(no subject)
..... i just hate myself...... godamnit i hate myself....
i failed to see last night how deep i hurt her and how worried she was..... i failed to see all of that and like the fuckin selfish dickhead that i am. i just went out and did what i promised i wouldnt. if i would've known 100% how worried she was, i would've just fuckin stayed home. when i got home and told her what happened, i just wanted to kill myself. hearing her cry like that...... hearing her cry just made me want to go in my drawer, take out whatever i could find and stab myself in the stomach with it...... the only thing that made me want to was that it was my fault..... it was my own fault. it's so hard to read her livejournals and see what i did, it's so hard to think about it and its even harder to talk or write about. i just can't believe what i did and it feels like i took my own heart and tore it inside-out and that i did the same to her. whenever i think of what i did and how much i hurt her, i think about how i just want to die inside. i feel right now like i'm the worst boyfriend ever, like she should just dump me off....... i thought about what i would do if she did, and i swear to god, i would just kill myself. i probabaly am the worst fuckin boyfriend and i'm such an asshole and i fuckin hate myself..... I FUCKIN HATE MYSELF!!!! i wish i could change it, i fuckin wish i could.
merritt tells me that she fell in love with me for who i am, fell in love with everything about me..... but i don't know why..... i don't know why or how she could love somebody like me, how she could love such a pathetic little cocksucker like myself.
i'm in love with her more than anything, thats the only sure thing i know, and because i hurt her so much, i got hurt too, but it's alright i guess. i still don't feel any different about her, except i feel more in love with her. and this doesnt change anything between me and her, and that was my only real fear.....
today going to see her made me feel much better, and the only time that i was hurt today was when i leaned over to kiss her when we were doing something and she said no because i had smoked last night, and it took everything in me at that moment to not burst out crying, to not show how much it really hurt. i guess i got no right to bitch, and i deserved it......
whatever, i'm dissapointed in myself and this all will bring me closer to the only one i love, merritt.
and seeing her today made me feel much better, but this will NEVER happen again, and you can fuckin guaruntee that.
merritt, i know you're going to read this and i wanna say that I AM SO SORRY
i cant explain how sorry i am, i can never put it into words, and i love you so much.... i love you more than anything, and thank you for staying with me..... you are so amazing and i'm in love with you so much....... i'm in love with you so much, and i never want you to leave me..... i just want you to stay with me forever..... please..... i love you so much....
- love, mike
i failed to see last night how deep i hurt her and how worried she was..... i failed to see all of that and like the fuckin selfish dickhead that i am. i just went out and did what i promised i wouldnt. if i would've known 100% how worried she was, i would've just fuckin stayed home. when i got home and told her what happened, i just wanted to kill myself. hearing her cry like that...... hearing her cry just made me want to go in my drawer, take out whatever i could find and stab myself in the stomach with it...... the only thing that made me want to was that it was my fault..... it was my own fault. it's so hard to read her livejournals and see what i did, it's so hard to think about it and its even harder to talk or write about. i just can't believe what i did and it feels like i took my own heart and tore it inside-out and that i did the same to her. whenever i think of what i did and how much i hurt her, i think about how i just want to die inside. i feel right now like i'm the worst boyfriend ever, like she should just dump me off....... i thought about what i would do if she did, and i swear to god, i would just kill myself. i probabaly am the worst fuckin boyfriend and i'm such an asshole and i fuckin hate myself..... I FUCKIN HATE MYSELF!!!! i wish i could change it, i fuckin wish i could.
merritt tells me that she fell in love with me for who i am, fell in love with everything about me..... but i don't know why..... i don't know why or how she could love somebody like me, how she could love such a pathetic little cocksucker like myself.
i'm in love with her more than anything, thats the only sure thing i know, and because i hurt her so much, i got hurt too, but it's alright i guess. i still don't feel any different about her, except i feel more in love with her. and this doesnt change anything between me and her, and that was my only real fear.....
today going to see her made me feel much better, and the only time that i was hurt today was when i leaned over to kiss her when we were doing something and she said no because i had smoked last night, and it took everything in me at that moment to not burst out crying, to not show how much it really hurt. i guess i got no right to bitch, and i deserved it......
whatever, i'm dissapointed in myself and this all will bring me closer to the only one i love, merritt.
and seeing her today made me feel much better, but this will NEVER happen again, and you can fuckin guaruntee that.
merritt, i know you're going to read this and i wanna say that I AM SO SORRY
i cant explain how sorry i am, i can never put it into words, and i love you so much.... i love you more than anything, and thank you for staying with me..... you are so amazing and i'm in love with you so much....... i'm in love with you so much, and i never want you to leave me..... i just want you to stay with me forever..... please..... i love you so much....
- love, mike