It should say something that John expected this. Knew the moment that Allison couldn't tell Cal that she was or wasn't a machine that this was going to happen. So he stayed awake. He pretended to sleep and at some point he even tried but he's wide awake before the screaming starts.
Holding her, holding her close, upright. Not down. Trying to get the sound muffled by contact. Shushing her, rocking her. "Allison, Allison, you're here, I'm here, it's okay. It's okay."
This is the first time in a while since they started this whole thing that she felt like maybe she's getting worse and not better. She certainly doesn't feel better. She certainly can't stop screaming, can feel herself crying. Yet she feels disconnected from it.
She grips his shoulders, holds him tighter. But she doesn't feel right.
Disconnected is scary, in any and all scenarios that John can think of. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that some incredibly nosy British idiot started this house of cards falling down and he wants to fix it. Wants to make it better. Wants her to stop crying.
"I love you, okay? You're safe. Everything's fine." She can grip as hard as she wants. "Please don't cry."
Really, that only makes it worse, makes her cry more. She can't stop shaking. Crying. Screaming. At least it's muffled, by his shoulder. By him. At least the neighbor's won't have much to complain about, right?
"You have to fix it, you have to fix me. I can't. I can't..."
"You can. You do. You're stronger than I am, smarter than I am. Faster. Better." She is. All of those things. He'll keep holding her, kissing her forehead. "You're not broken. It's all right."
It is so hard to keep his voice even while doing this.
She does't think she's any of those things. Not anymore. If she ever did. She shakes, hard. holding tighter. "I am. You're wrong. You don't know. I am. I'm not a real girl and you can't love me."
She can't remember if that was just a dream or if Riley'd ever told her that. If Sarah did.
John wouldn't put it past them. Either of them. Riley was very...cruel, dismissive, towards Allison in the end. Just like Sarah. Just like John was, sometimes. "I'm not wrong. I do. I do love you."
Kissing Allison is, possibly, not the best course of action.
It is, however, the first thing that occurred to John to do. So.
It maybe calms her down, a little bit. Just a bit. It stops the screaming at any rate. For now. She still hurts, she's still crying. But at least she's not screaming.
She is also not really kissing him back. Not yet, anyway. Because she thinks she is broken. She feels broken. She feels off.
Not screaming is something. And when the neighbors ask what happened John will tell them that some jerk attacked her at work. Allison's okat, but it gave her nightmares.
The truth, even in bits, is a oowerful thing.
"I love you. I always have. That won't ever change."
"That's an error. It's not right. It's a glitch. Sarah said. My arms hurt. My wrists...am I bleeding? Please, you have to fix it. I can't...please." Somewhat hysterical at the moment, Allison is.
"Sarah was wrong." So much muted anger in three little words. "Your wrists are fine, see." He'll kiss them. He has no idea what to do for hysteria other than hold and talk and attempt to quiet.
"I can see it. I can see metal." And that scares her. It does. Because she'd been feeling better. More human. More like herself. And now...that's gone. And she doesn't know how to get it back.
"It's not real. You're Allison. Your favorite colors are blue and yellow and you've got the nicest laugh I've ever heard and the metal isn't real, please believe me." Please.
She wants to believe him. She does. And she does believe him. but she can see it. She can see it, and she doesn't want to. So the crying. So the hysteria. So, if this happened outsie their apartment, she'd be on a fast track towards a psych observation at Gotham General. "I can't...it hurts. Please..."
And John would be in prison. Can you imagine how hard he'd fight to keep them from taking her away? Can you imagine the number of people he'd hurt to keep her? "What do you want me to do? Tell me what you want me to do." If it's something that will hurt her, he won't. He won't. But he'll listen, holding her tight, because he wants her to be okay.
Holding her, holding her close, upright. Not down. Trying to get the sound muffled by contact. Shushing her, rocking her. "Allison, Allison, you're here, I'm here, it's okay. It's okay."
It's never fucking okay.
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She grips his shoulders, holds him tighter. But she doesn't feel right.
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"I love you, okay? You're safe. Everything's fine." She can grip as hard as she wants. "Please don't cry."
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"You have to fix it, you have to fix me. I can't. I can't..."
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It is so hard to keep his voice even while doing this.
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She can't remember if that was just a dream or if Riley'd ever told her that. If Sarah did.
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Kissing Allison is, possibly, not the best course of action.
It is, however, the first thing that occurred to John to do. So.
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She is also not really kissing him back. Not yet, anyway. Because she thinks she is broken. She feels broken. She feels off.
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The truth, even in bits, is a oowerful thing.
"I love you. I always have. That won't ever change."
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