Welcome to Monmouth...
It was a night of injustices. First of all, I couldn't get to see The Passion because, get this, the 7:00 AND 7:01 shows were sold out. So I ate some Chick-Fil-A and pondered my options, hmmm, I could A) Go home B) Chase the ice cream man with my tractor C) Go see Welcome to Mooseport. I chose the latter and soon realized I had made the wrong decision, and to think I could be munching down on commandeered chipwiches RIGHT NOW. As we ventured into the theatre, our expedition numbered three strong, Matt Jensen (aka Brother Tonto), Alex Frank the burninator, and "Boy of Wonder" Tom Carpenter. We were packing movie gift cards, and an obnoxiously obscene amount of popcorn and soft drink. I was forced to drink water due to Lent, but whatever. So we walk into the movie and after five minutes realized it just wasn't where we were supposed to be. Imagine being stuck in a Tele-Tubbies outfit during a Nazi rally, and you might begin to comprehend how badly I wanted to get out of there.
Movie Recap-
- Ray Ramano is this plumber dude in this small town and is with this chick (that nurse from ER).
- The chick wants to marry the plumber but he's a dumbass.
- Gene Hackman is the ex-president and he comes to the town and immediately wants to pork the plumber's chick.
- The chick realizes plumber is a dumbass and spoons with the ex-president.
- Plumber gets mad and hires thugs to take out the ex-president but there is a violent shoot out between the thugs and secret agents. The plumber's dog and Larry the Clown end up shot.
- Plumber dude runs against ex-president for mayor and loses because he's a wuss on top of being a dumbass.
- The ex-president hires strippers for his celebration party and chokes to death on peanut.
- Plumber pleads to chick for them to get back to macking it but she gets with his friend Jose and becomes an erotic film star.
END OF MOVIE
The last part was really the best, but I'll try my best to painfully forget I ever saw that movie. I got bored half way through and just started making up random events to entertain myself. At points it became hard to concentrate as entire cups of ice and bags of popcorn were thrown on me. I had to hulk out and rip up some of my movie gift cards and slice people with them. In the end I laid down the law, but no matter how much noise I made, or how many objects I threw, I couldn't get the 87 years old couple in front of me to stop making out. I will never be able to look at raisins the same. You're old, you have a house, go do your thing there. I was tempted to lean over and hook them both in the face, but instead, I just pretended to have violent seizures while kicking their seats. Eh, what can you do? Upon leaving the movie I found out I had fallen victim to more injustices than just a crappy movie and unnecessary old person action. Unbeknownsted to me, Monmouth Mall raised their ticket prices beyond Freehold's. I would say let's host an open revolt and storm the theatre but the extra 50 cents a ticket is being put into extra security. The armed guards c,ould fight off the French army, not that you couldn't fight off the French with a spork from our cafeteria, but that besides the point. They have more guards protecting the theatre than watching the banks and they're now equipped with an anti-tank unit because, you just can't trust those dangerous minorities. I still think my 50 cents could be spent better elsewhere, like, in a roll of SweetTarts, or two packs of DoubleMint gum. How could you deny that, I mean, It's a statement, from the great mint, in doublemint gum. As a matter of fact, that pretty much sums up my night, the gum was good. That and I need to replace my terrible brick Nextel cellphone with one that can text message, because apparently, that's what all these cool people are doing. You know the cool people, ones who say things like homie and homeslice. I wonder who they could be?
Movie Recap-
- Ray Ramano is this plumber dude in this small town and is with this chick (that nurse from ER).
- The chick wants to marry the plumber but he's a dumbass.
- Gene Hackman is the ex-president and he comes to the town and immediately wants to pork the plumber's chick.
- The chick realizes plumber is a dumbass and spoons with the ex-president.
- Plumber gets mad and hires thugs to take out the ex-president but there is a violent shoot out between the thugs and secret agents. The plumber's dog and Larry the Clown end up shot.
- Plumber dude runs against ex-president for mayor and loses because he's a wuss on top of being a dumbass.
- The ex-president hires strippers for his celebration party and chokes to death on peanut.
- Plumber pleads to chick for them to get back to macking it but she gets with his friend Jose and becomes an erotic film star.
END OF MOVIE
The last part was really the best, but I'll try my best to painfully forget I ever saw that movie. I got bored half way through and just started making up random events to entertain myself. At points it became hard to concentrate as entire cups of ice and bags of popcorn were thrown on me. I had to hulk out and rip up some of my movie gift cards and slice people with them. In the end I laid down the law, but no matter how much noise I made, or how many objects I threw, I couldn't get the 87 years old couple in front of me to stop making out. I will never be able to look at raisins the same. You're old, you have a house, go do your thing there. I was tempted to lean over and hook them both in the face, but instead, I just pretended to have violent seizures while kicking their seats. Eh, what can you do? Upon leaving the movie I found out I had fallen victim to more injustices than just a crappy movie and unnecessary old person action. Unbeknownsted to me, Monmouth Mall raised their ticket prices beyond Freehold's. I would say let's host an open revolt and storm the theatre but the extra 50 cents a ticket is being put into extra security. The armed guards c,ould fight off the French army, not that you couldn't fight off the French with a spork from our cafeteria, but that besides the point. They have more guards protecting the theatre than watching the banks and they're now equipped with an anti-tank unit because, you just can't trust those dangerous minorities. I still think my 50 cents could be spent better elsewhere, like, in a roll of SweetTarts, or two packs of DoubleMint gum. How could you deny that, I mean, It's a statement, from the great mint, in doublemint gum. As a matter of fact, that pretty much sums up my night, the gum was good. That and I need to replace my terrible brick Nextel cellphone with one that can text message, because apparently, that's what all these cool people are doing. You know the cool people, ones who say things like homie and homeslice. I wonder who they could be?