... owowowowowow!
Remember that 'fic about me? Yeah. The Author somehow managed to work her mind into HQ and infected me. She dropped me into that story. Ow.
Fortunately, Agents Vemi and Penny - who's now out of Medical - came and rescued me, but... well. Here's their report.
When the computer beeped, Vemi and Penny were sitting in their response centre, chatting about Stuff. Mainly the kind of stuff which flips between complaining about the SO and contemplating which weapon to use on the next ‘Sue. So far, Vemi was managing to persuade Penny that daggers were the best weapon to use. When Penny heard the beep, however, she sat up with an annoyed groan.
“Pester somebody else,” she muttered, but clicked a couple of buttons anyway and scanned her eyes over the story.
It was only short - four paragraphs - but that was enough. Her face turned white, rivalling the lack of colour of some of the ‘Sues. Choking, she almost fell out of her chair. Worried, Vemi hurried over.
“What is it?” she asked.
Unable to answer, Penny just pointed at the screen and whimpered. Vemi read half of it, and then pulled Vemi out of her seat.
“They’ll be around here somewhere,” she whispered. Her eyes flicked nervously around the room, examining the shadows. Moving her hands quickly, she whisked a pair of dagger out of her hair from where they had been hidden as hair pins.
“’Sues in the PPC,” moaned Penny, finding her voice at last, “poor, poor Dafydd! What if that happens to one of us?”
“We’ll be rescued,” growled Vemi, and lurched out of the room. When she realised Penny was still sitting frozen in her chair, she turned around angrily.
“Hurry up, will you? The bint’s going to write more! Go and find Selene. You know her better than I do.”
With that, she stormed out of the response centre to search through HQ and find the ‘Sue. Vemi debated letting Dafydd kill the brat, but then decided that, no, in this state he would probably do something stupid like try to save her life. Maybe even he would do it by trying to kill Vemi. No, handing the girl over to him would be a very bad idea indeed. Besides, he needed a good slap across the face to bring him back to senses, if anything.
Storming through the maze of corridors, Vemi’s frustration grew as she failed to find Selene, Dafydd or the nameless ‘Sue. At last, by some stroke of luck, HQ’s canon seemed to finally decide to work on her side.
She suddenly caught sight of Selene open a door and cry “OMG dafyd how cud u???!!!?”
Vemi winced, and at about the same time Penny came jogging up on the other side of the corridor, puffing a little bit. Vemi signalled to her not to make any sound, and Penny nodded. They both heard Dafydd speaking.
“Go awy,” he said “cant u see im busy???!”
Again, Vemi winced and bit her lip. When Selene came around, Dafydd would definitely be regretting that. Being that rude to the agent was asking for trouble. She remembered the crossbow that Selene now owned, having been given it by Dafydd when he had been holidaying in Ankh-Morpork, and made a mental note to try and explain everything to Selene before she next saw Dafydd. That way, he might be saved from resembling a sieve.
Coming back out of her semi-daydream just in time, Vemi jumped out of the way of Selene as she walked away, just as Dafydd had told her to. Penny leapt across the corridor and, as Vemi watched in horror, hit Selene across the back of the head, knocking her out.
Woefully, Penny rubbed her knuckles.
“She’s going to kill me,” she muttered dismally, “I’m going to die. I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die…”
Leaving Penny to her mantra, Vemi shook her head and stalked over to the door. Banging it open, she grabbed hold of Dafydd before either he or the ‘Sue had time to react, and slapped him hard across the face. Then, for good luck, she hit him again before letting go of him and letting him stumble away, dazed. Then, she turned her attention to the ‘Sue.
“Hi, my name’s Vemi,” she said brightly, “I’m charging you with the abuse of canon and sending two PPCers completely OOC and being a Mary Sue. Do you have a death speech for Penny and me to write down, or are we just going to kill you?”
“im not a mari su!” wailed the pathetic creature, “I cant be cuz im a PpCer!!!! Im gunna kil u cuz I hat u!!!!”
“Well, I’d hate to think that you actually like me,” she said, and then raised her daggers. Then…she fell over with a loud thud, the twin daggers flying out of her hands, and then she looked up. Dafydd was standing there, his cheek very red from where she had struck, and he looked dazed. He was also looking angry. The phase ‘uh-oh’ passed quickly through Vemi’s head as she realised she hadn’t hit him hard enough. He was still being controlled by the ‘Sue.
“she sed she wuz gunna kil me 4 beein a mari su!!!!” cried the Mary Sue, “kil hre 4 me, dafyd dalling!!!!!!”
“hoe dar u acus my sweti pie of bein a su, u meeni???!!!?” he yelled. Vemi looked over at the daggers. They were too far away from her to reach, and she would never have enough time to grab any of her other concealed daggers before being murdered.
“Drat,” she whispered to herself. Outside, she could still hear Penny wailing out her mantra of “I’m going to die.”
For a moment she contemplated screaming, but then dismissed the idea. She was a veteran at the PPC, and had screaming like a little child would be demeaning as well as embarrassing. Then again…she watched Dafydd, his eyes still glazed over from the power of the nameless ‘Sue, he was advancing on her quickly and the sword he had stolen from Death was in his hand. It didn’t seem like she was left any other choices. Besides, Dafydd was an elf, wasn’t he…?
As he raised the sword, she opened her mouth and screamed.
Later, Penny would tell her how impressive it had been. Had any of the Nazgul heard it, they would probably have told her how impressive it had been…if they could have spoken, at any rate. It was high pitched. Had there been any glass around, it probably would have been shattered. It was also dragged out. It had to be. Her life depended on it.
As the great sword of Death clattered to the ground, Vemi whisked her legs out of the way before they were cut off, and sprang up to her feet. Quickly, she grabbed the sword - it was, after all, the nearest weapon to her - and swung it. It was a clean cut, right through the neck of the ‘Sue. Unfortunately, it was also a clean cut through her wrists as well, because she had been covering her ears from the high pitched screaming.
When the door opened, Vemi span round, holding up the sword in self defence. When she saw that the only person there was Penny, she breathed a sigh of relief and threw the sword down on to the ground where, as it happens, it made another cut through the limp body of the ‘Sue.
“You alright?”
Vemi shrugged and prodded Dafydd none too gently with a foot. He moaned. His hands were clasped over his ears.
“I am, but he’s not. He tried to kill me! He’ll have one heck of a headache when he wakes up.”
“Serves him right them,” replied Penny indignantly. Vemi opened her mouth, and then when she realised that Penny was right, she shut it again.
“How’s Selene?”
“Murderous. She’s just come round.”
Vemi grinned the type of grin that suggests somebody else was about to get hurt.
“Wonderful. Everything’s back to normal then. Come on, let’s get back to the response centre.”
My ears... even on a human it would be painful, but for me... owowowow.
And Selene is going to kill me... oh Eru. Here she comes now...
Fortunately, Agents Vemi and Penny - who's now out of Medical - came and rescued me, but... well. Here's their report.
When the computer beeped, Vemi and Penny were sitting in their response centre, chatting about Stuff. Mainly the kind of stuff which flips between complaining about the SO and contemplating which weapon to use on the next ‘Sue. So far, Vemi was managing to persuade Penny that daggers were the best weapon to use. When Penny heard the beep, however, she sat up with an annoyed groan.
“Pester somebody else,” she muttered, but clicked a couple of buttons anyway and scanned her eyes over the story.
It was only short - four paragraphs - but that was enough. Her face turned white, rivalling the lack of colour of some of the ‘Sues. Choking, she almost fell out of her chair. Worried, Vemi hurried over.
“What is it?” she asked.
Unable to answer, Penny just pointed at the screen and whimpered. Vemi read half of it, and then pulled Vemi out of her seat.
“They’ll be around here somewhere,” she whispered. Her eyes flicked nervously around the room, examining the shadows. Moving her hands quickly, she whisked a pair of dagger out of her hair from where they had been hidden as hair pins.
“’Sues in the PPC,” moaned Penny, finding her voice at last, “poor, poor Dafydd! What if that happens to one of us?”
“We’ll be rescued,” growled Vemi, and lurched out of the room. When she realised Penny was still sitting frozen in her chair, she turned around angrily.
“Hurry up, will you? The bint’s going to write more! Go and find Selene. You know her better than I do.”
With that, she stormed out of the response centre to search through HQ and find the ‘Sue. Vemi debated letting Dafydd kill the brat, but then decided that, no, in this state he would probably do something stupid like try to save her life. Maybe even he would do it by trying to kill Vemi. No, handing the girl over to him would be a very bad idea indeed. Besides, he needed a good slap across the face to bring him back to senses, if anything.
Storming through the maze of corridors, Vemi’s frustration grew as she failed to find Selene, Dafydd or the nameless ‘Sue. At last, by some stroke of luck, HQ’s canon seemed to finally decide to work on her side.
She suddenly caught sight of Selene open a door and cry “OMG dafyd how cud u???!!!?”
Vemi winced, and at about the same time Penny came jogging up on the other side of the corridor, puffing a little bit. Vemi signalled to her not to make any sound, and Penny nodded. They both heard Dafydd speaking.
“Go awy,” he said “cant u see im busy???!”
Again, Vemi winced and bit her lip. When Selene came around, Dafydd would definitely be regretting that. Being that rude to the agent was asking for trouble. She remembered the crossbow that Selene now owned, having been given it by Dafydd when he had been holidaying in Ankh-Morpork, and made a mental note to try and explain everything to Selene before she next saw Dafydd. That way, he might be saved from resembling a sieve.
Coming back out of her semi-daydream just in time, Vemi jumped out of the way of Selene as she walked away, just as Dafydd had told her to. Penny leapt across the corridor and, as Vemi watched in horror, hit Selene across the back of the head, knocking her out.
Woefully, Penny rubbed her knuckles.
“She’s going to kill me,” she muttered dismally, “I’m going to die. I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die…”
Leaving Penny to her mantra, Vemi shook her head and stalked over to the door. Banging it open, she grabbed hold of Dafydd before either he or the ‘Sue had time to react, and slapped him hard across the face. Then, for good luck, she hit him again before letting go of him and letting him stumble away, dazed. Then, she turned her attention to the ‘Sue.
“Hi, my name’s Vemi,” she said brightly, “I’m charging you with the abuse of canon and sending two PPCers completely OOC and being a Mary Sue. Do you have a death speech for Penny and me to write down, or are we just going to kill you?”
“im not a mari su!” wailed the pathetic creature, “I cant be cuz im a PpCer!!!! Im gunna kil u cuz I hat u!!!!”
“Well, I’d hate to think that you actually like me,” she said, and then raised her daggers. Then…she fell over with a loud thud, the twin daggers flying out of her hands, and then she looked up. Dafydd was standing there, his cheek very red from where she had struck, and he looked dazed. He was also looking angry. The phase ‘uh-oh’ passed quickly through Vemi’s head as she realised she hadn’t hit him hard enough. He was still being controlled by the ‘Sue.
“she sed she wuz gunna kil me 4 beein a mari su!!!!” cried the Mary Sue, “kil hre 4 me, dafyd dalling!!!!!!”
“hoe dar u acus my sweti pie of bein a su, u meeni???!!!?” he yelled. Vemi looked over at the daggers. They were too far away from her to reach, and she would never have enough time to grab any of her other concealed daggers before being murdered.
“Drat,” she whispered to herself. Outside, she could still hear Penny wailing out her mantra of “I’m going to die.”
For a moment she contemplated screaming, but then dismissed the idea. She was a veteran at the PPC, and had screaming like a little child would be demeaning as well as embarrassing. Then again…she watched Dafydd, his eyes still glazed over from the power of the nameless ‘Sue, he was advancing on her quickly and the sword he had stolen from Death was in his hand. It didn’t seem like she was left any other choices. Besides, Dafydd was an elf, wasn’t he…?
As he raised the sword, she opened her mouth and screamed.
Later, Penny would tell her how impressive it had been. Had any of the Nazgul heard it, they would probably have told her how impressive it had been…if they could have spoken, at any rate. It was high pitched. Had there been any glass around, it probably would have been shattered. It was also dragged out. It had to be. Her life depended on it.
As the great sword of Death clattered to the ground, Vemi whisked her legs out of the way before they were cut off, and sprang up to her feet. Quickly, she grabbed the sword - it was, after all, the nearest weapon to her - and swung it. It was a clean cut, right through the neck of the ‘Sue. Unfortunately, it was also a clean cut through her wrists as well, because she had been covering her ears from the high pitched screaming.
When the door opened, Vemi span round, holding up the sword in self defence. When she saw that the only person there was Penny, she breathed a sigh of relief and threw the sword down on to the ground where, as it happens, it made another cut through the limp body of the ‘Sue.
“You alright?”
Vemi shrugged and prodded Dafydd none too gently with a foot. He moaned. His hands were clasped over his ears.
“I am, but he’s not. He tried to kill me! He’ll have one heck of a headache when he wakes up.”
“Serves him right them,” replied Penny indignantly. Vemi opened her mouth, and then when she realised that Penny was right, she shut it again.
“How’s Selene?”
“Murderous. She’s just come round.”
Vemi grinned the type of grin that suggests somebody else was about to get hurt.
“Wonderful. Everything’s back to normal then. Come on, let’s get back to the response centre.”
My ears... even on a human it would be painful, but for me... owowowow.
And Selene is going to kill me... oh Eru. Here she comes now...