i need to think
i need to just let my thoughts go.
I'm sitting outside today with two people that have known me since the start of my MSS experience. I kid around saying jeez i need to lose a few pounds, i really want to look great for prom, but this is killing me, i had the weight off then i had christmas. Damn holidays. Then suddenly turn around and start attacking who i am, or more precisely who i have become.
So here is what i wish i had said, but i was so shocked by their comments i didn't know how to react.
Firstly, i lost the 35 pounds for health reasons, my lab work was always fun when i got it back.
Then i started to think, i've grown up alot since i started at MSS. I used to dress that whole punk image and covered my body...today i dress for comfort, yes i do own some expensive pieces of clothing and yes i do like to wear them, they make me feel good, i still have my thrifty items, and i still wear them, no i am not a walking label, i wear what fits my body, not looking at the price, unless its astronomical then forget it. I dress to make myself feel good, not to give into society pressures
my favorite thought was that hey, people who dress in the punk image is just as bad as those who dress for fashion, its an anti style, but still a conforming way of life, so think about that kenneth.
I have become who i want to be, secure with myself, and intellectual, and still able to hold a conversation with anyone. I do need to work on the whole interaction with other people, but like all great things, it just takes time.
I'm not vain I am just accepting what is out there and dealing with it, it takes too much to rebel against something you can't see, much less unable to beat.
I still have all my values and morals in tact. I do believe in a higher being, nothing more, i don't know if its name is god, but sure anything goes. Yes i have had sex, and no i am not married, not even engaged, so big deal, i know the consequences for my actions, and you know what, i think that it speaks volumes that i know the consequences but still continue to do what i do. I have tried weed, and i do occasionally drink, i like to experience everything, every aspect of life, i have put myself outside of the box that these two people have locked themselves into. I want to experience life, and EVERY aspect of it, life, death, sadness, joy, pleasure, etc, including sex drugs and booze, it is a part of what life is, i refuse to put myself in a corner and watch life pass me by.
I love who i have become, and yes it did take a serious bout of depression to realize what i was missing, but hey i'm doing ok now, i still get the odd sad moment but hell am i not entitled to this, i think i am, DEAL WITH IT
later days
I'm sitting outside today with two people that have known me since the start of my MSS experience. I kid around saying jeez i need to lose a few pounds, i really want to look great for prom, but this is killing me, i had the weight off then i had christmas. Damn holidays. Then suddenly turn around and start attacking who i am, or more precisely who i have become.
So here is what i wish i had said, but i was so shocked by their comments i didn't know how to react.
Firstly, i lost the 35 pounds for health reasons, my lab work was always fun when i got it back.
Then i started to think, i've grown up alot since i started at MSS. I used to dress that whole punk image and covered my body...today i dress for comfort, yes i do own some expensive pieces of clothing and yes i do like to wear them, they make me feel good, i still have my thrifty items, and i still wear them, no i am not a walking label, i wear what fits my body, not looking at the price, unless its astronomical then forget it. I dress to make myself feel good, not to give into society pressures
my favorite thought was that hey, people who dress in the punk image is just as bad as those who dress for fashion, its an anti style, but still a conforming way of life, so think about that kenneth.
I have become who i want to be, secure with myself, and intellectual, and still able to hold a conversation with anyone. I do need to work on the whole interaction with other people, but like all great things, it just takes time.
I'm not vain I am just accepting what is out there and dealing with it, it takes too much to rebel against something you can't see, much less unable to beat.
I still have all my values and morals in tact. I do believe in a higher being, nothing more, i don't know if its name is god, but sure anything goes. Yes i have had sex, and no i am not married, not even engaged, so big deal, i know the consequences for my actions, and you know what, i think that it speaks volumes that i know the consequences but still continue to do what i do. I have tried weed, and i do occasionally drink, i like to experience everything, every aspect of life, i have put myself outside of the box that these two people have locked themselves into. I want to experience life, and EVERY aspect of it, life, death, sadness, joy, pleasure, etc, including sex drugs and booze, it is a part of what life is, i refuse to put myself in a corner and watch life pass me by.
I love who i have become, and yes it did take a serious bout of depression to realize what i was missing, but hey i'm doing ok now, i still get the odd sad moment but hell am i not entitled to this, i think i am, DEAL WITH IT
later days