muses_w_remotes | 9.9. Good Will Hunting quote
9.9. "You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief."
| Good Will Hunting
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
It was snowing outside and the weather served as a nice side dish to Marc's already sombre mood. He had always hated being cold, so it was needless to say that snow wasn't really a love of his. Skiing and playing in it when he was a kid was one thing, but to need to live in it and go about life in it had always been something that irritated him. Today, though, he was mostly ignoring it. He stepped out of the back of his car and thanked his driver before closing the door. He stood for a few moments and watched the sleek black car disappear back into the traffic and then looked up at the huge high-rise looming over him. It was the headquarters for Razor and the first time Marc had been here. Something seemed wrong with that alone, but he wasn't going to dwell on it. It was hardly a normal situation. He probably shouldn't even be here now, but it was all said and done now. Besides Harri, his cover hadn't been blown and he explained it away with his big bosses that he wasn't Harri's type and they had argued. Nothing more was said on it and he went straight from LA to London for a brief trip to collect some things from his safety deposit box and meet with one of the US Consulate about what he had discovered in LA. It was all very lacklustre and Marc returned to New York with a heavy mind and heavy heart.
He had stewed for days. First contemplating contacting Ali, but he was scared to even do that. He talked to his advisor, Paul, and admitted everything to him, and while Paul seemed to contemplate whether to slap him or not, he surprisingly hinted that Marc should pursue Harri... on the provisio she could take it; take him as Marcus Fraser and forget anything he told her about James Campbell. Yeah, when he put it like that, he made it sound as easy as wiping one's arse. If only.
But either way, Marc knew he couldn't just leave things how they had been. He had to speak to Harri and seek some sort of resolution, whether it was just to apologise and go their separate ways or something different entirely. The elevator ride felt slow and he watched the City shrink down before him from the strip of window in the middle of it. He was soon forced to turn away, though. He fucking hated heights and he didn't want to show up in her office looking green or throwing up in one of her indoor pot plants. The office was large and modern, Harri having a whole floor to herself or some shit. It wasn't really that impressive to Marc... he didn't care about the surroundings, just seeing Harri. He unwound his scarf slowly and removed his gloves as he approached the receptionist. "Can I please see Harriet Ryan?" he requested politely, the English accent well and truly back.
"Do you have an appointment, sir?"
Marc shook his head. "No, I don't. I'm sorry," he added with an apologetic smile. "It is important I see her, though. If you could just check if she has some time, I would really appreciate it."
The receptionist baulked but then his smile seemed to have won her over along with the soft tone and accent. "Who can I tell her is here, sir?"
Marc hesitated and then met the girl's eyes again. "Just tell her it's James," he said quietly.
Harri had a fashion layout in front of her, pages of photos spread across the large conference table. It wasn't actually there to have meetings, it was there for her to be able to look at the magazine properly. She shuffled a couple of the pages around and took another look. There was something missing from the spread, but she just couldn't put her finger on it. The photos were fine, but they just weren't fantastic. She wanted them to be fantastic.
"Ms Ryan?" The voice issued from a speaker on the table and Harri sighed. "There's a James here to see you."
Harri froze, still leaning across the table with her fingers on another of the photographs. James? No... it couldn't be. He hadn't wanted anything to do with her. She heard her receptionist's voice again, obviously concerned that she hadn't received a reply yet. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. All the emotion she'd been trying to keep under wraps since her breakdown at Aiden's was threatening to burst just from hearing one name. So much for working herself to the bone just to forget him. Harri reached out a slender finger and hit the button on the intercom. "Send him in."
There would be no forgetting him, Harri realised that now. She tried to put her focus back on the photographs and not turn around so that she was watching the door. She didn't want to appear to be eager, did she?
The receptionist nodded and smiled up at Marc. "You can go in, sir." She pointed to the large double doors across from her. "Just over there. No need to knock." Marc turned around to look at the doors and seriously contemplated bolting for the elevator again. Since when was he a quitter, though?
"Thank you," he returned politely and went over to the doors. He didn't let himself hesitate before turning the knobs and opening the door. He found Harri stood over a spread of papers on a conference table at the far end of the room. He closed the door behind him, but didn't move any further into the room. It wasn't his domain anymore and while that didn't exactly bother him, it would be Harri that needed to call the shots. He put his hands into the pockets of his coat and cleared his throat. "Hey," he said softly, his old self seeming to want to come through in her presence.
Harri turned her head slightly, catching a glimpse of Marc from the corner of her eye. Or James. She couldn't really be sure what she was supposed to call him anymore. Her gaze dropped back to the table and she straightened her back before folding her arms under her chest, the black v-neck top showing off her pale skin. "Hey." Another deep breath as Harri waited for her stomach to work itself into even more knots before she turned to face him finally. The brown contacts were in, and Harri was surprised to find she was disappointed not to see his blue eyes. "You don't have to hover by the door, love. You're welcome to sit down. Or hover a bit closer."
Marc let out a small breath he had been holding and moved closer. He wet his lips and tried not to let his eyes peruse her body too much. "I, um..." he began awkwardly. "I couldn't leave things how they were in LA. I know you're probably wondering if I'm just here to make sure my cover is in tact, it's not that. I couldn't stop you revealing the truth if I wanted to and the Service would boot me out on my arse before trying to help me save face. If I fuck up, I fuck up once and once only. I just needed to talk to you."
Harri rest against the conference table as she kept her gaze on him. He looked good, but then he always had looked good. She was trying very hard not to think of what they could get accomplished on the conference table. Harri arched an eyebrow, and smiled a little. She decided to make no mention of her talk with Aiden, hoping that if her BFF ever did meet Marc he'd keep his mouth shut. "I'm listening."
"I didn't say I knew what to say," Marc added sheepishly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Is your office on security cameras or sound security? Anything like that?" he asked, glancing around to sweep the area for any obvious devices.
Harri couldn't help but laugh a little. "Ah, well... hard to talk when you don't know what to say. Unless you're one of those awful people who feels the need to fill the silence with complete and utter crap." Harri made a face that spoke clearly of experience with such people. Then she smirked a little, warming to Marc's presence as she relaxed. This was her territory, why should she be scared? "I think there's a camera in the corner near my desk. A precaution on the off chance anyone ever tries to assault me. There's a switch to turn it off on the control panel. It's not as if I like all my liaisons being witnessed."
"I usually just fidget restlessly, bite on things or drum on things until everyone in my vicinity wants to murder me," Marc admitted with a small laugh. "I was banned from board meetings at one point because my boss couldn't handle the movement." He nodded and went over to the camera. His fingers sought the switch immediately, shutting it off. The mask needed to be dropped if he was going to pull this off. "I can only imagine," he said with a smirk, the Aussie accent back with full force again.
Harri took the break in persona without batting an eyelid. In fact, her smile might have increased just a little bit. "I don't think I would have kicked you out, although I might have wound up being done for sexual harrassment." She licked her lips as she pushed off the conference table and moved over to him. "So."
Marc finally took one of the seats at the conference table and shrugged out of his long coat. "So..." He drew a long breath and let it out slowly, holding up a hand. He produced a small leather wallet and folded it open, pushing it across the table to her. It contained both his FBI and SS badges and beneath them, his MedicAlert card. "Figured this was as good a start as any so you can have even just a tiny peace of mind that I wasn't pulling the piss."
"I never believed you were," Harri replied as she picked up the badge and ran her thumb over his picture. "That's why it hurt so much. The truth is you don't owe me anything. It's taken me a breakdown and several days of throwing myself into my work to realise that, but it's the truth. You don't. I pushed my way into your life when you didn't want it."
"It wasn't that, Harri," Marc told her softly. After a moment of hesitation, he placed his hand over hers. "There was no reason I couldn't have romance in my new life. I was told from day one that I should try to be as normal as possible whilst still keeping my cover. It was me. The guilt ate me alive and I was trying to keep you at arm's length so I didn't let you get close and know that all I was doing was lying to you. You've got to understand that the me I left behind in my old life was very sociable and very affectionate. I thrived on having people I loved around me and I was miserable when I didn't. I thought this transition thing would have been okay. Hard, sure, but I was determined to succeed. But as soon as Christmas was upon me, it sucked me dry. I was so homesick and missed my family so badly it made me sick. And then I saw my best friend at the hospital the day I got shot and my resolve fell apart. What I'm trying to say is, I was anything but emotionally stable when I met you. Marcus was, but he's a fucking slut and water off a duck's back. It was easy to put up the mask and keep going. On the inside, though, it was a different story and you came into my life at a bad time, but that's not your fault. It's not your fault I started to have feelings for you."
Harri let out a slow breath and turned her hand over so that her palm was against his. "I'm sorry it's been so hard for you, I really am. Maybe I should have picked up on something, but I suppose you were just too good. If it helps, I started to have feelings for you too. But I guess you know that, and I suppose you'll tell me they were feelings for someone who didn't really exist. Makes a girl wonder what it'll take for someone to love her."
"I'm trained to be excellent," Marc told her wryly. "If I was anything but, I wouldn't be in the SS. That's probably my downfall right there. They were feelings for someone who didn't really exist, Harri. The guy in the hotel room in LA and me here now is as I come. Anything else is the mask. There are facets of Marcus that I brought with me, which makes it easier for me to keep undercover, but when I go home and I'm alone, there's not much to me. Plus I can tell you that the whole committment thing is something I definitely brought with me. My last partner... it took me two years to get my finger out. None of this is painting myself in a good light, but what I'm trying to say is that being with me in any capacity is probably more hassle than it's worth, Harri. If you come into my world, it has to be wholly and entirely. And a lot of it is far from hearts and roses."
"But what you don't seem to understand is, that I was already in it wholly and entirely and I still want to be. Marc, James... whatever, you know me. You know who I am. The truth is those blue eyes of yours have haunted me, and gotten me through some rather lonely nights. And the accent? Well, it does happen to get me warm in all the right places. I like you. I like this you, and the truth is I even like the you that doesn't exist. I'm sure I'll probably go crazy trying to keep up with which you it is I'm dealing with, but I want to try." She let out a rush of air and leaned back in her seat as she shrugged. "If you'll have me. It's not going to matter if I want to be in it or not unless you can put up with me. Or if what you felt was real."
Marc let out another breath and put his hand over his mouth as he watched her for a few moments. "The only place you will ever get the real me is home, away from anyone. Everywhere else, I'm who you met at that party. It's one or the other and nothing in between." He took a photograph from his pocket and handed it to her. It was him - James - with Ali and Mark, taken no more than a year ago. "I still don't know how I get through each day without them. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can't even think. Harri, do you really want to shoulder a heavy weight like this? Knowing that I'm two different people, that every single day I go out and I do a very dangerous job. I could make one wrong move and never come home to you. But most of all, knowing that you're never really going to have me completely. You're always going to share me with the Service, no matter what because that's the oath I've taken, Harri. It's why I gave up everything."
Harri glanced from Marc to his badge to the photo she took from him. He really was gorgeous. Those blue eyes sent shivers down her spine. Her tongue rest in the corner of her mouth before she moved over to him and leaned down so her lips were close to his. "You're always going to have to share me with my work, I see it as no different. I am my magazine. I always will be because I have sacrificed so much of my life for it to even exist. The only thing I can promise you is that if it does happen, I will love you completely and utterly. I will love you for the loyalty you have to the Service, and I will love you in the moments you're home and yourself, and I will love you in the moments that you're in public and Marc. You shouldn't be alone, and if I can stop you from going crazy, then yes, I will carry that burden. I've had my breakdown, love. I think I'm good for at least another five years."
"Your magazine won't get you killed in the line of duty," Marc murmured, looking at the photo. "That's part of the reason I even joined the Service to begin with." He fell silent, thinking the situation over. "To be entirely honest... yeah, yeah, I know. I'll have to lie down after this. But to be honest, I'm fucking petrified, Harri. I have been scared of relationships for a very long time. I had a bad experience and committment doesn't come easy for me. That aside, though, I'm just scared in general. And lonely. I have this whole situation with my best friend that I can't even begin to know how to deal with but my heart has just done nothing but ache these last few weeks. I'm scared I'm not going to be what you need or want me to be."
Harri pressed a kiss to his lips and as she stroked the side of his face. "I don't want you to be anything. I don't need you to be anything. I just want someone I can share my life with, even if it's a few precious moments before sleep." She kissed him again, this time letting her lips linger. "For the record, I'm just as scared. It's been a long, long time since I've ever even considered commitment."
Marc ran his hand through his hair. "How about we just take things slow at the start? If you want to bail, you can. I won't blame you. I have to warn you, though, I'm right in the middle of an investigation. I was tracking someone in LA and I just got back from London. That leaving at the drop of a hat thing can and will happen. You might be able to give me a fresh opinion on my best pal, too. My brain is fried and you seem to have some great BFF skills."
Harri sat back in her chair, giving him distance again. If she stayed close to him, that taking it slow wouldn't come into account. "I seem to remember you making a very similar deal with me before. Although I suppose that was the man who doesn't exist. This is from the man who does, correct?" Harri gave a nod as she tucked her hair behind her ears. "I can deal with slow. I suppose my legs will just have to be used to remaining shut." It was crude, but it was the truth. She couldn't remember the last time she'd voluntarily gone this long without sex. "I might have to take up some sort of sport. The BFF I can try and help with, though I'm not sure what it is I could tell you."
"I was trying to keep you away from me before. This time, I hope the slow might lead somewhere," Marc admitted, meeting her eyes. "And slow doesn't mean no sex. The committment thing is slow, not the physical," he clarified. He sighed and picked up the photo. "This is Ali and that's my brother Mark... well, James' brother."
He stopped and rubbed his hand over his mouth as the emotion started to build up. "They used to date. In fact, they were serious and close to getting engaged, but she turned him down and he got an ego complex. They broke up, he married a pair of fake tits, and Ali lost all respect she had for him. To explain it in the bare minimum. Last April, they had an affair, a one night stand. Ali got pregnant and when I left to join the service, she was about six months along with my niece or nephew. I thought Mark and my... my... girlfriend, Izzy, Ali's other best friend, would take care of her. But apparently it didn't come off. On Christmas Day, I was at the hospital for my arm and I saw her. She had a baby pram... It ate me up and I made a really horrible decision to go and see her. It didn't go well. She pulled her gun on me and totally freaked out, understandably. We talked briefly but when she offered for me to meet my niece, I lost my resolve and left. I haven't done anything about it since and now I have no idea what to do next. This all happened just a few days before you caught me out in LA, so I've been a total wreck of late."
"I can't really blame you for being a wreck. And this... Izzy, you don't want to--can't--seek her out again? She's James' ex. And I would be... well, I'd be Marc's girlfriend?" The word 'girlfriend' was strange to say at first, but she didn't freak out about it. "You've already exposed yourself to her. I don't see why she can't be in Marc's life. You've slipped up for a reason. I would say it's because you can't really be functional at your job without your coping mechanisms. You need people who know you. No one can ever completely separate themselves in the way that you're required. You need something to make it all worth it besides the fight for justice."
Marc shook his head. "No, it can't happen. James is dead. Nothing can change that. I made a monumentous mistake with Ali and it was lucky she didn't kill me. She's an FBI Agent, too, though not a field agent. She's a Forensic Analyst and fiesty bitch," he added with a small laugh. "I haven't ever seen her so torn apart before, but four weeks after she had the baby, my timing was totally fucked up for her. I just can't believe she's a mum... she has a little baby girl called Jamie." He met Harri's eyes with a sad smile. "It's just hard. And probably why I really did not handle the situation with you so well. I was already beating myself up for failing. But this thing with us, Harri. It's got to be new and fresh. Nothing from my past. If I choose to see Ali and the baby, she knows and understands the cover."
"I'm not looking to be a part of your past, Marc," Harri commented as she crossed her legs. "I still think you should see your friend and your niece. I can keep my mouth shut around her, or I can just not meet her. One step at a time, yes? We're not at the family step. However if we're at the you fucking me on the conference table now that we've possibly made up step, then I'd like to know."
Marc smiled, it actually not veiled for the first time since he arrived. "She's actually a lot like you. I think you will love each other or hate each other. Spent the whole pregnancy calling the baby 'sprog' because she felt no maternal instinct at all." His face fell a little and he looked down at the tabletop. "I'd give anything to be part of my niece's life... to be part of Ali's..."
Harri ran her hand over the back of Marc's neck and watched him. "I like her already. So give it... be a part of their lives. Give yourself something. Or at least think it over some more. If you can give me a chance when all I've done is made your life hell, then you can surely give them a chance."
Marc peered across the table at her, the smile reaching his eyes this time. "You haven't made it hell... but how are you at babysitting? Ali's going to make me pay some way, I'll guarantee it," he said. "I'll be paying until I'm eighty."
Harri bit her lip as she smiled a little. "I'm probably awful at babysitting but I think I'd be quite good at watching you do it. And providing the odd distraction while the baby gets sleep."
Marc drew a breath and let it out in a slow exhalation. "Well, if there is ever a fine argument, that's it," he decided with a small nod, looking at her with maybe just a tiny bit more confidence now. Was it possible things might actually be looking up for him?
All muses referenced with permission
Word Count | 4,200
| Good Will Hunting
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
It was snowing outside and the weather served as a nice side dish to Marc's already sombre mood. He had always hated being cold, so it was needless to say that snow wasn't really a love of his. Skiing and playing in it when he was a kid was one thing, but to need to live in it and go about life in it had always been something that irritated him. Today, though, he was mostly ignoring it. He stepped out of the back of his car and thanked his driver before closing the door. He stood for a few moments and watched the sleek black car disappear back into the traffic and then looked up at the huge high-rise looming over him. It was the headquarters for Razor and the first time Marc had been here. Something seemed wrong with that alone, but he wasn't going to dwell on it. It was hardly a normal situation. He probably shouldn't even be here now, but it was all said and done now. Besides Harri, his cover hadn't been blown and he explained it away with his big bosses that he wasn't Harri's type and they had argued. Nothing more was said on it and he went straight from LA to London for a brief trip to collect some things from his safety deposit box and meet with one of the US Consulate about what he had discovered in LA. It was all very lacklustre and Marc returned to New York with a heavy mind and heavy heart.
He had stewed for days. First contemplating contacting Ali, but he was scared to even do that. He talked to his advisor, Paul, and admitted everything to him, and while Paul seemed to contemplate whether to slap him or not, he surprisingly hinted that Marc should pursue Harri... on the provisio she could take it; take him as Marcus Fraser and forget anything he told her about James Campbell. Yeah, when he put it like that, he made it sound as easy as wiping one's arse. If only.
But either way, Marc knew he couldn't just leave things how they had been. He had to speak to Harri and seek some sort of resolution, whether it was just to apologise and go their separate ways or something different entirely. The elevator ride felt slow and he watched the City shrink down before him from the strip of window in the middle of it. He was soon forced to turn away, though. He fucking hated heights and he didn't want to show up in her office looking green or throwing up in one of her indoor pot plants. The office was large and modern, Harri having a whole floor to herself or some shit. It wasn't really that impressive to Marc... he didn't care about the surroundings, just seeing Harri. He unwound his scarf slowly and removed his gloves as he approached the receptionist. "Can I please see Harriet Ryan?" he requested politely, the English accent well and truly back.
"Do you have an appointment, sir?"
Marc shook his head. "No, I don't. I'm sorry," he added with an apologetic smile. "It is important I see her, though. If you could just check if she has some time, I would really appreciate it."
The receptionist baulked but then his smile seemed to have won her over along with the soft tone and accent. "Who can I tell her is here, sir?"
Marc hesitated and then met the girl's eyes again. "Just tell her it's James," he said quietly.
Harri had a fashion layout in front of her, pages of photos spread across the large conference table. It wasn't actually there to have meetings, it was there for her to be able to look at the magazine properly. She shuffled a couple of the pages around and took another look. There was something missing from the spread, but she just couldn't put her finger on it. The photos were fine, but they just weren't fantastic. She wanted them to be fantastic.
"Ms Ryan?" The voice issued from a speaker on the table and Harri sighed. "There's a James here to see you."
Harri froze, still leaning across the table with her fingers on another of the photographs. James? No... it couldn't be. He hadn't wanted anything to do with her. She heard her receptionist's voice again, obviously concerned that she hadn't received a reply yet. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. All the emotion she'd been trying to keep under wraps since her breakdown at Aiden's was threatening to burst just from hearing one name. So much for working herself to the bone just to forget him. Harri reached out a slender finger and hit the button on the intercom. "Send him in."
There would be no forgetting him, Harri realised that now. She tried to put her focus back on the photographs and not turn around so that she was watching the door. She didn't want to appear to be eager, did she?
The receptionist nodded and smiled up at Marc. "You can go in, sir." She pointed to the large double doors across from her. "Just over there. No need to knock." Marc turned around to look at the doors and seriously contemplated bolting for the elevator again. Since when was he a quitter, though?
"Thank you," he returned politely and went over to the doors. He didn't let himself hesitate before turning the knobs and opening the door. He found Harri stood over a spread of papers on a conference table at the far end of the room. He closed the door behind him, but didn't move any further into the room. It wasn't his domain anymore and while that didn't exactly bother him, it would be Harri that needed to call the shots. He put his hands into the pockets of his coat and cleared his throat. "Hey," he said softly, his old self seeming to want to come through in her presence.
Harri turned her head slightly, catching a glimpse of Marc from the corner of her eye. Or James. She couldn't really be sure what she was supposed to call him anymore. Her gaze dropped back to the table and she straightened her back before folding her arms under her chest, the black v-neck top showing off her pale skin. "Hey." Another deep breath as Harri waited for her stomach to work itself into even more knots before she turned to face him finally. The brown contacts were in, and Harri was surprised to find she was disappointed not to see his blue eyes. "You don't have to hover by the door, love. You're welcome to sit down. Or hover a bit closer."
Marc let out a small breath he had been holding and moved closer. He wet his lips and tried not to let his eyes peruse her body too much. "I, um..." he began awkwardly. "I couldn't leave things how they were in LA. I know you're probably wondering if I'm just here to make sure my cover is in tact, it's not that. I couldn't stop you revealing the truth if I wanted to and the Service would boot me out on my arse before trying to help me save face. If I fuck up, I fuck up once and once only. I just needed to talk to you."
Harri rest against the conference table as she kept her gaze on him. He looked good, but then he always had looked good. She was trying very hard not to think of what they could get accomplished on the conference table. Harri arched an eyebrow, and smiled a little. She decided to make no mention of her talk with Aiden, hoping that if her BFF ever did meet Marc he'd keep his mouth shut. "I'm listening."
"I didn't say I knew what to say," Marc added sheepishly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Is your office on security cameras or sound security? Anything like that?" he asked, glancing around to sweep the area for any obvious devices.
Harri couldn't help but laugh a little. "Ah, well... hard to talk when you don't know what to say. Unless you're one of those awful people who feels the need to fill the silence with complete and utter crap." Harri made a face that spoke clearly of experience with such people. Then she smirked a little, warming to Marc's presence as she relaxed. This was her territory, why should she be scared? "I think there's a camera in the corner near my desk. A precaution on the off chance anyone ever tries to assault me. There's a switch to turn it off on the control panel. It's not as if I like all my liaisons being witnessed."
"I usually just fidget restlessly, bite on things or drum on things until everyone in my vicinity wants to murder me," Marc admitted with a small laugh. "I was banned from board meetings at one point because my boss couldn't handle the movement." He nodded and went over to the camera. His fingers sought the switch immediately, shutting it off. The mask needed to be dropped if he was going to pull this off. "I can only imagine," he said with a smirk, the Aussie accent back with full force again.
Harri took the break in persona without batting an eyelid. In fact, her smile might have increased just a little bit. "I don't think I would have kicked you out, although I might have wound up being done for sexual harrassment." She licked her lips as she pushed off the conference table and moved over to him. "So."
Marc finally took one of the seats at the conference table and shrugged out of his long coat. "So..." He drew a long breath and let it out slowly, holding up a hand. He produced a small leather wallet and folded it open, pushing it across the table to her. It contained both his FBI and SS badges and beneath them, his MedicAlert card. "Figured this was as good a start as any so you can have even just a tiny peace of mind that I wasn't pulling the piss."
"I never believed you were," Harri replied as she picked up the badge and ran her thumb over his picture. "That's why it hurt so much. The truth is you don't owe me anything. It's taken me a breakdown and several days of throwing myself into my work to realise that, but it's the truth. You don't. I pushed my way into your life when you didn't want it."
"It wasn't that, Harri," Marc told her softly. After a moment of hesitation, he placed his hand over hers. "There was no reason I couldn't have romance in my new life. I was told from day one that I should try to be as normal as possible whilst still keeping my cover. It was me. The guilt ate me alive and I was trying to keep you at arm's length so I didn't let you get close and know that all I was doing was lying to you. You've got to understand that the me I left behind in my old life was very sociable and very affectionate. I thrived on having people I loved around me and I was miserable when I didn't. I thought this transition thing would have been okay. Hard, sure, but I was determined to succeed. But as soon as Christmas was upon me, it sucked me dry. I was so homesick and missed my family so badly it made me sick. And then I saw my best friend at the hospital the day I got shot and my resolve fell apart. What I'm trying to say is, I was anything but emotionally stable when I met you. Marcus was, but he's a fucking slut and water off a duck's back. It was easy to put up the mask and keep going. On the inside, though, it was a different story and you came into my life at a bad time, but that's not your fault. It's not your fault I started to have feelings for you."
Harri let out a slow breath and turned her hand over so that her palm was against his. "I'm sorry it's been so hard for you, I really am. Maybe I should have picked up on something, but I suppose you were just too good. If it helps, I started to have feelings for you too. But I guess you know that, and I suppose you'll tell me they were feelings for someone who didn't really exist. Makes a girl wonder what it'll take for someone to love her."
"I'm trained to be excellent," Marc told her wryly. "If I was anything but, I wouldn't be in the SS. That's probably my downfall right there. They were feelings for someone who didn't really exist, Harri. The guy in the hotel room in LA and me here now is as I come. Anything else is the mask. There are facets of Marcus that I brought with me, which makes it easier for me to keep undercover, but when I go home and I'm alone, there's not much to me. Plus I can tell you that the whole committment thing is something I definitely brought with me. My last partner... it took me two years to get my finger out. None of this is painting myself in a good light, but what I'm trying to say is that being with me in any capacity is probably more hassle than it's worth, Harri. If you come into my world, it has to be wholly and entirely. And a lot of it is far from hearts and roses."
"But what you don't seem to understand is, that I was already in it wholly and entirely and I still want to be. Marc, James... whatever, you know me. You know who I am. The truth is those blue eyes of yours have haunted me, and gotten me through some rather lonely nights. And the accent? Well, it does happen to get me warm in all the right places. I like you. I like this you, and the truth is I even like the you that doesn't exist. I'm sure I'll probably go crazy trying to keep up with which you it is I'm dealing with, but I want to try." She let out a rush of air and leaned back in her seat as she shrugged. "If you'll have me. It's not going to matter if I want to be in it or not unless you can put up with me. Or if what you felt was real."
Marc let out another breath and put his hand over his mouth as he watched her for a few moments. "The only place you will ever get the real me is home, away from anyone. Everywhere else, I'm who you met at that party. It's one or the other and nothing in between." He took a photograph from his pocket and handed it to her. It was him - James - with Ali and Mark, taken no more than a year ago. "I still don't know how I get through each day without them. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can't even think. Harri, do you really want to shoulder a heavy weight like this? Knowing that I'm two different people, that every single day I go out and I do a very dangerous job. I could make one wrong move and never come home to you. But most of all, knowing that you're never really going to have me completely. You're always going to share me with the Service, no matter what because that's the oath I've taken, Harri. It's why I gave up everything."
Harri glanced from Marc to his badge to the photo she took from him. He really was gorgeous. Those blue eyes sent shivers down her spine. Her tongue rest in the corner of her mouth before she moved over to him and leaned down so her lips were close to his. "You're always going to have to share me with my work, I see it as no different. I am my magazine. I always will be because I have sacrificed so much of my life for it to even exist. The only thing I can promise you is that if it does happen, I will love you completely and utterly. I will love you for the loyalty you have to the Service, and I will love you in the moments you're home and yourself, and I will love you in the moments that you're in public and Marc. You shouldn't be alone, and if I can stop you from going crazy, then yes, I will carry that burden. I've had my breakdown, love. I think I'm good for at least another five years."
"Your magazine won't get you killed in the line of duty," Marc murmured, looking at the photo. "That's part of the reason I even joined the Service to begin with." He fell silent, thinking the situation over. "To be entirely honest... yeah, yeah, I know. I'll have to lie down after this. But to be honest, I'm fucking petrified, Harri. I have been scared of relationships for a very long time. I had a bad experience and committment doesn't come easy for me. That aside, though, I'm just scared in general. And lonely. I have this whole situation with my best friend that I can't even begin to know how to deal with but my heart has just done nothing but ache these last few weeks. I'm scared I'm not going to be what you need or want me to be."
Harri pressed a kiss to his lips and as she stroked the side of his face. "I don't want you to be anything. I don't need you to be anything. I just want someone I can share my life with, even if it's a few precious moments before sleep." She kissed him again, this time letting her lips linger. "For the record, I'm just as scared. It's been a long, long time since I've ever even considered commitment."
Marc ran his hand through his hair. "How about we just take things slow at the start? If you want to bail, you can. I won't blame you. I have to warn you, though, I'm right in the middle of an investigation. I was tracking someone in LA and I just got back from London. That leaving at the drop of a hat thing can and will happen. You might be able to give me a fresh opinion on my best pal, too. My brain is fried and you seem to have some great BFF skills."
Harri sat back in her chair, giving him distance again. If she stayed close to him, that taking it slow wouldn't come into account. "I seem to remember you making a very similar deal with me before. Although I suppose that was the man who doesn't exist. This is from the man who does, correct?" Harri gave a nod as she tucked her hair behind her ears. "I can deal with slow. I suppose my legs will just have to be used to remaining shut." It was crude, but it was the truth. She couldn't remember the last time she'd voluntarily gone this long without sex. "I might have to take up some sort of sport. The BFF I can try and help with, though I'm not sure what it is I could tell you."
"I was trying to keep you away from me before. This time, I hope the slow might lead somewhere," Marc admitted, meeting her eyes. "And slow doesn't mean no sex. The committment thing is slow, not the physical," he clarified. He sighed and picked up the photo. "This is Ali and that's my brother Mark... well, James' brother."
He stopped and rubbed his hand over his mouth as the emotion started to build up. "They used to date. In fact, they were serious and close to getting engaged, but she turned him down and he got an ego complex. They broke up, he married a pair of fake tits, and Ali lost all respect she had for him. To explain it in the bare minimum. Last April, they had an affair, a one night stand. Ali got pregnant and when I left to join the service, she was about six months along with my niece or nephew. I thought Mark and my... my... girlfriend, Izzy, Ali's other best friend, would take care of her. But apparently it didn't come off. On Christmas Day, I was at the hospital for my arm and I saw her. She had a baby pram... It ate me up and I made a really horrible decision to go and see her. It didn't go well. She pulled her gun on me and totally freaked out, understandably. We talked briefly but when she offered for me to meet my niece, I lost my resolve and left. I haven't done anything about it since and now I have no idea what to do next. This all happened just a few days before you caught me out in LA, so I've been a total wreck of late."
"I can't really blame you for being a wreck. And this... Izzy, you don't want to--can't--seek her out again? She's James' ex. And I would be... well, I'd be Marc's girlfriend?" The word 'girlfriend' was strange to say at first, but she didn't freak out about it. "You've already exposed yourself to her. I don't see why she can't be in Marc's life. You've slipped up for a reason. I would say it's because you can't really be functional at your job without your coping mechanisms. You need people who know you. No one can ever completely separate themselves in the way that you're required. You need something to make it all worth it besides the fight for justice."
Marc shook his head. "No, it can't happen. James is dead. Nothing can change that. I made a monumentous mistake with Ali and it was lucky she didn't kill me. She's an FBI Agent, too, though not a field agent. She's a Forensic Analyst and fiesty bitch," he added with a small laugh. "I haven't ever seen her so torn apart before, but four weeks after she had the baby, my timing was totally fucked up for her. I just can't believe she's a mum... she has a little baby girl called Jamie." He met Harri's eyes with a sad smile. "It's just hard. And probably why I really did not handle the situation with you so well. I was already beating myself up for failing. But this thing with us, Harri. It's got to be new and fresh. Nothing from my past. If I choose to see Ali and the baby, she knows and understands the cover."
"I'm not looking to be a part of your past, Marc," Harri commented as she crossed her legs. "I still think you should see your friend and your niece. I can keep my mouth shut around her, or I can just not meet her. One step at a time, yes? We're not at the family step. However if we're at the you fucking me on the conference table now that we've possibly made up step, then I'd like to know."
Marc smiled, it actually not veiled for the first time since he arrived. "She's actually a lot like you. I think you will love each other or hate each other. Spent the whole pregnancy calling the baby 'sprog' because she felt no maternal instinct at all." His face fell a little and he looked down at the tabletop. "I'd give anything to be part of my niece's life... to be part of Ali's..."
Harri ran her hand over the back of Marc's neck and watched him. "I like her already. So give it... be a part of their lives. Give yourself something. Or at least think it over some more. If you can give me a chance when all I've done is made your life hell, then you can surely give them a chance."
Marc peered across the table at her, the smile reaching his eyes this time. "You haven't made it hell... but how are you at babysitting? Ali's going to make me pay some way, I'll guarantee it," he said. "I'll be paying until I'm eighty."
Harri bit her lip as she smiled a little. "I'm probably awful at babysitting but I think I'd be quite good at watching you do it. And providing the odd distraction while the baby gets sleep."
Marc drew a breath and let it out in a slow exhalation. "Well, if there is ever a fine argument, that's it," he decided with a small nod, looking at her with maybe just a tiny bit more confidence now. Was it possible things might actually be looking up for him?
All muses referenced with permission
Word Count | 4,200