Loosing focus...
I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I can’t seem to properly focus on anything at all for the past few years. It seems to be accelerating with every day. Now I am at the point where I cannot focus on anything I used to enjoy. It doesn’t seem like it is a change of tastes, it is more like I cannot focus or concentrate on anything I enjoy.
I used to love drawing and drew every day. Now it has been weeks since I have put pencil to paper. I try, but it all ends up jumbled and I get immediately tired and need to lie down. Even talking to friends seems like a chore. Everything feels like a chore and I simply can’t do it. My productivity is now nothing. I am unable to clean the house, cook, exercise, or study. I need to study because it is the most important task I have right now.
Exercising is another very important task because I need to get skinny and healthy again. I have to because I can’t model again (another thing I used to enjoy) or even fit into any of my clothes. I can’t afford to buy new clothes. With me not working and Barry not working there isn’t any way to afford proper fitting clothing.
I want so badly to learn, but every time I look at any page or book the words don’t make any sense and my eyes seem to blur.
I don’t even enjoy eating now. I don’t enjoy playing guitar, watching movies, reading, or playing games. It all seems like hard tasks that I can’t bear to deal with.
I can’t even meditate to help my focus. I’m having serious problems now with remembering things. I feel so disheartened and sad when I get excited to do something I love, then when I begin I feel a sudden cloud of depression that bubbles from within me and swallows me whole. The cloud lingers around me for days and I can’t remember the last time it left.
I am writing this down because it seems like every time I try to remember what to say at the doctor’s office the words no longer seem to properly come out.
I want so badly to see progress, but it even seems like my progress in being able to be out alone for a little while longer is not as exciting as being able to focus. I’m not sure how to help myself. I feel like I am screaming inside my heart whenever I can’t do what I enjoy doing, and the whole of my brain is numb. I feel like a rubber doll with a soul who can’t seem to move.
I used to love drawing and drew every day. Now it has been weeks since I have put pencil to paper. I try, but it all ends up jumbled and I get immediately tired and need to lie down. Even talking to friends seems like a chore. Everything feels like a chore and I simply can’t do it. My productivity is now nothing. I am unable to clean the house, cook, exercise, or study. I need to study because it is the most important task I have right now.
Exercising is another very important task because I need to get skinny and healthy again. I have to because I can’t model again (another thing I used to enjoy) or even fit into any of my clothes. I can’t afford to buy new clothes. With me not working and Barry not working there isn’t any way to afford proper fitting clothing.
I want so badly to learn, but every time I look at any page or book the words don’t make any sense and my eyes seem to blur.
I don’t even enjoy eating now. I don’t enjoy playing guitar, watching movies, reading, or playing games. It all seems like hard tasks that I can’t bear to deal with.
I can’t even meditate to help my focus. I’m having serious problems now with remembering things. I feel so disheartened and sad when I get excited to do something I love, then when I begin I feel a sudden cloud of depression that bubbles from within me and swallows me whole. The cloud lingers around me for days and I can’t remember the last time it left.
I am writing this down because it seems like every time I try to remember what to say at the doctor’s office the words no longer seem to properly come out.
I want so badly to see progress, but it even seems like my progress in being able to be out alone for a little while longer is not as exciting as being able to focus. I’m not sure how to help myself. I feel like I am screaming inside my heart whenever I can’t do what I enjoy doing, and the whole of my brain is numb. I feel like a rubber doll with a soul who can’t seem to move.