Shutdown
It happens just like that, at work or school, social events or even at home. Suddenly I feel estranged from my surrounding.
Suddenly it feels like someone pulled down the switch, turned off the light. System shutdown. The darkness inside, it feels like I don't belong.
Suddenly I feel like I stand out, but not in a good way. And so, I become smaller in my mind, shrink inside myself, hoping to not get noticed. And as I pull away from those around me I want to scream, "it's not you! it's me! it's me!", but my voice just gets quieter and assumptions are made beyond my control. Often, if there's time, the relationships are salvaged somewhat as my mask of sanity waters down my insecurities. But, occasionally, when first impressions cannot be twice made, I miss the opportunity to make a connection with someone wonderfull.
I wonder sometimes how I make these very personal notes on a widely read forum, but then it occures to me (aside from the fact hardly anyone reads these post) that those who are already close to me will be not scared away so easily. And those who are not, well, they're probably not close enough for me to care. And if one person, somehow, understands something about me, some one person I might have otherwise lost in the fire, well then I'd already won.
Suddenly it feels like someone pulled down the switch, turned off the light. System shutdown. The darkness inside, it feels like I don't belong.
Suddenly I feel like I stand out, but not in a good way. And so, I become smaller in my mind, shrink inside myself, hoping to not get noticed. And as I pull away from those around me I want to scream, "it's not you! it's me! it's me!", but my voice just gets quieter and assumptions are made beyond my control. Often, if there's time, the relationships are salvaged somewhat as my mask of sanity waters down my insecurities. But, occasionally, when first impressions cannot be twice made, I miss the opportunity to make a connection with someone wonderfull.
I wonder sometimes how I make these very personal notes on a widely read forum, but then it occures to me (aside from the fact hardly anyone reads these post) that those who are already close to me will be not scared away so easily. And those who are not, well, they're probably not close enough for me to care. And if one person, somehow, understands something about me, some one person I might have otherwise lost in the fire, well then I'd already won.