess.the nurses quickly understood that this was a good thing. I was happy at how professionally the handled this though. The nurses voice never waivered..she told me that dr e does terminations again. I don't know why I'm more comfortable with that word than abortion, but I am.
My heath insurance doesnt cover it...because I'm a teacher...apparently most school and city worker's insurance does nto cover this procedure. The $400+ i will pay after my 45minute drive to NH to the converted farmhouse (abortion clinic) I suppose is the deterent to getting the procedure done. Some kind of futile punishment...for my stupid whorish ways.
The truth is, we were safe. He went and bought the biggest box of condoms you've ever seen...it was the first time we slept togethere in the 4 years we've known each other. we slept together the next 2 weekends too...and then he just stopped calling. I knew what i was getting into....so i wasnt hurt...besides, the sex wasn't soo great.
then i missed my period by 2 weeks.........on top of being tired, irritable, losing steam in my work outs, working out and my pants never getting looser in the tummy..it all came together...i'm pregant. Somehow I kinda knew it..from the begining. I dont know how to explain it. I just knew it.
I've made my decision and my appointment is booked for tuesday. My gyno will do the procedure. I really like this..because he's a relativly young doctor (in his 40s) My other gyno was in his 60s..very daddy like...i feel if he knew this, he would judge me. Dr. E was very nice to me.....while i sobbed about how stupid i was to get pregnant, he just calmed said that i used condoms, i did nothing wrong...these things happen...he gave me 3 months worth of birth control pill to start after the procedure. Another good thing about Dr. E doing the abortion is that its his work..there is no question of what went on....if down the road i find myself wondering..if other medical problems crop up.
Patsy hasnt called. I don't know much about him...the thought of being tethered to a man i barely know for the rest of my life is not something i can understand.
I do not want to raise a child without a father.
I'm a teacher, i think its hipacritical o fme to sit there and tell my students not to have babies the're not prepared for...and have a baby i'm not prepaired for.
my father has started drinking again......
my parents would not be able to process this at all
this is not what i want. not right now.
on the flip side, i love children, i definetly want my own. even before this happend, i'd come to the decision that i definetly want kids. If i couldnt have kids (like soo many ppl) I wouldnt go through all the hormons, and surigal implantions..i'd adopt, and i wouldnt even require the child be an infant.
how i feel: I feel sad. I wish this didn't happen..and that I didn't have to choose. I feel that i'm being a little selfish. but mostly i feel very very alone. that's the part that bothers me the most.
i wish it were this tuesday, not next.
I'm pregnant.
Its soo surreal..its hard for me to vocalize it. I took a home-test...and it came up positive..to my shock and horror. I went to the dr..it was confirmed...while i collapsed into a sobbing mess.the nurses quickly understood that this was a good thing. I was happy at how professionally the handled this though. The nurses voice never waivered..she told me that dr e does terminations again. I don't know why I'm more comfortable with that word than abortion, but I am.
My heath insurance doesnt cover it...because I'm a teacher...apparently most school and city worker's insurance does nto cover this procedure. The $400+ i will pay after my 45minute drive to NH to the converted farmhouse (abortion clinic) I suppose is the deterent to getting the procedure done. Some kind of futile punishment...for my stupid whorish ways.
The truth is, we were safe. He went and bought the biggest box of condoms you've ever seen...it was the first time we slept togethere in the 4 years we've known each other. we slept together the next 2 weekends too...and then he just stopped calling. I knew what i was getting into....so i wasnt hurt...besides, the sex wasn't soo great.
then i missed my period by 2 weeks.........on top of being tired, irritable, losing steam in my work outs, working out and my pants never getting looser in the tummy..it all came together...i'm pregant. Somehow I kinda knew it..from the begining. I dont know how to explain it. I just knew it.
I've made my decision and my appointment is booked for tuesday. My gyno will do the procedure. I really like this..because he's a relativly young doctor (in his 40s) My other gyno was in his 60s..very daddy like...i feel if he knew this, he would judge me. Dr. E was very nice to me.....while i sobbed about how stupid i was to get pregnant, he just calmed said that i used condoms, i did nothing wrong...these things happen...he gave me 3 months worth of birth control pill to start after the procedure. Another good thing about Dr. E doing the abortion is that its his work..there is no question of what went on....if down the road i find myself wondering..if other medical problems crop up.
Patsy hasnt called. I don't know much about him...the thought of being tethered to a man i barely know for the rest of my life is not something i can understand.
I do not want to raise a child without a father.
I'm a teacher, i think its hipacritical o fme to sit there and tell my students not to have babies the're not prepared for...and have a baby i'm not prepaired for.
my father has started drinking again......
my parents would not be able to process this at all
this is not what i want. not right now.
on the flip side, i love children, i definetly want my own. even before this happend, i'd come to the decision that i definetly want kids. If i couldnt have kids (like soo many ppl) I wouldnt go through all the hormons, and surigal implantions..i'd adopt, and i wouldnt even require the child be an infant.
how i feel: I feel sad. I wish this didn't happen..and that I didn't have to choose. I feel that i'm being a little selfish. but mostly i feel very very alone. that's the part that bothers me the most.
i wish it were this tuesday, not next.