wierdness
so, something a little odd.
i went shopping with a friend after work, blah blah blah, nothing important.
i called john and he didn't pick up, blah blah blah, no big. i left a voice mail.
about an hour or so later, i called again and he picked up; sounded like he was on a bus or outside somewhere. thought nothing of it. he says "oh i'm just out walkin' around town."
walking around town... ? i pause. he's hanging out with a new friend of his. don't worry it's not jealousy--this friend is a guy. but it's also the guy who told john that he used to carry a gun around, and used to carry knives, and supposedly owns like 14 shotguns and rifles.
john says they walked down to the train tracks by the cannery (FG residents will know), and found a little restaurant. john says "probably go there for breakfact in the morning."
for some reason this makes me think he's intending to spend all night out and then go to the place in the morning. i know this isn't the case, but i feel ... weird. i feel really weird and unsettled, and i don't like it.
i guess i'm just used to john being like me and not having a life. i tend to be very... um, is protective the word? i don't know if it's protective, or...or... i don't know. i like to know where he is, what he's doing. i don't mean like i have to call every hour or whatever to check in... even if he stayed out all night, doing his thing, i wouldn't really mind, if he told me beforehand. just said "hey, i'm gonna be out with so-and-so tonight, i'll call you in the morning." i'd feel a little weird, not being invited or whatever, but i'd deal.
but this guy, i don't know him and i don't trust him. i don't care about owning guns; i'm not worried about john. my immediate thought when john told me the things this guy said was "he's lying." that or he likes to brag about things, and exaggerate the truth. sure, i'm a suspicious person. john wouldn't hang out with someone that he didn't feel comfortable with, etc. my initial instinct is always not to trust someone, and when i hear someone's bragging about their guns, and how they're all badass and whatnot, i know IMMEDIATELY that that's not the type of person I would associate myself with, and i wouldn't think john would, either. but he's into all that, so. that's his thing so i can't begrudge him it. but, in my memory i seem to recall john saying something about this guy "used to" do something.... i can't remember whether it was carry the weapons or do drugs. if he's a recovering druggie, i will .... hate.
it's not that i don't trust john.
i don't trust anyone.
i want to trust john, and i want to be able to know what he's doing when he's out with this guy. i just... i get a bad feeling about this fellow. will is his name. he dropped out, john said; i think he's getting his GED or some shit. i just get this really... intense disquiet. maybe i'm just not used to john having close guy friends. then again, maybe it's for a good cause.
i always trust my instincts.
if my instincts tell me i shouldn't trust this fellow, i won't. i just want to be able to trust john. i'm going to tell him this, i think.
"i know i can't always be with you; i don't need to be. just don't give me a reason to not trust you."
the bad part is i can read john like a book. he can do it to me, too. that's just because we've been together for a freaking age and a half. but, it's bad, too. he wouldn't be able to hide it if he did something i won't like, like drink, or do drugs or something like that.
i don't think he would... he knows it's important to me (the drug part i mean, not so much the alcohol, though i don't approve of that either so much), and i really doubt he'd do anything to jeopardize getting into the marines.
but just the one time is never that bad.
and if i hear those words from his mouth, i will break it off in less than a heartbeat. i told him from the day we got together. if i ever get wind that you've tried drugs, we're done. that is unforgivable, i don't care. un-for-giv-a-ble. i could never trust him again. and if i can't even trust him a little bit, why the hell would i be with him.
see now i'm getting all worked up. i'll convince myself that this is what's going to happen.
all i can do is talk to john and let him know that i'm concerned. i just... i get an inkling of fear, and i freak out. like i said, i don't trust anyone. at least, not anyone that close to me. i can't. trust. him. all. the. way. and it's horrible, but... i can't shake it. and now i'm worried.
i've been feeling more and more worried about john lately... not about us, just about him. it's... well, it's another story for another time. right now i'll be off, trying to convince myself that i'm imagining things.
goodnight.
PS. leave comments, anyone... i just want someone to hear what i'm saying.
PPS. i bought a new purse tonight, too. i was all excited from that and now i'm in a rotten mood.
JUST GREAT. maybe i'll go work out... remind myself that i'm a Sailor and i need to be focused. i am a patriot and a servant of my country. soon i'll be able to immerse myself in working hard, and not even have room in my head to be suspicious of john's activities. besides, what is he gonna do, right? .... nothing,... right?
i think i'm too suspicious to even have a relationship. i just... can't give all of myself up. not in that way. there's always a nagging voice that tells me if i lose sight for a MOMENT, something will go wrong and i'll be left all alone with nothing. that's why i have to... treat him the best i possibly can. i feel like if i keep him sublimely happy, he won't want to do anything... that would hurt me. so i dote. sometimes i wish he were suspicious, too... just so he would do everything in his power to try to keep me beaming with love, as i do him.
anyway...
i went shopping with a friend after work, blah blah blah, nothing important.
i called john and he didn't pick up, blah blah blah, no big. i left a voice mail.
about an hour or so later, i called again and he picked up; sounded like he was on a bus or outside somewhere. thought nothing of it. he says "oh i'm just out walkin' around town."
walking around town... ? i pause. he's hanging out with a new friend of his. don't worry it's not jealousy--this friend is a guy. but it's also the guy who told john that he used to carry a gun around, and used to carry knives, and supposedly owns like 14 shotguns and rifles.
john says they walked down to the train tracks by the cannery (FG residents will know), and found a little restaurant. john says "probably go there for breakfact in the morning."
for some reason this makes me think he's intending to spend all night out and then go to the place in the morning. i know this isn't the case, but i feel ... weird. i feel really weird and unsettled, and i don't like it.
i guess i'm just used to john being like me and not having a life. i tend to be very... um, is protective the word? i don't know if it's protective, or...or... i don't know. i like to know where he is, what he's doing. i don't mean like i have to call every hour or whatever to check in... even if he stayed out all night, doing his thing, i wouldn't really mind, if he told me beforehand. just said "hey, i'm gonna be out with so-and-so tonight, i'll call you in the morning." i'd feel a little weird, not being invited or whatever, but i'd deal.
but this guy, i don't know him and i don't trust him. i don't care about owning guns; i'm not worried about john. my immediate thought when john told me the things this guy said was "he's lying." that or he likes to brag about things, and exaggerate the truth. sure, i'm a suspicious person. john wouldn't hang out with someone that he didn't feel comfortable with, etc. my initial instinct is always not to trust someone, and when i hear someone's bragging about their guns, and how they're all badass and whatnot, i know IMMEDIATELY that that's not the type of person I would associate myself with, and i wouldn't think john would, either. but he's into all that, so. that's his thing so i can't begrudge him it. but, in my memory i seem to recall john saying something about this guy "used to" do something.... i can't remember whether it was carry the weapons or do drugs. if he's a recovering druggie, i will .... hate.
it's not that i don't trust john.
i don't trust anyone.
i want to trust john, and i want to be able to know what he's doing when he's out with this guy. i just... i get a bad feeling about this fellow. will is his name. he dropped out, john said; i think he's getting his GED or some shit. i just get this really... intense disquiet. maybe i'm just not used to john having close guy friends. then again, maybe it's for a good cause.
i always trust my instincts.
if my instincts tell me i shouldn't trust this fellow, i won't. i just want to be able to trust john. i'm going to tell him this, i think.
"i know i can't always be with you; i don't need to be. just don't give me a reason to not trust you."
the bad part is i can read john like a book. he can do it to me, too. that's just because we've been together for a freaking age and a half. but, it's bad, too. he wouldn't be able to hide it if he did something i won't like, like drink, or do drugs or something like that.
i don't think he would... he knows it's important to me (the drug part i mean, not so much the alcohol, though i don't approve of that either so much), and i really doubt he'd do anything to jeopardize getting into the marines.
but just the one time is never that bad.
and if i hear those words from his mouth, i will break it off in less than a heartbeat. i told him from the day we got together. if i ever get wind that you've tried drugs, we're done. that is unforgivable, i don't care. un-for-giv-a-ble. i could never trust him again. and if i can't even trust him a little bit, why the hell would i be with him.
see now i'm getting all worked up. i'll convince myself that this is what's going to happen.
all i can do is talk to john and let him know that i'm concerned. i just... i get an inkling of fear, and i freak out. like i said, i don't trust anyone. at least, not anyone that close to me. i can't. trust. him. all. the. way. and it's horrible, but... i can't shake it. and now i'm worried.
i've been feeling more and more worried about john lately... not about us, just about him. it's... well, it's another story for another time. right now i'll be off, trying to convince myself that i'm imagining things.
goodnight.
PS. leave comments, anyone... i just want someone to hear what i'm saying.
PPS. i bought a new purse tonight, too. i was all excited from that and now i'm in a rotten mood.
JUST GREAT. maybe i'll go work out... remind myself that i'm a Sailor and i need to be focused. i am a patriot and a servant of my country. soon i'll be able to immerse myself in working hard, and not even have room in my head to be suspicious of john's activities. besides, what is he gonna do, right? .... nothing,... right?
i think i'm too suspicious to even have a relationship. i just... can't give all of myself up. not in that way. there's always a nagging voice that tells me if i lose sight for a MOMENT, something will go wrong and i'll be left all alone with nothing. that's why i have to... treat him the best i possibly can. i feel like if i keep him sublimely happy, he won't want to do anything... that would hurt me. so i dote. sometimes i wish he were suspicious, too... just so he would do everything in his power to try to keep me beaming with love, as i do him.
anyway...