free association...
i really wanted to take a coupla moments to free associate about my life in a public forum.
okay... here goes:
i don't know where to begin really. this year in school has been really hard. it's brought back my troubles with anxiety. it's an inability to feel good enough that brings it out. being good enough is a strange concept, especially when i'm stressing because of who i'm trying to be good enough for. generally people or things that aren't worth the effort and exhaustion. as far as the hartt school, i realize the stakes and i do think they're worth it, but i'm not quite sure it should be this hard to proove myself. it's not this difficult for other people, though at the same time i right that i know that my past behavior is something i need to show won't happen again. what specifically i have to make up i'm not sure. i'm doing some pennance for partying? for taking my mind of my studies? sometimes i'm frustrated that i can't take my mind off of them for too long without loosing ground, and because i see others who can balance a less-focused lifestyle yet still seemingly succede. but i don't know why i'd be jealous because obviously that lifestyle is not for me. and the over-acheiver totally prepared sober 24/7 straigh-laced thing isn't for me either. but there certainly is room for a middle ground. what it all boils down to is me trying to be other things and everything so that people will love me. what i'm learning now is how to be myself and let that be loved. it certainly hasn't been easy. there are people who i don't see nearly as often because our mentalities differ. and there are people i'd love to see more but our priorities and responsibilities differ. although i must say that everytime i find the time to enjoy myself socially these days i'm not wasting it by sitting around and being blase about life. amusement is such an accomplishment now, instead of a pre-requisite. not to say i have to work hard, but being able to reward myself for hard work by a coupla hours here and there of smiles makes both the work and smiles more rewarding. the only drawback right now is that this new balance is something harder to get used to and sometimes i feel like i'm not having enough fun and i'm getting depressed or something. and then i just remember my goals and it's not so hard.
my goals... haha. hmmmm... my immediate goal is to keep working hard through the end of the school year. that's another new ajustment, hard work. i've never really had to work all that hard at anything. at the same time i've never really achieved anything so stellar without some hard work. my only concern is that all this hard work pay off. i wish i knew if my teachers know how hard i'm trying. mostly at hartt. my history and french class work is really just slightly above normal work ethic, but i'm pushing myself at hartt. i get worried that maybe i'm not working hard enough? will i blame myself if i get asked to leave the program in a couple of weeks? is that possible? could my hartt career be over inspite of my dedication. is my dedication enough? is hartt actually worth it? annmarie's movement class is a joy. sometimes i don't know where she's coming from or where this work is headed but i simple enjoy working with her. "reckless" was a blessing in everyway. i wish i would have let myself enjoy it more instead of being so so so worried about it's outcome. i think i'm making progress in Voice & Speech, though that remains to be seen. i suppose i get less notes. i think i should stop waiting for someone else's approval and just be, however someone else's approval is what my college experience will come down to. i shudder to think that it will come down to Diana's opinion. she frustrates me so because i can't get a read on her, and it frustrates me further that she seems to believe she knows me so well, when in reality i don't think she gives a damn about me at all. that's tough. but alli packer says she didn't get along with her either, and i trust alli more than most.
my mom told me to lay everything out in front of me, and assess my options. the first thing that comes up is how much i want to work in this program and make it work for me, and work with it. i want to be in the show's that are chosen for the fall. i want to go to england next year and study with my class and become really good friends with them and be happy to go to class. and there are days and times when i believe that is reality, that that is possible, that is what is happening and will continue to happen. but every now and then i get a feeling that it's not working. that usually happens when some form of judgement enters in and i start feeling not good enough or feeling like someone thinks i'm not good enough. after that my first thought is to bail. but to where? the english department? and a B.A. in Creative Writing? would that be the end of my acting career before it started? i believe i need the training that the Hartt school can supply. my chances of making it are much harder without this path. why should i choose to make things harder for myself.
why can't i say i believe in myself without knowing if someone else believes in me too? i can't say that i'm good enough or worth it until i hear diana or alan or annmarie or bob or henry say it first. is that a problem? because there are times when i'm sure i'm talented and full of possibilities but then someone doesn't openly share that thought and i start feeling like one of those rejects from american idol who believe in themselves to the point of tears only to have their dreams shattered by a brit, mariah's producer, and a sluring washed up pop-star. sure there are other paths to take to a recording contract for those fallen idols and there are other paths that i could take to be a working actor. but i don't want to take any other path. this is what i want.
i'm determined to make this work but i know all the determination in the world may not matter any more then money or beauty or anger. it comes down to luck then?
well i've always been rather lucky. things always seem to work out somehow. i'm certain things will work out somehow. i just really really wish i knew how they'd work out, but something tells me that's not for me to worry about and i should just place my trust in destiny and fate and god and life. too bad those are really hard things to depend on sometimes.
sigh.
in any case thanks for listening whoever is listening. if you have any thoughts i'd love to hear them, because i'm open to suggestion.
this felt really good so i'll probably have a lot more to say in the near future.
:)
okay... here goes:
i don't know where to begin really. this year in school has been really hard. it's brought back my troubles with anxiety. it's an inability to feel good enough that brings it out. being good enough is a strange concept, especially when i'm stressing because of who i'm trying to be good enough for. generally people or things that aren't worth the effort and exhaustion. as far as the hartt school, i realize the stakes and i do think they're worth it, but i'm not quite sure it should be this hard to proove myself. it's not this difficult for other people, though at the same time i right that i know that my past behavior is something i need to show won't happen again. what specifically i have to make up i'm not sure. i'm doing some pennance for partying? for taking my mind of my studies? sometimes i'm frustrated that i can't take my mind off of them for too long without loosing ground, and because i see others who can balance a less-focused lifestyle yet still seemingly succede. but i don't know why i'd be jealous because obviously that lifestyle is not for me. and the over-acheiver totally prepared sober 24/7 straigh-laced thing isn't for me either. but there certainly is room for a middle ground. what it all boils down to is me trying to be other things and everything so that people will love me. what i'm learning now is how to be myself and let that be loved. it certainly hasn't been easy. there are people who i don't see nearly as often because our mentalities differ. and there are people i'd love to see more but our priorities and responsibilities differ. although i must say that everytime i find the time to enjoy myself socially these days i'm not wasting it by sitting around and being blase about life. amusement is such an accomplishment now, instead of a pre-requisite. not to say i have to work hard, but being able to reward myself for hard work by a coupla hours here and there of smiles makes both the work and smiles more rewarding. the only drawback right now is that this new balance is something harder to get used to and sometimes i feel like i'm not having enough fun and i'm getting depressed or something. and then i just remember my goals and it's not so hard.
my goals... haha. hmmmm... my immediate goal is to keep working hard through the end of the school year. that's another new ajustment, hard work. i've never really had to work all that hard at anything. at the same time i've never really achieved anything so stellar without some hard work. my only concern is that all this hard work pay off. i wish i knew if my teachers know how hard i'm trying. mostly at hartt. my history and french class work is really just slightly above normal work ethic, but i'm pushing myself at hartt. i get worried that maybe i'm not working hard enough? will i blame myself if i get asked to leave the program in a couple of weeks? is that possible? could my hartt career be over inspite of my dedication. is my dedication enough? is hartt actually worth it? annmarie's movement class is a joy. sometimes i don't know where she's coming from or where this work is headed but i simple enjoy working with her. "reckless" was a blessing in everyway. i wish i would have let myself enjoy it more instead of being so so so worried about it's outcome. i think i'm making progress in Voice & Speech, though that remains to be seen. i suppose i get less notes. i think i should stop waiting for someone else's approval and just be, however someone else's approval is what my college experience will come down to. i shudder to think that it will come down to Diana's opinion. she frustrates me so because i can't get a read on her, and it frustrates me further that she seems to believe she knows me so well, when in reality i don't think she gives a damn about me at all. that's tough. but alli packer says she didn't get along with her either, and i trust alli more than most.
my mom told me to lay everything out in front of me, and assess my options. the first thing that comes up is how much i want to work in this program and make it work for me, and work with it. i want to be in the show's that are chosen for the fall. i want to go to england next year and study with my class and become really good friends with them and be happy to go to class. and there are days and times when i believe that is reality, that that is possible, that is what is happening and will continue to happen. but every now and then i get a feeling that it's not working. that usually happens when some form of judgement enters in and i start feeling not good enough or feeling like someone thinks i'm not good enough. after that my first thought is to bail. but to where? the english department? and a B.A. in Creative Writing? would that be the end of my acting career before it started? i believe i need the training that the Hartt school can supply. my chances of making it are much harder without this path. why should i choose to make things harder for myself.
why can't i say i believe in myself without knowing if someone else believes in me too? i can't say that i'm good enough or worth it until i hear diana or alan or annmarie or bob or henry say it first. is that a problem? because there are times when i'm sure i'm talented and full of possibilities but then someone doesn't openly share that thought and i start feeling like one of those rejects from american idol who believe in themselves to the point of tears only to have their dreams shattered by a brit, mariah's producer, and a sluring washed up pop-star. sure there are other paths to take to a recording contract for those fallen idols and there are other paths that i could take to be a working actor. but i don't want to take any other path. this is what i want.
i'm determined to make this work but i know all the determination in the world may not matter any more then money or beauty or anger. it comes down to luck then?
well i've always been rather lucky. things always seem to work out somehow. i'm certain things will work out somehow. i just really really wish i knew how they'd work out, but something tells me that's not for me to worry about and i should just place my trust in destiny and fate and god and life. too bad those are really hard things to depend on sometimes.
sigh.
in any case thanks for listening whoever is listening. if you have any thoughts i'd love to hear them, because i'm open to suggestion.
this felt really good so i'll probably have a lot more to say in the near future.
:)