The "It Sucks So Much It's Great" List
Okay I'm bored again so I'll hit you with another list, this time comprised of things that suck so much, they're great. What do I mean, exactly? Well you'll figure it out. You'll notice that a lot of the content below involves some sort of death metal, because personally I don't think there's any greater gift to comedy.
1. Andrew WK - Now some of you might be saying, "What do you mean? AWK is friggin great!" and you would be right. On the other hand, some of you may be saying, "AWK is pretty fuckin bad dude" and you would be right. I did an entry a while back giving 10 reasons why Andrew WK is great. However, he's still Andrew WK, the guy who writes dozens of songs about partying which feature 3 or 4 guitars all playing the same thing and tops it off with some of the cheesiest piano parts known to man. Great? Yup. Bad? You're damn right.
2. Ronnie James Dio - Now here's a good example of something you can enjoy only when there isn't a person around within a mile radius: Dio's music. It's perfectly normal to rock out to "Holy Diver" while driving in the car, but for God's sake make sure the windows are rolled up. In your spare time, you could take what I call the 'Dio Challenge', which involves listening to "Rainbow in the Dark" while looking at the picture below, and keeping a straight face.
3. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Okay I've been a fan of these guys since they put out their first record. Basically they're all members of other bands like NOFX, Lagwagon and Foo Fighters. When not busy with those bands, they record half-assed covers of anything from Neil Diamond to Broadway tunes to STYX. Recently, they hit a new low when they played some kid's bar mitzvah, and recorded it for a live album. Only unlike most live albums, this one features brand new covers that they learned 2 days beforehand, and an audience of about 12 people, none of which seemed to like them. In addition, the band performed intoxicated, and fucked up almost every song. Great stuff.
4. Mortiis - Okay so I'm not familiar with this thing's music but I don't think I really need to. This guy made the list cause I happened to have a spot open for guys who look like the lovechild of Geddy Lee and a retarded demon. I can't see this guy making much money doing the music thing, perhaps he does birthday parties on the side?
5. Loudness - Now anyone who knows music knows that nothing screams success quite like a Japanese hair metal band. Throw in some rainbow colored guitars and an album called 'Spritual Canoe' and you really can't go wrong.
6. Lil Jon - You know, it's funny. Back in the day, an artist like Benny Goodman would practice his clarinet night and day for years, before becoming the famous musician that he was. Who knew that all he had to do was put on some jewelry and Fubus and scream "Yyeaaheaahhhh!!!" 50 fucking times per song and he would have had the same amount of success. But you can't doubt Lil Jon's power of inspiration - I'm sure thousands of young kids alllll over the country are standing in front of a mirror thinking of the catch phrase that will soon have them "breakin' bread with Dominican niggaz over a hot Benigan's dinner thinkin' how they'll a cop the 6 at the beginnin' of winter." Skeet Skeet!
7. Mortician - I was introduced to these guys by a friend who told me to 'imagine hearing a piece of scrapmetal shoved through a woodcutter'. In addition, give a microphone to a 600 pound gorilla and I'd say you'd have a pretty accurate description. Mortician have described themselves as the pioneers of 'gore metal' and 'the most brutal fucking band ever'. In reality, they're the laughing stock of the death metal community. Here's what the average album review on amazon.com looks like - "As a fan of just about every kind of metal known to man, i was deeply offended by the so called instrument-playing on this record. If you have already bought this album it makes a nice coaster, frisbee and my favorite, a shotgun target. If you paid full price for it...kill yourself." The average Mortician song ranges from 50 seconds to 1:20, and usually features a soundclip from some obscure horror movie, followed by a bludgeoning of blast beats from a drum machine and guitars and bass tuned down to God-knows-what, and a series of subwoofer-quality grunts that, according to the booklet, are actual words. I for one, will not be using my copy of 'Chainsaw Dismemberment' for target practice, because no matter how shitty a mood I am in, I can always pop this sucker in and laugh my ass off. Thanks, Mortician!
1. Andrew WK - Now some of you might be saying, "What do you mean? AWK is friggin great!" and you would be right. On the other hand, some of you may be saying, "AWK is pretty fuckin bad dude" and you would be right. I did an entry a while back giving 10 reasons why Andrew WK is great. However, he's still Andrew WK, the guy who writes dozens of songs about partying which feature 3 or 4 guitars all playing the same thing and tops it off with some of the cheesiest piano parts known to man. Great? Yup. Bad? You're damn right.
2. Ronnie James Dio - Now here's a good example of something you can enjoy only when there isn't a person around within a mile radius: Dio's music. It's perfectly normal to rock out to "Holy Diver" while driving in the car, but for God's sake make sure the windows are rolled up. In your spare time, you could take what I call the 'Dio Challenge', which involves listening to "Rainbow in the Dark" while looking at the picture below, and keeping a straight face.
3. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Okay I've been a fan of these guys since they put out their first record. Basically they're all members of other bands like NOFX, Lagwagon and Foo Fighters. When not busy with those bands, they record half-assed covers of anything from Neil Diamond to Broadway tunes to STYX. Recently, they hit a new low when they played some kid's bar mitzvah, and recorded it for a live album. Only unlike most live albums, this one features brand new covers that they learned 2 days beforehand, and an audience of about 12 people, none of which seemed to like them. In addition, the band performed intoxicated, and fucked up almost every song. Great stuff.
4. Mortiis - Okay so I'm not familiar with this thing's music but I don't think I really need to. This guy made the list cause I happened to have a spot open for guys who look like the lovechild of Geddy Lee and a retarded demon. I can't see this guy making much money doing the music thing, perhaps he does birthday parties on the side?
5. Loudness - Now anyone who knows music knows that nothing screams success quite like a Japanese hair metal band. Throw in some rainbow colored guitars and an album called 'Spritual Canoe' and you really can't go wrong.
6. Lil Jon - You know, it's funny. Back in the day, an artist like Benny Goodman would practice his clarinet night and day for years, before becoming the famous musician that he was. Who knew that all he had to do was put on some jewelry and Fubus and scream "Yyeaaheaahhhh!!!" 50 fucking times per song and he would have had the same amount of success. But you can't doubt Lil Jon's power of inspiration - I'm sure thousands of young kids alllll over the country are standing in front of a mirror thinking of the catch phrase that will soon have them "breakin' bread with Dominican niggaz over a hot Benigan's dinner thinkin' how they'll a cop the 6 at the beginnin' of winter." Skeet Skeet!
7. Mortician - I was introduced to these guys by a friend who told me to 'imagine hearing a piece of scrapmetal shoved through a woodcutter'. In addition, give a microphone to a 600 pound gorilla and I'd say you'd have a pretty accurate description. Mortician have described themselves as the pioneers of 'gore metal' and 'the most brutal fucking band ever'. In reality, they're the laughing stock of the death metal community. Here's what the average album review on amazon.com looks like - "As a fan of just about every kind of metal known to man, i was deeply offended by the so called instrument-playing on this record. If you have already bought this album it makes a nice coaster, frisbee and my favorite, a shotgun target. If you paid full price for it...kill yourself." The average Mortician song ranges from 50 seconds to 1:20, and usually features a soundclip from some obscure horror movie, followed by a bludgeoning of blast beats from a drum machine and guitars and bass tuned down to God-knows-what, and a series of subwoofer-quality grunts that, according to the booklet, are actual words. I for one, will not be using my copy of 'Chainsaw Dismemberment' for target practice, because no matter how shitty a mood I am in, I can always pop this sucker in and laugh my ass off. Thanks, Mortician!