its been awhile...
Ok its been a while since I wrote one of these things… but nonetheless here it is. I’m even doing it “old school” by writing it in MS Word first. That is about as deep I’m going to “bury the lead.”
After wayyy too much reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that my entire life is predicated on the notion that I am not worth anything. It does not matter that I have accolades under my belt . there is a part of me that strips away all that I accomplish and I feel like I don’t deserve the things I earned… as if I stole them from some who deserves it more. And I know there’s absurdity to this. That doesn’t help. The mind makes it true. The reality constructed for me is one of perpetual failure. So I strive harder in an attempt to prove to myself, above all else, I am not a failed human being. But what do I do once the mind has made up that I am a failure? That is where the turmoil starts. Its an ongoing battle raging in a torrent of emotion. There is nobody, no matter how much they claim, who hates my existence more than I do.
After wayyy too much reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that my entire life is predicated on the notion that I am not worth anything. It does not matter that I have accolades under my belt . there is a part of me that strips away all that I accomplish and I feel like I don’t deserve the things I earned… as if I stole them from some who deserves it more. And I know there’s absurdity to this. That doesn’t help. The mind makes it true. The reality constructed for me is one of perpetual failure. So I strive harder in an attempt to prove to myself, above all else, I am not a failed human being. But what do I do once the mind has made up that I am a failure? That is where the turmoil starts. Its an ongoing battle raging in a torrent of emotion. There is nobody, no matter how much they claim, who hates my existence more than I do.