Do you know love?
You know... I have been reading through random journals that I have spread out around my apartment and then on this live journal and I have come to the conclusion that I am always in and out of love.. Maybe I don't even really understand what love is... Or do I? Do I believe that I was in love with Bryan[Cresk]? Yes, and in such a way that my heart was shattered when I was faced with the realization that he would not be mine and that he did not want me... No, he lead me on and lead me to believe that there could be or was more to what there really was.
Was I really in love with Chris[Malanchra]? I have to be honest with my self and say no... As horrible as that all sounds seeing I was engaged to be his wife. I was so desperate and so hellbent on having love and feeling as if someone loved me that I did not give it a second glance or thought to what I was really getting into, what I was really thinking... Or if I thought about it at all. And so I broke a man's heart because I made a horrible decision and had to make it right... Though running to Bryan did not help.
Was I really in love with Luke? Goddess, I hope not. How could I have been in love with a man that did nothing but use me for the simple pleasures of human contact and illegal substances? Though at the time in my life, again, I was so lost and such the desiring pup that I ran to the first man that would hold me in their arms and cradle me, even if those arms would later hold me down, break me, bruise me, or worse... Do I regret the time with him? I wish I could say yes... say that it was the single worse moments in my life being with him. But I can not...
Was I really in love with James...? With him I have to sigh and hold my breath. The name strikes a nerve within me that none will ever understand. It triggers memories that even if I close my eyes tight enough I will never be rid of and even in my dreams I see them. Still to this day I will cry myself to sleep and have the nightmares of those times with him and the things I had seen and been through. But as I sit here now and write about it I find myself sitting up straight and looking the world straight in the eyes... How can I not have loved him for the lessons I had learned from him? Though trust is hard to come by now because of him, I have learned the signs of true abuse. There is more than just the fists flying, being thrown around like a rag-doll, being tied to a wall for three days and d... There was the mental strain that he put on me by convincing me I was none better than the ground I walked on and that I was to be nothing but a... lack of a better word, slave, to him. There was a time, though, that I think I could say that I loved him. Maybe even a time that my heart would race as he entered the room... Though, today, to see him... my heart would stop and my breath would cease and I would pale. He is my fear.
Yet, here I am again... Feeling that racing of my heart and that shy blushing to my cheeks each time I hear his voice. Each time I see just his name show on my phone I found I am already smiling like a foolish little school and... giggling. When I am not talking to him, I am thinking about him... wondering how he is doing, wondering if all is going any better for him... Wondering what he looks like in his uniform [As I blush deeply at just the thought that I have a man in uniform!]... wondering what music he might be listening... Wondering what he looks like in his uniform for work... Or just wondering if he is thinking about me at that moment... I go through in my mind what it would feel like to have his arms around him, to be leaning back again him and being held protectively. I close my eyes and picture what it would be like to see him and to just be with him. Is that love? Is that admiration? Is that obsession? Am I so willing to be my heart out again at the chance that it might be stolen away, broken or shattered again? Is he willing to put his heart out for me? Am I worth having someone's heart to openly given to me? I fear that I am not good enough for him, that I will not be to his standards... Is he willing to have someone like me?
Was I really in love with Chris[Malanchra]? I have to be honest with my self and say no... As horrible as that all sounds seeing I was engaged to be his wife. I was so desperate and so hellbent on having love and feeling as if someone loved me that I did not give it a second glance or thought to what I was really getting into, what I was really thinking... Or if I thought about it at all. And so I broke a man's heart because I made a horrible decision and had to make it right... Though running to Bryan did not help.
Was I really in love with Luke? Goddess, I hope not. How could I have been in love with a man that did nothing but use me for the simple pleasures of human contact and illegal substances? Though at the time in my life, again, I was so lost and such the desiring pup that I ran to the first man that would hold me in their arms and cradle me, even if those arms would later hold me down, break me, bruise me, or worse... Do I regret the time with him? I wish I could say yes... say that it was the single worse moments in my life being with him. But I can not...
Was I really in love with James...? With him I have to sigh and hold my breath. The name strikes a nerve within me that none will ever understand. It triggers memories that even if I close my eyes tight enough I will never be rid of and even in my dreams I see them. Still to this day I will cry myself to sleep and have the nightmares of those times with him and the things I had seen and been through. But as I sit here now and write about it I find myself sitting up straight and looking the world straight in the eyes... How can I not have loved him for the lessons I had learned from him? Though trust is hard to come by now because of him, I have learned the signs of true abuse. There is more than just the fists flying, being thrown around like a rag-doll, being tied to a wall for three days and d... There was the mental strain that he put on me by convincing me I was none better than the ground I walked on and that I was to be nothing but a... lack of a better word, slave, to him. There was a time, though, that I think I could say that I loved him. Maybe even a time that my heart would race as he entered the room... Though, today, to see him... my heart would stop and my breath would cease and I would pale. He is my fear.
Yet, here I am again... Feeling that racing of my heart and that shy blushing to my cheeks each time I hear his voice. Each time I see just his name show on my phone I found I am already smiling like a foolish little school and... giggling. When I am not talking to him, I am thinking about him... wondering how he is doing, wondering if all is going any better for him... Wondering what he looks like in his uniform [As I blush deeply at just the thought that I have a man in uniform!]... wondering what music he might be listening... Wondering what he looks like in his uniform for work... Or just wondering if he is thinking about me at that moment... I go through in my mind what it would feel like to have his arms around him, to be leaning back again him and being held protectively. I close my eyes and picture what it would be like to see him and to just be with him. Is that love? Is that admiration? Is that obsession? Am I so willing to be my heart out again at the chance that it might be stolen away, broken or shattered again? Is he willing to put his heart out for me? Am I worth having someone's heart to openly given to me? I fear that I am not good enough for him, that I will not be to his standards... Is he willing to have someone like me?