Spirit
4 weeks of my 4th semester at Cornell have passed, and yet, it feels like so much longer. I wonder why that is. Perhaps I am becoming quicker at settling in, and ever so slowly, Cornell starts to feel more like a second home. Sometimes I hear students around me say that Cornell IS home, their one and only home, and read statuses and notifications from my friends that read "going back HOME to ithaca." Wow - good for them for being able to find themselves so comfortable here. It's not really like that for me - and I'm not really sure I HAVE a home, in the physical sense. I think I can be happy wherever I am - in fact, I would be totally content travelling the world for a while, "homeless" in a sense. Because as I am starting to realize, home is actually characterized by the people you find yourself around. Then again, as a counterargument, I am definitely attached to the way the sunlight streams in through the windows in my lovely Mediterranean-style, window-filled small house in Calabasas, but that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is drinking hot chai at 4:00 PM in the afternoon with my parents while watching ridiculously weird Hindi soap operas on television....or going swimming in the summer with my brother while my mom brings out some lemonade and my dad brings his book and we all lounge around in our backyard while the sun sets. I know that when I grow up, those memories will be with me, always. They are so precious, and the thought that they will become rarer and rarer seems unbearable. So here I am, at a sort-of crossroads. I am attached to home, yet my attachment to this new environment around me slowly increases. So what I do - do I let the process become complete? I'm searching for a good answer, but the thought nagging at me from the back of my mind is that the homey feeling probably will not solidify anytime soon. I can't shake the feeling the Cornell is just a temporary stop on the road to wherever I am going, family-wise, career-wise. Will I take the old Hill with me when I graduate into the years beyond? I feel like my attachment to this campus is not deep enough to form a life-lasting bond with my alma mater. But I suppose the only thing I can say for right now is that only time will tell...we shall see. :)
On another note, I definitely have to make the most of my time here. I feel like I am not getting the full value of having an Ivy League education if I am simply sitting in my room watching TV or spending time with friends. Somewhere, beyond all the bullshit, I am startlingly aware of how much it matters that I do well here. So where's the disconnect? I feel like my tolerance, my perseverance is starting to waver, which disgusts me. I have always prided myself on being strong, hardworking, independent, and capable of doing ANYTHING - really, just about anything - if I put my mind to it. But I've been falling into habits I am not proud of (don't worry - i am referring to LAZINESS and GLUTTONY and SOCIALIZATION among other things, not risky coping behaviors...). One thing is for certain - that is not how I was raised. I was not raised to be some girl who forgets to brush her hair and wash her face and instead of doing work, goes to sleep watching a movie. I was the girl who woke up at 7 AM every morning to practice piano before I went to school in the morning. What happened to her??? Seriously, in some ways, I wish I could call that spirit of determination back to me. No - instead, like a wimp, I make excuses for myself. I tell myself that it is NOT me - that the work has actually gotten harder and the competition more fierce. And maybe that's all true, but I should be stepping MY game up to match new levels of difficulty. I know I have the capacity to do so, but I just have to look toward the future with my head held high, as I was taught. With my head held high and my passion put forward. While distractions are plenty, and challenges constantly present themselves, I must overcome them. That is who I am, and that is how I will make my accomplishments and my efforts worthwhile. Work hard, do exceptionally, and the true reward will lie in the sweat and the success.
On another note, I definitely have to make the most of my time here. I feel like I am not getting the full value of having an Ivy League education if I am simply sitting in my room watching TV or spending time with friends. Somewhere, beyond all the bullshit, I am startlingly aware of how much it matters that I do well here. So where's the disconnect? I feel like my tolerance, my perseverance is starting to waver, which disgusts me. I have always prided myself on being strong, hardworking, independent, and capable of doing ANYTHING - really, just about anything - if I put my mind to it. But I've been falling into habits I am not proud of (don't worry - i am referring to LAZINESS and GLUTTONY and SOCIALIZATION among other things, not risky coping behaviors...). One thing is for certain - that is not how I was raised. I was not raised to be some girl who forgets to brush her hair and wash her face and instead of doing work, goes to sleep watching a movie. I was the girl who woke up at 7 AM every morning to practice piano before I went to school in the morning. What happened to her??? Seriously, in some ways, I wish I could call that spirit of determination back to me. No - instead, like a wimp, I make excuses for myself. I tell myself that it is NOT me - that the work has actually gotten harder and the competition more fierce. And maybe that's all true, but I should be stepping MY game up to match new levels of difficulty. I know I have the capacity to do so, but I just have to look toward the future with my head held high, as I was taught. With my head held high and my passion put forward. While distractions are plenty, and challenges constantly present themselves, I must overcome them. That is who I am, and that is how I will make my accomplishments and my efforts worthwhile. Work hard, do exceptionally, and the true reward will lie in the sweat and the success.