Gay thinking . . .

[aerojunki]

After WWE Smackdown was over tonight (yes, I watch wrestling, even when Dan isn't home) I was flipping channels and came across 2 interesting movies. The first was Kissing Jessica Stein and the second was Mambo Italiano, neither of which I've seen before. However, both have me thinking about being gay and the issues that can come with that realization. Now this may sound fucked up, and it could piss some people off, but I actually feel a little cheated that I didn't really have to deal with any of that. I've never really "come out," and I suppose that is for two reasons that could rightly go together. Basically, being bisexual, I could be considered a fence sitter. I could be gay, but I don't have to be, as if I could choose to turn my homosexuality off and on. First of all, it doesn't work like that. A person essentially has no control over who he or she is attracted to, which leads me to the second part of my reason. I have fallen in love with someone who could very well be my soul mate. This someone also happens to be a man. Early on in my life I steeled myself to the fact that I may never be in a relationship with someone. When I realized that I was bi, I steeled myself to the fact that the person I may one day love could be a woman. No problems there, but then when I do find a person to love and be loved by, he is a he after all. After my personal revelation and the beginnings of my cultivation in the GLBT community, I end up as another tally mark under the status quo with my heterosexual relationship. Now the twist is that both of us are actually bi, so we actually commiserate with one another over our mutual (and frequent it seems) same sex attractions/tendencies. I have the option now of just chucking all of the aforementioned angst out of the window since I have the "right" kind of relationship now and can't fathom losing it, but I can't. Because the desire for other women is still there. It will always be there. However, that want is made more complicated if you will by the presence of Dan. I believe that the opportunity to have an actual relationship with another woman is gone now. Being involved in two committed relationships at one time is difficult to say the least; I don't know how polygamists do it! Ruling out that possibility, even if that is what I truly wanted, we are left with the "just sex" option. Inevitably we enter into the self confidence and body image department, and that as we all know is a whole other rant. In closing . . .

I feel cheated because I feel as if I should have been challenged about my sexual preference just like so many other GLBT people are every day. I feel like I don't deserve to have gotten away so easily. Does that make any sense? And I'm definitely not trying to make light of what all of those other people have been through because some of them are my friends and I know it's not a picnic. Yes, quite a few people know about my "preference," and I did tell one of three people whose opinions truly affect me . . . my dad. Do you know what he said. He didn't get upset or anything like the reactions I would have expected from him. He said to me that he couldn't see my with another woman. That's all. I was amazed. After talking with him, I didn't really worry if anyone else knew or not because the person who mattered most in my life didn't care. All in all I think that all of the people that actually know don't care either. Who knows maybe I haven't told the people that would care, but like I said, why bother now? *shrug* I know this isn't a superb conclusion, but I think I'm thinked out for tonight. I would love some comments though, some food for discussion . . .