Hmm, I'm Feeling A Little Reflective Tonight...
So much is going on, i dont think i would mind as much if it were a dull static as opposed to the whirling dervishes around me. When I say that i wouldnt mind as much, I'm not saying I am immensely disatsfied, just not ready to face somethings in my life as of yet. I have always been mature and together, it kind of happens that way when you are the youngest of a very large family. I have always known what I want, how I want to get it, etc. But lately, actually that sounds as if i am saying "lately"=recent past, when in actuality I mean "the Ashley I have become in the past few months,"...anyways "lately" i feel like I dont know myself, what i want, etc. Mostly though, I scare myself when I think of how I am unable to distinguish what makes me comfortable vs. what makes me uncomfortable. What makes me proud of myself vs. dealing with the bad descisions i have made. I never was like that.
One part of me feels like I am acting my age, I'm discovering the new me, the Ashley that is currently being uncovered underneath layers and layers of bullshit and drama and insecurity. That aspect of me thinks that I am at a spectacular time in life, because of turning point quality that permeates from it. Another part of me thinks I am a joke for how blindly i walk about this world. But I like to think i embrace the first rather than the last a majority of the time.
I'm just at a point right now, that I have only recently started to realize, where im not sad or anything, just starting to feel the weight of the pressures around me. The pressure that i put on myself, that i put on those around me, and what they force back on me (whether they may reaize it or not). I run away from issues now, seek comfort in unhealthy ways. I want things and then when they get so close, i freak. Some things are at the best they have ever been, yet i am scared of it possibly getting better. im scared of getting hurt. And then in other aspects of me i realize now looking back that there are things about me i should relish in and not worry about it or overanalyze it. because im squeezing so tight i am missing how my situation really feels against my bare skin. I want a friend but i dont want to be asked too much of. And feeling that way makes me feel guilty. I hate making myself a landscape for sexual appitites, but sometimes that is the only thing i want to commit myself to be. And i dont know what to do when so many tell me they care about me, and how unfortunate that feels sometimes.
And all this emotion and conflict i feel, i think it may be easier to feel it all concentrated towards only one person in particular. But it isnt. Its almost everybody. The people I adore, the people that irritate me, the people that make me feel small for just trying to make my way through the mess. It's me for creating more messes than i could handle at one time. Its that forced kiss that i am totally not feeling, that hint to sex that i dread. its that indifference that pushes me down constantly. the lack of hours at work and therefore lack of money. having to get up early to work in the computer lab. feeling like people always expect something from me in which for them to benefit.
Dont get me wrong though, there are little situations that make me feel like the last thing from confinement. Like renewed friendship from grade school. The feeling like i have known someone forever when i have only really known him a few months. My little girl crush on a boy in my class, a feeling that i have not had in years. A single strum of a guitar. Hot chocolate. Spooning. the jump in my stomach at the sight of some very beautiful eyes. Writing down my thoughts. smoking and feeling like life is great. and the discovery of some fucking good ice coffee.
I'm ganna try to take my life by the balls a bit more. I think sometimes i have those moments, even in fucked up ways...like thinking that some of my very poor drunken antics this weekend were hilariously funny. Because i end up feeling on top, even in bad situations. And if something appeals to me, take advantage of it. grab it. and enjoy it.
One part of me feels like I am acting my age, I'm discovering the new me, the Ashley that is currently being uncovered underneath layers and layers of bullshit and drama and insecurity. That aspect of me thinks that I am at a spectacular time in life, because of turning point quality that permeates from it. Another part of me thinks I am a joke for how blindly i walk about this world. But I like to think i embrace the first rather than the last a majority of the time.
I'm just at a point right now, that I have only recently started to realize, where im not sad or anything, just starting to feel the weight of the pressures around me. The pressure that i put on myself, that i put on those around me, and what they force back on me (whether they may reaize it or not). I run away from issues now, seek comfort in unhealthy ways. I want things and then when they get so close, i freak. Some things are at the best they have ever been, yet i am scared of it possibly getting better. im scared of getting hurt. And then in other aspects of me i realize now looking back that there are things about me i should relish in and not worry about it or overanalyze it. because im squeezing so tight i am missing how my situation really feels against my bare skin. I want a friend but i dont want to be asked too much of. And feeling that way makes me feel guilty. I hate making myself a landscape for sexual appitites, but sometimes that is the only thing i want to commit myself to be. And i dont know what to do when so many tell me they care about me, and how unfortunate that feels sometimes.
And all this emotion and conflict i feel, i think it may be easier to feel it all concentrated towards only one person in particular. But it isnt. Its almost everybody. The people I adore, the people that irritate me, the people that make me feel small for just trying to make my way through the mess. It's me for creating more messes than i could handle at one time. Its that forced kiss that i am totally not feeling, that hint to sex that i dread. its that indifference that pushes me down constantly. the lack of hours at work and therefore lack of money. having to get up early to work in the computer lab. feeling like people always expect something from me in which for them to benefit.
Dont get me wrong though, there are little situations that make me feel like the last thing from confinement. Like renewed friendship from grade school. The feeling like i have known someone forever when i have only really known him a few months. My little girl crush on a boy in my class, a feeling that i have not had in years. A single strum of a guitar. Hot chocolate. Spooning. the jump in my stomach at the sight of some very beautiful eyes. Writing down my thoughts. smoking and feeling like life is great. and the discovery of some fucking good ice coffee.
I'm ganna try to take my life by the balls a bit more. I think sometimes i have those moments, even in fucked up ways...like thinking that some of my very poor drunken antics this weekend were hilariously funny. Because i end up feeling on top, even in bad situations. And if something appeals to me, take advantage of it. grab it. and enjoy it.