(no subject)
I can feel the breeze over my naked body. Skin is amazing. I love the way a breeze feels on my skin, or water, or more than anything else, I love the way someone else’s skin feels on my naked body. I can't sleep, and the loneliness of this time of night is sinking into my lungs making it harder to breath. In a way it feels good, I allow myself so few moments filled with silence. I allow myself few moments filled with my own thoughts. When I'm alone I'm filled with a sense of loss, and I don't mean Gabriel. This sense has always been with me. I'm filled with a sorrow and longing that I can't define. My parents would say it's a longing for a closeness with God. I don't know. Maybe in a way it's connected to that. I think it's a longing for a glimpse of heaven, a longing for a taste of perfection, a longing for a fullness of soul.
I'm going to be tired and sick tomorrow if I don't go to sleep soon. I've been amazed at my bodies capacity to sleep, especially after my long years of struggling with insomnia. I know the sleep comes from being pregnant, but god it feels good to lie down and fall asleep. It seems like such a simple thing, but most of my life out of my reach.
Parenthood...I'm scared I won't be a good Mother. I'm scared of what will happen when I lose patience. I'm scared of the mistakes I know I will make. I guess the best I can do is love my child, and apologize when I fuck up. I'm scared to love my child. I'm so scared that history will repeat itself, and I'll end up seven months pregnant with a dead baby that I love more than life. I guess this entry is more for myself than anyone else. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and I will struggle with my demons tomorrow, or I will ignore them until I'm too tired to chase them away.
I'm going to be tired and sick tomorrow if I don't go to sleep soon. I've been amazed at my bodies capacity to sleep, especially after my long years of struggling with insomnia. I know the sleep comes from being pregnant, but god it feels good to lie down and fall asleep. It seems like such a simple thing, but most of my life out of my reach.
Parenthood...I'm scared I won't be a good Mother. I'm scared of what will happen when I lose patience. I'm scared of the mistakes I know I will make. I guess the best I can do is love my child, and apologize when I fuck up. I'm scared to love my child. I'm so scared that history will repeat itself, and I'll end up seven months pregnant with a dead baby that I love more than life. I guess this entry is more for myself than anyone else. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and I will struggle with my demons tomorrow, or I will ignore them until I'm too tired to chase them away.