Feelings and Fights
Things are much better now than they were two nights ago when I last upated this. That night, I was pretty broken down. I cried for the first time in a long time, as much as I hate to admit it, and I felt terrible. All my life I believed I was pretty much invincible, that nothing could touch me. Even if it was hard, I'd beat it, and return to normal. That night, I didn't feel like I could get back to normal, since there really wasn't anything I could do. Life had hit me with something I couldn't fix, and I felt flawed. I was vulnerable, and ANYTHING could go wrong. Now, I do feel normal, and it wasn't due to anything I did myself.
I was surprised by how much people cared, both offline and online. People tell me that they're my friends, so of course they care, but I didn't understand that. I'd been alone for such a long time, and even when I wasn't alone, I handled all my problems by myself. This time I was exposed. I couldn't handle it on my own, and I needed others. And they were there.
It's hard to describe to somebody who hasn't been in that situation, but it it was really like something in my mind clicked. Suddenly, I had a change of perspective. Almost all my life, I believed that deep down nobody liked me, and the second I became an hassle, I'd get left behind. That's how I lived my life, and I think that's the same reason I was alone so much. But now, in through the actions and reactions of others, I see my own worth. That feeling is amazing after so long.
Last night was good, too. I didn't go out, and just hung out with my buddies on the dorm. Everything went pretty well until Bill, the biggest guy on our floor (about 6 foot five, and built) came home drunk, high, and pretty violent. Now, it's sort of weird, but I think confrontations sort of drive my life... That's not to say I go picking fights, as I very rarely get in these situations. But it almost seems like I'm given a choice to be like I used to be, and cower a little, or be who I want to be, and stand up for myself and my friends. And that's what measures the growth of a man. He started picking on my friends, and was being sort of roug with the girls, so I called him on it. He started to get upset, so people were telling me to get away from him, but I didn't.
Instead, I kept at him, until he launched himself at me and knocked me head first into a wall. We were still grappling a little, and I wasn't entirely sure this would end well. But, somehow, I threw him over my shoulder and down onto the ground hard. He got up and tried to tackle me again, but I pinned him up against the wall, and settled him down while everyone else went upstairs to the girl's floor.
I thought things were done with him, but later he found his way up to Mandy's room, upstairs. He wouldn't leave, and sort of passed out on her bed. He didn't end up getting up, so I had to drag him down to my floor.
Now, I talked about confrontations before... I never really believed I could be the kind of guy who stands up for himself and others. I usually, or at least used to, just end up being more submissive, and letting people walk all over me if it would end the conflict. So what does this have to do with my Ciliac's disease? Well, I found out I was stronger than I thought in life, and now I think I can handle this thing, and become a better person. All with the support or my friends, and for my friends.
I was surprised by how much people cared, both offline and online. People tell me that they're my friends, so of course they care, but I didn't understand that. I'd been alone for such a long time, and even when I wasn't alone, I handled all my problems by myself. This time I was exposed. I couldn't handle it on my own, and I needed others. And they were there.
It's hard to describe to somebody who hasn't been in that situation, but it it was really like something in my mind clicked. Suddenly, I had a change of perspective. Almost all my life, I believed that deep down nobody liked me, and the second I became an hassle, I'd get left behind. That's how I lived my life, and I think that's the same reason I was alone so much. But now, in through the actions and reactions of others, I see my own worth. That feeling is amazing after so long.
Last night was good, too. I didn't go out, and just hung out with my buddies on the dorm. Everything went pretty well until Bill, the biggest guy on our floor (about 6 foot five, and built) came home drunk, high, and pretty violent. Now, it's sort of weird, but I think confrontations sort of drive my life... That's not to say I go picking fights, as I very rarely get in these situations. But it almost seems like I'm given a choice to be like I used to be, and cower a little, or be who I want to be, and stand up for myself and my friends. And that's what measures the growth of a man. He started picking on my friends, and was being sort of roug with the girls, so I called him on it. He started to get upset, so people were telling me to get away from him, but I didn't.
Instead, I kept at him, until he launched himself at me and knocked me head first into a wall. We were still grappling a little, and I wasn't entirely sure this would end well. But, somehow, I threw him over my shoulder and down onto the ground hard. He got up and tried to tackle me again, but I pinned him up against the wall, and settled him down while everyone else went upstairs to the girl's floor.
I thought things were done with him, but later he found his way up to Mandy's room, upstairs. He wouldn't leave, and sort of passed out on her bed. He didn't end up getting up, so I had to drag him down to my floor.
Now, I talked about confrontations before... I never really believed I could be the kind of guy who stands up for himself and others. I usually, or at least used to, just end up being more submissive, and letting people walk all over me if it would end the conflict. So what does this have to do with my Ciliac's disease? Well, I found out I was stronger than I thought in life, and now I think I can handle this thing, and become a better person. All with the support or my friends, and for my friends.