NaNo - Day 10 (written on the 11th)
Yesterday was a no-production day NaNo-wise - and for a good reason. I played for the Theosophical temple service at 10:30 (complete with solo) and then turned around and came right back to the Lodge for the Players meeting/rehearsal at 2 that ran an hour and a half. Wasn't entirely surprised to discover that our Christmas play has been officially cancelled, mostly because one of our HS-aged members has school commitments that have to come first (band and "Robotics" program.) Not living in the community meant that I got word a bit second-handedly (my friend at Saturday coffee sharing the rumor) before I got official word - but I knew it really didn't make that much difference to me. I'm involved in prep work for a number of future musical programs, as well as being slowly dragged into the director's Indy film-making projects.
Then spent about an hour and a half talking to Vanna on the phone.
S/He's now (after 3 years) desperately homesick and wanting to come home for good. Weeeeeellllllll... That's all fine and dandy, but I would prefer s/he "land" on us without any outstanding debts (because I REALLY don't want the phone calls). S/He's decided to put off the reassignment surgery indefinitely, which make the job of saving to pay off bills and pay for the trip back to CA much less daunting. I've convinced her/him that the legwork s/he's already done (figuring out where to get prescriptions, referrals for therapists and OB/GYN, etc) wasn't time wasted - just little bits of security that s/he won't recognize as such until she gets down here.
It's really hard to watch my child struggle and thrash around in an attempt to figure out who s/he is and where s/he wants to go and what s/he wants to be. I'm using "s/he" because, now that suddenly the much-desired SRS has been put off, I'm not entirely certain that "she" will continue to be the proper pronoun. Squeek/Vanna has gone through all kinds of permutations on this journey up there in Oregon - only the Universe knows what the next step will be when s/he's back home. Mind, I really don't care if s/he ends up as a "he" or a "she", provided s/he's comfortable with that self-identity at the end of the day.
Another real shift for her/him is that s/he's suddenly developed an interest in studying Zen Buddhism after nearly 15 years as a pretty dedicated shamanic Pagan. I'm not certain if that's because the Buddhism, although of a different "flavor" than what s/he grew up with, reminds her/him of home and the spiritual/ethical framework I gave my kids to work with; but I see this as yet another sign that my kid is getting ready to go through another major shift, and it, on top of the gender identity issue, is worrying me.
It must be so fundamentally insecure for a person not to have a firm idea of who or what they are to that basic an extent. Normally a person has a fairly fixed idea of which gender they are, and to a somewhat lesser extent sometimes, which gender they are attracted to. Vanna/Squeek doesn't seem to have that solid foundation for some reason. And the spiritual thrashing about is just another facet of that same problem. It's all well and good to do some deep soul-searching and find the proper spiritual path, but to never entirely commit to such foundational premises (gender identity, orientation or spiritual path) to me speaks of a real issue.
I hope whatever therapist s/he is seeing up in OR, and whichever therapist s/he chooses to see down here, is ready to get a real handful. I'm just hoping, for myself, that offering unconditional love and support (emotional, and physical within reason) will be enough to help her/him through whatever internal chaos is brewing on the horizon. It's literally all I can offer, along with a short-term place to "land" until s/he gets a place of her own.
I can't have her/him living at home anymore, and we also discussed that. Not because s/he is destructive or anything like that, but because we - I - have already gone to bat for her/him and ended up getting screwed financially. Granted, the ex-wife and her mother were and exacerbating influence, but ultimately I had to write off over $5000 of personal loans that I had little chance of ever seeing repaid - and that doesn't count the many months of rent on the apartment they lived in for a while. His/her word of honor wasn't worth much, and it will take a VERY long time to rebuild that trust. Vanna/Squeek acknowledged that s/he really screwed up, and that I have just cause for my reluctance now to extend that kind of help again. It's tough-love on my part, and it hurts like hell. I want to help her. But I can't. If I even suggested it, both Hubby and Súl would hit the roof.
Sooo.... :-(
Okay...
The time before my chiropractor's appointment today is so short - thanks to dear hubby of course needing to do the dishes the moment I got to the kitchen, as well as the need to actually eat breakfast before much else - that I won't be able to do my word count for NaNo Day 11 until after noon. On the docket for after that is (1) trying to fix JJ's computer, which suddenly refuses to recognize his user profile log-in; and (2) making supper for the whole family, including Súl and her food sensitivities. We're trying out a hamburger/tomato/veggie soup tonight. She's seeing whether she can have tomatoes from time to time again, and actually eating kidney beans for the first time in a couple of years (thanks to being on a mostly paleo diet regimine.) I'll cook up a small bit of millet for hers, along with the rice that normally goes with the chili soup I fix for the rest of us. These meals, when Súl eats in the main part of the house with us, are a weekly tradition that I dearly love.
So I'm just hoping that today isn't as much of a lost day NaNo-wise as yesterday was. If it is... Well...
Phooey!!
At least I'm ahead of myself a little bit.
Until later.
Then spent about an hour and a half talking to Vanna on the phone.
S/He's now (after 3 years) desperately homesick and wanting to come home for good. Weeeeeellllllll... That's all fine and dandy, but I would prefer s/he "land" on us without any outstanding debts (because I REALLY don't want the phone calls). S/He's decided to put off the reassignment surgery indefinitely, which make the job of saving to pay off bills and pay for the trip back to CA much less daunting. I've convinced her/him that the legwork s/he's already done (figuring out where to get prescriptions, referrals for therapists and OB/GYN, etc) wasn't time wasted - just little bits of security that s/he won't recognize as such until she gets down here.
It's really hard to watch my child struggle and thrash around in an attempt to figure out who s/he is and where s/he wants to go and what s/he wants to be. I'm using "s/he" because, now that suddenly the much-desired SRS has been put off, I'm not entirely certain that "she" will continue to be the proper pronoun. Squeek/Vanna has gone through all kinds of permutations on this journey up there in Oregon - only the Universe knows what the next step will be when s/he's back home. Mind, I really don't care if s/he ends up as a "he" or a "she", provided s/he's comfortable with that self-identity at the end of the day.
Another real shift for her/him is that s/he's suddenly developed an interest in studying Zen Buddhism after nearly 15 years as a pretty dedicated shamanic Pagan. I'm not certain if that's because the Buddhism, although of a different "flavor" than what s/he grew up with, reminds her/him of home and the spiritual/ethical framework I gave my kids to work with; but I see this as yet another sign that my kid is getting ready to go through another major shift, and it, on top of the gender identity issue, is worrying me.
It must be so fundamentally insecure for a person not to have a firm idea of who or what they are to that basic an extent. Normally a person has a fairly fixed idea of which gender they are, and to a somewhat lesser extent sometimes, which gender they are attracted to. Vanna/Squeek doesn't seem to have that solid foundation for some reason. And the spiritual thrashing about is just another facet of that same problem. It's all well and good to do some deep soul-searching and find the proper spiritual path, but to never entirely commit to such foundational premises (gender identity, orientation or spiritual path) to me speaks of a real issue.
I hope whatever therapist s/he is seeing up in OR, and whichever therapist s/he chooses to see down here, is ready to get a real handful. I'm just hoping, for myself, that offering unconditional love and support (emotional, and physical within reason) will be enough to help her/him through whatever internal chaos is brewing on the horizon. It's literally all I can offer, along with a short-term place to "land" until s/he gets a place of her own.
I can't have her/him living at home anymore, and we also discussed that. Not because s/he is destructive or anything like that, but because we - I - have already gone to bat for her/him and ended up getting screwed financially. Granted, the ex-wife and her mother were and exacerbating influence, but ultimately I had to write off over $5000 of personal loans that I had little chance of ever seeing repaid - and that doesn't count the many months of rent on the apartment they lived in for a while. His/her word of honor wasn't worth much, and it will take a VERY long time to rebuild that trust. Vanna/Squeek acknowledged that s/he really screwed up, and that I have just cause for my reluctance now to extend that kind of help again. It's tough-love on my part, and it hurts like hell. I want to help her. But I can't. If I even suggested it, both Hubby and Súl would hit the roof.
Sooo.... :-(
Okay...
The time before my chiropractor's appointment today is so short - thanks to dear hubby of course needing to do the dishes the moment I got to the kitchen, as well as the need to actually eat breakfast before much else - that I won't be able to do my word count for NaNo Day 11 until after noon. On the docket for after that is (1) trying to fix JJ's computer, which suddenly refuses to recognize his user profile log-in; and (2) making supper for the whole family, including Súl and her food sensitivities. We're trying out a hamburger/tomato/veggie soup tonight. She's seeing whether she can have tomatoes from time to time again, and actually eating kidney beans for the first time in a couple of years (thanks to being on a mostly paleo diet regimine.) I'll cook up a small bit of millet for hers, along with the rice that normally goes with the chili soup I fix for the rest of us. These meals, when Súl eats in the main part of the house with us, are a weekly tradition that I dearly love.
So I'm just hoping that today isn't as much of a lost day NaNo-wise as yesterday was. If it is... Well...
Phooey!!
At least I'm ahead of myself a little bit.
Until later.