RP LOG | With paramedically
Ali took a small sip of chocolate milk she had poured into a champagne glass and stood staring at herself in the full length mirror in their room. She had been at work that morning, and she was now just in her slim-line pinstripe tailored business pants and light blue camisole she had worn under her shirt. She ran her hand over her upper stomach and then brushed it lower to nurse her stomach where the baby bump had been, which was now flat again. These pants wouldn't have fit in the stages of pregnancy she had reached, but she hadn't even had to suck her gut in that morning to get the zipper done up. She hadn't stopped to dwell on it at the time, but now that she was home and had the apartment to herself, she couldn't help but return to it.
Unable to resist the urge, she set the flute of milk down and picked up a cushion from the bed, stuffing it up under her camisole to give the image that she was heavily pregnant and then looked at herself in the mirror again. She knew she was dwelling, thinking about stupid things that were gone and over, but for some reason, her body still wanted to believe she was expecting. The loss had been so abrupt that there was no time to prepare for it. It was why she also soon found herself taking a tiny newborn lemon jumpsuit from the top drawer of the dresser, pulling it from where it had been shoved right to the back. She ran her thumb over the soft fabric and then hugged it to her chest above the faux baby bump, looking back at her reflection in the mirror. It was another moment of weakness, which she seemed to have a lot of lately. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she hadn't realised there was sounds of movement in the apartment beyond the master bedroom and she nearly jumped out of her skin and wet herself all at once when the bedroom door opened and Andrew was standing there, catching her with the cushion up her shirt and the baby outfit in her hand. "Andrew," was all she could gasp out, freezing like she had been caught committing a serious crime.
Andrew had been home with Jamie for the morning while Ali worked, and she had been well on her way and out the door before he or their baby girl even stirred from sleep. When he had woken up, he had a sore throat, headache, fever and stuffy nose, realising right away that he had a cold, if not the flu. When Jamie woke up, he discovered she was suffering the same fate, so he bundled them both up to go the pharmacy and get some infant Tylenol, extra diapers, tissues, and some adult cold pills. With them both feeling crappy, it had taken him awhile to get moving, Jamie not at all happy to do anything but be cuddled by her Daddy, meaning she wailed practically the whole time they were out. It just served to increase Andrew's headache and make her nose worse, so instead of pushing her in the buggy the few blocks back to the apartment, he had carried her and now his arms were a little achy too. She had only just given up on the miserable sobbing near the front of the apartment building when she fell asleep in his arms, so he was able to carefully put her back into the buggy for the trip up in the elevator. He had decided his first stop was the bedroom to get back into his pyjamas, having completely lost track of time to realise Ali would be home from work.
The sight he was met with did take him by surprise, but only because he had been wary whether Ali was ready to revisit anything to do with the miscarriage yet. He was about to say something in return, but instead had to hold up a hand as he was overcome with a sneezing fit and by the time he was done, his done was running like a fountain and his eyes were watery. "Fug'," he said nasally, in lieu of it's intended cousin 'fuck' which wasn't going to happen with a stuffy nose. He hastily went over to the nightstand to pluck some tissues from the box to blow his nose. "Jabie ad' me hab god a gold," he explained.
Ali tugged sheepishly tugged the cushion back out and tossed it onto the bed. She still had the baby suit in her hand, though, as she breached the gap between them to give him a hug. "You sound terrible," she told him and then pulled back to hold her hand to his forehead. "And burning. Where's Sunshine? Where have you been in this state? I know what you're thinking and I don't even know why I was doing it... not really," she added quietly and then glanced at the tiny suit in her hand.
Andrew's nose was a little clearer now, even if it was still sore from all the wiping. "She's asleep in the buggy. I gave her a few drops of the Tylenol and she went back to sleep. I don't think it will be for long, though. She's feeling poorly and isn't happy. I was just out at the pharmacy to get some things, completely lost track of time. Plan was to come back here and cuddle up back in bed with her to try and keep her warm. She just wants to be cuddled." He smiled tiredly and wrapped his hand around hers that was clutching the jumpsuit. "Why don't you join us, baby? We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I understand, okay? You miss being pregnant. There's nothing wrong about that."
Ali sighed softly and sat down on the side of the bed, looking down at the suit. "Maybe not so much missing the pregnant, because I still hate it. But I think my uterus is lost and sending weird message to my brain. It still feels like there should be something in there, but even the bump is gone completely now. I just don't feel anything. But I have to tell you something that I know I should have told you sooner. No time just seemed right, though. I still feel guilty about it sometimes, and now I just think... I think..." She pressed her lips together, trying not to get too upset. "I think I'm being punished, like I had my chance, and I blew it."
Andrew had sat down beside her when she starting speaking, and now he looked at her in confusion, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her palm. "What could you possibly have done that is so terrible to think your baby dying is punishment?" he asked in awe. "Ali, there's nothing..." he trailed off, looking at her sadly. He knew she felt she needed to be punished for a lot in her life, and it broke his heart that he couldn't shield her from that.
"I-I had an abortion when I was nineteen," Ali admitted in a small voice. "I was barely five weeks pregnant. I couldn't face it. I had just started college and I was fiercely ambitious. I didn't want anything to get in the way of my career. James is the only one I told at the time, and I know it's easy to try and draw conclusions, but it wasn't Mark's. I hadn't met him at the time. I just knew James had an older brother. It never even crossed my mind to keep it. I just went and had the procedure, like it was barely more than a trip to the dentist."
Andrew put his arm around her and held her securely, brushing his lips against her hair in a soft kiss. "Ali, beautiful, I know as well as anyone what it's like to just act in scary and stressful times. And to feel ashamed of the course of action in the wake of it. I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't tell me this, for whatever reason, but I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to think any less of you. I'm not even going to suggest you made a mistake in doing what you did. Sometimes, you just have to react and bear the consequences. It's gone, beautiful. You aren't the only girl to have done that, and there is going to be many more in the future. Do you really think everyone who does that gets punished for it in this way? You're not being punished, Ali. We just were unlucky, and that hurts even more, because there is no explanation."
Ali listened and then nodded a little, swallowing back the urge to cry. "I just feel like I wished it away. I had an abortion, I nearly had a second with Sunshine but I couldn't go through with it. You knew that bit, though. And then, when I found I was pregnant again, I wished I wasn't, even though that changed after the shock wore off. Maybe some higher power up there is thinking I just shouldn't have anymore chances? Which I can't process in my head without wanting to bawl my eyes out because... because..." She hesitated, looking at him with a mix of fear and uncertainty, though with a slight glimmer of hope. "I want another baby with you. I-I want to try for another baby. With you."
"Right now?" was the first thing Andrew thought to ask with a slight surprised raise in his tone. But he bit down on his lip with a laugh, looking at her sheepishly. "I mean, I don't mean right now but, you just... you mean in general, right?" His forehead was creased as he tried to work out what she was saying. Actually, he had been doubting whether she really would want anymore children after what she went through with Jamie and the pain they had to face with the miscarriage. He was awed to here her admit she wanted to try again at all.
Ali had to smile, dropping her gaze briefly to look down at his lap, where she brushed her hand along his thigh. "Maybe right now," she conceded and looked back up at him, eyes sweeping over his face. "Even though you're all stuffed up andcoldy , you're still gorgeous, and you're cute with your sore nose and red cheeks. I know we haven't had sex since before the miscarriage, and that you've been really patient with me. But I think I'm ready," she admitted.
"Maybe right now for sex or to try for a baby?" Andrew asked, biting down on his lip with a smile of his own.
Ali moved her hand up and stroked his chest, hooking her finger into his shirt between the top two buttons. "Both?" she suggested. "If you're ready. I know that just because I think I am doesn't automatically mean you are. But we can go slow, just let nature take it's course. We can at least have fun trying, can't we? Or practicing until we get it right. I just know that Jamie's nearly one now, and every time I think about making a baby with you, a little brother or sister for her, my heart hurts for what we lost, but it has this tiny flip when I think about what it would have been like if we didn't lose the baby. Which would probably be chaotic and stressful, but that's us, isn't it? Maybe life for us is just meant to be unconventional and keep us on our toes. Maybe it's time to settle down, because I know that when I feel that happy unreachable warm feeling in my gut, it's when I'm with you and Sunshine, and we're doing silly, affectionate family things. But also that we might have a little bit more room in the nest for another Sunshine, or a Sunshine with a penis, even if I'm terrified to try again," she said, holding her hands up in the size of a small bundle.
Andrew nodded and started to smile. "Me too," he admitted softly, resting his forehead against hers. "Everything you said, right up to the terrified part. But besides marrying you, and being the best father I can to Jamie, I would give nothing more than to have a baby with you, beautiful. Are you sure it's not too soon? You can change your mind, you know. If you decide you don't want it, we can stop."
Ali smiled and undid the top buttons of his shirt, slipping her hand inside and rubbing her hand over his bare chest, toned from working out and his job. She pressed his lips to his in a soft kiss, continuing with the rest of the buttons. "I want to make love to you," she told him quietly against it lips and then kissed them again. "I want to try and make another baby with you. If we get scared or upset, we stop. If it gets too much, we stop. For now, we go gentle... slow. I like having you slow," she added, smiling as she teased her tongue along his lip. "Even if you have a cold. I hear you're supposed to sweat out a cold anyway, and orgasms are an awesome remedy for a headache."
"Oh really?" Andrew murmured with a husky laugh. Yeah, sure, he was feeling crap but he couldn't argue with the attentions. "Always was an avid fan of sexual healing... and you playing nursemaid," he added cheekily, moving to start unbuttoning her shirt. But it didn't escape him that she had paused, glancing at the door. He smiled knowingly. "Do you want to check on her, or I should I?"
Ali shot him a sheepish smile and rubbed her nose against his. "I will, but just to make sure." She stood up and stooped to kiss teasingly close to his nipple. "But you get naked. I have plans for my feverish patient that may or may not include a physical examination. But don't go letting yourself get a false sense of security. Afterwards I'm still getting out theVicks and eucalyptus oil for your hankies," she warned and patted his cheek softly. "Ah see, your darling Mummy has passed all her Mummy tricks onto me, including tried and true Aussie cold remedies," she added and winked at him as she ducked fro the room to check on the baby.
Word Count | 2,446
Unable to resist the urge, she set the flute of milk down and picked up a cushion from the bed, stuffing it up under her camisole to give the image that she was heavily pregnant and then looked at herself in the mirror again. She knew she was dwelling, thinking about stupid things that were gone and over, but for some reason, her body still wanted to believe she was expecting. The loss had been so abrupt that there was no time to prepare for it. It was why she also soon found herself taking a tiny newborn lemon jumpsuit from the top drawer of the dresser, pulling it from where it had been shoved right to the back. She ran her thumb over the soft fabric and then hugged it to her chest above the faux baby bump, looking back at her reflection in the mirror. It was another moment of weakness, which she seemed to have a lot of lately. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she hadn't realised there was sounds of movement in the apartment beyond the master bedroom and she nearly jumped out of her skin and wet herself all at once when the bedroom door opened and Andrew was standing there, catching her with the cushion up her shirt and the baby outfit in her hand. "Andrew," was all she could gasp out, freezing like she had been caught committing a serious crime.
Andrew had been home with Jamie for the morning while Ali worked, and she had been well on her way and out the door before he or their baby girl even stirred from sleep. When he had woken up, he had a sore throat, headache, fever and stuffy nose, realising right away that he had a cold, if not the flu. When Jamie woke up, he discovered she was suffering the same fate, so he bundled them both up to go the pharmacy and get some infant Tylenol, extra diapers, tissues, and some adult cold pills. With them both feeling crappy, it had taken him awhile to get moving, Jamie not at all happy to do anything but be cuddled by her Daddy, meaning she wailed practically the whole time they were out. It just served to increase Andrew's headache and make her nose worse, so instead of pushing her in the buggy the few blocks back to the apartment, he had carried her and now his arms were a little achy too. She had only just given up on the miserable sobbing near the front of the apartment building when she fell asleep in his arms, so he was able to carefully put her back into the buggy for the trip up in the elevator. He had decided his first stop was the bedroom to get back into his pyjamas, having completely lost track of time to realise Ali would be home from work.
The sight he was met with did take him by surprise, but only because he had been wary whether Ali was ready to revisit anything to do with the miscarriage yet. He was about to say something in return, but instead had to hold up a hand as he was overcome with a sneezing fit and by the time he was done, his done was running like a fountain and his eyes were watery. "Fug'," he said nasally, in lieu of it's intended cousin 'fuck' which wasn't going to happen with a stuffy nose. He hastily went over to the nightstand to pluck some tissues from the box to blow his nose. "Jabie ad' me hab god a gold," he explained.
Ali tugged sheepishly tugged the cushion back out and tossed it onto the bed. She still had the baby suit in her hand, though, as she breached the gap between them to give him a hug. "You sound terrible," she told him and then pulled back to hold her hand to his forehead. "And burning. Where's Sunshine? Where have you been in this state? I know what you're thinking and I don't even know why I was doing it... not really," she added quietly and then glanced at the tiny suit in her hand.
Andrew's nose was a little clearer now, even if it was still sore from all the wiping. "She's asleep in the buggy. I gave her a few drops of the Tylenol and she went back to sleep. I don't think it will be for long, though. She's feeling poorly and isn't happy. I was just out at the pharmacy to get some things, completely lost track of time. Plan was to come back here and cuddle up back in bed with her to try and keep her warm. She just wants to be cuddled." He smiled tiredly and wrapped his hand around hers that was clutching the jumpsuit. "Why don't you join us, baby? We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I understand, okay? You miss being pregnant. There's nothing wrong about that."
Ali sighed softly and sat down on the side of the bed, looking down at the suit. "Maybe not so much missing the pregnant, because I still hate it. But I think my uterus is lost and sending weird message to my brain. It still feels like there should be something in there, but even the bump is gone completely now. I just don't feel anything. But I have to tell you something that I know I should have told you sooner. No time just seemed right, though. I still feel guilty about it sometimes, and now I just think... I think..." She pressed her lips together, trying not to get too upset. "I think I'm being punished, like I had my chance, and I blew it."
Andrew had sat down beside her when she starting speaking, and now he looked at her in confusion, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her palm. "What could you possibly have done that is so terrible to think your baby dying is punishment?" he asked in awe. "Ali, there's nothing..." he trailed off, looking at her sadly. He knew she felt she needed to be punished for a lot in her life, and it broke his heart that he couldn't shield her from that.
"I-I had an abortion when I was nineteen," Ali admitted in a small voice. "I was barely five weeks pregnant. I couldn't face it. I had just started college and I was fiercely ambitious. I didn't want anything to get in the way of my career. James is the only one I told at the time, and I know it's easy to try and draw conclusions, but it wasn't Mark's. I hadn't met him at the time. I just knew James had an older brother. It never even crossed my mind to keep it. I just went and had the procedure, like it was barely more than a trip to the dentist."
Andrew put his arm around her and held her securely, brushing his lips against her hair in a soft kiss. "Ali, beautiful, I know as well as anyone what it's like to just act in scary and stressful times. And to feel ashamed of the course of action in the wake of it. I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't tell me this, for whatever reason, but I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to think any less of you. I'm not even going to suggest you made a mistake in doing what you did. Sometimes, you just have to react and bear the consequences. It's gone, beautiful. You aren't the only girl to have done that, and there is going to be many more in the future. Do you really think everyone who does that gets punished for it in this way? You're not being punished, Ali. We just were unlucky, and that hurts even more, because there is no explanation."
Ali listened and then nodded a little, swallowing back the urge to cry. "I just feel like I wished it away. I had an abortion, I nearly had a second with Sunshine but I couldn't go through with it. You knew that bit, though. And then, when I found I was pregnant again, I wished I wasn't, even though that changed after the shock wore off. Maybe some higher power up there is thinking I just shouldn't have anymore chances? Which I can't process in my head without wanting to bawl my eyes out because... because..." She hesitated, looking at him with a mix of fear and uncertainty, though with a slight glimmer of hope. "I want another baby with you. I-I want to try for another baby. With you."
"Right now?" was the first thing Andrew thought to ask with a slight surprised raise in his tone. But he bit down on his lip with a laugh, looking at her sheepishly. "I mean, I don't mean right now but, you just... you mean in general, right?" His forehead was creased as he tried to work out what she was saying. Actually, he had been doubting whether she really would want anymore children after what she went through with Jamie and the pain they had to face with the miscarriage. He was awed to here her admit she wanted to try again at all.
Ali had to smile, dropping her gaze briefly to look down at his lap, where she brushed her hand along his thigh. "Maybe right now," she conceded and looked back up at him, eyes sweeping over his face. "Even though you're all stuffed up andcoldy , you're still gorgeous, and you're cute with your sore nose and red cheeks. I know we haven't had sex since before the miscarriage, and that you've been really patient with me. But I think I'm ready," she admitted.
"Maybe right now for sex or to try for a baby?" Andrew asked, biting down on his lip with a smile of his own.
Ali moved her hand up and stroked his chest, hooking her finger into his shirt between the top two buttons. "Both?" she suggested. "If you're ready. I know that just because I think I am doesn't automatically mean you are. But we can go slow, just let nature take it's course. We can at least have fun trying, can't we? Or practicing until we get it right. I just know that Jamie's nearly one now, and every time I think about making a baby with you, a little brother or sister for her, my heart hurts for what we lost, but it has this tiny flip when I think about what it would have been like if we didn't lose the baby. Which would probably be chaotic and stressful, but that's us, isn't it? Maybe life for us is just meant to be unconventional and keep us on our toes. Maybe it's time to settle down, because I know that when I feel that happy unreachable warm feeling in my gut, it's when I'm with you and Sunshine, and we're doing silly, affectionate family things. But also that we might have a little bit more room in the nest for another Sunshine, or a Sunshine with a penis, even if I'm terrified to try again," she said, holding her hands up in the size of a small bundle.
Andrew nodded and started to smile. "Me too," he admitted softly, resting his forehead against hers. "Everything you said, right up to the terrified part. But besides marrying you, and being the best father I can to Jamie, I would give nothing more than to have a baby with you, beautiful. Are you sure it's not too soon? You can change your mind, you know. If you decide you don't want it, we can stop."
Ali smiled and undid the top buttons of his shirt, slipping her hand inside and rubbing her hand over his bare chest, toned from working out and his job. She pressed his lips to his in a soft kiss, continuing with the rest of the buttons. "I want to make love to you," she told him quietly against it lips and then kissed them again. "I want to try and make another baby with you. If we get scared or upset, we stop. If it gets too much, we stop. For now, we go gentle... slow. I like having you slow," she added, smiling as she teased her tongue along his lip. "Even if you have a cold. I hear you're supposed to sweat out a cold anyway, and orgasms are an awesome remedy for a headache."
"Oh really?" Andrew murmured with a husky laugh. Yeah, sure, he was feeling crap but he couldn't argue with the attentions. "Always was an avid fan of sexual healing... and you playing nursemaid," he added cheekily, moving to start unbuttoning her shirt. But it didn't escape him that she had paused, glancing at the door. He smiled knowingly. "Do you want to check on her, or I should I?"
Ali shot him a sheepish smile and rubbed her nose against his. "I will, but just to make sure." She stood up and stooped to kiss teasingly close to his nipple. "But you get naked. I have plans for my feverish patient that may or may not include a physical examination. But don't go letting yourself get a false sense of security. Afterwards I'm still getting out theVicks and eucalyptus oil for your hankies," she warned and patted his cheek softly. "Ah see, your darling Mummy has passed all her Mummy tricks onto me, including tried and true Aussie cold remedies," she added and winked at him as she ducked fro the room to check on the baby.
Word Count | 2,446