Haunted
For a while I was debating whether or not to continue this LiveJournal. I started other online blogs for my adventures through the JET Program and for my secret creative side. My last entry looks so powerful as the last, 500th entry in what was a thrilling, roller coaster ride of tumultuous emotions starting in my eager university days and wrapping up this year in April, when cherry blossoms were just starting to wilt and the seasons were changing yet again.
So it would only make sense to scrap this one and start something completely fresh, right? After all, so many years have passed, and I've changed so much. It only makes sense that I should throw everything I've posted out the window and start with a clean slate, right?
But I'd be lying to myself. I realized this weekend, talking to someone who is also going through a rebound relationship with Japan (shorter than mine, amazingly) - you can travel 7000 km away from home, give yourself a new nickname, change your clothes, your hair, your style, your speech, and tell yourself and everyone around you that you are not the same person who went through the interview process and got off that plane at Narita. You can. It's not impossible. But it would be a lie. You will be haunted by the ghost of yourself wherever you go. After all, that's who got you into this country. You can run and hide from what you used to be; it might not follow you through your relationships, but you can be darned sure your past will be waiting for you when you go home. Probably spot you before your plane even lands. "There he is - seat 3F!"
I'm not going to scrap this LJ. I'm not going to pretend the last seven years never happened. They did - that doesn't mean they were all bad. They've made me the person typing this way past her bedtime now. (See? I STILL don't go to bed when I say I will!) I've seen firsthand what happens to people when they try to change themselves here - they shed their "niceness" and turn into giant walking douche bags because they think it will make them more attractive. Do I really want to go home with 10 000 yen, a giant koto and several bags of douche? Not particularly.
Alrighty then - I'm taking a shower, THAT is still in the definite pile - and then I'm going to bed. I think I have all week to catch up on my weekend at school, so yay to that.
So it would only make sense to scrap this one and start something completely fresh, right? After all, so many years have passed, and I've changed so much. It only makes sense that I should throw everything I've posted out the window and start with a clean slate, right?
But I'd be lying to myself. I realized this weekend, talking to someone who is also going through a rebound relationship with Japan (shorter than mine, amazingly) - you can travel 7000 km away from home, give yourself a new nickname, change your clothes, your hair, your style, your speech, and tell yourself and everyone around you that you are not the same person who went through the interview process and got off that plane at Narita. You can. It's not impossible. But it would be a lie. You will be haunted by the ghost of yourself wherever you go. After all, that's who got you into this country. You can run and hide from what you used to be; it might not follow you through your relationships, but you can be darned sure your past will be waiting for you when you go home. Probably spot you before your plane even lands. "There he is - seat 3F!"
I'm not going to scrap this LJ. I'm not going to pretend the last seven years never happened. They did - that doesn't mean they were all bad. They've made me the person typing this way past her bedtime now. (See? I STILL don't go to bed when I say I will!) I've seen firsthand what happens to people when they try to change themselves here - they shed their "niceness" and turn into giant walking douche bags because they think it will make them more attractive. Do I really want to go home with 10 000 yen, a giant koto and several bags of douche? Not particularly.
Alrighty then - I'm taking a shower, THAT is still in the definite pile - and then I'm going to bed. I think I have all week to catch up on my weekend at school, so yay to that.