The Joke's On Me
April Already. Crazy how the time just seems to fly. I had to be reminded that today was April 1st. This week was horrible/ crazy. I pulled near all nighters going to bed with the sun just comming up to "study". And maybe for nothing because I was so gosh darned distracted. My mind just kept wandering, analyzing, regressing. I misplaced my keys on monday, I lost my wallet on friday. Everything that could go wrong, essentially did go wrong. My doctors office coincidentally moved which I was unaware of so I was thirty mimnutes late trying to find the new place. At least I learned: If you haven't been someplace for at least six months... call and ask them if they are still in the same location. But I still felt like an idiot regardless. The good news was that I ending up finding my keys and I ended up finding my wallet- under the couch?? Complete randomness. I know symbolically the reason why I am misplacing things. I get it that on a deeper level, my life is not in order.
I was eager to go to therapy on friday. And it seemed like it was the only thing I did right that week- be on time for my appointment, as pathethic as that is. But I started talking about my week and did my version of complaining about how every little thing, even to the very dvd that I ended up renting was scratched and how I " misplaced" everything that was important and necessary for functioning. She said it's important to recognize the symbolic meaning behind these things and that at least I did and that maybe in the long run, I was just analyzing it too much. She said the only reason I am dwelling on the little things is because that's all I have. And if the bigger things were on track and the little things happened, I would not be dwelling on them nearly as much. And she's right.
I told her I started reading the first chapter of Adult Children of Alcholics and that I was reconsidering my definition of my mother as an alcoholic because I never had to really take on her role so to speak because she was essentially doing all the things that moms do during the day. The book talked about how kids had to grow up so fast because they had to cook dinner and run the household and all that because their parents were unable to and I didn't feel like my situation was quite like that. But my therapist explained that everyones experience is different. The mere fact that I was aware at a young age that something wasn't quite right and that I was worried for my mother and aware of a deep suffering that she was dealing was enough to affect me. I started getting into more of the book last night and I'm understanding the reason why I find it so hard to have fun and trust people and why I don't and have never felt like everybody else. I'm glad she recommended it to me because at least it's helping. I don't want to be obsessed with analyzing past events, but the reason I seek to understand it now is because I really do want to change and the only way I can do that is to try to get a little piece of why I am the way I am.
Midway through the session, after talking about some other stuff, basically about how I'm manifesting the emotional into physical things, my therapist told me she wanted to tell me something and that she didn't know how I would react. She essentially told me that she thinks I'm selfish. And that I am focusing way too much on myself with every little thing. And that I feel so lost in myself because I keep going around and around in circles and the only way I'm going to break that cycle is to focus on other things that are not all about myself. At first, I was really taken aback by the statement. I was also kind of pissed because I felt like she was against me too and didn't like me very much. But she said that she's challenging the way that I am currently, because I sought out help in changing and the only way I'm going to do that is to have someone tell me like it is and what I need to do to get to where I want to be. So I guess I'm kind of glad she brought it up and I've had other people tell me before that I need to just focus on other things besides whats going wrong with me. Because then I dwell on that and it becomes a cycle, so it needs to be broken. But for me, its going to be crazily scary because putting myself out there and trusting is probobly the last thing I want to do right now. And really, most things I have invested in that dealt with other people never really ended right. And they always ended up making me feel worse about myself rather than better and in the long run they were a huge waste of time. In fact, it seems really unpleasant and something that I just don't want to even go through. It really is a learned helplessness. But, I am going to make a concious effort to really do it, hoping that in doing so, I'll get a result in the end which will be that I changed as a person.
Possible other investments include taking a baby step and getting some kind of pet that I need to take care of. Another thing I was thinking about was looking into getting a job this summmer. And not just talking about it but doing it. I realize that while it's true that I have had negative experiences with people so I equate everything with people as ending up negative, the only way I'm ever going to change that is to start having postive experiences. The only thing I fear with this is that I will put myself out there again, and it will fail, and then I'll have to go through some turmoil and pick myself up again, and I'll be in the same place that I am now, but yet with another negative experience as proof that people are essentially shit. But I'm hoping that won't be the case. My therapist says that she sees a little hope in me and a little hope is really all you need I suppose. I don't know which is worse to be hopeful or realistic. If your hopeful and things don't work out, then it's a let down, but if you start out thinking there is no way things will work out, well, maybe that's more depressing. Maybe it's good to have a little bit of both. And to my credit, I think alot of headway is being made. It takes a lot to look at your life, point your finger at yourself, and say "shame on you." It's taken me awhile to even see and acknowledge that it's not okay to not be important to people and have meaningful and want meaningful relationships. The hardest part is going to be putting myself out there and becomming okay with myself. Things that happen so effortlessly for other people seem to be major deals to me. But seeing how empty life can be without meaningful realtionships I think will help me to really cherish the ones I will have- when I have them.
Trying to get myself to a place where I have something to offer to others is going to be an interesting challange. Too bad I can't just get credit for the idea.
I was eager to go to therapy on friday. And it seemed like it was the only thing I did right that week- be on time for my appointment, as pathethic as that is. But I started talking about my week and did my version of complaining about how every little thing, even to the very dvd that I ended up renting was scratched and how I " misplaced" everything that was important and necessary for functioning. She said it's important to recognize the symbolic meaning behind these things and that at least I did and that maybe in the long run, I was just analyzing it too much. She said the only reason I am dwelling on the little things is because that's all I have. And if the bigger things were on track and the little things happened, I would not be dwelling on them nearly as much. And she's right.
I told her I started reading the first chapter of Adult Children of Alcholics and that I was reconsidering my definition of my mother as an alcoholic because I never had to really take on her role so to speak because she was essentially doing all the things that moms do during the day. The book talked about how kids had to grow up so fast because they had to cook dinner and run the household and all that because their parents were unable to and I didn't feel like my situation was quite like that. But my therapist explained that everyones experience is different. The mere fact that I was aware at a young age that something wasn't quite right and that I was worried for my mother and aware of a deep suffering that she was dealing was enough to affect me. I started getting into more of the book last night and I'm understanding the reason why I find it so hard to have fun and trust people and why I don't and have never felt like everybody else. I'm glad she recommended it to me because at least it's helping. I don't want to be obsessed with analyzing past events, but the reason I seek to understand it now is because I really do want to change and the only way I can do that is to try to get a little piece of why I am the way I am.
Midway through the session, after talking about some other stuff, basically about how I'm manifesting the emotional into physical things, my therapist told me she wanted to tell me something and that she didn't know how I would react. She essentially told me that she thinks I'm selfish. And that I am focusing way too much on myself with every little thing. And that I feel so lost in myself because I keep going around and around in circles and the only way I'm going to break that cycle is to focus on other things that are not all about myself. At first, I was really taken aback by the statement. I was also kind of pissed because I felt like she was against me too and didn't like me very much. But she said that she's challenging the way that I am currently, because I sought out help in changing and the only way I'm going to do that is to have someone tell me like it is and what I need to do to get to where I want to be. So I guess I'm kind of glad she brought it up and I've had other people tell me before that I need to just focus on other things besides whats going wrong with me. Because then I dwell on that and it becomes a cycle, so it needs to be broken. But for me, its going to be crazily scary because putting myself out there and trusting is probobly the last thing I want to do right now. And really, most things I have invested in that dealt with other people never really ended right. And they always ended up making me feel worse about myself rather than better and in the long run they were a huge waste of time. In fact, it seems really unpleasant and something that I just don't want to even go through. It really is a learned helplessness. But, I am going to make a concious effort to really do it, hoping that in doing so, I'll get a result in the end which will be that I changed as a person.
Possible other investments include taking a baby step and getting some kind of pet that I need to take care of. Another thing I was thinking about was looking into getting a job this summmer. And not just talking about it but doing it. I realize that while it's true that I have had negative experiences with people so I equate everything with people as ending up negative, the only way I'm ever going to change that is to start having postive experiences. The only thing I fear with this is that I will put myself out there again, and it will fail, and then I'll have to go through some turmoil and pick myself up again, and I'll be in the same place that I am now, but yet with another negative experience as proof that people are essentially shit. But I'm hoping that won't be the case. My therapist says that she sees a little hope in me and a little hope is really all you need I suppose. I don't know which is worse to be hopeful or realistic. If your hopeful and things don't work out, then it's a let down, but if you start out thinking there is no way things will work out, well, maybe that's more depressing. Maybe it's good to have a little bit of both. And to my credit, I think alot of headway is being made. It takes a lot to look at your life, point your finger at yourself, and say "shame on you." It's taken me awhile to even see and acknowledge that it's not okay to not be important to people and have meaningful and want meaningful relationships. The hardest part is going to be putting myself out there and becomming okay with myself. Things that happen so effortlessly for other people seem to be major deals to me. But seeing how empty life can be without meaningful realtionships I think will help me to really cherish the ones I will have- when I have them.
Trying to get myself to a place where I have something to offer to others is going to be an interesting challange. Too bad I can't just get credit for the idea.