Not Like Other Girls
When I was very little I didn't know that my interests were anything other than normal. I loved scifi and fantasy and science and engineering and space and technology. I liked to dress up as Wonder Woman and I loved superheroes and the whole fighting to make the world a better place thing. I liked dolls okay, but I'd rather be building something with blocks or lincoln logs or unscrewing faceplates on various electrical things around the house. I loved to read and listen to music. I could and often did read myself to sleep. I preferred pants/shorts to skirts because it was easier to climb trees in them.
Kindergarten holds no memories of having my gender invalidated that I can recall. But first grade did. And that's where it began, the insidious message that I was "Not Like Other Girls" and therefore was not really a girl. Or not a good girl, not the right kind. I was defective.
Now I can't blame the school systems entirely, because of course in every piece of media put out there are varying levels of misogyny and gender policing. But school really beat it into me.
Which was super frustrating because up until that point, I loved learning. Knowledge was my eternal spring of water and I was always parched. School tried to beat that out of me too. Mostly it just made me hate school and homework.
Fourth grade is the first time I remember specifically having my gender questioned. Like outright, one girl (the popular girl of course) flat out asked me to my face if I was a boy or a girl. I had finally managed to get my hair cut super short (like just long enough to lay down on my head instead of fuzzing out in a buzz cut) and my usual attire was shorts/pants & shirt because recess.
That made me angry, her doing that to me with her little group of asshole sycophants.
But again, this only served to reinforce the feeling of isolation from 'normal' girls. It didn't (at that point) make me think less of girls in general. Over time, however, 'normal' girls making fun of me and being mean combined with constantly being told that I was not like other girls made me resent and then grow to hate 'normal' girls and all the things associated with 'normal' girls.
At the same time, I was being raised by a single mom and it was us and my two sisters (one older and one younger) so I was in a very pro-woman space. And through the years I have consciously fought to assert my appreciation of women and of being a woman.
When I came across, online, the "not like other girls" discussion and how it was used by women who had internalized misogyny I was confused. Like I could see where that argument was coming from, while at the same time it didn't quite fit me. Afterall, I loved being a woman so I wasn't proudly declaring that I was not like other girls because I hated other girls. Rather, it was a dark confession of my failures as a woman. I wasn't like other girls because I wasn't girl enough or in the right way.
A couple of years ago, for the first time in my life, three different people accused me of being girly. That's what it felt like, an accusation. My emotions are still conflicted about that. Because part of me is OFFENDED that someone would dare think of me like One Of Those Girls (with all their stupid interests that society really helps me hate and shit on). And another part of me wants to cry, because nobody has ever called me that before and apparently I really want someone to see me that way.
I want to be girly. I want to be pretty and delicate and feminine and all the things that society says are shit but that I know are not. I want to paint my nails and dress up and have gentle things in my life. I just don't want that to be all that I am and I don't want my gender invalidated because I'm a stem nerd.
The older I get, the more clear it becomes to me that gender as a social construct (ie: the stuff society imposes on the genders) must be abolished. Virtually every person I know would have suffered much less growing up (and now) if they weren't having to push back against gender roles.
This is a first draft of my thoughts. I'm posting it because if I don't, if I try to work on it, I'll just forget about it or be unable to do it for some other reason. And I need to say this 'out loud' as it were.
As always, the above is descriptive of ME not prescriptive of others. Also, this is a very, very vulnerable spot for me. So be gentle, please. Also also, I'm white and one of the things that let me do was blame the ethnicity of those mean girls for their treatment of me rather than laying the blame at the feet of patriarchy where it belonged. Racism, homophobia and misogyny are all tied up in my experiences here but I don't have the wherewithal right now to express more than this.
Posted from DreamWidth.
comments there.
You can comment there with OpenID or a DWth account.
Kindergarten holds no memories of having my gender invalidated that I can recall. But first grade did. And that's where it began, the insidious message that I was "Not Like Other Girls" and therefore was not really a girl. Or not a good girl, not the right kind. I was defective.
Now I can't blame the school systems entirely, because of course in every piece of media put out there are varying levels of misogyny and gender policing. But school really beat it into me.
Which was super frustrating because up until that point, I loved learning. Knowledge was my eternal spring of water and I was always parched. School tried to beat that out of me too. Mostly it just made me hate school and homework.
Fourth grade is the first time I remember specifically having my gender questioned. Like outright, one girl (the popular girl of course) flat out asked me to my face if I was a boy or a girl. I had finally managed to get my hair cut super short (like just long enough to lay down on my head instead of fuzzing out in a buzz cut) and my usual attire was shorts/pants & shirt because recess.
That made me angry, her doing that to me with her little group of asshole sycophants.
But again, this only served to reinforce the feeling of isolation from 'normal' girls. It didn't (at that point) make me think less of girls in general. Over time, however, 'normal' girls making fun of me and being mean combined with constantly being told that I was not like other girls made me resent and then grow to hate 'normal' girls and all the things associated with 'normal' girls.
At the same time, I was being raised by a single mom and it was us and my two sisters (one older and one younger) so I was in a very pro-woman space. And through the years I have consciously fought to assert my appreciation of women and of being a woman.
When I came across, online, the "not like other girls" discussion and how it was used by women who had internalized misogyny I was confused. Like I could see where that argument was coming from, while at the same time it didn't quite fit me. Afterall, I loved being a woman so I wasn't proudly declaring that I was not like other girls because I hated other girls. Rather, it was a dark confession of my failures as a woman. I wasn't like other girls because I wasn't girl enough or in the right way.
A couple of years ago, for the first time in my life, three different people accused me of being girly. That's what it felt like, an accusation. My emotions are still conflicted about that. Because part of me is OFFENDED that someone would dare think of me like One Of Those Girls (with all their stupid interests that society really helps me hate and shit on). And another part of me wants to cry, because nobody has ever called me that before and apparently I really want someone to see me that way.
I want to be girly. I want to be pretty and delicate and feminine and all the things that society says are shit but that I know are not. I want to paint my nails and dress up and have gentle things in my life. I just don't want that to be all that I am and I don't want my gender invalidated because I'm a stem nerd.
The older I get, the more clear it becomes to me that gender as a social construct (ie: the stuff society imposes on the genders) must be abolished. Virtually every person I know would have suffered much less growing up (and now) if they weren't having to push back against gender roles.
This is a first draft of my thoughts. I'm posting it because if I don't, if I try to work on it, I'll just forget about it or be unable to do it for some other reason. And I need to say this 'out loud' as it were.
As always, the above is descriptive of ME not prescriptive of others. Also, this is a very, very vulnerable spot for me. So be gentle, please. Also also, I'm white and one of the things that let me do was blame the ethnicity of those mean girls for their treatment of me rather than laying the blame at the feet of patriarchy where it belonged. Racism, homophobia and misogyny are all tied up in my experiences here but I don't have the wherewithal right now to express more than this.
Posted from DreamWidth.
comments there.
You can comment there with OpenID or a DWth account.