"You should know there's no shame in this."
"You've done remarkable things, but you're fighting a war you've already lost."
I've been hearing a lot lately about dreams, wishes, fantasies... all along the lines of "what would you do if you could go back and change something" or "if you had it to do over again, would you do anything different," etc. I used to believe, "No, given the chance I wouldn't change a thing." But as it always seems to go in life, I have found that I never had all of the available information, just as I'm sure I still don't have all of the information I would need to make such a decision. However, given what I know now as opposed to what I believed then... yes. G-d, help me; yes, I would change a lot of things.
I would've kicked and screamed bloody murder when my mother tried to get me on that plane to fly out to California when I was five. I would've spent fifth grade in New York instead of letting my mother convince me that if I stayed with my father for the year, it meant that I didn't love her. I would've told my parents how much I resented being sent to sleep-away summer camp when the whole point of spending the summer in New York was to be with my father. If they were just going to send me off for six weeks, why not just let me stay at home for the summer with my friends? I would've begged, borrowed and stolen to make it to my father's memorial service... against my mother's wishes. I would've graduated from high school on time and found a better, less denigrating way, to get my stepmother off my back. I would've told my friends in Boston what my stepmother was trying to do to me and that I needed help. I never would have kept my feelings to myself. I would've worn my heart on my sleeve and worn it proudly, fearlessly... even if it meant losing. I would've told the truth instead of saying, "I'm not up for it tonight" and getting out of the car. I never would've left Boston in such a way that hurt so many people I cared for deeply. I wouldn't have let Kaiser keep me in the dark for so long. I would've seen a specialist when I knew something was wrong despite the doctors at Kaiser saying it was "all in my head." I would've finished my degree and my Pharm.D. And I wouldn't have taken so damn long to recover from my botched surgery and the Lyme disease.
So, now what? I can't change any of these things. But going forward... I will kick and scream bloody murder when someone drags me into something I don't want. I will spend my time where and with whom I choose and if someone thinks it means I don't love them... well, that's their damage; not mine. If I travel 3000 miles to be with someone, they sure as shit better treat me right and want to be with me or I'm gone. When there is somewhere I need to be, I will beg, borrow and steal to get there and I don't care who's wishes get foiled. I will not do anything demeaning to myself in order to prove a point to a stepmother who doesn't give a rat's ass anyway. I will no longer keep my feelings to myself. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and if I lose, I know I will live through it and I will face it fearlessly. I will tell the complete truth and I won't get out of the car until I've been heard. I will never leave a home again in such a way that leaves a trail of collateral damage. I will do everything in my power to minimize the inevitable pain of parting ways with loved ones. I will never let any "so-called professional" treat me like I have no worth. I will always seek out the advise and wisdom of others. I will finish my Pharm.D. even if it means that I don't graduate until I'm in my sixties. I will no longer let my physical disabilities prevent me from having the life I deserve.
This is my Mission Statement... now I start The Business Plan. I know where I want to be. I know how to get there. Now, it's simply a matter of putting the theory into practice.
"You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I suppose you do since you already know what I'm about to say."
"I do... but I like to hear you say it."
"Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down."
I've been hearing a lot lately about dreams, wishes, fantasies... all along the lines of "what would you do if you could go back and change something" or "if you had it to do over again, would you do anything different," etc. I used to believe, "No, given the chance I wouldn't change a thing." But as it always seems to go in life, I have found that I never had all of the available information, just as I'm sure I still don't have all of the information I would need to make such a decision. However, given what I know now as opposed to what I believed then... yes. G-d, help me; yes, I would change a lot of things.
I would've kicked and screamed bloody murder when my mother tried to get me on that plane to fly out to California when I was five. I would've spent fifth grade in New York instead of letting my mother convince me that if I stayed with my father for the year, it meant that I didn't love her. I would've told my parents how much I resented being sent to sleep-away summer camp when the whole point of spending the summer in New York was to be with my father. If they were just going to send me off for six weeks, why not just let me stay at home for the summer with my friends? I would've begged, borrowed and stolen to make it to my father's memorial service... against my mother's wishes. I would've graduated from high school on time and found a better, less denigrating way, to get my stepmother off my back. I would've told my friends in Boston what my stepmother was trying to do to me and that I needed help. I never would have kept my feelings to myself. I would've worn my heart on my sleeve and worn it proudly, fearlessly... even if it meant losing. I would've told the truth instead of saying, "I'm not up for it tonight" and getting out of the car. I never would've left Boston in such a way that hurt so many people I cared for deeply. I wouldn't have let Kaiser keep me in the dark for so long. I would've seen a specialist when I knew something was wrong despite the doctors at Kaiser saying it was "all in my head." I would've finished my degree and my Pharm.D. And I wouldn't have taken so damn long to recover from my botched surgery and the Lyme disease.
So, now what? I can't change any of these things. But going forward... I will kick and scream bloody murder when someone drags me into something I don't want. I will spend my time where and with whom I choose and if someone thinks it means I don't love them... well, that's their damage; not mine. If I travel 3000 miles to be with someone, they sure as shit better treat me right and want to be with me or I'm gone. When there is somewhere I need to be, I will beg, borrow and steal to get there and I don't care who's wishes get foiled. I will not do anything demeaning to myself in order to prove a point to a stepmother who doesn't give a rat's ass anyway. I will no longer keep my feelings to myself. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and if I lose, I know I will live through it and I will face it fearlessly. I will tell the complete truth and I won't get out of the car until I've been heard. I will never leave a home again in such a way that leaves a trail of collateral damage. I will do everything in my power to minimize the inevitable pain of parting ways with loved ones. I will never let any "so-called professional" treat me like I have no worth. I will always seek out the advise and wisdom of others. I will finish my Pharm.D. even if it means that I don't graduate until I'm in my sixties. I will no longer let my physical disabilities prevent me from having the life I deserve.
This is my Mission Statement... now I start The Business Plan. I know where I want to be. I know how to get there. Now, it's simply a matter of putting the theory into practice.
"You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I suppose you do since you already know what I'm about to say."
"I do... but I like to hear you say it."
"Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down."