Rav Simcha Weinberg lecture “A Husband’s Obligations to his Wife: What a Woman Needs to Know.”
On Thursday, I attended Rav Simcha Weinberg lecture titled “A Husband’s Obligations to his Wife: What a Woman Needs to Know.” The event took place in St Louis Park at beautiful, newly remodeled home of one family. There were a lot of women; some of them were Orthodox wearing long skirts, wigs or hats to cover their hair. Some, very few, were not so Orthodox and wore pants. Most, were just wearing long skirts and conservative tops. I fit into the majority group well.
Rav Weinberg was very entertaining telling great stories with humor. He raised a very good point discussing that there are many married couples who live together for a very long time, they learn to do everything for each other but they have no idea how to be married. Rav explained that doing only obligations to one another does not constitute a marriage.
By marriage, he explained, means deep relationship between two people. Biblically, husband is obligated to spend intimate time with his wife and it is called in translation from Hebrew “her time.” This is not only includes sexual relationships but most of all it should include time to talk and relate to one another. Men, most of the time have no clue what that means.
Man is obligated to provide financial and spiritual security for his wife. That would include being willing to spend more money then he can afford on her clothing or other needs and not be upset about it. For example, to fulfill this obligation, husband must go shopping with his wife and be willing to pay for anything that wife wants and that makes her look good in his eyes.
The most important massage from this presentation was that couples must inspire one another, create k’ vod or “Glory of G-d.” When man and a woman can look at one another and create this heavenly connection. When husband and wife can look at each other and understand each other. When wife and husband, by behaving in certain way, would inspire each other to learn from one another and to become better persons.
It was weird to listen about the obligations and how some people approach those with precise accuracy. If they wouldn’t know what to do, they would consult Rabbi.
I was not surprised to hear everything else. At least it was not new information for me. I felt like I knew exactly what Rav Weinberg was talking about. I think our relationship inspires each other, we talk a lot and discuss everything with each other, and we don’t leave fights and disagreements hanging. When I look at Boris or kids, I feel great; I get happy tears in my eyes!
I have seen how change in my behavior had impacted Boris and Michael. Scientifically, it is a concept of family system’s theory. One example that one can try with his or her partner is kiss tenderly on a forehead your loved one in the morning while he/she is still sleeping. Do it a few times during the week, not every day. If your partner really loves you, he/she will do the same when you sleep some day. You show your love and give an example what feels great in showing that there is love between you two.
Another example, try to change the way you communicate with your loved one. Stop calling names, even when very angry, stop telling what to do but instead of saying: “Do this, this and this” say: “honey, this needs to be done, could you please help me?” This re-wording does two things, it does not tell person what to do as a command (which usually irritates people and makes negative reaction) and it shows that the person is needed, which is very important in relationships. After a while you will notice that your loved one uses same vocabulary as you do and avoids negative language as you do.
Some of these modeling behaviors are very effective with kids too. In fact, kids repeat what they see. So, the easiest way to raise kids is to behave the way you want your kids to be. Really do what you are preaching or at least aim to do your best (I know, it is not always possible, we are humans...).