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So far hubby and I have managed to keep communication lines open. He doesn't always understand where I am coming from but at least we talk. Last night the stresses of cancer, treatments, my lack of energy and every day life shut down the lines of communication. We misunderstood each other and instead of talking and trying to understand we just sat there silent. I was mildly annoyed and too tired to care or try to explain how I felt. I think he was probably confused, a little hurt and angry. Fortunately we didn't make things worse by saying things that couldn't be taken back. It certainly didn't help my current dark mood. I will have to try explain where I am at. I hate confrontation and always worry that I will hurt people. Hubby is trying to be considerate. He makes few demands and leaves all decisions about: what we have for dinner, what we do in the evening, etc. to me. I am tired. It's not that I am indifferent, I just don't want to have to think about more stuff. *sigh*
Next week is chemo again. That is if my blood counts are good. I still have a cough but physically feel okay. It seems like I was just went through a treatment. It is getting more difficult to gear up for chemo. Receiving the stuff isn't all that bad, it just takes a long time. It's the after effects that I resent. I lose just over a week feeling slightly nauseous, tired and dealing with bone pain. I am not bed ridden or anything but I just drift through those days. I hate that a week is wasted - lost. The remaining time between treatments is filled with doing all the stuff I couldn't do and then I end up really tired. I haven't learned to pace myself. It is diffcult to do when you are trying to make up for lost time.
There is other crap going on. I am scheduled for ANOTHER chest xray next week. I have lost count of the number of xrays I've had in the last few months. Last time I saw my doctor he said if the xrays I had that day didn't give them an accurate picture he would order a CAT scan. So why another xray?? I am trying not to worry but it is difficult. Hubby says that if the doctors were really concerned or something looked really off they would bring me in right away for more pictures. He is probably right but I still worry. Maybe that won't ever go away. I will worry before each mammogram and while waiting for the results. Every time a new pain crops up I worry that the cancer is back. What a way to live! How does anyone who has had breast cancer or any cancer for that matter do it??
Next week is chemo again. That is if my blood counts are good. I still have a cough but physically feel okay. It seems like I was just went through a treatment. It is getting more difficult to gear up for chemo. Receiving the stuff isn't all that bad, it just takes a long time. It's the after effects that I resent. I lose just over a week feeling slightly nauseous, tired and dealing with bone pain. I am not bed ridden or anything but I just drift through those days. I hate that a week is wasted - lost. The remaining time between treatments is filled with doing all the stuff I couldn't do and then I end up really tired. I haven't learned to pace myself. It is diffcult to do when you are trying to make up for lost time.
There is other crap going on. I am scheduled for ANOTHER chest xray next week. I have lost count of the number of xrays I've had in the last few months. Last time I saw my doctor he said if the xrays I had that day didn't give them an accurate picture he would order a CAT scan. So why another xray?? I am trying not to worry but it is difficult. Hubby says that if the doctors were really concerned or something looked really off they would bring me in right away for more pictures. He is probably right but I still worry. Maybe that won't ever go away. I will worry before each mammogram and while waiting for the results. Every time a new pain crops up I worry that the cancer is back. What a way to live! How does anyone who has had breast cancer or any cancer for that matter do it??