Stupid New Years...
Today is a sad day for me. New Years would have been so much fun with
him, we would have gotten dressed up and went out together to a party
and at midnight I would have been kissing my one true love... but alas
it was not meant to be. Instead I am home feeling very sick, and my
poor mom has pneumonia so she is really sick...at least I am not that
sick. I found out something yesterday that I should not have known...
my stomach feels like it is imploding and my heart is filled with
sadness. Thankfully I am sick already so I would not have been able to
go out anyway. I would not be able to take being anywhere that kissing
is involved. Last night was fun hanging out with my friends. It is fun
talking about Star Wars and Lord of the Rings without being thought of
as an extreme nerd. Now that I have glasses I will be thought of as one
anyway, but oh well.
On another note, liz wrote in her journal that
"What a prick, IM me to try to get info about your ex because you're too yellow to do it yourself."
That dredged up a whole lot of emotion. Why did he im her? He is scared of her and she doesnt like him... is he that scared of me? Why does he even want to know how I am? He has not called, texted, or emailed me since the day it happened, and it hurt me so to think that I thought about him so many times and that he didnt care about me anymore and I was that forgettable. It broke my heart because he made me believe that he loved me and that I was really special to him and then he was able to just cast me aside...not even wonder how I am or care how hurt I was over losing him. Then I read liz's livejournal and was deeply shocked. I always believed in love but now I am beginning to think that it is all a lie, nobody will ever take it as seriously as I do, feel it as deeply, or be able to love me as much as I love them. I have to have faith that everything will turn out as it is meant to be, and that everything happens for a reason.
I think God hates me...My special "S is for Seana" cross broke, I wear that thing 24/7 and I reached up around my neck and it was gone. Luckily it was just the chain...I swear I try so hard to be a good person and I just feel that he is not there for me lately...I have a billion other necklaces, I dont have to wear the cross but I do, and then it breaks. I am sick of these stupid "tests" and just want a respite from it all for a while. I ask why and get no answer, wish for things and then they happen but come out screwed up...why why why why WHY!?!?!?!?!?
On another note, liz wrote in her journal that
"What a prick, IM me to try to get info about your ex because you're too yellow to do it yourself."
That dredged up a whole lot of emotion. Why did he im her? He is scared of her and she doesnt like him... is he that scared of me? Why does he even want to know how I am? He has not called, texted, or emailed me since the day it happened, and it hurt me so to think that I thought about him so many times and that he didnt care about me anymore and I was that forgettable. It broke my heart because he made me believe that he loved me and that I was really special to him and then he was able to just cast me aside...not even wonder how I am or care how hurt I was over losing him. Then I read liz's livejournal and was deeply shocked. I always believed in love but now I am beginning to think that it is all a lie, nobody will ever take it as seriously as I do, feel it as deeply, or be able to love me as much as I love them. I have to have faith that everything will turn out as it is meant to be, and that everything happens for a reason.
I think God hates me...My special "S is for Seana" cross broke, I wear that thing 24/7 and I reached up around my neck and it was gone. Luckily it was just the chain...I swear I try so hard to be a good person and I just feel that he is not there for me lately...I have a billion other necklaces, I dont have to wear the cross but I do, and then it breaks. I am sick of these stupid "tests" and just want a respite from it all for a while. I ask why and get no answer, wish for things and then they happen but come out screwed up...why why why why WHY!?!?!?!?!?