So Far
I slept a full 12 hours last night. I only do so on weekends, and only when I'm at my folks home. It seemed the entire night was dedicated to dreams about men. That would be plural. All faceless, meaningless, all romantically referenced with nothing raunchy to top. On my last session we spoke about me not making any effort to find a relationship, even though I may (or may not) want one. At first I thought I watched too many romantic movies last night (it being the Jewish equivalent of Valentine's Day and nothing else on television), that triggered certain longings. The more I thought about it however, it occurred to me that this was about intimacy. I started replaying the past weeks, months of my life, switching the channels in my head from person to person. I realized then I have no intimacy in my life. I keep my friends all at a distance. Sometimes I hit a rock on the road and I shake and spill, on a blog (of the many), on the phone. Even so it feels like a therapeutic session more than an intimate conversation. As I rewind my life down the line, I cannot recall the moment I became so cold and calculated. I'm not unemotional, I think, but I cannot let anyone cross the road to get to my side of the street. I keep conversations and relationships from across the street where the cars go back and forth distorting the sounds of pain. And I need it, the intimate connection with someone. But, I don't know how to find it. I don't know how to make it happen. I wouldn't even know where to begin, or rather who to begin with. It's so lonely out there. No man's an island but I'm drifting pretty far off shore and I can't seem to swim my way back.