(no subject)
Today is my day off this week where I have absolutely nothing planned with the exception of much neglected laundry, housecleaning, and grocery shopping. I was absolutely exhausted this morning. I went to bed at 9 pm last night and slept until 10 this morning.... and trust that it was MUCH needed. I went to Atlanta last weekend (more to post on that)... and the trip was wonderful but exhausting. We drove - which should typically be a 10-11 hour drive. However, we got stuck in an interstate shutdown on Monday driving home and we didn't get home until 11 pm... it took us 14 hours to get home! Of course, I had a difficult time sleeping once I got home and then had to be up for work at 5 am the next morning. I worked from 7 am until 1 am the next morning getting ready for a visit at the store. It wasn't really that my store was in bad shape - it was just that I chose to take 5 days off of work on a holiday weekend and we had the visit RIGHT afterwards. I got home at about 2... fell asleep at 3.. and then woke up to go back to work at 5. The visit went well, but by the time the day was over I felt like a zombie! I've gotten a few things done around the house today, but I am really just trying to chill and relax a bit.
My trip to Atlanta.... aside from the nasty drives to and from... was pretty much PERFECT. Honestly, it made me a little sad to come back home because I really missed my friends so much. It's hard to see life moving on around you where you feel like perhaps you really should be partaking instead of observing. It made me painfully aware that this just doesn't feel at all like home, and I'm not completely certain that it ever will. I suppose that either means that I need to make some friends and try to find ways to make this home... or I need to make a plan to eventually get back to a place I can call home again. This has been such a great experience for me and for Caty and I really don't regret it for a minute.... but there truly is something big missing.
While in town, I got to spend a few nights with Heather and her family, got to have mine and Caty's hair done at Toni and Guy (MUCH needed!!!), VERY briefly went into my old store and saw some of my old team, spent some time with the old gang which just felt so good, was finally able to let go of the terrible grudge that I had been holding against Jeff, ate and drank at some familiar restaurants, and had a date with Gus. I wouldn't say that the last was the highlight of my trip, but it was certainly on up there. Only I think that I was expecting/hoping that 5 years would have created awkwardness and it just wouldn't be the same. That was not at all the case - which was a bittersweet feeling. I always loved the way that he made me feel and the chemistry that we shared between us and the way that I felt this intense feeling of love which is a hard one for me to come by. All of that came back with a vengeance, which was an amazing feeling. However, now I am more torn than ever about the way that I feel and about the reality of this situation.
About my date - we met up and at first I had Caty and Buttercup with me. It was nice for him to be able to see Caty again. The moment that I saw him, all those crazy ass butterflies were swarming and his touch felt so warm and electric. I find him to be so incredibly attractive, both inside and out. Of course, I was crazy worried about the fact that I had gained so much weight through the years and I almost cancelled dinner with him because I was so ashamed for him to see me the way that I am. As soon as I saw him, all of those insecurities left me and I felt so beautiful and confident. I wish that I could find a way to feel that way every day, no matter what. We went to dinner at Armando's by my old house and had an amazing dinner. Then we headed over to Taco Mac to have some drinks. Caty's dad came and picked her and Buttercup up and took them back to his house, so Gus and I had time to ourselves. As soon as Caty was gone, his demeanor changed a bit and he was far more touchy and flirty. He made it quite clear sitting there having drinks that he went into the evening assuming that it had the potential to turn physical and that he was nervous about it. We left that Taco Mac to go to one down the road where Megan, Frank, and Jeff were and in the car on the way there was so much sexual tension. We were at the other TM for only 1 beer and a little bit of conversation with Jeff, but he kept mouthing to me that he wanted to take me back to his house and I needed to hurry and finish my beer. We left and went back to his house.... and I was at first a bit hesitant about the fate of the evening. I didn't want it to be a booty call situation... I knew that I would go back home afterwards and have confusion as to what that all was... plus, it had been almost 2 years since my last physical encounter. Oh - and there was the fact that I really did not want him to see me naked. One passionate kiss and all of those concerns were out the window. I won't give Danielle Steele style details... but I will say OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything that I remembered about the passion and the intensity were all accurate memories. And then some. I stayed the night - and had a bit of a recap the next morning before I had to leave. Being with him felt so good and so right - I did NOT want the moments to end. I wanted to find a way to box up that feeling so I could carry it with me wherever I went. I didn't get to see him again during my time there.
Now I am back home and I haven't called or texted him since I have been back - and I have not heard from him either. I am trying desperately not to be that psycho girl who stalks and can't let go. I want to think that everything that I felt was not one sided. I really want him to desire me and think about me the same way that I can't get him off of my mind. But I know the reality is that we are not at all going to have some sort of long distance relationship and there is not a chance that we could tighten the gap of the distance anytime soon. For all I really know, he was just simply revisiting a good time while I am head over heels crazy about him. I am trying hard not to analyze it and just simply let it be. It's REALLY hard though. I think I'll wait for him to contact me - or at least give it time before I reach out again. I did mail him a birthday card because his bday is tomorrow. I am sure I will probably hear from him in some way when he receives his card. I otherwise have got to resist this urge that I have to reach out every moment that he is on my mind.... which is almost constantly. Why can't this just be easy?!?
OK - I should get back to work around the house so that I feel a sense of accomplishment today!
My trip to Atlanta.... aside from the nasty drives to and from... was pretty much PERFECT. Honestly, it made me a little sad to come back home because I really missed my friends so much. It's hard to see life moving on around you where you feel like perhaps you really should be partaking instead of observing. It made me painfully aware that this just doesn't feel at all like home, and I'm not completely certain that it ever will. I suppose that either means that I need to make some friends and try to find ways to make this home... or I need to make a plan to eventually get back to a place I can call home again. This has been such a great experience for me and for Caty and I really don't regret it for a minute.... but there truly is something big missing.
While in town, I got to spend a few nights with Heather and her family, got to have mine and Caty's hair done at Toni and Guy (MUCH needed!!!), VERY briefly went into my old store and saw some of my old team, spent some time with the old gang which just felt so good, was finally able to let go of the terrible grudge that I had been holding against Jeff, ate and drank at some familiar restaurants, and had a date with Gus. I wouldn't say that the last was the highlight of my trip, but it was certainly on up there. Only I think that I was expecting/hoping that 5 years would have created awkwardness and it just wouldn't be the same. That was not at all the case - which was a bittersweet feeling. I always loved the way that he made me feel and the chemistry that we shared between us and the way that I felt this intense feeling of love which is a hard one for me to come by. All of that came back with a vengeance, which was an amazing feeling. However, now I am more torn than ever about the way that I feel and about the reality of this situation.
About my date - we met up and at first I had Caty and Buttercup with me. It was nice for him to be able to see Caty again. The moment that I saw him, all those crazy ass butterflies were swarming and his touch felt so warm and electric. I find him to be so incredibly attractive, both inside and out. Of course, I was crazy worried about the fact that I had gained so much weight through the years and I almost cancelled dinner with him because I was so ashamed for him to see me the way that I am. As soon as I saw him, all of those insecurities left me and I felt so beautiful and confident. I wish that I could find a way to feel that way every day, no matter what. We went to dinner at Armando's by my old house and had an amazing dinner. Then we headed over to Taco Mac to have some drinks. Caty's dad came and picked her and Buttercup up and took them back to his house, so Gus and I had time to ourselves. As soon as Caty was gone, his demeanor changed a bit and he was far more touchy and flirty. He made it quite clear sitting there having drinks that he went into the evening assuming that it had the potential to turn physical and that he was nervous about it. We left that Taco Mac to go to one down the road where Megan, Frank, and Jeff were and in the car on the way there was so much sexual tension. We were at the other TM for only 1 beer and a little bit of conversation with Jeff, but he kept mouthing to me that he wanted to take me back to his house and I needed to hurry and finish my beer. We left and went back to his house.... and I was at first a bit hesitant about the fate of the evening. I didn't want it to be a booty call situation... I knew that I would go back home afterwards and have confusion as to what that all was... plus, it had been almost 2 years since my last physical encounter. Oh - and there was the fact that I really did not want him to see me naked. One passionate kiss and all of those concerns were out the window. I won't give Danielle Steele style details... but I will say OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything that I remembered about the passion and the intensity were all accurate memories. And then some. I stayed the night - and had a bit of a recap the next morning before I had to leave. Being with him felt so good and so right - I did NOT want the moments to end. I wanted to find a way to box up that feeling so I could carry it with me wherever I went. I didn't get to see him again during my time there.
Now I am back home and I haven't called or texted him since I have been back - and I have not heard from him either. I am trying desperately not to be that psycho girl who stalks and can't let go. I want to think that everything that I felt was not one sided. I really want him to desire me and think about me the same way that I can't get him off of my mind. But I know the reality is that we are not at all going to have some sort of long distance relationship and there is not a chance that we could tighten the gap of the distance anytime soon. For all I really know, he was just simply revisiting a good time while I am head over heels crazy about him. I am trying hard not to analyze it and just simply let it be. It's REALLY hard though. I think I'll wait for him to contact me - or at least give it time before I reach out again. I did mail him a birthday card because his bday is tomorrow. I am sure I will probably hear from him in some way when he receives his card. I otherwise have got to resist this urge that I have to reach out every moment that he is on my mind.... which is almost constantly. Why can't this just be easy?!?
OK - I should get back to work around the house so that I feel a sense of accomplishment today!