[ OnKey ] Sunbeams on Snow ( Part 3/3 )
Title: Sunbeams on Snow (3/3)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~4,300
Pairing: Onew x Key
Genre: Drama, romance
Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sex
Summary: High School AU. Jinki and Kibum were the last two people the world expected to see together.
Notes: This was long overdue, but here it is. Please enjoy, and sorry for the wait! Read part one here, and part two here.
---
Sunbeams on Snow
Part 3
---
Jinki had noticed that life had a tendency to lose its color without Kibum around. He didn’t realize it up until Kibum was finally gone, either. His life had returned to that dull, impatient monotony of get up, go to school, come back, study, sleep and he was caught in that vicious cycle day after day after day. Kibum’s pink smile was no longer there to brighten up his afternoons, and his vivid cheekbones were missing on Jinki’s long walk home after school. And Jinki knew that it wasn’t worth it to have his heart set on someone who didn’t even love him back, but was it his fault that when he slept, he dreamt of Kibum’s insouciant eyes and rosebud lips?
“Hyung, you haven’t been yourself lately,” Minho would gently prod.
“Why would you say that?” Jinki would smile widely, defiantly, and take an extra-large bite out of his sandwich during lunchtime. “I’m feeling just fine.”
Minho’s eyes would be questioning but he would only look down at his packed lunch, counting on Taemin to swiftly change the subject, and Jinki would know that he really wasn’t fooling anyone.
It had been about a week since classes started up again but Kibum was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t at the table with the popular kids during lunch, nor was he there in World History. Maybe he transferred schools without telling anyone. Maybe he was skipping class. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see Jinki at all, and it was that thought that made his heart clench tightly just a little.
Jinki thought he finally understood what had happened between them now. Kibum didn’t find him to be anyone special. Maybe they had shared some good times together, but in the end, it wasn’t about that, was it? Because right after they had finally had sex, all the communications between them stopped, and Jinki hated to admit it but he knew that maybe those rumors he hated were all true. Kibum had gotten under his skin, brought him to his apartment when his mother wasn’t home, and the two had done the deed. Though while Jinki had felt it to be something more romantic and genuine than pure lust, it was obvious now that Kibum hadn’t felt the same way.
And Jinki wanted to purge Kibum out of his system so badly, he really did. He’d gone home and grabbed a teddy bear they’d won at the amusement park together, and he’d grip it between his two sweaty hands, wanting to put it away, throw it away, get rid of it for good but in the end he’d just put it back on the shelf it had been on, and collapse back against his bed.
His grades were slipping. Not by much, but by enough. Jinki knew there was something wrong with him when he’d stop studying and go for a walk outside, his feet automatically taking him to Kibum’s apartment. But Jinki would only look, turn around and head to a nearby coffee shop instead.
It was pretty pathetic, really, Jinki would think while he sipped on his black coffee. It was pathetic how even despite all the heartbreak and hate and betrayal, he still loved Kibum with all the sincerity in the world.
---
When Kibum came back to school, it was a Tuesday. Jinki overheard some people talking about it in the hallways and his heart stopped beating for a minute. The very idea of seeing Kibum again made him dizzy, but with the kind of nausea that he knew went hand-in-hand with heartbreak. A thousand emotions flooded through him and he didn’t know which to feel first, and he only came back to his senses when someone bumped into him in the middle of the hallway. Jinki started a bit and looked at the clock; it was time for World History.
He felt himself shaking a little bit and maybe he was being sensitive again. The class bell rang and Jinki turned on his heel and walked out of the school building.
“Hyung, you skipped class?” Taemin later asked, looking at him with a surprised expression as they walked out of the building together after school. “You never skip class!”
Jinki laughed a little, though he didn’t quite mean it. “Yeah. It was kind of fun,” he said.
“What did you do?” Taemin grinned. “Did you go to an arcade? Or a café, or something?”
“Um, no,” Jinki said sheepishly. “I…did homework in the lunchroom.”
Taemin deadpanned.
“Anyway, Taemin-ah, I’ve got to get going. I told my mother I’d help her with rearranging the furniture in the living room.”
“Hyung, I think someone’s waving at us,” Taemin squinted, looking at something behind Jinki. “Oh, is that-is that Kim Kibum?”
Jinki froze for half of a second. He maybe-heard Kibum’s voice somewhere in the distance but at that moment something triggered in his brain that made him want to run away and never see his face again, because if he was sure that if he did, he’d fall under the spell of those lovely eyes once more. And Jinki knew-he just knew-that nothing good could come out of this because Kibum wasn’t good for him and he needed to stop this nonsense and go fall for someone who would treat him right.
“See you tomorrow, Taemin,” Jinki said quickly, before brushing past the younger boy and walking back home briskly. His heart didn’t stop thumping until he finally stepped into his own room.
The next day, he went to World History, if only because he was too good of a student to skip periodically. He came in late on purpose he looked everywhere but at Kibum, who was sitting near the back, as per usual. He sat down in his seat and tried to ignore the burning desire to look back, and when it was time for class to get out, Jinki threw his things into his bag and ran out before he could hear Kibum call out his name.
Jinki knew that avoiding the problem at hand probably wasn’t the best way to go about things, but for the next few days, that was exactly what he did.
“Hey! Jinki, wait!”
He heard Kibum’s voice and he felt someone grab his sleeve as he tried to escape from the lunchroom before anyone could notice him. Jinki didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want to because if he did, he was sure he might just fall in love all over again, and that would be really embarrassing, wouldn’t it? Especially because Kibum probably wanted someone who was more handsome, and taller, more confident and charming. Definitely-obviously not someone like Jinki.
“Hey, I have to-go,” Jinki said breathlessly, pulling his arm away. “See you,” he said.
“No, wait-what’s going on with you?” Kibum’s voice was rough and demanding and Jinki hadn’t heard it in so long, and he missed it and hated it all at the same time. “Why have you been ignoring me?”
“Sorry, I really have to go,” Jinki insisted and the almost-angry edge to his voice probably made Kibum let him go at last.
---
Kibum left him alone after that. He didn’t receive texts from him anymore, nor did he see Kibum trying to look for him in the hallways and after school. It was like everything had reset itself; it was like they had never met. It was like they had never held hands together in the park in the afternoon, or kissed under the moonlight in front of Kibum’s apartment, or made love to one another in his bed. And Jinki was trying his hardest not to be miserable, he really was. He’d tried to keep his chin up and smile but he knew that in the end it was all a lie.
And he knew that Kibum hadn’t been the same either, because he’d skip World History a lot and when he did show up he was always so glum-not that Jinki had been looking, right? He almost felt bad and there were times when he’d wanted to ask Kibum what was going on between them, but somehow he could never pluck up the courage to look him in the eye anymore.
“Hey. Over here.”
Jinki jumped a little bit as someone tapped him from behind on his way to eat lunch. He turned around and was surprised to see Kim Jonghyun, Kibum’s best friend. Jinki blinked. They had never talked before, so what was all this about? He suddenly felt nervous.
“Oh, hi. Um, Kim Jonghyun, right?” Jinki greeted him, but Jonghyun only looked kind of nonchalant as he nodded. Jinki was intimidated.
“Come with me,” Jonghyun instructed, and Jinki hesitated. “I just want to talk,” Jonghyun insisted, and Jinki finally followed.
Jonghyun took them to a fairly empty hallway-everyone was out eating lunch, after all-and leaned up against a locker bay, crossing his arms a little bit. Jinki noticed the way his biceps pushed against the material of his shirt, and how masculine and defined his jaw line really was, close up. No wonder every woman in the school was always swooning over him.
“So um,” Jinki started, fidgeting. “We’ve never talked before,” he stated.
“This is about Kibum,” Jonghyun told him, and Jinki suddenly froze up. He felt his heart harden.
“I… I don’t think I have anything to say about Kibum,” he replied, and although his voice was soft, there was an absoluteness in his voice.
“Why have you been ignoring him?” Jonghyun demanded, disregarding his words.
“What?” Jinki said, dumbfounded. “He ignored me first,” he stated calmly, not wanting this to escalate. “I assumed he’d lost interest in me. Um, why are you talking to me about this?”
“Because he’s my best friend and he hasn’t been himself lately.” Jonghyun looked at him reproachfully. “He always used to talk about you and gush to me about your little dates and stuff. It was kind of nauseating, actually, in retrospect,” he made a bit of a face. Jinki blinked. Jonghyun continued. “But he stopped all of a sudden and he’s been getting really touchy and upset for no reason, more so than usual.”
“Oh,” Jinki said, not sure what to make of this. “Um.”
“And I’m pretty sure it has to do with you. So why haven’t you guys been hanging out?” Jonghyun asked him again. “Look, I’m not here to yell at you or anything. I just want my best friend to stop sulking.”
“I…I told you, I thought he didn’t like me. We…enjoyed each other’s company but after the project ended, he stopped picking up my phone calls and he didn’t answer when I went over to his place over break. So I thought he probably just wanted to-I don’t know, with me, and that was it.” Jinki found his face heating up at the prospect, and his heart throbbing as he relived the memories.
“Huh?” Jonghyun gave Jinki a look. “He was overseas during break,” Jonghyun told him. “His aunt got married, so he flew out to the wedding with his mother.”
Jinki felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. “Wait-what?” He said, looking at Jonghyun incredulously. “But-he was ignoring my calls the whole time…”
“Why would he get any reception in America?”
Jonghyun looked at him sternly, and Jinki felt his knees tremble.
“But I thought-but I thought he just wanted-I thought he just hung out with me because he likes hooking up-and I thought you two were, um, beneficial friends or whatever…” Words tumbled out of Jinki’s mouth and it was almost cathartic, but after he was done he was only left with the empty space inside his heart where Kibum should have been. “I thought all the rumors were right…” He trailed off and looked hopelessly at Jonghyun.
“Are you serious? You really believe all that stuff about him?” Jonghyun looked at him, distaste in his expression. “You’re just as bad as all the people he does hook up with!”
And Jinki wanted to cry or scream or punch something, because he knew that it was true.
---
But even then, Jinki was a coward.
He knew he had to talk to Kibum, to ask him for the truth, to tell him how he felt, but somehow he just couldn’t gather up the mettle or desire to do so. He watched Kibum in World History but after class ended he still rushed out of class before anything could be said. He would wait for Kibum after school, but the minute he saw him walk out of the building, Jinki would turn around and convince himself that he really needed to get going, after all.
And it was eating away at him, because if what Jonghyun said was right, then why were they doing all this? Why weren’t they in each other’s arms again, like they had been before? And why couldn’t Jinki completely erase those doubts about him that he had from his mind?
Maybe Kibum would hate him for behaving the way he did, and ignoring him, but Jinki hated Kibum too, for never really telling him how he felt and for never coming clean about all the rumors. But if Jinki didn’t hurry up and say something, he knew that this would be lost forever.
It was only when Jinki saw Kibum in the arms of another man that he decided that something had to be said, and fast. He had been walking to his last class when he encountered Kibum pressed up against the lockers by another boy. Their lips were locked and Kibum’s hand was entwined in the other’s hair and Jinki felt his heart beating so fast he could barely contain himself, and Jinki wasn’t often a jealous person but now he suddenly felt just that. Kibum’s head turned to the side toward where Jinki was when the other boy’s mouth fell on his neck, and their eyes met. Jinki turned on his heel and left, missing the way that Kibum pushed the boy off in distaste just then.
What was going on? Jinki’s head was imploding with possibilities and questions and it was only the next day that he finally decided to get Kibum alone. He waited outside of their World History class, figuring they might as well skip together; he knew Kibum didn’t have a problem with that kind of thing. While he was waiting, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Jinki whirled around.
“Hey.”
It was Kibum. Jinki’s breath caught in his throat because despite everything, Kibum was still just as beautiful as he ever was.
“I need to talk to you,” Kibum said, right when Jinki opened his mouth. Jinki looked at the other boy and nodded.
They were silent as they made their way outside. It was wintertime, but the sun was out and warmed them. The patches of snow on the ground was bright and sparkling and Jinki thought it was lovely in same cold-yet-warm way that Kibum always had been. He felt his heart aching as he sneaked a glance at the other.
“Jinki, what’s been going on?” Kibum asked him, stopping by a tree next to the athletic field. Jinki looked at him with a mix of emotions and he didn’t even know where to begin. But it seemed Kibum wasn’t going to let him answer. “We worked on that project together and we got to know each other really well. But the minute we had sex, you stopped talking to me!” And Jinki looked at him, taken aback at the glare blossoming on to Kibum’s face. “I mean, if you just wanted a fuck, you could have said so. There was no reason to lead me on!”
Jinki looked at Kibum and he was gaping. Kibum’s cheeks were somewhat pink and Jinki realized at that moment that he had been selfish. He hadn’t thought about what Kibum had been feeling this entire time, had he? He had only been concerned with his own insecurities and his own heartbreak…
“Well, do you have anything to say?” Kibum said, his voice somewhat quieter now. “And when I got back from break-I was overseas, by the way-I tried to talk to you but you kept ignoring me. I mean, if you wanted to break it off, or stop seeing me or whatever, you could have just told me so. What did you think I was going to do, cry?” He spat, and Jinki could see the way Kibum’s eyes glistened wetly.
“I-I…” Jinki faltered because what was the right answer now?
“Forget this,” Kibum said all of a sudden, and Jinki could hear the hurt in his voice. Kibum brushed past him in effort to leave, but Jinki grabbed his arm. Now that they were here, he might as well get answers once and for all. Kibum turned around and Jinki looked at him with honesty in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki breathed. “I-I’m sorry. I just,” he said. “I just.”
“Was it because you heard I’m easy?” Kibum’s words sliced through the air and Jinki looked at him, falling silent immediately. A moment later, he spoke.
“Well, are you?”
Kibum blinked, and turned back around to face Jinki once more. Jinki was unsmiling and that alone seemed to unnerve Kibum a little. Neither of them said anything for a long while.
“Yeah,” Kibum said, at last. “I am.”
“You didn’t tell me you were going to be gone for break,” Jinki said, quietly but still sternly. “I tried to contact you, but I couldn’t message you via phone. I went to your apartment and you weren’t there either,” he told him.
“So why did you stop talking to me after I got back?” Kibum demanded, and Jinki looked at him honestly.
“I thought you just wanted sex from me,” he confessed, and he saw Kibum’s eyes widen with shock. Jinki knew there was no point trying to hide it anymore. “I had heard…about you. Not at first, but I mean, after we started to hang out, I heard about your reputation. About how you…do that sort of thing a lot. And it hurt me to hear it, but I thought maybe it wasn’t true. But then-that time at your house, we…” Jinki trailed off and broke eye contact with Kibum, who was trembling slightly. “And after that when I tried to contact you, I didn’t get a response, so I thought that, maybe to you, I was the same as those other men.”
Kibum didn’t say anything at all for a while.
“How dare you,” Kibum spat. “How dare you assume like that.”
“But Kibum-can you blame me?” Jinki turned his gaze away from Kibum, and his voice suddenly got a little louder as he spoke. “I-I didn’t know anything at first. I just… I just knew you, and you have no idea how much it hurt me to hear my friends say those things about you, Kibum.” Jinki looked at Kibum sincerely, and in that instant he thought he could hear his heart cracking just a little. “And you-you never even talked to me about it. About all those other men and all those nasty rumors. You were never honest with me about those things. What was I supposed to believe, anyway? You-I’m not the only one at fault here!”
Kibum frowned, and Jinki took a deep breath. “Are the rumors true, Kibum?” Jinki asked him, and a part of him still wanted that closure. It didn’t matter now, but he just wanted Kibum to tell him the truth, and the irrational side of him wanted to hear that no they aren’t true at all. Jinki held his breath. “Just tell me now. Are the rumors true?”
Kibum was silent for a little while and Jinki watched the way his thoughts dashed across his clear brown eyes. “Most of them are,” he said at length, and Jinki leaned back against the tree, his palms pressing up against the hardened bark behind him. Suddenly, he wasn’t angry at all-or sad, or happy, or anything; he was just so incredibly neutral somehow.
“I got around a lot,” Kibum continued, and Jinki didn’t look at him as he spoke. “I’ve slept with a ton of guys. And girls. I haven’t had any relationships last longer than two weeks. I like no-strings-attached sex because it’s simple and easy to control. There aren’t any feelings or anything to mess around with.”
Jinki’s eyes were on the bright snow in front of him. He didn’t say a word.
“Jinki, look here.”
Jinki didn’t look.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Kibum’s voice was softer than he remembered, and Jinki could hear the way his voice cracked just a little at the end. A second later, Kibum had moved toward him and Jinki only looked at him when Kibum put either of his two hands against the tree behind Jinki, cornering him.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jinki asked quietly.
“Is that what you wanted to hear?” Kibum asked, and Jinki’s face remained unsmiling. Kibum sighed. “See? How was I supposed to tell you something like that?” Kibum spat, letting his arms hang at his sides again, though he didn’t move away from him. “That I like to sleep around? How well would that have gone over?” He said dryly, caustically.
“Did you think I wouldn’t want to-I don’t know, hang out with you anymore, or anything? Because I don’t care about-”
“Are you stupid?” Kibum’s voice got louder than Jinki remembered and their eyes met. “I don’t want to just hang out, Jinki. I’ve hung out with more than enough guys. I thought…” He trailed off and Jinki’s heart was racing to a thousand places at once. Kibum took in a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jinki. I don’t know what it is you do to me, but you’ve been making me feel awfully monogamous lately,” Kibum told him a wry expression on his face. “And lately all I can think about is wanting to be with you and holding your hand and kissing your stupid face, and it’s really not like me to do that at all. So I came to the conclusion that, maybe, I thought I’d like it if you were…my boyfriend, or something like that.”
Kibum’s voice held the embarrassment his face didn’t show, and Jinki didn’t know what to think. But a minute later, he felt that maybe over-thinking things was what got him into this mess to begin with. He looked at Kibum and his eyes softened, because regardless of it all, Jinki’s heart longed for Kibum-regardless of his regrets and mistakes and imperfections. And maybe Kibum wasn’t good for him after all, but Jinki was done trying to fight against him. Kibum was absolutely magnetic, after all, Jinki reminisced; there was something about him that would have Jinki follow him to the ends of the earth.
“Kibum,” Jinki breathed, and a second later he grabbed the other and pulled him flush against his chest, and Jinki thought he was a fool, and maybe they were both fools because this was something that should have happened so long ago. “I had ignored you after that night because I was embarrassed to tell you the same thing,” Jinki said, and Kibum slowly pulled back.
“What? Why would you be embarrassed? Idiot,” Kibum said, but there was a lovely, delicate smile on his face and Jinki looked at him and he felt like he really was the biggest idiot in the world.
“I’m sorry,” Kibum said at last. “About not being honest with you. About all that.”
Jinki blushed and nodded. “I’m sorry too,” he said. “And if you still want to be my boyfriend, I’m still available.” He grinned all the wider and Kibum smiled exasperatedly. A second later Kibum pressed his lips against Jinki’s and they kissed and kissed until their lips were as flushed as their cheeks.
And Jinki didn’t know what the future held for him and Kibum; they were two very different people who led very different lives. Not to mention, Jinki was graduating this year and heading to college not soon after. He didn’t know if Kibum was his to have forever, or if he even wanted that-all he knew was that for right now, he could hold Kibum’s pretty hand in his own and whisper silly things into his ear and that even if Kibum rolled his eyes and called him stupid, he would still smile at him with all the innocence and naïveté of a first love.
The future was an amorphous thing, but the present was something that he could touch and smell and taste and hold in his white palm. Kibum’s gaze was lovely and piercing and maybe they really were mismatched, but Jinki couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“Should we head back?” Kibum asked him lazily, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek. Jinki felt giddy.
“I guess so,” he said, and his cheeks hurt from the smile he couldn’t wipe off his face.
Kibum got up and stretched, and Jinki watched the way his slim frame was highlighted by the sun. Kibum looked down at him and offered him his hand, smiling that delicate, untelling smile. Jinki paused for just a second before reaching up to take it.
---
Cross-posted to shinee_replay and onkey .
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~4,300
Pairing: Onew x Key
Genre: Drama, romance
Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sex
Summary: High School AU. Jinki and Kibum were the last two people the world expected to see together.
Notes: This was long overdue, but here it is. Please enjoy, and sorry for the wait! Read part one here, and part two here.
---
Sunbeams on Snow
Part 3
---
Jinki had noticed that life had a tendency to lose its color without Kibum around. He didn’t realize it up until Kibum was finally gone, either. His life had returned to that dull, impatient monotony of get up, go to school, come back, study, sleep and he was caught in that vicious cycle day after day after day. Kibum’s pink smile was no longer there to brighten up his afternoons, and his vivid cheekbones were missing on Jinki’s long walk home after school. And Jinki knew that it wasn’t worth it to have his heart set on someone who didn’t even love him back, but was it his fault that when he slept, he dreamt of Kibum’s insouciant eyes and rosebud lips?
“Hyung, you haven’t been yourself lately,” Minho would gently prod.
“Why would you say that?” Jinki would smile widely, defiantly, and take an extra-large bite out of his sandwich during lunchtime. “I’m feeling just fine.”
Minho’s eyes would be questioning but he would only look down at his packed lunch, counting on Taemin to swiftly change the subject, and Jinki would know that he really wasn’t fooling anyone.
It had been about a week since classes started up again but Kibum was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t at the table with the popular kids during lunch, nor was he there in World History. Maybe he transferred schools without telling anyone. Maybe he was skipping class. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see Jinki at all, and it was that thought that made his heart clench tightly just a little.
Jinki thought he finally understood what had happened between them now. Kibum didn’t find him to be anyone special. Maybe they had shared some good times together, but in the end, it wasn’t about that, was it? Because right after they had finally had sex, all the communications between them stopped, and Jinki hated to admit it but he knew that maybe those rumors he hated were all true. Kibum had gotten under his skin, brought him to his apartment when his mother wasn’t home, and the two had done the deed. Though while Jinki had felt it to be something more romantic and genuine than pure lust, it was obvious now that Kibum hadn’t felt the same way.
And Jinki wanted to purge Kibum out of his system so badly, he really did. He’d gone home and grabbed a teddy bear they’d won at the amusement park together, and he’d grip it between his two sweaty hands, wanting to put it away, throw it away, get rid of it for good but in the end he’d just put it back on the shelf it had been on, and collapse back against his bed.
His grades were slipping. Not by much, but by enough. Jinki knew there was something wrong with him when he’d stop studying and go for a walk outside, his feet automatically taking him to Kibum’s apartment. But Jinki would only look, turn around and head to a nearby coffee shop instead.
It was pretty pathetic, really, Jinki would think while he sipped on his black coffee. It was pathetic how even despite all the heartbreak and hate and betrayal, he still loved Kibum with all the sincerity in the world.
---
When Kibum came back to school, it was a Tuesday. Jinki overheard some people talking about it in the hallways and his heart stopped beating for a minute. The very idea of seeing Kibum again made him dizzy, but with the kind of nausea that he knew went hand-in-hand with heartbreak. A thousand emotions flooded through him and he didn’t know which to feel first, and he only came back to his senses when someone bumped into him in the middle of the hallway. Jinki started a bit and looked at the clock; it was time for World History.
He felt himself shaking a little bit and maybe he was being sensitive again. The class bell rang and Jinki turned on his heel and walked out of the school building.
“Hyung, you skipped class?” Taemin later asked, looking at him with a surprised expression as they walked out of the building together after school. “You never skip class!”
Jinki laughed a little, though he didn’t quite mean it. “Yeah. It was kind of fun,” he said.
“What did you do?” Taemin grinned. “Did you go to an arcade? Or a café, or something?”
“Um, no,” Jinki said sheepishly. “I…did homework in the lunchroom.”
Taemin deadpanned.
“Anyway, Taemin-ah, I’ve got to get going. I told my mother I’d help her with rearranging the furniture in the living room.”
“Hyung, I think someone’s waving at us,” Taemin squinted, looking at something behind Jinki. “Oh, is that-is that Kim Kibum?”
Jinki froze for half of a second. He maybe-heard Kibum’s voice somewhere in the distance but at that moment something triggered in his brain that made him want to run away and never see his face again, because if he was sure that if he did, he’d fall under the spell of those lovely eyes once more. And Jinki knew-he just knew-that nothing good could come out of this because Kibum wasn’t good for him and he needed to stop this nonsense and go fall for someone who would treat him right.
“See you tomorrow, Taemin,” Jinki said quickly, before brushing past the younger boy and walking back home briskly. His heart didn’t stop thumping until he finally stepped into his own room.
The next day, he went to World History, if only because he was too good of a student to skip periodically. He came in late on purpose he looked everywhere but at Kibum, who was sitting near the back, as per usual. He sat down in his seat and tried to ignore the burning desire to look back, and when it was time for class to get out, Jinki threw his things into his bag and ran out before he could hear Kibum call out his name.
Jinki knew that avoiding the problem at hand probably wasn’t the best way to go about things, but for the next few days, that was exactly what he did.
“Hey! Jinki, wait!”
He heard Kibum’s voice and he felt someone grab his sleeve as he tried to escape from the lunchroom before anyone could notice him. Jinki didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want to because if he did, he was sure he might just fall in love all over again, and that would be really embarrassing, wouldn’t it? Especially because Kibum probably wanted someone who was more handsome, and taller, more confident and charming. Definitely-obviously not someone like Jinki.
“Hey, I have to-go,” Jinki said breathlessly, pulling his arm away. “See you,” he said.
“No, wait-what’s going on with you?” Kibum’s voice was rough and demanding and Jinki hadn’t heard it in so long, and he missed it and hated it all at the same time. “Why have you been ignoring me?”
“Sorry, I really have to go,” Jinki insisted and the almost-angry edge to his voice probably made Kibum let him go at last.
---
Kibum left him alone after that. He didn’t receive texts from him anymore, nor did he see Kibum trying to look for him in the hallways and after school. It was like everything had reset itself; it was like they had never met. It was like they had never held hands together in the park in the afternoon, or kissed under the moonlight in front of Kibum’s apartment, or made love to one another in his bed. And Jinki was trying his hardest not to be miserable, he really was. He’d tried to keep his chin up and smile but he knew that in the end it was all a lie.
And he knew that Kibum hadn’t been the same either, because he’d skip World History a lot and when he did show up he was always so glum-not that Jinki had been looking, right? He almost felt bad and there were times when he’d wanted to ask Kibum what was going on between them, but somehow he could never pluck up the courage to look him in the eye anymore.
“Hey. Over here.”
Jinki jumped a little bit as someone tapped him from behind on his way to eat lunch. He turned around and was surprised to see Kim Jonghyun, Kibum’s best friend. Jinki blinked. They had never talked before, so what was all this about? He suddenly felt nervous.
“Oh, hi. Um, Kim Jonghyun, right?” Jinki greeted him, but Jonghyun only looked kind of nonchalant as he nodded. Jinki was intimidated.
“Come with me,” Jonghyun instructed, and Jinki hesitated. “I just want to talk,” Jonghyun insisted, and Jinki finally followed.
Jonghyun took them to a fairly empty hallway-everyone was out eating lunch, after all-and leaned up against a locker bay, crossing his arms a little bit. Jinki noticed the way his biceps pushed against the material of his shirt, and how masculine and defined his jaw line really was, close up. No wonder every woman in the school was always swooning over him.
“So um,” Jinki started, fidgeting. “We’ve never talked before,” he stated.
“This is about Kibum,” Jonghyun told him, and Jinki suddenly froze up. He felt his heart harden.
“I… I don’t think I have anything to say about Kibum,” he replied, and although his voice was soft, there was an absoluteness in his voice.
“Why have you been ignoring him?” Jonghyun demanded, disregarding his words.
“What?” Jinki said, dumbfounded. “He ignored me first,” he stated calmly, not wanting this to escalate. “I assumed he’d lost interest in me. Um, why are you talking to me about this?”
“Because he’s my best friend and he hasn’t been himself lately.” Jonghyun looked at him reproachfully. “He always used to talk about you and gush to me about your little dates and stuff. It was kind of nauseating, actually, in retrospect,” he made a bit of a face. Jinki blinked. Jonghyun continued. “But he stopped all of a sudden and he’s been getting really touchy and upset for no reason, more so than usual.”
“Oh,” Jinki said, not sure what to make of this. “Um.”
“And I’m pretty sure it has to do with you. So why haven’t you guys been hanging out?” Jonghyun asked him again. “Look, I’m not here to yell at you or anything. I just want my best friend to stop sulking.”
“I…I told you, I thought he didn’t like me. We…enjoyed each other’s company but after the project ended, he stopped picking up my phone calls and he didn’t answer when I went over to his place over break. So I thought he probably just wanted to-I don’t know, with me, and that was it.” Jinki found his face heating up at the prospect, and his heart throbbing as he relived the memories.
“Huh?” Jonghyun gave Jinki a look. “He was overseas during break,” Jonghyun told him. “His aunt got married, so he flew out to the wedding with his mother.”
Jinki felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. “Wait-what?” He said, looking at Jonghyun incredulously. “But-he was ignoring my calls the whole time…”
“Why would he get any reception in America?”
Jonghyun looked at him sternly, and Jinki felt his knees tremble.
“But I thought-but I thought he just wanted-I thought he just hung out with me because he likes hooking up-and I thought you two were, um, beneficial friends or whatever…” Words tumbled out of Jinki’s mouth and it was almost cathartic, but after he was done he was only left with the empty space inside his heart where Kibum should have been. “I thought all the rumors were right…” He trailed off and looked hopelessly at Jonghyun.
“Are you serious? You really believe all that stuff about him?” Jonghyun looked at him, distaste in his expression. “You’re just as bad as all the people he does hook up with!”
And Jinki wanted to cry or scream or punch something, because he knew that it was true.
---
But even then, Jinki was a coward.
He knew he had to talk to Kibum, to ask him for the truth, to tell him how he felt, but somehow he just couldn’t gather up the mettle or desire to do so. He watched Kibum in World History but after class ended he still rushed out of class before anything could be said. He would wait for Kibum after school, but the minute he saw him walk out of the building, Jinki would turn around and convince himself that he really needed to get going, after all.
And it was eating away at him, because if what Jonghyun said was right, then why were they doing all this? Why weren’t they in each other’s arms again, like they had been before? And why couldn’t Jinki completely erase those doubts about him that he had from his mind?
Maybe Kibum would hate him for behaving the way he did, and ignoring him, but Jinki hated Kibum too, for never really telling him how he felt and for never coming clean about all the rumors. But if Jinki didn’t hurry up and say something, he knew that this would be lost forever.
It was only when Jinki saw Kibum in the arms of another man that he decided that something had to be said, and fast. He had been walking to his last class when he encountered Kibum pressed up against the lockers by another boy. Their lips were locked and Kibum’s hand was entwined in the other’s hair and Jinki felt his heart beating so fast he could barely contain himself, and Jinki wasn’t often a jealous person but now he suddenly felt just that. Kibum’s head turned to the side toward where Jinki was when the other boy’s mouth fell on his neck, and their eyes met. Jinki turned on his heel and left, missing the way that Kibum pushed the boy off in distaste just then.
What was going on? Jinki’s head was imploding with possibilities and questions and it was only the next day that he finally decided to get Kibum alone. He waited outside of their World History class, figuring they might as well skip together; he knew Kibum didn’t have a problem with that kind of thing. While he was waiting, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Jinki whirled around.
“Hey.”
It was Kibum. Jinki’s breath caught in his throat because despite everything, Kibum was still just as beautiful as he ever was.
“I need to talk to you,” Kibum said, right when Jinki opened his mouth. Jinki looked at the other boy and nodded.
They were silent as they made their way outside. It was wintertime, but the sun was out and warmed them. The patches of snow on the ground was bright and sparkling and Jinki thought it was lovely in same cold-yet-warm way that Kibum always had been. He felt his heart aching as he sneaked a glance at the other.
“Jinki, what’s been going on?” Kibum asked him, stopping by a tree next to the athletic field. Jinki looked at him with a mix of emotions and he didn’t even know where to begin. But it seemed Kibum wasn’t going to let him answer. “We worked on that project together and we got to know each other really well. But the minute we had sex, you stopped talking to me!” And Jinki looked at him, taken aback at the glare blossoming on to Kibum’s face. “I mean, if you just wanted a fuck, you could have said so. There was no reason to lead me on!”
Jinki looked at Kibum and he was gaping. Kibum’s cheeks were somewhat pink and Jinki realized at that moment that he had been selfish. He hadn’t thought about what Kibum had been feeling this entire time, had he? He had only been concerned with his own insecurities and his own heartbreak…
“Well, do you have anything to say?” Kibum said, his voice somewhat quieter now. “And when I got back from break-I was overseas, by the way-I tried to talk to you but you kept ignoring me. I mean, if you wanted to break it off, or stop seeing me or whatever, you could have just told me so. What did you think I was going to do, cry?” He spat, and Jinki could see the way Kibum’s eyes glistened wetly.
“I-I…” Jinki faltered because what was the right answer now?
“Forget this,” Kibum said all of a sudden, and Jinki could hear the hurt in his voice. Kibum brushed past him in effort to leave, but Jinki grabbed his arm. Now that they were here, he might as well get answers once and for all. Kibum turned around and Jinki looked at him with honesty in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki breathed. “I-I’m sorry. I just,” he said. “I just.”
“Was it because you heard I’m easy?” Kibum’s words sliced through the air and Jinki looked at him, falling silent immediately. A moment later, he spoke.
“Well, are you?”
Kibum blinked, and turned back around to face Jinki once more. Jinki was unsmiling and that alone seemed to unnerve Kibum a little. Neither of them said anything for a long while.
“Yeah,” Kibum said, at last. “I am.”
“You didn’t tell me you were going to be gone for break,” Jinki said, quietly but still sternly. “I tried to contact you, but I couldn’t message you via phone. I went to your apartment and you weren’t there either,” he told him.
“So why did you stop talking to me after I got back?” Kibum demanded, and Jinki looked at him honestly.
“I thought you just wanted sex from me,” he confessed, and he saw Kibum’s eyes widen with shock. Jinki knew there was no point trying to hide it anymore. “I had heard…about you. Not at first, but I mean, after we started to hang out, I heard about your reputation. About how you…do that sort of thing a lot. And it hurt me to hear it, but I thought maybe it wasn’t true. But then-that time at your house, we…” Jinki trailed off and broke eye contact with Kibum, who was trembling slightly. “And after that when I tried to contact you, I didn’t get a response, so I thought that, maybe to you, I was the same as those other men.”
Kibum didn’t say anything at all for a while.
“How dare you,” Kibum spat. “How dare you assume like that.”
“But Kibum-can you blame me?” Jinki turned his gaze away from Kibum, and his voice suddenly got a little louder as he spoke. “I-I didn’t know anything at first. I just… I just knew you, and you have no idea how much it hurt me to hear my friends say those things about you, Kibum.” Jinki looked at Kibum sincerely, and in that instant he thought he could hear his heart cracking just a little. “And you-you never even talked to me about it. About all those other men and all those nasty rumors. You were never honest with me about those things. What was I supposed to believe, anyway? You-I’m not the only one at fault here!”
Kibum frowned, and Jinki took a deep breath. “Are the rumors true, Kibum?” Jinki asked him, and a part of him still wanted that closure. It didn’t matter now, but he just wanted Kibum to tell him the truth, and the irrational side of him wanted to hear that no they aren’t true at all. Jinki held his breath. “Just tell me now. Are the rumors true?”
Kibum was silent for a little while and Jinki watched the way his thoughts dashed across his clear brown eyes. “Most of them are,” he said at length, and Jinki leaned back against the tree, his palms pressing up against the hardened bark behind him. Suddenly, he wasn’t angry at all-or sad, or happy, or anything; he was just so incredibly neutral somehow.
“I got around a lot,” Kibum continued, and Jinki didn’t look at him as he spoke. “I’ve slept with a ton of guys. And girls. I haven’t had any relationships last longer than two weeks. I like no-strings-attached sex because it’s simple and easy to control. There aren’t any feelings or anything to mess around with.”
Jinki’s eyes were on the bright snow in front of him. He didn’t say a word.
“Jinki, look here.”
Jinki didn’t look.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Kibum’s voice was softer than he remembered, and Jinki could hear the way his voice cracked just a little at the end. A second later, Kibum had moved toward him and Jinki only looked at him when Kibum put either of his two hands against the tree behind Jinki, cornering him.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jinki asked quietly.
“Is that what you wanted to hear?” Kibum asked, and Jinki’s face remained unsmiling. Kibum sighed. “See? How was I supposed to tell you something like that?” Kibum spat, letting his arms hang at his sides again, though he didn’t move away from him. “That I like to sleep around? How well would that have gone over?” He said dryly, caustically.
“Did you think I wouldn’t want to-I don’t know, hang out with you anymore, or anything? Because I don’t care about-”
“Are you stupid?” Kibum’s voice got louder than Jinki remembered and their eyes met. “I don’t want to just hang out, Jinki. I’ve hung out with more than enough guys. I thought…” He trailed off and Jinki’s heart was racing to a thousand places at once. Kibum took in a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jinki. I don’t know what it is you do to me, but you’ve been making me feel awfully monogamous lately,” Kibum told him a wry expression on his face. “And lately all I can think about is wanting to be with you and holding your hand and kissing your stupid face, and it’s really not like me to do that at all. So I came to the conclusion that, maybe, I thought I’d like it if you were…my boyfriend, or something like that.”
Kibum’s voice held the embarrassment his face didn’t show, and Jinki didn’t know what to think. But a minute later, he felt that maybe over-thinking things was what got him into this mess to begin with. He looked at Kibum and his eyes softened, because regardless of it all, Jinki’s heart longed for Kibum-regardless of his regrets and mistakes and imperfections. And maybe Kibum wasn’t good for him after all, but Jinki was done trying to fight against him. Kibum was absolutely magnetic, after all, Jinki reminisced; there was something about him that would have Jinki follow him to the ends of the earth.
“Kibum,” Jinki breathed, and a second later he grabbed the other and pulled him flush against his chest, and Jinki thought he was a fool, and maybe they were both fools because this was something that should have happened so long ago. “I had ignored you after that night because I was embarrassed to tell you the same thing,” Jinki said, and Kibum slowly pulled back.
“What? Why would you be embarrassed? Idiot,” Kibum said, but there was a lovely, delicate smile on his face and Jinki looked at him and he felt like he really was the biggest idiot in the world.
“I’m sorry,” Kibum said at last. “About not being honest with you. About all that.”
Jinki blushed and nodded. “I’m sorry too,” he said. “And if you still want to be my boyfriend, I’m still available.” He grinned all the wider and Kibum smiled exasperatedly. A second later Kibum pressed his lips against Jinki’s and they kissed and kissed until their lips were as flushed as their cheeks.
And Jinki didn’t know what the future held for him and Kibum; they were two very different people who led very different lives. Not to mention, Jinki was graduating this year and heading to college not soon after. He didn’t know if Kibum was his to have forever, or if he even wanted that-all he knew was that for right now, he could hold Kibum’s pretty hand in his own and whisper silly things into his ear and that even if Kibum rolled his eyes and called him stupid, he would still smile at him with all the innocence and naïveté of a first love.
The future was an amorphous thing, but the present was something that he could touch and smell and taste and hold in his white palm. Kibum’s gaze was lovely and piercing and maybe they really were mismatched, but Jinki couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“Should we head back?” Kibum asked him lazily, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek. Jinki felt giddy.
“I guess so,” he said, and his cheeks hurt from the smile he couldn’t wipe off his face.
Kibum got up and stretched, and Jinki watched the way his slim frame was highlighted by the sun. Kibum looked down at him and offered him his hand, smiling that delicate, untelling smile. Jinki paused for just a second before reaching up to take it.
---
Cross-posted to shinee_replay and onkey .