Ooook....so I lied. Sue me.
You know that whole "wish I could hit "edit" on that part of my life" thingy I was talking about earlier? The thing I talked myself out of? Well, I've basically just gone through and deleted the few remaining bridges I have to that part of my existence. Or, I should say, the select parts. The posts are still there, but the content has been....modified. And some have been deleted altogether.
And you know what? I couldn't care less. That was an awful time in every way. I was spiritually at my lowest point, I was unhealthy, I didn't care what happened to anyone but myself..I could keep going. That part of my life deserved to be destroyed, and I only wish I could "Men In Black" those certain parts out of my memory. It's not so much that I think about them often, but having them come up at all is quite a burden. But they are beneficial in their own way.
That's sort of how all experience in life is really- most is beneficial, but there is some you wish you could totally erase from memory. But usually, even those parts teach you something about something. I still deeply care for the people I deeply cared for back then, the difference being now it's at arm's length. Or car's length. Or continent's length. Probably continent's length. But the caring is still there.
When you naively slam yourself into a brick wall over and over again, it's gonna leave some scars. But in the end, it's mostly your fault- the wall can't move itself. It's sort of stuck there. You can tear it down, but that accomplishes nothing.
All in all, I'm much happier with my standing in life now than I was 2 years ago. But not 1 year ago. 1 year ago I was visiting Bethel and looking forward to moving to Louisiana. Now I am pioneering, but to say that's been a struggle is a massive understatement. And, again, that's been 1000% my fault. I cannot seem to get myself motivated, and I think there are serious lifestyle changes that need to be made. There are material things that need to be sold before I can change in any serious manner. But they're far from impossible. I just gotta do it. Starting tomorrow. That's all you can control. Tomorrow.
This journal is going to be my psychiatrist's couch. I'm going to come on here every night to chart my progress through my little journey. I'll be in different locations, I'll be doing different things, I'll be in different situations in all aspects of life, but it will be nice in 2 or 3 years to look back from Bethel and say "Wow, it really was a struggle to get here", and that will be worth whatever I have to go through to get to that point. It will make me 1000000% more appreciative of anything Jehovah deems my sorry behind of attaining. I have to start by giving him something to bless. I gotta take a leap, and I know he'll catch me. Now I gotta stop saying that and actually go out and do it.
This will be a daily journal from now on. Sometimes it'll be posted at 2:00 AM, but it WILL be posted regularly. I promise that. And I intend to start keeping my stinking promises, people.
And you know what? I couldn't care less. That was an awful time in every way. I was spiritually at my lowest point, I was unhealthy, I didn't care what happened to anyone but myself..I could keep going. That part of my life deserved to be destroyed, and I only wish I could "Men In Black" those certain parts out of my memory. It's not so much that I think about them often, but having them come up at all is quite a burden. But they are beneficial in their own way.
That's sort of how all experience in life is really- most is beneficial, but there is some you wish you could totally erase from memory. But usually, even those parts teach you something about something. I still deeply care for the people I deeply cared for back then, the difference being now it's at arm's length. Or car's length. Or continent's length. Probably continent's length. But the caring is still there.
When you naively slam yourself into a brick wall over and over again, it's gonna leave some scars. But in the end, it's mostly your fault- the wall can't move itself. It's sort of stuck there. You can tear it down, but that accomplishes nothing.
All in all, I'm much happier with my standing in life now than I was 2 years ago. But not 1 year ago. 1 year ago I was visiting Bethel and looking forward to moving to Louisiana. Now I am pioneering, but to say that's been a struggle is a massive understatement. And, again, that's been 1000% my fault. I cannot seem to get myself motivated, and I think there are serious lifestyle changes that need to be made. There are material things that need to be sold before I can change in any serious manner. But they're far from impossible. I just gotta do it. Starting tomorrow. That's all you can control. Tomorrow.
This journal is going to be my psychiatrist's couch. I'm going to come on here every night to chart my progress through my little journey. I'll be in different locations, I'll be doing different things, I'll be in different situations in all aspects of life, but it will be nice in 2 or 3 years to look back from Bethel and say "Wow, it really was a struggle to get here", and that will be worth whatever I have to go through to get to that point. It will make me 1000000% more appreciative of anything Jehovah deems my sorry behind of attaining. I have to start by giving him something to bless. I gotta take a leap, and I know he'll catch me. Now I gotta stop saying that and actually go out and do it.
This will be a daily journal from now on. Sometimes it'll be posted at 2:00 AM, but it WILL be posted regularly. I promise that. And I intend to start keeping my stinking promises, people.