Don’t Break Me Down, Brick Me Up, Fence Me In Pt. 4
Title: Don’t Break Me Down, Brick Me Up, Fence Me In
Author:
agape_eternal
Pairing: Ryan Lochte/Michael Phelps
Rating: R
Warnings: language
Summary: People just don’t understand Ryan and the way his mind works…and he’s locked in a Psych Ward because of it, though, according to him, he’s completely sane. But along comes Michael and he gets Ryan and that’s all that matters.
Author Notes: Unfortunately I don’t own the boys. This is completely AU which is abnormal for me. Style borrowed from three books I love: Skin Game, Cut, and Suicide Notes just in case you noticed. No copyright infringement intended. The descriptions of people and/or disorders is not meant to be derogatory or offensive, trust me. Also, this one is kinda personal for me, so if you’re gonna tear it apart, don’t do it in the comments ok? Thanks.
Feed Back: is ♥
Day 35 is big for me. It’s the first time I get off with Michael.
Today is a snow day. All the doctors are snowed out and the nightshift is snowed in. They let us do whatever we want, so Michael and I just stay in our room.
We’re cuddled together on my bed when we start kissing and making out. We haven’t changed out of our PJ’s, and really, since they crank the heat up so high, we both just have on t-shirts and boxers.
So we’re laying there kissing when I feel his hand slide under my shirt and rest on my stomach. Since it’s Ruby and the night staff, I know they won’t bother with checks so I sit up and toss my shirt off. He smiles and I pull his shirt off too, throwing it on the floor. Then I climb under the covers because, just in case, we can make it look like we’re cold or something.
Anyway, we go back to kissing and he puts his hand on my stomach again. He’s got a thing about that, not that I’m really complaining though. But that’s when things change. He slides his hand into my boxers. At first I’m kinda shocked. He keeps making all the first moves even though he doesn’t seem like the type to do it. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is his hand is inside my boxers and then he starts rubbing me and I have to kiss him to hide the sound I make.
He’s got his hand down my boxers and we’re kissing. That’s, like, big shit to me okay? Shut up. And somehow, through all that, my hand finds itself into his boxers and I start stroking him. We both moan into the kiss at the same time and he shifts closer to me.
We’re teenagers and we’re over excited; it doesn’t take long before we’re both coming. He’s got his face pressed into my neck and I’m up against his shoulder. He still manages to have one arm around me, holding me to him. I like that. It doesn’t feel like we’re just doing it, it feels good. I smile into his shoulder and bite him playfully. He laughs and slips his hand out of my boxers. He doesn’t move though, just holds me tight.
Day 36 my parents show up again.
I was kinda hoping it would be another snow day, but of course, because I’m hoping for it, it doesn’t happen.
Anyway, Why Man reminds them it isn’t long before I’m home and my mom gets really happy.
“Everyone really misses you,” she tells me. “Kristen and Megan are really excited and Devon…well you know Devon just can’t wait. Brandon thinks you’re sick so he’s a little weary of you coming home. He thinks you have cooties.”
I laugh. “Good ‘ol Brandon.”
My mom smiles. “I haven’t heard that laugh in a long time, baby, I’m glad to hear it.”
I smile.
My dad just grunts, looking over at me. “You’re getting in the pool first thing when we get home. He can…you know…his arms aren’t messed up are they?”
Why Man shakes his head. “His arms are perfectly fine.”
“Good. Your ass is back in the pool the day you get home. Understand?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. You’ve been dry too long.”
I nod.
My dad watches me intensely for a minute, then looks away. He’s still mad.
I look at my mom and she smiles.
“Michael’s a swimmer too,” I tell her and she blinks. I forget I haven’t told them.
“Who’s Michael?”
Why Man looks at me from the corner of his eye and I bite my lip.
“He’s another boy here. He’s from Baltimore and he’s 15…we’re roommates. He’s a really good swimmer too, we’ve looked at split times and everything. And I was thinking…” Then I stop because I realize I’m stepping in too deep here. They don’t know I’m gay and I shouldn’t be seeing Michael, so I shut up.
“That’s nice honey, I’m glad you’ve made a friend,” she smiles, but my dad narrows his eyes at me.
“You were thinking what?”
“Well…” I bite my lip. “You know how grandma and grandpa are always offering to send me someplace cool for the summer?”
“Yes…” He only says ‘yes’ when he’s in a bad mood or he thinks I’m up to something.
“Well…I was thinking that I could go to Baltimore this summer…to visit him…we wanna keep in touch.”
“That’s e-mail’s are for.”
“Well-“
“You can’t just invite yourself to someone else’s house.”
My mom looks at him. “Steve…” Then she turns to me. “I think that’s a great idea honey, we’ll talk about it this summer okay?”
“Okay,” I nod and smile.
Then Why Man starts talking again and it’s jet plane time.
When they’re gone, Why Man looks to me.
“Do you like swimming?”
“Yeah, I love it.”
“Your dad’s hard about it.” It’s not a question.
“Yeah he is. He used to swim.”
“Did he make you swim?”
“No, not really. He got us into it when we were young, but I actually liked the water, so even though it’s a competition thing, I still really love doing it.”
“Us?”
“Yeah. My older sisters, Kristen and Megan, they swim too and so does my brother Devon. We’re like a swimming family. My mom coaches too. But she doesn’t lay the pressure on as thick as my dad.”
He nods. “That’s good. Does he pressure you hard to win?”
“Yeah. I mean, we know that no matter how we do, he’s still gonna love us, but he likes it when we win. He’s a sports dad, of course he wants his kids to win.”
“He coaches you, correct?”
“Yeah, he does…”
He nods again. “We’re out of time for day.”
I nod this time and go back to my room.
When I get there, I flop down on the bed with Michael, on my stomach, and turn to face him.
“Parents?” he asks and I nod.
“Yeah. My dad’s bitchin’ because I’ve been out of the pool so long.”
“Yeah, my mom brought my coach today and he was like ‘as soon as you’re out of here, you’re back in the pool’.”
“My dad said the same thing.”
“Yeah, coaches are just like that.”
“How come she brought your coach? Where’s your dad?”
Michael blinks. “Oh uh…my parents are divorced.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“Does he know? That you’re here?”
“I dunno, she never said. He probably does, just doesn’t care.”
I shift up and kiss him softly. “I care.”
He smiles and kisses me back. “I know.”
“I love you,” I murmur against his lips.
“I love you too.”
Day 40 is HUGE. It’s the first time me and Michael have sex…
I’m not about to tell you every little detail of what happened because really…no.
But it’s been a snow day and we’re told the next day will be too which means the night staff has to stay again. So they devise a plan.
There’s rooms in a different part of the cottage for staff. There’s one door that leads from the dorms to the rest of the cottage and they decide to lock it. There’s fire doors at either end of the hall that unlock in the case of a fire so we don’t have to worry about that. They tell us that they’ll be down to check on us at ten the next morning.
So Michael and I decide to spend the night in my bed. We cuddle up to each other and Michael’s really hot. No, like literally, he’s like a furnace, so I kick off everything but my boxers and so does he. We just lay there for a while, facing each other, and Michael’s hand is tracing circles on my thigh. I lean up and start kissing him and at first, everything goes like it’s been going. We’re just making out.
Then, and I don’t know WHY I do it, but I roll onto my back and pull Michael on top of me. At first I think he’ll be really heavy, but it feels good. He shifts a little so he’s right between my thighs and we go back to making out. I slide my hands up his back, his hands are on my hips, and we’re kissing…like REALLY kissing. He’s sucking on my tongue and I slide my hands into the back of his boxers, pulling him closer.
I’m not sure where this is coming from. Maybe, in the back of our minds, we just know what to do. I heard in Psych 101 there’s something like the “primitive brain” or whatever and all it knows is it wants to live, eat, and have sex. Maybe I’m operating off that, I dunno, but I do know that I start pushing his boxers down and Michael pulls away slightly. At first I think he thinks we’re going too fast but he’s just pulling his boxers the rest of the way off, then tugging on mine. I lift my hips to help him get them off. Then he settles between my legs again and I have to tell you, making out naked is a lot better than with clothes on. Every time we move we’re rubbing against each other and moaning into our kisses and…yeah, it’s good.
I shift lower on the bed and the way I’m positioned, he rubs against me perfectly and I moan softly. It’s kinda weird to know what you want together. It’s like he’s reading my mind again because he shifts and reaches over for one of those generic bottle of lotion they give you at hotels that’s sitting on my dresser. I was using it earlier. I know what that means, I’m not dense. He looks down at me, silently asking permission. I spread my legs slightly to let him know it’s okay. I am NOT gonna ask him if he looked this up or just knows, and for once, he doesn’t answer my question. It’s cold when his finger presses against me, but he’s warm. He kisses me to distract me as he gently pushes his finger in. It feels weird, but I don’t want him to stop or anything, I just wrap my arms around him.
He takes his time prepping and distracting me. He kisses me all over as he moves his fingers and by the end I’m pushing back against his hand, asking him for more. He shifts up, gently pulling his fingers free. It’s pretty dark and I can’t really see anything except for his face, but I know he’s shifting around and then he’s shifted between my legs again, looking down at me with a soft smile. He leans down and brushes our lips together.
“I love you…I really love you.”
I lock eyes with him. “I’ve never been in love before.” I can tell it’s not what he expects to hear, and I can’t even believe I’m being this sappy, but what I’m about to say is true. I keep our eyes locked because I want him to KNOW it’s the truth. “But I know I’m in love with you and I know this is right. I love you too.”
He blinks for a minute then smiles, leaning in to kiss me as he gently slides inside. He must figure I’m gonna tense because he rubs my side slowly as we kiss, gradually calming me down. He stops when he’s all the way in, just breathing heavily. It’s hurts a little, but not as much as I thought, maybe because he took such a long time prepping me. It doesn’t matter, it just matters that he’s careful with me, and I like that.
We’re still mouth to mouth so we’re panting together, staring at each other. That’s more intense than anything else, the look in his eyes, how we’re breathing together, and how we’re just…together. I can’t really describe it, it’s just this powerful…thing. And I know he feels it too. I can tell in the way he takes my hand and laces our fingers together, squeezing me lightly. I can feel it in the way he’s breathing WITH me, the way he’s looking at me.
He kisses me softly, then nuzzles my nose. “Ready?” he murmurs softly and kisses me again.
I nod slightly and lean up, kissing him back. “Yeah.”
“Tell me to stop if you need me too, okay?” He looks me dead in the eye. He’s not asking me, he’s telling me. I nod.
“I will.”
“Okay.” He kisses me again, slower this time and moves his hips. I breathe in sharply, but I keep kissing him. He deepens it, keeping me focused on that as he moves.
It takes a minute, but then my hips start moving back against him and he smiles. He doesn’t go for my neck like he’s been doing, just keeps looking at me. The only time we close our eyes is when we kiss. I think it’s this mutual thing where we just wanna see each other, I dunno, but we keep looking. That it until he hits that spot and I tilt my head back, moaning his name softly. He squeezes my hand and moans back to me and then things change. We’ve been pretty quiet so far, but after that, I can’t stop moaning softly at him. Things just keep intensifying between us and eventually I look at him again. He keeps his movements slow but strong, and he’s looking right at me. I don’t know what it is about that that turns me on so much, but it really, really does.
I reach up, wrapping one arm around him, holding him closer to me. His hips get slightly faster and I know we’re both close. We’re still looking at each other, his hand is on my hip and he’s rubbing me slowly. I push my hand into his hair and shift, getting my legs around him and he moans. He’s got his hips perfect so every time he’s hitting that spot and I squeeze my legs around him, letting him know. He squeezes my hand and his movements get stronger, not faster, and I grip his hand.
I can tell when his breathing changes and I can feel his body tense at the same time mine does. We keep looking at each other until he does something with his hips and I’m squeezing him everywhere I’ve got a hold on him. I try to keep my moan quiet, but it’s louder than I intend it to be. My eyes close, my back arches, and I moan again.
It’s not until I open my eyes that I feel him start to shake and his eyes close. He moans my name and I squeeze my legs around him, holding him close. He squeezes my hand hard and then he relaxes. He manages not to just fall on me which is good because he’s a big boy and that might not be a great thing. He does lay down on me though, panting heavily. I run my hand through his hair lightly as he we lay there, catching out breath.
Eventually our breathing goes back to normal and I run my hand down his back lightly.
“I love you,” I smile.
“I’m in love with you too.” He tilts his head up, looking at me. I smile wider and he leans up, giving me a kiss.
We fall asleep like that, him just resting on top of me and my legs around him. It feels good to lay there with him. I’m gonna miss it when we leave.
Day 43 is unfortunately NOT a snow day.
My parents come down for a short visit. They’ve gotta be back because Kristen has a meet so they don’t stay long.
Why Man reminds them I’m coming home in a week and my mom gets all excited again.
“Aren’t you happy about going home?”
“Yeah, can’t wait,” I tell her, but it’s a lie. I’d actually rather stay.
As much shit as I’ve talked about this place, it really isn’t so bad. And if I had the choice, I’d stay here with Michael. But if Michael isn’t here, I guess home is good.
She smiles brightly at me and I smile back.
Why Man and my parents start talking again and I just relax with the jet planes.
They leave early and Why Man turns to me, but I ask the first question.
“If…y’know…if you were gay…would you tell your parents now or…wait?”
He shifts uncomfortably and pushes his glasses up. “I didn’t tell my parents until I was 25.”
I blink. “…Oh…well, what happened?”
“This isn’t about me, Ryan.”
“I know but this might help me.” I am SO conning him.
“My father didn’t speak to me for six months and my mother is still praying for my soul.”
“Wow…”
“It wasn’t the ideal situation but I dealt with it.”
“So…do you think I should tell them?”
“That isn’t my decision Ryan, that’s something you have to decide.”
I knew he was gonna say that, but it was worth a try.
“I don’t know what to say?”
“Would you like to rehearse some possible outcomes tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say, then I bite my lip. “How old were you when you realized you were gay?”
“I was 15-years-old.”
“You waited ten years?”
“It took me ten years to be comfortable enough with myself to tell them.”
I nod and get up.
When I get back to my room, Michael’s laying on my bed. He smiles at me and I smile back, going to lay beside him.
“What’s up?”
“I’m tryin to figure out how to tell my parents I’m gay…and then about you.”
Michael looks at me and nods. “Me too…I don’t think my mom’ll freak out too much and Bob won’t care as long as I keep swimming and not ogling guys in their Speedo’s.”
I punch him in the shoulder lightly. “The only guy you better be ogling in a Speedo is ME.”
He smiles. “There’s no one who would look better in one.”
“You’ve never seen me in one, how would you know?”
“Do you have a picture?”
I sit up and reach for my phone, scrolling through it. I’m sure my mom has used my phone to take at least ONE picture of me. Sure enough, in the camera roll, there’s one. I text it to him.
“Yeah, I was right. No one looks better.”
I grin and blush. “Shut up.”
He laughs.
I bite my lip, looking at him. “Would you hate me if I hold off on telling my parents about you?”
He doesn’t say anything, then I realize how it sounds.
“It’s just that…I’m scared if I tell them, they won’t let me come to Baltimore this summer and I don’t want anything to screw that up for us…I REALLY wanna come see you.”
“Maybe we should both wait then…see how it goes with our parents and then figure out what to do.”
“Maybe,” I nod.
“We’ll see how it goes okay?”
“Okay,” I nod again and kiss him softly. “You know I’m not ashamed that we’re dating…right?”
“I know.”
“Okay, just making sure.”
He smiles and kisses me again.
Author:
agape_eternal
Pairing: Ryan Lochte/Michael Phelps
Rating: R
Warnings: language
Summary: People just don’t understand Ryan and the way his mind works…and he’s locked in a Psych Ward because of it, though, according to him, he’s completely sane. But along comes Michael and he gets Ryan and that’s all that matters.
Author Notes: Unfortunately I don’t own the boys. This is completely AU which is abnormal for me. Style borrowed from three books I love: Skin Game, Cut, and Suicide Notes just in case you noticed. No copyright infringement intended. The descriptions of people and/or disorders is not meant to be derogatory or offensive, trust me. Also, this one is kinda personal for me, so if you’re gonna tear it apart, don’t do it in the comments ok? Thanks.
Feed Back: is ♥
Day 35 is big for me. It’s the first time I get off with Michael.
Today is a snow day. All the doctors are snowed out and the nightshift is snowed in. They let us do whatever we want, so Michael and I just stay in our room.
We’re cuddled together on my bed when we start kissing and making out. We haven’t changed out of our PJ’s, and really, since they crank the heat up so high, we both just have on t-shirts and boxers.
So we’re laying there kissing when I feel his hand slide under my shirt and rest on my stomach. Since it’s Ruby and the night staff, I know they won’t bother with checks so I sit up and toss my shirt off. He smiles and I pull his shirt off too, throwing it on the floor. Then I climb under the covers because, just in case, we can make it look like we’re cold or something.
Anyway, we go back to kissing and he puts his hand on my stomach again. He’s got a thing about that, not that I’m really complaining though. But that’s when things change. He slides his hand into my boxers. At first I’m kinda shocked. He keeps making all the first moves even though he doesn’t seem like the type to do it. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is his hand is inside my boxers and then he starts rubbing me and I have to kiss him to hide the sound I make.
He’s got his hand down my boxers and we’re kissing. That’s, like, big shit to me okay? Shut up. And somehow, through all that, my hand finds itself into his boxers and I start stroking him. We both moan into the kiss at the same time and he shifts closer to me.
We’re teenagers and we’re over excited; it doesn’t take long before we’re both coming. He’s got his face pressed into my neck and I’m up against his shoulder. He still manages to have one arm around me, holding me to him. I like that. It doesn’t feel like we’re just doing it, it feels good. I smile into his shoulder and bite him playfully. He laughs and slips his hand out of my boxers. He doesn’t move though, just holds me tight.
Day 36 my parents show up again.
I was kinda hoping it would be another snow day, but of course, because I’m hoping for it, it doesn’t happen.
Anyway, Why Man reminds them it isn’t long before I’m home and my mom gets really happy.
“Everyone really misses you,” she tells me. “Kristen and Megan are really excited and Devon…well you know Devon just can’t wait. Brandon thinks you’re sick so he’s a little weary of you coming home. He thinks you have cooties.”
I laugh. “Good ‘ol Brandon.”
My mom smiles. “I haven’t heard that laugh in a long time, baby, I’m glad to hear it.”
I smile.
My dad just grunts, looking over at me. “You’re getting in the pool first thing when we get home. He can…you know…his arms aren’t messed up are they?”
Why Man shakes his head. “His arms are perfectly fine.”
“Good. Your ass is back in the pool the day you get home. Understand?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. You’ve been dry too long.”
I nod.
My dad watches me intensely for a minute, then looks away. He’s still mad.
I look at my mom and she smiles.
“Michael’s a swimmer too,” I tell her and she blinks. I forget I haven’t told them.
“Who’s Michael?”
Why Man looks at me from the corner of his eye and I bite my lip.
“He’s another boy here. He’s from Baltimore and he’s 15…we’re roommates. He’s a really good swimmer too, we’ve looked at split times and everything. And I was thinking…” Then I stop because I realize I’m stepping in too deep here. They don’t know I’m gay and I shouldn’t be seeing Michael, so I shut up.
“That’s nice honey, I’m glad you’ve made a friend,” she smiles, but my dad narrows his eyes at me.
“You were thinking what?”
“Well…” I bite my lip. “You know how grandma and grandpa are always offering to send me someplace cool for the summer?”
“Yes…” He only says ‘yes’ when he’s in a bad mood or he thinks I’m up to something.
“Well…I was thinking that I could go to Baltimore this summer…to visit him…we wanna keep in touch.”
“That’s e-mail’s are for.”
“Well-“
“You can’t just invite yourself to someone else’s house.”
My mom looks at him. “Steve…” Then she turns to me. “I think that’s a great idea honey, we’ll talk about it this summer okay?”
“Okay,” I nod and smile.
Then Why Man starts talking again and it’s jet plane time.
When they’re gone, Why Man looks to me.
“Do you like swimming?”
“Yeah, I love it.”
“Your dad’s hard about it.” It’s not a question.
“Yeah he is. He used to swim.”
“Did he make you swim?”
“No, not really. He got us into it when we were young, but I actually liked the water, so even though it’s a competition thing, I still really love doing it.”
“Us?”
“Yeah. My older sisters, Kristen and Megan, they swim too and so does my brother Devon. We’re like a swimming family. My mom coaches too. But she doesn’t lay the pressure on as thick as my dad.”
He nods. “That’s good. Does he pressure you hard to win?”
“Yeah. I mean, we know that no matter how we do, he’s still gonna love us, but he likes it when we win. He’s a sports dad, of course he wants his kids to win.”
“He coaches you, correct?”
“Yeah, he does…”
He nods again. “We’re out of time for day.”
I nod this time and go back to my room.
When I get there, I flop down on the bed with Michael, on my stomach, and turn to face him.
“Parents?” he asks and I nod.
“Yeah. My dad’s bitchin’ because I’ve been out of the pool so long.”
“Yeah, my mom brought my coach today and he was like ‘as soon as you’re out of here, you’re back in the pool’.”
“My dad said the same thing.”
“Yeah, coaches are just like that.”
“How come she brought your coach? Where’s your dad?”
Michael blinks. “Oh uh…my parents are divorced.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“Does he know? That you’re here?”
“I dunno, she never said. He probably does, just doesn’t care.”
I shift up and kiss him softly. “I care.”
He smiles and kisses me back. “I know.”
“I love you,” I murmur against his lips.
“I love you too.”
Day 40 is HUGE. It’s the first time me and Michael have sex…
I’m not about to tell you every little detail of what happened because really…no.
But it’s been a snow day and we’re told the next day will be too which means the night staff has to stay again. So they devise a plan.
There’s rooms in a different part of the cottage for staff. There’s one door that leads from the dorms to the rest of the cottage and they decide to lock it. There’s fire doors at either end of the hall that unlock in the case of a fire so we don’t have to worry about that. They tell us that they’ll be down to check on us at ten the next morning.
So Michael and I decide to spend the night in my bed. We cuddle up to each other and Michael’s really hot. No, like literally, he’s like a furnace, so I kick off everything but my boxers and so does he. We just lay there for a while, facing each other, and Michael’s hand is tracing circles on my thigh. I lean up and start kissing him and at first, everything goes like it’s been going. We’re just making out.
Then, and I don’t know WHY I do it, but I roll onto my back and pull Michael on top of me. At first I think he’ll be really heavy, but it feels good. He shifts a little so he’s right between my thighs and we go back to making out. I slide my hands up his back, his hands are on my hips, and we’re kissing…like REALLY kissing. He’s sucking on my tongue and I slide my hands into the back of his boxers, pulling him closer.
I’m not sure where this is coming from. Maybe, in the back of our minds, we just know what to do. I heard in Psych 101 there’s something like the “primitive brain” or whatever and all it knows is it wants to live, eat, and have sex. Maybe I’m operating off that, I dunno, but I do know that I start pushing his boxers down and Michael pulls away slightly. At first I think he thinks we’re going too fast but he’s just pulling his boxers the rest of the way off, then tugging on mine. I lift my hips to help him get them off. Then he settles between my legs again and I have to tell you, making out naked is a lot better than with clothes on. Every time we move we’re rubbing against each other and moaning into our kisses and…yeah, it’s good.
I shift lower on the bed and the way I’m positioned, he rubs against me perfectly and I moan softly. It’s kinda weird to know what you want together. It’s like he’s reading my mind again because he shifts and reaches over for one of those generic bottle of lotion they give you at hotels that’s sitting on my dresser. I was using it earlier. I know what that means, I’m not dense. He looks down at me, silently asking permission. I spread my legs slightly to let him know it’s okay. I am NOT gonna ask him if he looked this up or just knows, and for once, he doesn’t answer my question. It’s cold when his finger presses against me, but he’s warm. He kisses me to distract me as he gently pushes his finger in. It feels weird, but I don’t want him to stop or anything, I just wrap my arms around him.
He takes his time prepping and distracting me. He kisses me all over as he moves his fingers and by the end I’m pushing back against his hand, asking him for more. He shifts up, gently pulling his fingers free. It’s pretty dark and I can’t really see anything except for his face, but I know he’s shifting around and then he’s shifted between my legs again, looking down at me with a soft smile. He leans down and brushes our lips together.
“I love you…I really love you.”
I lock eyes with him. “I’ve never been in love before.” I can tell it’s not what he expects to hear, and I can’t even believe I’m being this sappy, but what I’m about to say is true. I keep our eyes locked because I want him to KNOW it’s the truth. “But I know I’m in love with you and I know this is right. I love you too.”
He blinks for a minute then smiles, leaning in to kiss me as he gently slides inside. He must figure I’m gonna tense because he rubs my side slowly as we kiss, gradually calming me down. He stops when he’s all the way in, just breathing heavily. It’s hurts a little, but not as much as I thought, maybe because he took such a long time prepping me. It doesn’t matter, it just matters that he’s careful with me, and I like that.
We’re still mouth to mouth so we’re panting together, staring at each other. That’s more intense than anything else, the look in his eyes, how we’re breathing together, and how we’re just…together. I can’t really describe it, it’s just this powerful…thing. And I know he feels it too. I can tell in the way he takes my hand and laces our fingers together, squeezing me lightly. I can feel it in the way he’s breathing WITH me, the way he’s looking at me.
He kisses me softly, then nuzzles my nose. “Ready?” he murmurs softly and kisses me again.
I nod slightly and lean up, kissing him back. “Yeah.”
“Tell me to stop if you need me too, okay?” He looks me dead in the eye. He’s not asking me, he’s telling me. I nod.
“I will.”
“Okay.” He kisses me again, slower this time and moves his hips. I breathe in sharply, but I keep kissing him. He deepens it, keeping me focused on that as he moves.
It takes a minute, but then my hips start moving back against him and he smiles. He doesn’t go for my neck like he’s been doing, just keeps looking at me. The only time we close our eyes is when we kiss. I think it’s this mutual thing where we just wanna see each other, I dunno, but we keep looking. That it until he hits that spot and I tilt my head back, moaning his name softly. He squeezes my hand and moans back to me and then things change. We’ve been pretty quiet so far, but after that, I can’t stop moaning softly at him. Things just keep intensifying between us and eventually I look at him again. He keeps his movements slow but strong, and he’s looking right at me. I don’t know what it is about that that turns me on so much, but it really, really does.
I reach up, wrapping one arm around him, holding him closer to me. His hips get slightly faster and I know we’re both close. We’re still looking at each other, his hand is on my hip and he’s rubbing me slowly. I push my hand into his hair and shift, getting my legs around him and he moans. He’s got his hips perfect so every time he’s hitting that spot and I squeeze my legs around him, letting him know. He squeezes my hand and his movements get stronger, not faster, and I grip his hand.
I can tell when his breathing changes and I can feel his body tense at the same time mine does. We keep looking at each other until he does something with his hips and I’m squeezing him everywhere I’ve got a hold on him. I try to keep my moan quiet, but it’s louder than I intend it to be. My eyes close, my back arches, and I moan again.
It’s not until I open my eyes that I feel him start to shake and his eyes close. He moans my name and I squeeze my legs around him, holding him close. He squeezes my hand hard and then he relaxes. He manages not to just fall on me which is good because he’s a big boy and that might not be a great thing. He does lay down on me though, panting heavily. I run my hand through his hair lightly as he we lay there, catching out breath.
Eventually our breathing goes back to normal and I run my hand down his back lightly.
“I love you,” I smile.
“I’m in love with you too.” He tilts his head up, looking at me. I smile wider and he leans up, giving me a kiss.
We fall asleep like that, him just resting on top of me and my legs around him. It feels good to lay there with him. I’m gonna miss it when we leave.
Day 43 is unfortunately NOT a snow day.
My parents come down for a short visit. They’ve gotta be back because Kristen has a meet so they don’t stay long.
Why Man reminds them I’m coming home in a week and my mom gets all excited again.
“Aren’t you happy about going home?”
“Yeah, can’t wait,” I tell her, but it’s a lie. I’d actually rather stay.
As much shit as I’ve talked about this place, it really isn’t so bad. And if I had the choice, I’d stay here with Michael. But if Michael isn’t here, I guess home is good.
She smiles brightly at me and I smile back.
Why Man and my parents start talking again and I just relax with the jet planes.
They leave early and Why Man turns to me, but I ask the first question.
“If…y’know…if you were gay…would you tell your parents now or…wait?”
He shifts uncomfortably and pushes his glasses up. “I didn’t tell my parents until I was 25.”
I blink. “…Oh…well, what happened?”
“This isn’t about me, Ryan.”
“I know but this might help me.” I am SO conning him.
“My father didn’t speak to me for six months and my mother is still praying for my soul.”
“Wow…”
“It wasn’t the ideal situation but I dealt with it.”
“So…do you think I should tell them?”
“That isn’t my decision Ryan, that’s something you have to decide.”
I knew he was gonna say that, but it was worth a try.
“I don’t know what to say?”
“Would you like to rehearse some possible outcomes tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say, then I bite my lip. “How old were you when you realized you were gay?”
“I was 15-years-old.”
“You waited ten years?”
“It took me ten years to be comfortable enough with myself to tell them.”
I nod and get up.
When I get back to my room, Michael’s laying on my bed. He smiles at me and I smile back, going to lay beside him.
“What’s up?”
“I’m tryin to figure out how to tell my parents I’m gay…and then about you.”
Michael looks at me and nods. “Me too…I don’t think my mom’ll freak out too much and Bob won’t care as long as I keep swimming and not ogling guys in their Speedo’s.”
I punch him in the shoulder lightly. “The only guy you better be ogling in a Speedo is ME.”
He smiles. “There’s no one who would look better in one.”
“You’ve never seen me in one, how would you know?”
“Do you have a picture?”
I sit up and reach for my phone, scrolling through it. I’m sure my mom has used my phone to take at least ONE picture of me. Sure enough, in the camera roll, there’s one. I text it to him.
“Yeah, I was right. No one looks better.”
I grin and blush. “Shut up.”
He laughs.
I bite my lip, looking at him. “Would you hate me if I hold off on telling my parents about you?”
He doesn’t say anything, then I realize how it sounds.
“It’s just that…I’m scared if I tell them, they won’t let me come to Baltimore this summer and I don’t want anything to screw that up for us…I REALLY wanna come see you.”
“Maybe we should both wait then…see how it goes with our parents and then figure out what to do.”
“Maybe,” I nod.
“We’ll see how it goes okay?”
“Okay,” I nod again and kiss him softly. “You know I’m not ashamed that we’re dating…right?”
“I know.”
“Okay, just making sure.”
He smiles and kisses me again.