Sore Fingers and Moving On
First off, everything went well for my colonoscopy and upper tract endoscopy. I was awake the whole time, appearently, but too drugged up to remember the procedure, or most of the hours of recovery following. They took a sample of... something. It was explained to me, but my memory is fuzzy. They didn't think it was at all associated with my anemia, though, so I'm right back at square one. Sometime I'll meet with my doctor, and we'll discuss more tests, I guess.
Tomorrow, I go move back to my dorm, and I'm filled with mixed feelings about that. On one hand, I'm really excited. I miss my friends. I miss them like crazy, and it took me a long time to realize it. I miss all the little dumb things... staying up until 4 in the morning doing nothing, going out and seeing how drunk we can get each other, and even just the conversations. Now I know what college is like, and I know how to manage things. So, seeing as finals are a long ways away, I should be able to enjoy the college life a little more this semester.
Also, strange as it sounds, I'm excited for class. I'm really excited to learn, and to have a real reason to get up everyday. Life is so slow here at home... most days it seems like I could have just stayed in bed and nothing would have changed. That's a feeling I hate. I like to feel like I made a difference each day, and I just havent. It needs to change. It's been making me depressed and lazy.
But, despite all this, I have some reservations. I'm REALLY going to miss my family. It's weird to say, since I'm still here, but I miss them already. Much more than I did this past semester, or before I left for the first time. I don't know why... each time I leave seems a little more permanent than the last. That's got me a little sad.
Another thing is my fraternity. I was running through my weekly schedule this semester with her, including fraternity and extracirricular things, and afterwords, she told me that she thought the fraternity was taking up too much of my time... and really, It is. Once pledge classes start up again, I'll have to spend about six hours a week in fraternity meetings, plus write a weekly cirriculum and attend the activities for my pledges. On top of that, I have to attend my own brotherhood events. We're looking at probably a bare bones minimum of ten hours a week. Plus 16 semester hours of class and two labs, medicus meetings everyweek, and floor government. I can already feel a stress headache forming just from typing this. I'll manage, though, I suppose. I always do.
Also, am I terrible person for hating to collect money from people, even if it's for a charity? Because I feel that way. I was supposed to try and raise somewhere around $1000 over the break, and I collected a whopping $0. So much for participating in dance marathon next month. My own time, and my own money... those things I don't mind giving up. But other people's? I don't even feel comfortable asking. As crazy as it sounds, I thought about taking all the money I could out of my savings to reach the $1000 minimum, but I know that's just dumb. I'll just have to explain that I couldn't meet the qualifications this year. Which shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making it out to be for myself.
Something else that's been bugging me is Erika, and I haven't wanted to talk about it. When I've talked to you guys, I've been pretty critical of her, and I really dislike her. But it may not be for the reasons you all believe. When I think about Erika, or hear from her, I'm reminded of the end of our relationship. Nothing was wrong, and it should have worked out. There was no reason for me to get distant, and there was no reason to break up. I messed up somewhere, I know I did, and I'm reminded of that everytime I hear from her. That's why I get so angry when she comes up. And I know that I'm going to have to see her when I go back to school, and I don't want to. I wanted a relationship, and she gave me a relationship, and she wanted that relationship to work until the very end. I want to be with somebody so badly... I have for awhile. So why did I throw that away when i got it, and why did it feel so wrong? What's wrong with me?
Finally, I'm still scared I won't cut it... That I'm not going to be able to live up to my goals, or get where I want to be in life. Hell, I don't even know what that is. Things I used to feel so sure about, a career, location, family, friends... It all seems so up in the air now. I don't know what I want, and I'm scared to death that, by not knowing now, I'll screw up and shut the door that leads to where I really want to be.
Something almost magical happened tonight, though. Around 8, I picked up my acoustic guitar, and pulled up some tabs on my computer. I started playing, and the next time I looked up, it was well after 11. It was really amazing... Something felt different. I haven't REALLY played my guitar since the summer, back when I had to practice for my lessons. Since then, I haven't tried anything new, and I've never pushed my self. I got frustrated, and, without anything forcing me to keep at it, I gave up.
Tonight, nothing forced me to keep playing, except myself. Plucking the strings, I remembered why I started playing guitar in the first place. It wasn't because I had to be ready for a lesson, that's for sure. And it wasn't even to impress anyone, although that was my motivation for awhile. No, I started playing guitar because it felt right, for me. It challenged me, but it rewarded my hardwork. Strumming the old acoustic... when I first got it, I sat in my room just playing simple chords over and over for hours, experimenting and creating. I felt that way again tonight.
I picked out a few songs I wanted to learn back when I WAS practicing, and started to work on them. It was hard... My fingers hurt, and I was clumsy. I kept missing notes, and just all in all not clicking. But I kept at it, longer than I did even when I did have lessons. And I learned a few new songs! It ran the gamut from Aria de Mezzo Carattere (The Opera song from Final Fantasy :P) to Drain You (My favorite Nirvana song). Nothing hard, but I couldn't do them before. I actually feel like my skill has increased past the point I left off in just this one night.
And more than that, while I was playing, all those things that bothered me, made me anxious, or scared me dissappeared. I was in the zone, I guess, and it was theraputic. Honestly, the couple hours I spent playing helped me sort out a lot that was on my mind... and made me feel like things will be ok after all. My guitar is definately coming up with me!
Well, sorry for the long post again... Do you believe that I actually try to keep these short now? XD Anyway, I doubt you guys will be seeing as much of me soon, which isn't saying much since I haven't been around that much as it is. But I do read what you guys have to say, and I do think about you. I'll be back, I know it!
Tomorrow, I go move back to my dorm, and I'm filled with mixed feelings about that. On one hand, I'm really excited. I miss my friends. I miss them like crazy, and it took me a long time to realize it. I miss all the little dumb things... staying up until 4 in the morning doing nothing, going out and seeing how drunk we can get each other, and even just the conversations. Now I know what college is like, and I know how to manage things. So, seeing as finals are a long ways away, I should be able to enjoy the college life a little more this semester.
Also, strange as it sounds, I'm excited for class. I'm really excited to learn, and to have a real reason to get up everyday. Life is so slow here at home... most days it seems like I could have just stayed in bed and nothing would have changed. That's a feeling I hate. I like to feel like I made a difference each day, and I just havent. It needs to change. It's been making me depressed and lazy.
But, despite all this, I have some reservations. I'm REALLY going to miss my family. It's weird to say, since I'm still here, but I miss them already. Much more than I did this past semester, or before I left for the first time. I don't know why... each time I leave seems a little more permanent than the last. That's got me a little sad.
Another thing is my fraternity. I was running through my weekly schedule this semester with her, including fraternity and extracirricular things, and afterwords, she told me that she thought the fraternity was taking up too much of my time... and really, It is. Once pledge classes start up again, I'll have to spend about six hours a week in fraternity meetings, plus write a weekly cirriculum and attend the activities for my pledges. On top of that, I have to attend my own brotherhood events. We're looking at probably a bare bones minimum of ten hours a week. Plus 16 semester hours of class and two labs, medicus meetings everyweek, and floor government. I can already feel a stress headache forming just from typing this. I'll manage, though, I suppose. I always do.
Also, am I terrible person for hating to collect money from people, even if it's for a charity? Because I feel that way. I was supposed to try and raise somewhere around $1000 over the break, and I collected a whopping $0. So much for participating in dance marathon next month. My own time, and my own money... those things I don't mind giving up. But other people's? I don't even feel comfortable asking. As crazy as it sounds, I thought about taking all the money I could out of my savings to reach the $1000 minimum, but I know that's just dumb. I'll just have to explain that I couldn't meet the qualifications this year. Which shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making it out to be for myself.
Something else that's been bugging me is Erika, and I haven't wanted to talk about it. When I've talked to you guys, I've been pretty critical of her, and I really dislike her. But it may not be for the reasons you all believe. When I think about Erika, or hear from her, I'm reminded of the end of our relationship. Nothing was wrong, and it should have worked out. There was no reason for me to get distant, and there was no reason to break up. I messed up somewhere, I know I did, and I'm reminded of that everytime I hear from her. That's why I get so angry when she comes up. And I know that I'm going to have to see her when I go back to school, and I don't want to. I wanted a relationship, and she gave me a relationship, and she wanted that relationship to work until the very end. I want to be with somebody so badly... I have for awhile. So why did I throw that away when i got it, and why did it feel so wrong? What's wrong with me?
Finally, I'm still scared I won't cut it... That I'm not going to be able to live up to my goals, or get where I want to be in life. Hell, I don't even know what that is. Things I used to feel so sure about, a career, location, family, friends... It all seems so up in the air now. I don't know what I want, and I'm scared to death that, by not knowing now, I'll screw up and shut the door that leads to where I really want to be.
Something almost magical happened tonight, though. Around 8, I picked up my acoustic guitar, and pulled up some tabs on my computer. I started playing, and the next time I looked up, it was well after 11. It was really amazing... Something felt different. I haven't REALLY played my guitar since the summer, back when I had to practice for my lessons. Since then, I haven't tried anything new, and I've never pushed my self. I got frustrated, and, without anything forcing me to keep at it, I gave up.
Tonight, nothing forced me to keep playing, except myself. Plucking the strings, I remembered why I started playing guitar in the first place. It wasn't because I had to be ready for a lesson, that's for sure. And it wasn't even to impress anyone, although that was my motivation for awhile. No, I started playing guitar because it felt right, for me. It challenged me, but it rewarded my hardwork. Strumming the old acoustic... when I first got it, I sat in my room just playing simple chords over and over for hours, experimenting and creating. I felt that way again tonight.
I picked out a few songs I wanted to learn back when I WAS practicing, and started to work on them. It was hard... My fingers hurt, and I was clumsy. I kept missing notes, and just all in all not clicking. But I kept at it, longer than I did even when I did have lessons. And I learned a few new songs! It ran the gamut from Aria de Mezzo Carattere (The Opera song from Final Fantasy :P) to Drain You (My favorite Nirvana song). Nothing hard, but I couldn't do them before. I actually feel like my skill has increased past the point I left off in just this one night.
And more than that, while I was playing, all those things that bothered me, made me anxious, or scared me dissappeared. I was in the zone, I guess, and it was theraputic. Honestly, the couple hours I spent playing helped me sort out a lot that was on my mind... and made me feel like things will be ok after all. My guitar is definately coming up with me!
Well, sorry for the long post again... Do you believe that I actually try to keep these short now? XD Anyway, I doubt you guys will be seeing as much of me soon, which isn't saying much since I haven't been around that much as it is. But I do read what you guys have to say, and I do think about you. I'll be back, I know it!