well i know you know everything
I really want to believe in him this time. I don't want to have no expectations or not to get my hopes high. I want to have faith and hope in him. It's been eighteen years now, there is no way to get any of that back. You can't apologize for it, you can't change any of it. But I hope that you can realize how much I want you in my life. I may still have bitter feelings towards what you did, but not towards you. No matter what you do, you are still my father. I wish I could have all those years back. I wish that you were there at my graduation to see me walk across the stage. I wish that you could have seen me before my senior prom in my pretty dress. I wish you were there for my birthdays. Any one, but not even one.
I always keep this all to myself. Somedays I don't even think of him, but then something little throws me off and reminds me of him. Or if one day I'm cleaning my room and I stumble upon one of his pictures. Christmas always reminds me of him. Eleven years old. How he looks funny without facial hair. His guitar. Mom was talking to him today. He told her how he still had all mine and Jenny's letters. All the drawings that I ever gave him, pictures, even one of my report cards.
I want so badly to just know that he loves me. I hate feeling like a big reject because of him. And maybe it was a mistake, but I don't know how long it will take me to get over that rejection. The fact of knowing that your father walked out on your mom and sister just when you were a baby. Then eleven years later, he comes to visit for two weeks and then its another two years until you hear from him again. Now, almost five years later he's somewhat back again. And I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'm going to allow him back in my life and he'll leave me again. So I'm sorry if it's hard for me to express myself. I can never express myself when talking, the words just don't form and I can always see them, hear them over and over in my head but I can never get them out. I never give enough hugs and it's hard for me to say "I love you" sometimes. I can never say what I want to. I just always ramble and then real message is taken over by incomplete sentences and pointless stories.
So this is me, not being able to speak the words, but always willing to write it all out. Maybe I should read it all back to me as my way of practicing. He's going to be calling on Friday and I'm nervous because I don't know what I'm going to say or what he's going to say and I hope that I don't cry or choke up. Oh God. Please let this one go alright. Just for once, please, please. This is all I really want, just the chance to be daddy's little girl.
I always keep this all to myself. Somedays I don't even think of him, but then something little throws me off and reminds me of him. Or if one day I'm cleaning my room and I stumble upon one of his pictures. Christmas always reminds me of him. Eleven years old. How he looks funny without facial hair. His guitar. Mom was talking to him today. He told her how he still had all mine and Jenny's letters. All the drawings that I ever gave him, pictures, even one of my report cards.
I want so badly to just know that he loves me. I hate feeling like a big reject because of him. And maybe it was a mistake, but I don't know how long it will take me to get over that rejection. The fact of knowing that your father walked out on your mom and sister just when you were a baby. Then eleven years later, he comes to visit for two weeks and then its another two years until you hear from him again. Now, almost five years later he's somewhat back again. And I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'm going to allow him back in my life and he'll leave me again. So I'm sorry if it's hard for me to express myself. I can never express myself when talking, the words just don't form and I can always see them, hear them over and over in my head but I can never get them out. I never give enough hugs and it's hard for me to say "I love you" sometimes. I can never say what I want to. I just always ramble and then real message is taken over by incomplete sentences and pointless stories.
So this is me, not being able to speak the words, but always willing to write it all out. Maybe I should read it all back to me as my way of practicing. He's going to be calling on Friday and I'm nervous because I don't know what I'm going to say or what he's going to say and I hope that I don't cry or choke up. Oh God. Please let this one go alright. Just for once, please, please. This is all I really want, just the chance to be daddy's little girl.