I love the smell of failure in the morning
You know that dream, where you go to class and the teacher announces that there's an exam, and you're all OMG, there's an exam? I didn't know there's an exam! I HAVEN'T STUDIED!!!!
That dream became reality today.
I thought the exam was on Thursday. I have it written down as being on Thursday. In my planner, I have a little red exam sticker on Thursday. I was going to study tomorrow night, and go into the exam, confident in my knowledge.
Instead, I spent two hours sweating and twitching while I wracked my brain for facts.
I wanted to cry. I nearly did cry, and I'm telling this to one of the other women in my class, and she's all, "There has to personal accountability!", and I'm thinking, I know that, I really do, but it's not what I want to hear right now, so would you like me to beat you to death with your travel mug, or would you prefer a simple 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on'?
And this is just adding to my raging self doubt, the fear that even after I graduate I won't be able to find a job, and in desperation I'll have to get a job at like, Wal-Mart or something, and I will end up trapped there for the rest of my life, old and in debt and wearing a hideous polyester vest while saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" until I die, alone (I won't be able to afford cats) in my crappy apartment, where no one will find me until months later, when my liquified body starts dripping through the ceiling of the apartment below, and because I am alone all of my stuff, including my useless degree, will be tossed into the dumpster, and no one will remember except the cops, who will refer to me as Decomp Lady when they're talking about the grossest things they've ever seen.
I can't even sulk properly, because I've got another test tomorrow, so I have to read up on basketry and pottery and shit. And that chocolate cake's not going to shove itself into my mouth.
That dream became reality today.
I thought the exam was on Thursday. I have it written down as being on Thursday. In my planner, I have a little red exam sticker on Thursday. I was going to study tomorrow night, and go into the exam, confident in my knowledge.
Instead, I spent two hours sweating and twitching while I wracked my brain for facts.
I wanted to cry. I nearly did cry, and I'm telling this to one of the other women in my class, and she's all, "There has to personal accountability!", and I'm thinking, I know that, I really do, but it's not what I want to hear right now, so would you like me to beat you to death with your travel mug, or would you prefer a simple 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on'?
And this is just adding to my raging self doubt, the fear that even after I graduate I won't be able to find a job, and in desperation I'll have to get a job at like, Wal-Mart or something, and I will end up trapped there for the rest of my life, old and in debt and wearing a hideous polyester vest while saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" until I die, alone (I won't be able to afford cats) in my crappy apartment, where no one will find me until months later, when my liquified body starts dripping through the ceiling of the apartment below, and because I am alone all of my stuff, including my useless degree, will be tossed into the dumpster, and no one will remember except the cops, who will refer to me as Decomp Lady when they're talking about the grossest things they've ever seen.
I can't even sulk properly, because I've got another test tomorrow, so I have to read up on basketry and pottery and shit. And that chocolate cake's not going to shove itself into my mouth.