(no subject)
I realize today that I miss my mother. She hasn't gone anywhere..but over the past 10 or so years she has sunk into this world of self-centered self pitty. I know she loves me more than anything. She's very thoughful. While I was away in Ireland this summer for six weeks she bought me those little canisters for the countertop and brought in my mail and everything...
She's sort of become this attention seeker in a way. She tries to find ways to get my fathers attention. This can be quite the task considering he's an alcoholic. She'll not cook meals for him or even herself. For a whole day.........not eating properly herself (She's a diabetic) During fights with him she'll scream at him about how she made her this way...and that every problem she has, from her high blood pressure to her diabeties, to pieces of her toes being lopped off too him..
As my brother pointed out when i asked im tonight via AIM if dad was drunk "he's been drunk on a semi-regular basis for 25 years"
I'd say longer, it doesnt make me feel any better.......
And she'll turn to me, because she's chased away anyone willing to be a good friend to her because of her perpetual victem status, her holy-than-thou condasending attitude. She lives in a class house form which she throws stones. She wants to blame everyone for their problems...except herself...she is an innocent, victimized soul.
And I'm an asshole because I can't just sit here and let her rambling on in that vidictive way. I can't just let her spew shit about other people. I need to tell her over and over again that things arnt her business and that I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR again how much of asshole my father is...I know he's an asshole.......but talking about it with her does not make me feel better it makes me feel worse..
And I think about these things I carry and how much I want to tell her about the doctor visits for this and that.I wish I could tell her my secrets..and I can't....becuse she is always assigning blame..and I can't take it...I just want my mother to protect me and tell me everything is going to be alright and that I'm really not crazy...and that none of this is really my fault that I'm beautiful and special. I want to be with her and not feel anger and hostility and resentment. She doesnt understand that even though its not directed at me it bothers me...invades me...and I can't let it go..
I can't hate my father either for doing this to our family...just feel pathetic and lonely for allowing all of this to make us (me) soo fucking crazy.
Weird thing about alcholics..when they're not drinking...live is soo wonderfuly in place that its easy to imagine live was always that way..
when they are drinking they can reduce a 30 year old professional woman to tears in the middle of the night, even without being in the same house.
She's sort of become this attention seeker in a way. She tries to find ways to get my fathers attention. This can be quite the task considering he's an alcoholic. She'll not cook meals for him or even herself. For a whole day.........not eating properly herself (She's a diabetic) During fights with him she'll scream at him about how she made her this way...and that every problem she has, from her high blood pressure to her diabeties, to pieces of her toes being lopped off too him..
As my brother pointed out when i asked im tonight via AIM if dad was drunk "he's been drunk on a semi-regular basis for 25 years"
I'd say longer, it doesnt make me feel any better.......
And she'll turn to me, because she's chased away anyone willing to be a good friend to her because of her perpetual victem status, her holy-than-thou condasending attitude. She lives in a class house form which she throws stones. She wants to blame everyone for their problems...except herself...she is an innocent, victimized soul.
And I'm an asshole because I can't just sit here and let her rambling on in that vidictive way. I can't just let her spew shit about other people. I need to tell her over and over again that things arnt her business and that I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR again how much of asshole my father is...I know he's an asshole.......but talking about it with her does not make me feel better it makes me feel worse..
And I think about these things I carry and how much I want to tell her about the doctor visits for this and that.I wish I could tell her my secrets..and I can't....becuse she is always assigning blame..and I can't take it...I just want my mother to protect me and tell me everything is going to be alright and that I'm really not crazy...and that none of this is really my fault that I'm beautiful and special. I want to be with her and not feel anger and hostility and resentment. She doesnt understand that even though its not directed at me it bothers me...invades me...and I can't let it go..
I can't hate my father either for doing this to our family...just feel pathetic and lonely for allowing all of this to make us (me) soo fucking crazy.
Weird thing about alcholics..when they're not drinking...live is soo wonderfuly in place that its easy to imagine live was always that way..
when they are drinking they can reduce a 30 year old professional woman to tears in the middle of the night, even without being in the same house.