Just a spoonful of sugar
Characters: Sha Gojyo (lecherous_kappa) and Ginia Solana (silentbartender)
When: Friday morning, April 10th
Where: Kitchen of the Saiyukiyaki house
Rating: PG-13 (Gojyo)
Summary: Gojyo and Ginia sit down to sort out their problems and insecurities.
Gojyo came into the kitchen and just watched her stand over the stove, letting a few seconds pass. "Hey," he said when the silence felt too long. "Uh. Are you busy? There's... yeah. Shit, I don't know. This event is fucking wrong, but maybe it's not all bad from it."
Ginia was making herself a pot of tea and quietly contemplating whether or not it would be a good idea to try to keep herself awake for the rest of the night or risk visiting someone else’s mind and leaving her own mind open to visitors when she heard someone enter the room, only turning and giving a small smile when Gojyo spoke.
/Not really. I’m just waiting for the water to boil. What do you want to talk about?/
In some ways she was glad Gojyo had spoken up first. She knew there was plenty to discuss and sort out, even more so after visiting his mind the previous night, but she didn’t know where to begin or even what to say.
"Tea. That has caffeine, right? I could use some too if there's enough." He pulled up a chair and turned it backwards, straddling it. It gave him a second to gather what scattered thoughts he had. In the end, there really was only one answer he could give to that question. "Us." He shrugged, trying to make it seem less serious than his tone implied. "I don't know what's going on, what all of this shit means, or anything. I'm in over my head, and I have been for a while, and I don't mind because I love you, but I'd like to find an air pocket or something. I can't... I just... Dammit. I'm shit at making sense, you know that. But..." He pushed his hand through his hair. "If I'm not what you want, I understand. I'm not much, and I'm even less than I thought I was. I just want to know."
Ginia leaned back against the counter and tilted her head toward the ceiling, studying the odd scorch mark and wondering when that had gotten up there while trying to come up with an answer that made sense or find a proper place to begin.
/…I don’t know, Gojyo. I love you too, but…/
She hated that word. ‘But’ meant there was a catch or a contradiction and she sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand before moving to grab her own chair to sit across from Gojyo.
/I suppose I could be saying the same thing. Your words, I mean. I know I’ve hurt you lately by not telling you about everything and leaving you out and I dragged you to the clinic with me because I was worrying about nothing. And… I know I’ll never match up to Hakkai. So I need to know where I am too. Where we are. And I don’t know anymore, but I know I don’t want to lose you because that would hurt you and because I love you./
He hadn’t been eager to start this conversation because he knew that there was more than a fair chance she’d end things. She had to be disappointed in him, from the clinic to what had been said in her mind to what had happened in his. Gojyo was used to disappointing people, no matter how hard he tried not to. It just happened.
“Dragging me to the clinic… wasn’t dragging me. I asked Unohana. You brought it up in the first place, but that wasn’t your fault. I… I’m sorry that I can’t… shit. That I’m not anything. I’m not smart, I’m not human, I’m not a demon, I’m not clever, and I’m damn sure not a man. You didn’t do that, though.”
But her statement still had validity. “I just... dammit, Ginia. Everyone fucking leaves. I get shut out, and they’re gone, or I get shut out and they try to kill me and then they’re gone. That hurts more than any fucking worrying would do. You know who all has left. Hell, you’ve met two of them, and Hakkai said that Sanzo left too, though that’s my future. So you know two, Sanzo and my brother, and you’ve met one of the ones who tried to kill me. I can’t take being shut out. I can’t. I know you don’t mean it like that, but… it says I’m not good enough to be trusted.”
Gojyo looked at the wall, to where Hakkai could very well be. “When my mom was here, you were the one that gave a damn. You had your own shit to deal with too, and you still cared about mine. When things go down here… you’re the one I look for. He was in my heart first, yeah. But… he doesn’t come before you anymore. In the beginning, sure. You were a hot fuck buddy. And then you kept being there, and… yeah. I love you. I don’t love him more.”
/Gojyo. I don’t care what you are and what you say you aren’t. You will always be Gojyo and that’s all that matters to me. No one can be anything they aren’t. Yes, we can all change and improve ourselves in different ways and life can mess us up in ways we would have never thought possible, but… how much of us really changes in the end?/
The tea pot whistled and she bolt up to quickly remove it off the stove, giving Gojyo an apologetic glance. The timing was horrible and she laughed awkwardly while she prepared the two cups of tea and let them steep while she returned to her seat.
/I know all about people leaving. In a different way, yes, but… after my family was killed and I woke up from my coma, I spent a lot of time wondering what would happen next. Would I spend the rest of my life in the hospital? Would anyone come and get me? Where would I live, what would I do? A few times I tried to kill myself. Maybe I could meet with my family and it’d be okay. I wouldn’t be alone anymore. After I got out of the hospital, I lived on the street. I joined up with other homeless people and sometimes lived with hunters and worked as a waitress here and there for money, but I didn’t have a place or anyone.
/Jack was the first person who took me in without trying to hurt me or without any hidden purpose. He simply felt bad for me and… I didn’t plan on living with him, but that’s what happened. And one day, he left on a job and I never saw him again. I didn’t meet Evan until a few years later and…/
She stopped and looked down. Talking about former lovers was bad form and she quickly shook her head, changing the subject.
/Maybe I do have some trust issues. I know being a hunter has made it difficult to connect with people on any sort of level. Even Erika… well. That doesn’t matter now. I guess I’m too stubborn for my own good as well. It was my problem and… I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m really sorry, Gojyo./
Ginia turned to look at the wall as well before looking back at Gojyo. /You were there for me too. After I was poisoned, you came and got me, and when Avery was around, you hunt- …chased me down. …You didn’t leave me behind. And that means a lot to me./
Gojyo got up and went over to her, taking her hand in his. Studying it, he wove his fingers in and out of hers before pulling it up to kiss the back of it. He’s always been better at showing things than saying them, but he knows that he can’t just take the easy way this time. They need this talk if things are going to work, and he really, really wants them to. The last thing he wants is to lose her. Or Hakkai. But Hakkai is a different matter, and it’s Ginia in front of him now.
Meeting her eyes, he nods. “I forgive you. I want to, I’m glad to. But…” Does he have any right to ask? He doesn’t know. But this is something Gojyo feels he needs to ask. “Please. Can you not leave me out again? I’m not talking silly shit. Feel free to run off for a day and fool around with friends without saying anything, make food with the monkey, whatever. That’s fine. But… when it matters. I will worry. That’s part of giving a damn about someone. Worrying doesn’t sting, or make me wonder if this time you’re not coming back, if this time you’re going to tell me it’s none of my business and to fuck off.
“You’ve been hurt and left behind. That means you know what it feels like. And yeah, I sound like a wimp right about now, asking and pleading and shit for this. But I need this. I need to feel that no matter what a fuck-up I am, I’ll be your fuck-up, the one you will come back to and won’t just leave behind. I know you love me. But I know Ji-Doku loves me too, and he still left. He didn’t say a word, just turned around and was gone.
“I thought I was fine on my own, and then I had to pick up some idiot off the road and scoop his guts back into him, and then a grumpy-assed priest and his annoying-as-hell monkey had to drop by, and I was stuck caring about people and wanting them to care back.” Gojyo blinks. “It probably doesn’t matter to this, but I think that’s what I lost during that fucked-up game, too. Caring and wanting to care about others. What was left for you was self-serving, and the others… I didn’t even know that shit was valuable. And now it is, and even when it hurts I don’t want it to be different.”
He placed a hand over her heart. “Please. Let me in, the whole way. I can’t promise I won’t fuck up, since it’s what I seem to do best. But I can promise I’ll do everything I can for you.”
Ginia set her hand on Gojyo’s chest and lightly traced the gunshot scar against his heart before covering the hand over her heart with her own, tightly lacing her fingers around his and raising his hand to kiss it. He was entirely right. Caring and loving and being there meant being there no matter what happened; the good, the bad, the things messed up because of the Animus, everything.
/I promise. I’ll let you in and trust you, and I can’t promise I won’t be stubborn and try to take on the world by myself, but I’ll be honest with you and not keep any secrets from you and I won’t leave you behind. But you have to promise the same too. It goes both ways. That you won’t leave me behind and you’ll be honest with me. Relationships are mutual./
She pauses before leaning in to kiss him, sealing the promise between them.
Gojyo smiles at the kiss, hope starting to come back to his eyes. If she wasn’t happy she wouldn’t be kissing him, after all. And definitely not so gently.
He nods, relaxing. “I promise. I won’t leave you behind, and I’ll be honest with you. I… damn.” The profanity is spoken softly, with a bit of marvel in the tone. “That makes once when me talking fixed shit. Maybe I don’t mess up everything.” Gently wrapping his arms around her, he kisses her back. It’s slow and lingering, and while it’s not precisely everything he wants at the moment, it’s certainly everything he needs. And in the end, it means he does have everything he wants.
Ginia slowly breaks the kiss, though a part of her very strongly wants to continue on, and gently laces her hand through his hair, letting his hair run through her fingers. Things would be okay, everything was going to be all right.
/You don’t mess things up, Gojyo, really,/ she responds after unlacing her fingers from his hair. Looking at him, she’s reminded of the little boy who wanted nothing more than to please his mother and she smiles softly at him. /Gojyo… please don’t think I’m insane, but… did you like playing hide-and-seek as a child?/
He leans his head into the touch, glad of the fact that he’s not trying to pull back at all. There’s no urge to have her fingers away from his hair, no shame in it. That, if nothing else, speaks to him. He nuzzles her neck while she touches him. It’s good, reassuring, to have the physical contact.
Pulling back away so he can see what she’s signing, he smiles a bit wryly. “I have talent when it comes to screwing things up. It’s been proven. This, though, is working, and I’m glad.” The question is a little odd. Gojyo grins. “I fucking sucked at hide-and-seek when I was playing it. I was always impatient and peeking to s-Oh shit. Shit. That… that wasn’t just a dream either, was it? Like with Unohana. You were really there.” He closes his eyes for a second as the bits he remembers come back. Opening them again, he shakes his head. “Damn. And you started out at… see? Even when I have no control over things, I can fuck them up. I told you, talent.”
She laughed quietly and kissed his forehead. While ending up in an Arabian Nights style harem hadn’t been something she’d expected, she supposed it wasn’t too surprising for him and his mind.
/Should I be looking for velvet pillows, silk curtains, and a harem girl outfit?/ she teased gently before shaking her head again. /But yes, I suppose I was in your mind. You were an adorable child. And…/
Ginia wasn’t sure whether or not she should mention more about what she saw. While granted, she had only looked at the two memories, those had been his personal memories and his thoughts and she had intruded on something very private, as unintentional as it was. But at the same time, she had just promised to be honest with him about things and it wouldn’t do to go back on that now.
/You may already know, but I went inside the house that look like our apartment and… well, I looked at a memory about me and one about Hakkai. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude like that./
The teasing was a good sign too. “I’d love to see you in a harem girl outfit,” he teased back. “I love to see you in all sorts of things. And out of them too. Out is best.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, bringing her against him and touching his kissed forehead to hers. “Shit. That’s only going to give Doku more teasing fodder, if he hears other people calling me adorable.” Gojyo rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
At her admission, he nodded. “I don’t remember all of it, but I don’t blame you. They were there and shit. And about the emotions…” He hesitated for a brief moment. He doesn’t know if she felt them or not, but he certainly had in his dream. “The bad shit wasn’t about you. It was for you, if it makes any sense. Women want kids, or that’s what people say. And I hate being a disappointment. But I wind up disappointing people too damn often.”
And now… it was only fair, after all. “I wound up in yours too. Talked, saw some shit… You were damn cute too, you know, with big gorgeous eyes that are still gorgeous. I’m glad as hell you were really small and not some teenager, though. Because I can avoid hitting on the really small ones, and hitting on a younger you would have been all kinds of confusing.”
/Someday,/ she commented with a mischievous smile. As long as everything stayed in the bedroom (or the room of their choice) and never got out to the rest of the city, she didn’t mind some sexual exploration. Dressing up for a mutual experience beat out dressing up for a job any day. /And isn’t that what siblings do? But I’ll be quiet around him and not give him anything to tease you about./
Ginia paused and gently stroked his cheek. Yes, she had felt the emotions too, but she had thought they had been about her. And children… /Gojyo…I admit yes, I wouldn’t mind settling down somewhere nice with someone and maybe having a family of my own, but I don’t think any less of you. Besides… there’s always adoption. But you’re not a disappointment, not to me at all./
She leaned in and gave him a slow kiss, hand still stroking his cheek before looking a little surprised, he had been in her mind? She searched back, trying to remember things, though coming up blank. /When was that? I…don’t remember that./
Gojyo grinned. “I’ll start looking. I think a deep purple would be magnificent on your skin.” He leaned in and kissed her neck softly. “Every inch of it.” He laughed at the sibling comment. “That’s one of the things he’s best at, teasing me. But thanks, beautiful Ginia.”
His grip around her becomes a tight squeeze when she says he doesn’t disappoint her. He doesn’t have the words to respond to that, but his eyes meet hers, awash in soft gratitude. Gojyo slides a hand up her back, embracing her more. The grin had faded into a soft smile, but it grew a bit more amused as he leaned forward and kissed her nose.
As her lips met his he kissed back, licking at her lips. Gojyo didn’t want to dwell on what he’d been told in her dream, but he can at least answer her question and keep things a little on the vague side… but he can’t do that now, can he? That would be trying to protect her from shit. “Tuesday night. I talked to little you, pushed her on the swings, went to what looked like it would be a happy memory and instead got to see the third time you met Erika, then your little self lead me to someone who wanted to see me. I think she was your emotions or something, and the cage was your inhibitions? Hell, I don’t know. Then I fucked up and thought hey, if the happy-looking shit was rough, and that person of yours was on display, maybe the happy shit is actually locked up. So I unlocked something, and it wasn’t happy.”
Tuesday night… she silently repeated the day back and furrowed her brow in thought. A little version of her inside? A part of her locked up in a cage? It affirmed what Goku had said in their earlier conversation and she pressed a hand against her cheek in thought, but couldn’t find any answers. Perhaps they were nothing more than representations created by her mind, but she had a feeling there was something deeper to that. But she pushed the thought aside and focused on the memories he had seen. The night she ran into Erika for the third time flashed through her mind and she gave a quiet laugh and blushed a little.
/…I’m sorry you had to see how I met Erika. It was… well, I’m very glad she came when she did. But… can I ask what else you saw?/
“At least you can laugh about almost getting attacked,” Gojyo said, a little surprised by the reaction.
He didn’t want to answer her question right away, instead leaning down to kiss her very hard and quite thoroughly. For a good long moment he enjoyed it, before he pulled his mouth back away from hers. His hand rubbed a circle on her back. He wanted her to know that he was there, because he knew that bringing it up was going to be painful for her. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke. “I saw the attack on your family. I’m… I’m glad me opening that door so stupidly didn’t force you to relive it, and I’m sorry. After that I was done. I didn’t even want to find something happy anymore.” He held her without a clue as to how she might react.
/I’ve learned to laugh about a lot of things, as horrible as they are. Sometimes it’s the best way to move on or forget something. Other times, it’s better than crying or being mad about it. It was a long time ago. The three men are dead now./
Her signs were calm and controlled, but hints of lingering bitterness made the signs a little sharper and quicker and a small frown had crossed her face, quickly erased when she was drawn into a kiss. She pressed against him, both slightly confused by the sudden intensity, but also drawn into the passion and care behind it and her mind was swimming when he released her from the kiss, though not from his arms. She sighed a little, knowing with any less restraint she might have taken him on the kitchen floor right then (though that was sounding like a better and better idea as time progressed), but at his words her breath caught a little and she froze.
That night. The bar. He had seen all of it. Even if the attack had been years ago, she still paled a little, memories snapping through her mind and jerking her around. Momma, face broken and bleeding when they slammed a heavy bottle into it. Amelia, choking and gagging on her own fingers. Papa, forced to watch all of it, unable to do anything before he was slowly gutted and torn apart. And the man who had taken Avery’s place, shot and beaten and forced to eat broken glass.
And her. The sole survivor. And he had witnessed it all.
/…I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see that,/ was her reply before her head fell onto his shoulder.
Gojyo nodded in acknowledgment. “Better to joke and laugh than have people worried about you. Better to put them at ease than deal with shit. I know how that one goes.” Thinking like that, her reaction made more sense.
He’d been ready to jump her for a bit now, but they needed this talk, so he’d been behaving. Though pushing her up against the wall and making her forget everything that ever hurt her was more than tempting. Or the table. Or the floor. He wasn’t actually all that picky when he knew for certain that someplace was clean. Hell, he’d been not picky about dirty places before too.
“Which would be why the door was barred. Yeah. But I’m the idiot that thought it was opposite day in Ginia-land. It was my own damn fault for being a fucking idiot, and letting her words get to me. I’m bad at thinking straight. And it’s not your fault at all.” Gojyo laced his fingers through her hair, rocking her gently. And then exactly what he’d just said sunk in, and he could have smacked himself. Have shovel, will dig self in deeper.
Maybe it was time for a distraction tactic. He was good at being distracting, and she could really use it right about now. One hand slid down a little, just within the waist of her pants in the back as he held her to him, and he shifted so he could sort-of kiss the side of her head. This was a bit of a bad angle, but he didn’t want to take comfort away from her either. Gojyo wanted things to stop hurting her.
Her again. The idea and all the possible implications about a person who could speak and say something enough to upset Gojyo and Goku prior worried her greatly. Had her words been some unconscious expression of what she felt or something else? Even while relaxing into the hand on her back and smiling at the kiss to the side of her head, she looked at him, worry on her face.
/…Gojyo, what did she say to you? What did she look like, who is she?/
She took a deep breath and sighed slowly, knowing it would be impossible for him to answer the last question if she didn’t even know it herself and that was someone within her own mind. She braced herself for his words, sensing she might not like what she was going to hear.
Gojyo sighed. He seriously needed to learn how to stop talking. All he ever did was stick his foot in his mouth. Well, maybe not. He did have his arms around Ginia. Talking was getting them somewhere, at least. He eyed her and shook his head. “I don’t know who the hell she was. Your little self was scared of her, and didn’t want anything to do with her. She looked exactly like you, down to the cleavage.”
He nuzzles against her neck. “She said stupid shit. That you’ve had better, I’m casual sex, I’m not your number one, I’ll never be your number one, and I’m not even your third or fourth choice.” And everything she’d said, besides the casual bit, stung because Gojyo could see it being true. What idiot would pick him first anyways? Sure, he was magnificent in bed, but she’d had plenty.
With a deep breath, Gojyo pushed down his insecurities. He had too many, and a lack of sleep from seeing or hearing his mother every fucking night wasn’t helping. He pulled his head up and looked her in the eyes, hoping his gaze was steady. “I don’t know who she was, and I know I’m not just casual sex. So she and her words don’t matter. I’d be proud to prove that you that I am at least one of the best in bed you have had and will ever have, if not the very best.” He grinned, glad his words were at least working on him.
Ginia’s mouth went dry and she blinked at his words, unable to believe what she was hearing. Even if she couldn’t deny there would always be a place in her heart reserved for Evan and there would never be anyone else like him, she loved Gojyo, not just for the sex, and if she had to rank him in comparison to her other lovers, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to. Though he’d be at the top of the list. Under Evan. Maybe. She wasn’t even sure about things anymore.
/…I need something to drink./ she signed quickly before moving away from him to get her tea from the counter. It was already cold and lacking the usual sugar she put in her tea, but she still drank it anyway. Even if the words weren’t true, she, or some part of her, had still said them. A part that looked exactly like her, and was locked up behind a cage. Cruelty and anger, perhaps? But even that didn’t make any sense.
The memory of her torturing the man with her knife flashed through her mind and she almost dropped her teacup in surprise. While she couldn’t deny the violence of her actions, she also couldn’t deny how good it felt to get revenge on the person who had tortured her sister. All of them had been hunted down in a similar fashion and she didn’t feel bad about it. Though she did remember how Erika had said nothing when she handed over a towel so she could wipe her face clean.
”Are you happy now, Alice?”
Erika’s words crossed her mind and she quickly looked back at Gojyo. /…Did she give a name or anything?/
The grin had been cleanly wiped from his face when all she’d said was that she needed her tea. Gojyo let go, staring. She hadn’t denied a bit of it. His arms dangled uselessly at his sides while he leaned against the wall. Well. So it was completely true, then. He managed to stop staring, and looked down at his feet. He’d been a fool to think things were that easily taken care of, an idiot to hope that for once maybe he did come first.
Catching sight of her hands moving, he drew his gaze back up. “Uh. No. No name.” Damn. She hadn’t even denied the casual sex. Which meant… she loved him but he was replaceable, basically. That seemed to fit the situation.
Gojyo suddenly remembered that he’d forgotten to mention the hospital stay, but it probably didn’t matter. Especially now. She would be busy trying to figure out the cage, and he needed to keep a poker face until he could get out and beat the shit out of a building and himself. “Right. Tea.” He pushed off of the wall and fixed the drink, keeping his head down. He’s all-too-aware of the fact that his eyes show too much sometimes, and she’s got her own issues to deal with.
Ginia looked back at her tea. Could that be Alice? It seemed to make sense. There were times when it felt like it was less her carrying out a job, but someone else, the same when she had been afflicted by wrath though that been more to an extreme level. The more she thought on it, the more it scared her. What would it mean if that cage was broken and that other version of Ginia was free?
She looked over at Gojyo and quickly walked over to him, embracing him tightly. While she couldn’t take back the words her mind had already said, she could try to ease his concerns. /Gojyo, please don’t listen to those words. You aren’t just for casual sex, you aren’t. I’m sorry, no one will ever be able to replace Evan, not you, not Hakkai, not anyone else because no one else can be Evan, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less or place any less value on you. I love you and I want you and right now I’m scared because if there’s another side of me that would intentionally hurt you…/
Her signs trailed off and she looked at him before hugging him tightly again. She wouldn’t let that other side get out. She couldn’t.
Gojyo’s eyes search hers. He’s not going to open his mouth very quickly this time, but he’s reading the signs. Finally he closed his eyes, holding her back. “I… Look. I know you didn’t get any sort of prize when you got me. I know what I’m worth. And I know I’m too fucking insecure. I just...” Just sucked with words, sucked at life, pretty much sucked in general.
“I wasn’t listening to them until you didn’t say anything, and I didn’t know what else to think. I’m not smart, and sometimes the obvious answer is easy to reach. And I’m short on sleep, which doesn’t help me make sense of shit. When I fall asleep I’m in some other person’s mind or I’m dealing with my mom crying, which I thought I was done dealing with. But since Sunday…” when Unohana had been in his mind. He couldn’t remember many specifics inside his own mind, but there had been a key that fell, and that’s when the crying had started again. “Damn. There’s got to be something I can do about it.”
Gojyo shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. “I’m used to being hurt. I deal. You don’t have to worry about it. I just… I’ve got one question. What happens if Evan shows up here?” Kanan had shown up, and Hakkai actually seemed to have healed from it. But she’d only been temporary.
/I’m sorry, I’m not making much sense either and there’s too much on my mind. It’s an excuse, I know, but… it’s disorienting to see your own death. And then learn you were buried./
Her death hadn’t left her mind, not since it came to her early Monday morning, jolting her out of her sleep and leaving her shaking. She knew she had died, but to see it, to feel everything again, had shattered the already cracking foundation she had set long ago. And then knowing she had been buried and come back to life brought up new questions. While Unohana said she believed there was nothing inside the grave and Ginia was prone to believe her, what if there was something? What if some part of her was still down in that grave? What would that mean? If there was a body down there, then who was she?
But it wasn’t all about her, not when they all had their problems. She gently stroked his cheek and ran her hand over his chest before signing again. /If I could silence her, I would. I’m sorry I can’t. And of course I worry. That’s a part of caring./
When Evan was brought up, she slumped a little. It was a thought that had crossed her mind several times, still crossed her mind. It was in the same vein of what if the rest of her family appeared, either before or after their deaths, and became permanent residents. That would make her happier more than anything to see them again, to talk to them, to hold them again. But Evan was different.
/…I don’t know. Yes, I love him, but there was a point where I accepted the fact he was dead and I would never see him again. Here changes things because he might come. I highly doubt it, but I wouldn’t rule it out. And… yes, I would be happy to see him. It would be odd though, awkward even. I was young when I met him, I’d built a world around him since he was all I had. He gave me stability and a new life. I’m older now and I’ve seen a lot more and I’m not the same person. I don’t know if he’d still love me now. I’m not the Ginia I used to be./
“Buried? Shit.” He didn’t know anyone got buried here, since they came back. “That’s creepy as hell. Did you… when you came back, you didn’t have to dig yourself out or anything?” It was a little disturbing to think about, and he really didn’t want his mind to dwell on her being dead.
He leaned into her touch with a small smile. “I know. Maybe it will stop on its own when this shit is over.” The smile got a little wry. That was basically what he’d said, wasn’t it. “Damn. When I say stupid shit it backfires, and when I say things that make sense they get used right back on me. I’m going to start using pictures. I’ll communicate through stick people.”
Gojyo reached up, rubbing her shoulders when they slumped. He’d known it wouldn’t be an easy question, but he had to ask it. He didn’t want to get replaced. “So… if he comes… I’ve still got you? I can’t stop you from loving him, I don’t want to try, and I don’t even think I could. But I’d like to know that here… here I’m up there in your choice list. She wasn’t lying when she said you could have just about anyone. I’ve seen how others talk to you, I’ve heard shit.” His voice becomes quieter, his eyes not quite meeting hers. “I don’t want to lose you. If you left me…” Gojyo didn’t have the words to finish that. He doesn’t know how he’d deal with it. One day, the world will end this. He knows it. Either he’ll be pulled back home, or she will be, or the scientists would ‘fix’ whatever they’d done. Whatever causes it, he will lose her. “If you left me intentionally, I…” At least that was more clear. And still incomplete. But there wasn’t much he could do about it.
/They didn’t know about the dead coming back to life, not before I died./ Looking at her words, she felt even more pathetic. She was the first to die, an example for everyone for what happened when you died and came back to life. /But I… I don’t remember. I don’t think I dug myself out, I just… no, I don’t think I did. There was someone waiting for me, he…/
It all went back to a past lover in some way or another, but this was one lover she couldn’t remember, not in any sort of detail. She looked away slightly. /His name was Zeruel. Michio. I’m not sure which one it was, but we were together. He… told me that. My death was faked. And then I disappeared and didn’t know him when I came back. He defended my bar after I broke in. To play the piano. We fought. He threw me into a table and broke my ribs, I shot him and ran. We talked again and then… he disappeared. I don’t remember too much else about him./
She grew quiet and looked down. She must have loved him, deeply if patterns were to be repeated. But it brought back the worst of her fears, disappearing a second time and forgetting about everyone or dying and losing her memories. She glanced at Gojyo and tried to smile at him, but it felt empty. She was done with crying and being upset over things, but she wasn’t in the mood to smile, not yet at least.
/…You still have me if you still want me. You and Hakkai, there’s no one else I love around here as much as I love you two. Alle and Lockon… they’re brothers to me, though we’re slowly rebuilding our relationship. A lot has changed and we’re… we’re rebuilding. Slowly. But I won’t leave you, not if I can help it. I’ll kick and claw and fight if the scientists or Animus or anyone else try to drag me away, not without… not without trying to say goodbye./
Ginia’s head fell back down and her hand balled into a fist. She could feel something snapping inside her, some last barrier or wall or front she kept up beginning to crumble. Tears beginning to stream down her cheek, she looked at him with a determined expression and quickly wiped her tears away and took a deep breath.
/…If they take me away, I’m finding my way back to you. I don’t care what it’ll take. I’m coming back to you./
“If you’ve got to do something, be the first to do it. I bet you scared the shit out of them, coming back.” And there was another lover to add to the list here, it seemed. Not like he had the least cause to judge or be jealous, he’d slept his way across half of Asia so far, practically. At least he hadn’t met the guy. Alle and Lockon he had. And they didn’t remember, so that made things easier on him too.
Gojyo leaned down and kissed her softly. “I want you. I want you so damn badly, Ginia. I will do everything I can to stay by your side for as long as you want me.”
/If you’re setting a standard, set it high. But from what I remember, it had been a surprise to everyone./ she vaguely remembered meeting with some people to discuss the experience. Ms. Unohana, perhaps? It certainly seemed likely. A part of her wished there were others around who remembered the incident and could shed more light on it, but perhaps it was for the best. It wouldn’t change anything.
She returned the kiss, keeping it soft and gentle but filled with passion and need. Her body pressed close to his and ground slowly against him, not caring in the slightest if they were caught in the kitchen by any of their other housemates. Maybe Hakkai would wander by. He was certainly free to join them.
Pulling away from the kiss, she moved back enough to sign, /I want you and Hakkai for forever, but I want you here. Now./ before holding and kissing him again.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been the first to do something, though I’m the first in a while to have the Shakujo. Then again, it startled the hell out of me just as much as anyone else.” He shrugged, and started getting into the kiss. It wasn’t hard as she moved against him, and he moved right back.
Reading the signs, he grinned. “Same here, beautiful Ginia.” Gladly Gojyo slipped his hands into her shirt. If talks all ended like this, he wouldn’t ever mind having one with her.
When: Friday morning, April 10th
Where: Kitchen of the Saiyukiyaki house
Rating: PG-13 (Gojyo)
Summary: Gojyo and Ginia sit down to sort out their problems and insecurities.
Gojyo came into the kitchen and just watched her stand over the stove, letting a few seconds pass. "Hey," he said when the silence felt too long. "Uh. Are you busy? There's... yeah. Shit, I don't know. This event is fucking wrong, but maybe it's not all bad from it."
Ginia was making herself a pot of tea and quietly contemplating whether or not it would be a good idea to try to keep herself awake for the rest of the night or risk visiting someone else’s mind and leaving her own mind open to visitors when she heard someone enter the room, only turning and giving a small smile when Gojyo spoke.
/Not really. I’m just waiting for the water to boil. What do you want to talk about?/
In some ways she was glad Gojyo had spoken up first. She knew there was plenty to discuss and sort out, even more so after visiting his mind the previous night, but she didn’t know where to begin or even what to say.
"Tea. That has caffeine, right? I could use some too if there's enough." He pulled up a chair and turned it backwards, straddling it. It gave him a second to gather what scattered thoughts he had. In the end, there really was only one answer he could give to that question. "Us." He shrugged, trying to make it seem less serious than his tone implied. "I don't know what's going on, what all of this shit means, or anything. I'm in over my head, and I have been for a while, and I don't mind because I love you, but I'd like to find an air pocket or something. I can't... I just... Dammit. I'm shit at making sense, you know that. But..." He pushed his hand through his hair. "If I'm not what you want, I understand. I'm not much, and I'm even less than I thought I was. I just want to know."
Ginia leaned back against the counter and tilted her head toward the ceiling, studying the odd scorch mark and wondering when that had gotten up there while trying to come up with an answer that made sense or find a proper place to begin.
/…I don’t know, Gojyo. I love you too, but…/
She hated that word. ‘But’ meant there was a catch or a contradiction and she sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand before moving to grab her own chair to sit across from Gojyo.
/I suppose I could be saying the same thing. Your words, I mean. I know I’ve hurt you lately by not telling you about everything and leaving you out and I dragged you to the clinic with me because I was worrying about nothing. And… I know I’ll never match up to Hakkai. So I need to know where I am too. Where we are. And I don’t know anymore, but I know I don’t want to lose you because that would hurt you and because I love you./
He hadn’t been eager to start this conversation because he knew that there was more than a fair chance she’d end things. She had to be disappointed in him, from the clinic to what had been said in her mind to what had happened in his. Gojyo was used to disappointing people, no matter how hard he tried not to. It just happened.
“Dragging me to the clinic… wasn’t dragging me. I asked Unohana. You brought it up in the first place, but that wasn’t your fault. I… I’m sorry that I can’t… shit. That I’m not anything. I’m not smart, I’m not human, I’m not a demon, I’m not clever, and I’m damn sure not a man. You didn’t do that, though.”
But her statement still had validity. “I just... dammit, Ginia. Everyone fucking leaves. I get shut out, and they’re gone, or I get shut out and they try to kill me and then they’re gone. That hurts more than any fucking worrying would do. You know who all has left. Hell, you’ve met two of them, and Hakkai said that Sanzo left too, though that’s my future. So you know two, Sanzo and my brother, and you’ve met one of the ones who tried to kill me. I can’t take being shut out. I can’t. I know you don’t mean it like that, but… it says I’m not good enough to be trusted.”
Gojyo looked at the wall, to where Hakkai could very well be. “When my mom was here, you were the one that gave a damn. You had your own shit to deal with too, and you still cared about mine. When things go down here… you’re the one I look for. He was in my heart first, yeah. But… he doesn’t come before you anymore. In the beginning, sure. You were a hot fuck buddy. And then you kept being there, and… yeah. I love you. I don’t love him more.”
/Gojyo. I don’t care what you are and what you say you aren’t. You will always be Gojyo and that’s all that matters to me. No one can be anything they aren’t. Yes, we can all change and improve ourselves in different ways and life can mess us up in ways we would have never thought possible, but… how much of us really changes in the end?/
The tea pot whistled and she bolt up to quickly remove it off the stove, giving Gojyo an apologetic glance. The timing was horrible and she laughed awkwardly while she prepared the two cups of tea and let them steep while she returned to her seat.
/I know all about people leaving. In a different way, yes, but… after my family was killed and I woke up from my coma, I spent a lot of time wondering what would happen next. Would I spend the rest of my life in the hospital? Would anyone come and get me? Where would I live, what would I do? A few times I tried to kill myself. Maybe I could meet with my family and it’d be okay. I wouldn’t be alone anymore. After I got out of the hospital, I lived on the street. I joined up with other homeless people and sometimes lived with hunters and worked as a waitress here and there for money, but I didn’t have a place or anyone.
/Jack was the first person who took me in without trying to hurt me or without any hidden purpose. He simply felt bad for me and… I didn’t plan on living with him, but that’s what happened. And one day, he left on a job and I never saw him again. I didn’t meet Evan until a few years later and…/
She stopped and looked down. Talking about former lovers was bad form and she quickly shook her head, changing the subject.
/Maybe I do have some trust issues. I know being a hunter has made it difficult to connect with people on any sort of level. Even Erika… well. That doesn’t matter now. I guess I’m too stubborn for my own good as well. It was my problem and… I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m really sorry, Gojyo./
Ginia turned to look at the wall as well before looking back at Gojyo. /You were there for me too. After I was poisoned, you came and got me, and when Avery was around, you hunt- …chased me down. …You didn’t leave me behind. And that means a lot to me./
Gojyo got up and went over to her, taking her hand in his. Studying it, he wove his fingers in and out of hers before pulling it up to kiss the back of it. He’s always been better at showing things than saying them, but he knows that he can’t just take the easy way this time. They need this talk if things are going to work, and he really, really wants them to. The last thing he wants is to lose her. Or Hakkai. But Hakkai is a different matter, and it’s Ginia in front of him now.
Meeting her eyes, he nods. “I forgive you. I want to, I’m glad to. But…” Does he have any right to ask? He doesn’t know. But this is something Gojyo feels he needs to ask. “Please. Can you not leave me out again? I’m not talking silly shit. Feel free to run off for a day and fool around with friends without saying anything, make food with the monkey, whatever. That’s fine. But… when it matters. I will worry. That’s part of giving a damn about someone. Worrying doesn’t sting, or make me wonder if this time you’re not coming back, if this time you’re going to tell me it’s none of my business and to fuck off.
“You’ve been hurt and left behind. That means you know what it feels like. And yeah, I sound like a wimp right about now, asking and pleading and shit for this. But I need this. I need to feel that no matter what a fuck-up I am, I’ll be your fuck-up, the one you will come back to and won’t just leave behind. I know you love me. But I know Ji-Doku loves me too, and he still left. He didn’t say a word, just turned around and was gone.
“I thought I was fine on my own, and then I had to pick up some idiot off the road and scoop his guts back into him, and then a grumpy-assed priest and his annoying-as-hell monkey had to drop by, and I was stuck caring about people and wanting them to care back.” Gojyo blinks. “It probably doesn’t matter to this, but I think that’s what I lost during that fucked-up game, too. Caring and wanting to care about others. What was left for you was self-serving, and the others… I didn’t even know that shit was valuable. And now it is, and even when it hurts I don’t want it to be different.”
He placed a hand over her heart. “Please. Let me in, the whole way. I can’t promise I won’t fuck up, since it’s what I seem to do best. But I can promise I’ll do everything I can for you.”
Ginia set her hand on Gojyo’s chest and lightly traced the gunshot scar against his heart before covering the hand over her heart with her own, tightly lacing her fingers around his and raising his hand to kiss it. He was entirely right. Caring and loving and being there meant being there no matter what happened; the good, the bad, the things messed up because of the Animus, everything.
/I promise. I’ll let you in and trust you, and I can’t promise I won’t be stubborn and try to take on the world by myself, but I’ll be honest with you and not keep any secrets from you and I won’t leave you behind. But you have to promise the same too. It goes both ways. That you won’t leave me behind and you’ll be honest with me. Relationships are mutual./
She pauses before leaning in to kiss him, sealing the promise between them.
Gojyo smiles at the kiss, hope starting to come back to his eyes. If she wasn’t happy she wouldn’t be kissing him, after all. And definitely not so gently.
He nods, relaxing. “I promise. I won’t leave you behind, and I’ll be honest with you. I… damn.” The profanity is spoken softly, with a bit of marvel in the tone. “That makes once when me talking fixed shit. Maybe I don’t mess up everything.” Gently wrapping his arms around her, he kisses her back. It’s slow and lingering, and while it’s not precisely everything he wants at the moment, it’s certainly everything he needs. And in the end, it means he does have everything he wants.
Ginia slowly breaks the kiss, though a part of her very strongly wants to continue on, and gently laces her hand through his hair, letting his hair run through her fingers. Things would be okay, everything was going to be all right.
/You don’t mess things up, Gojyo, really,/ she responds after unlacing her fingers from his hair. Looking at him, she’s reminded of the little boy who wanted nothing more than to please his mother and she smiles softly at him. /Gojyo… please don’t think I’m insane, but… did you like playing hide-and-seek as a child?/
He leans his head into the touch, glad of the fact that he’s not trying to pull back at all. There’s no urge to have her fingers away from his hair, no shame in it. That, if nothing else, speaks to him. He nuzzles her neck while she touches him. It’s good, reassuring, to have the physical contact.
Pulling back away so he can see what she’s signing, he smiles a bit wryly. “I have talent when it comes to screwing things up. It’s been proven. This, though, is working, and I’m glad.” The question is a little odd. Gojyo grins. “I fucking sucked at hide-and-seek when I was playing it. I was always impatient and peeking to s-Oh shit. Shit. That… that wasn’t just a dream either, was it? Like with Unohana. You were really there.” He closes his eyes for a second as the bits he remembers come back. Opening them again, he shakes his head. “Damn. And you started out at… see? Even when I have no control over things, I can fuck them up. I told you, talent.”
She laughed quietly and kissed his forehead. While ending up in an Arabian Nights style harem hadn’t been something she’d expected, she supposed it wasn’t too surprising for him and his mind.
/Should I be looking for velvet pillows, silk curtains, and a harem girl outfit?/ she teased gently before shaking her head again. /But yes, I suppose I was in your mind. You were an adorable child. And…/
Ginia wasn’t sure whether or not she should mention more about what she saw. While granted, she had only looked at the two memories, those had been his personal memories and his thoughts and she had intruded on something very private, as unintentional as it was. But at the same time, she had just promised to be honest with him about things and it wouldn’t do to go back on that now.
/You may already know, but I went inside the house that look like our apartment and… well, I looked at a memory about me and one about Hakkai. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude like that./
The teasing was a good sign too. “I’d love to see you in a harem girl outfit,” he teased back. “I love to see you in all sorts of things. And out of them too. Out is best.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, bringing her against him and touching his kissed forehead to hers. “Shit. That’s only going to give Doku more teasing fodder, if he hears other people calling me adorable.” Gojyo rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
At her admission, he nodded. “I don’t remember all of it, but I don’t blame you. They were there and shit. And about the emotions…” He hesitated for a brief moment. He doesn’t know if she felt them or not, but he certainly had in his dream. “The bad shit wasn’t about you. It was for you, if it makes any sense. Women want kids, or that’s what people say. And I hate being a disappointment. But I wind up disappointing people too damn often.”
And now… it was only fair, after all. “I wound up in yours too. Talked, saw some shit… You were damn cute too, you know, with big gorgeous eyes that are still gorgeous. I’m glad as hell you were really small and not some teenager, though. Because I can avoid hitting on the really small ones, and hitting on a younger you would have been all kinds of confusing.”
/Someday,/ she commented with a mischievous smile. As long as everything stayed in the bedroom (or the room of their choice) and never got out to the rest of the city, she didn’t mind some sexual exploration. Dressing up for a mutual experience beat out dressing up for a job any day. /And isn’t that what siblings do? But I’ll be quiet around him and not give him anything to tease you about./
Ginia paused and gently stroked his cheek. Yes, she had felt the emotions too, but she had thought they had been about her. And children… /Gojyo…I admit yes, I wouldn’t mind settling down somewhere nice with someone and maybe having a family of my own, but I don’t think any less of you. Besides… there’s always adoption. But you’re not a disappointment, not to me at all./
She leaned in and gave him a slow kiss, hand still stroking his cheek before looking a little surprised, he had been in her mind? She searched back, trying to remember things, though coming up blank. /When was that? I…don’t remember that./
Gojyo grinned. “I’ll start looking. I think a deep purple would be magnificent on your skin.” He leaned in and kissed her neck softly. “Every inch of it.” He laughed at the sibling comment. “That’s one of the things he’s best at, teasing me. But thanks, beautiful Ginia.”
His grip around her becomes a tight squeeze when she says he doesn’t disappoint her. He doesn’t have the words to respond to that, but his eyes meet hers, awash in soft gratitude. Gojyo slides a hand up her back, embracing her more. The grin had faded into a soft smile, but it grew a bit more amused as he leaned forward and kissed her nose.
As her lips met his he kissed back, licking at her lips. Gojyo didn’t want to dwell on what he’d been told in her dream, but he can at least answer her question and keep things a little on the vague side… but he can’t do that now, can he? That would be trying to protect her from shit. “Tuesday night. I talked to little you, pushed her on the swings, went to what looked like it would be a happy memory and instead got to see the third time you met Erika, then your little self lead me to someone who wanted to see me. I think she was your emotions or something, and the cage was your inhibitions? Hell, I don’t know. Then I fucked up and thought hey, if the happy-looking shit was rough, and that person of yours was on display, maybe the happy shit is actually locked up. So I unlocked something, and it wasn’t happy.”
Tuesday night… she silently repeated the day back and furrowed her brow in thought. A little version of her inside? A part of her locked up in a cage? It affirmed what Goku had said in their earlier conversation and she pressed a hand against her cheek in thought, but couldn’t find any answers. Perhaps they were nothing more than representations created by her mind, but she had a feeling there was something deeper to that. But she pushed the thought aside and focused on the memories he had seen. The night she ran into Erika for the third time flashed through her mind and she gave a quiet laugh and blushed a little.
/…I’m sorry you had to see how I met Erika. It was… well, I’m very glad she came when she did. But… can I ask what else you saw?/
“At least you can laugh about almost getting attacked,” Gojyo said, a little surprised by the reaction.
He didn’t want to answer her question right away, instead leaning down to kiss her very hard and quite thoroughly. For a good long moment he enjoyed it, before he pulled his mouth back away from hers. His hand rubbed a circle on her back. He wanted her to know that he was there, because he knew that bringing it up was going to be painful for her. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke. “I saw the attack on your family. I’m… I’m glad me opening that door so stupidly didn’t force you to relive it, and I’m sorry. After that I was done. I didn’t even want to find something happy anymore.” He held her without a clue as to how she might react.
/I’ve learned to laugh about a lot of things, as horrible as they are. Sometimes it’s the best way to move on or forget something. Other times, it’s better than crying or being mad about it. It was a long time ago. The three men are dead now./
Her signs were calm and controlled, but hints of lingering bitterness made the signs a little sharper and quicker and a small frown had crossed her face, quickly erased when she was drawn into a kiss. She pressed against him, both slightly confused by the sudden intensity, but also drawn into the passion and care behind it and her mind was swimming when he released her from the kiss, though not from his arms. She sighed a little, knowing with any less restraint she might have taken him on the kitchen floor right then (though that was sounding like a better and better idea as time progressed), but at his words her breath caught a little and she froze.
That night. The bar. He had seen all of it. Even if the attack had been years ago, she still paled a little, memories snapping through her mind and jerking her around. Momma, face broken and bleeding when they slammed a heavy bottle into it. Amelia, choking and gagging on her own fingers. Papa, forced to watch all of it, unable to do anything before he was slowly gutted and torn apart. And the man who had taken Avery’s place, shot and beaten and forced to eat broken glass.
And her. The sole survivor. And he had witnessed it all.
/…I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see that,/ was her reply before her head fell onto his shoulder.
Gojyo nodded in acknowledgment. “Better to joke and laugh than have people worried about you. Better to put them at ease than deal with shit. I know how that one goes.” Thinking like that, her reaction made more sense.
He’d been ready to jump her for a bit now, but they needed this talk, so he’d been behaving. Though pushing her up against the wall and making her forget everything that ever hurt her was more than tempting. Or the table. Or the floor. He wasn’t actually all that picky when he knew for certain that someplace was clean. Hell, he’d been not picky about dirty places before too.
“Which would be why the door was barred. Yeah. But I’m the idiot that thought it was opposite day in Ginia-land. It was my own damn fault for being a fucking idiot, and letting her words get to me. I’m bad at thinking straight. And it’s not your fault at all.” Gojyo laced his fingers through her hair, rocking her gently. And then exactly what he’d just said sunk in, and he could have smacked himself. Have shovel, will dig self in deeper.
Maybe it was time for a distraction tactic. He was good at being distracting, and she could really use it right about now. One hand slid down a little, just within the waist of her pants in the back as he held her to him, and he shifted so he could sort-of kiss the side of her head. This was a bit of a bad angle, but he didn’t want to take comfort away from her either. Gojyo wanted things to stop hurting her.
Her again. The idea and all the possible implications about a person who could speak and say something enough to upset Gojyo and Goku prior worried her greatly. Had her words been some unconscious expression of what she felt or something else? Even while relaxing into the hand on her back and smiling at the kiss to the side of her head, she looked at him, worry on her face.
/…Gojyo, what did she say to you? What did she look like, who is she?/
She took a deep breath and sighed slowly, knowing it would be impossible for him to answer the last question if she didn’t even know it herself and that was someone within her own mind. She braced herself for his words, sensing she might not like what she was going to hear.
Gojyo sighed. He seriously needed to learn how to stop talking. All he ever did was stick his foot in his mouth. Well, maybe not. He did have his arms around Ginia. Talking was getting them somewhere, at least. He eyed her and shook his head. “I don’t know who the hell she was. Your little self was scared of her, and didn’t want anything to do with her. She looked exactly like you, down to the cleavage.”
He nuzzles against her neck. “She said stupid shit. That you’ve had better, I’m casual sex, I’m not your number one, I’ll never be your number one, and I’m not even your third or fourth choice.” And everything she’d said, besides the casual bit, stung because Gojyo could see it being true. What idiot would pick him first anyways? Sure, he was magnificent in bed, but she’d had plenty.
With a deep breath, Gojyo pushed down his insecurities. He had too many, and a lack of sleep from seeing or hearing his mother every fucking night wasn’t helping. He pulled his head up and looked her in the eyes, hoping his gaze was steady. “I don’t know who she was, and I know I’m not just casual sex. So she and her words don’t matter. I’d be proud to prove that you that I am at least one of the best in bed you have had and will ever have, if not the very best.” He grinned, glad his words were at least working on him.
Ginia’s mouth went dry and she blinked at his words, unable to believe what she was hearing. Even if she couldn’t deny there would always be a place in her heart reserved for Evan and there would never be anyone else like him, she loved Gojyo, not just for the sex, and if she had to rank him in comparison to her other lovers, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to. Though he’d be at the top of the list. Under Evan. Maybe. She wasn’t even sure about things anymore.
/…I need something to drink./ she signed quickly before moving away from him to get her tea from the counter. It was already cold and lacking the usual sugar she put in her tea, but she still drank it anyway. Even if the words weren’t true, she, or some part of her, had still said them. A part that looked exactly like her, and was locked up behind a cage. Cruelty and anger, perhaps? But even that didn’t make any sense.
The memory of her torturing the man with her knife flashed through her mind and she almost dropped her teacup in surprise. While she couldn’t deny the violence of her actions, she also couldn’t deny how good it felt to get revenge on the person who had tortured her sister. All of them had been hunted down in a similar fashion and she didn’t feel bad about it. Though she did remember how Erika had said nothing when she handed over a towel so she could wipe her face clean.
”Are you happy now, Alice?”
Erika’s words crossed her mind and she quickly looked back at Gojyo. /…Did she give a name or anything?/
The grin had been cleanly wiped from his face when all she’d said was that she needed her tea. Gojyo let go, staring. She hadn’t denied a bit of it. His arms dangled uselessly at his sides while he leaned against the wall. Well. So it was completely true, then. He managed to stop staring, and looked down at his feet. He’d been a fool to think things were that easily taken care of, an idiot to hope that for once maybe he did come first.
Catching sight of her hands moving, he drew his gaze back up. “Uh. No. No name.” Damn. She hadn’t even denied the casual sex. Which meant… she loved him but he was replaceable, basically. That seemed to fit the situation.
Gojyo suddenly remembered that he’d forgotten to mention the hospital stay, but it probably didn’t matter. Especially now. She would be busy trying to figure out the cage, and he needed to keep a poker face until he could get out and beat the shit out of a building and himself. “Right. Tea.” He pushed off of the wall and fixed the drink, keeping his head down. He’s all-too-aware of the fact that his eyes show too much sometimes, and she’s got her own issues to deal with.
Ginia looked back at her tea. Could that be Alice? It seemed to make sense. There were times when it felt like it was less her carrying out a job, but someone else, the same when she had been afflicted by wrath though that been more to an extreme level. The more she thought on it, the more it scared her. What would it mean if that cage was broken and that other version of Ginia was free?
She looked over at Gojyo and quickly walked over to him, embracing him tightly. While she couldn’t take back the words her mind had already said, she could try to ease his concerns. /Gojyo, please don’t listen to those words. You aren’t just for casual sex, you aren’t. I’m sorry, no one will ever be able to replace Evan, not you, not Hakkai, not anyone else because no one else can be Evan, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less or place any less value on you. I love you and I want you and right now I’m scared because if there’s another side of me that would intentionally hurt you…/
Her signs trailed off and she looked at him before hugging him tightly again. She wouldn’t let that other side get out. She couldn’t.
Gojyo’s eyes search hers. He’s not going to open his mouth very quickly this time, but he’s reading the signs. Finally he closed his eyes, holding her back. “I… Look. I know you didn’t get any sort of prize when you got me. I know what I’m worth. And I know I’m too fucking insecure. I just...” Just sucked with words, sucked at life, pretty much sucked in general.
“I wasn’t listening to them until you didn’t say anything, and I didn’t know what else to think. I’m not smart, and sometimes the obvious answer is easy to reach. And I’m short on sleep, which doesn’t help me make sense of shit. When I fall asleep I’m in some other person’s mind or I’m dealing with my mom crying, which I thought I was done dealing with. But since Sunday…” when Unohana had been in his mind. He couldn’t remember many specifics inside his own mind, but there had been a key that fell, and that’s when the crying had started again. “Damn. There’s got to be something I can do about it.”
Gojyo shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. “I’m used to being hurt. I deal. You don’t have to worry about it. I just… I’ve got one question. What happens if Evan shows up here?” Kanan had shown up, and Hakkai actually seemed to have healed from it. But she’d only been temporary.
/I’m sorry, I’m not making much sense either and there’s too much on my mind. It’s an excuse, I know, but… it’s disorienting to see your own death. And then learn you were buried./
Her death hadn’t left her mind, not since it came to her early Monday morning, jolting her out of her sleep and leaving her shaking. She knew she had died, but to see it, to feel everything again, had shattered the already cracking foundation she had set long ago. And then knowing she had been buried and come back to life brought up new questions. While Unohana said she believed there was nothing inside the grave and Ginia was prone to believe her, what if there was something? What if some part of her was still down in that grave? What would that mean? If there was a body down there, then who was she?
But it wasn’t all about her, not when they all had their problems. She gently stroked his cheek and ran her hand over his chest before signing again. /If I could silence her, I would. I’m sorry I can’t. And of course I worry. That’s a part of caring./
When Evan was brought up, she slumped a little. It was a thought that had crossed her mind several times, still crossed her mind. It was in the same vein of what if the rest of her family appeared, either before or after their deaths, and became permanent residents. That would make her happier more than anything to see them again, to talk to them, to hold them again. But Evan was different.
/…I don’t know. Yes, I love him, but there was a point where I accepted the fact he was dead and I would never see him again. Here changes things because he might come. I highly doubt it, but I wouldn’t rule it out. And… yes, I would be happy to see him. It would be odd though, awkward even. I was young when I met him, I’d built a world around him since he was all I had. He gave me stability and a new life. I’m older now and I’ve seen a lot more and I’m not the same person. I don’t know if he’d still love me now. I’m not the Ginia I used to be./
“Buried? Shit.” He didn’t know anyone got buried here, since they came back. “That’s creepy as hell. Did you… when you came back, you didn’t have to dig yourself out or anything?” It was a little disturbing to think about, and he really didn’t want his mind to dwell on her being dead.
He leaned into her touch with a small smile. “I know. Maybe it will stop on its own when this shit is over.” The smile got a little wry. That was basically what he’d said, wasn’t it. “Damn. When I say stupid shit it backfires, and when I say things that make sense they get used right back on me. I’m going to start using pictures. I’ll communicate through stick people.”
Gojyo reached up, rubbing her shoulders when they slumped. He’d known it wouldn’t be an easy question, but he had to ask it. He didn’t want to get replaced. “So… if he comes… I’ve still got you? I can’t stop you from loving him, I don’t want to try, and I don’t even think I could. But I’d like to know that here… here I’m up there in your choice list. She wasn’t lying when she said you could have just about anyone. I’ve seen how others talk to you, I’ve heard shit.” His voice becomes quieter, his eyes not quite meeting hers. “I don’t want to lose you. If you left me…” Gojyo didn’t have the words to finish that. He doesn’t know how he’d deal with it. One day, the world will end this. He knows it. Either he’ll be pulled back home, or she will be, or the scientists would ‘fix’ whatever they’d done. Whatever causes it, he will lose her. “If you left me intentionally, I…” At least that was more clear. And still incomplete. But there wasn’t much he could do about it.
/They didn’t know about the dead coming back to life, not before I died./ Looking at her words, she felt even more pathetic. She was the first to die, an example for everyone for what happened when you died and came back to life. /But I… I don’t remember. I don’t think I dug myself out, I just… no, I don’t think I did. There was someone waiting for me, he…/
It all went back to a past lover in some way or another, but this was one lover she couldn’t remember, not in any sort of detail. She looked away slightly. /His name was Zeruel. Michio. I’m not sure which one it was, but we were together. He… told me that. My death was faked. And then I disappeared and didn’t know him when I came back. He defended my bar after I broke in. To play the piano. We fought. He threw me into a table and broke my ribs, I shot him and ran. We talked again and then… he disappeared. I don’t remember too much else about him./
She grew quiet and looked down. She must have loved him, deeply if patterns were to be repeated. But it brought back the worst of her fears, disappearing a second time and forgetting about everyone or dying and losing her memories. She glanced at Gojyo and tried to smile at him, but it felt empty. She was done with crying and being upset over things, but she wasn’t in the mood to smile, not yet at least.
/…You still have me if you still want me. You and Hakkai, there’s no one else I love around here as much as I love you two. Alle and Lockon… they’re brothers to me, though we’re slowly rebuilding our relationship. A lot has changed and we’re… we’re rebuilding. Slowly. But I won’t leave you, not if I can help it. I’ll kick and claw and fight if the scientists or Animus or anyone else try to drag me away, not without… not without trying to say goodbye./
Ginia’s head fell back down and her hand balled into a fist. She could feel something snapping inside her, some last barrier or wall or front she kept up beginning to crumble. Tears beginning to stream down her cheek, she looked at him with a determined expression and quickly wiped her tears away and took a deep breath.
/…If they take me away, I’m finding my way back to you. I don’t care what it’ll take. I’m coming back to you./
“If you’ve got to do something, be the first to do it. I bet you scared the shit out of them, coming back.” And there was another lover to add to the list here, it seemed. Not like he had the least cause to judge or be jealous, he’d slept his way across half of Asia so far, practically. At least he hadn’t met the guy. Alle and Lockon he had. And they didn’t remember, so that made things easier on him too.
Gojyo leaned down and kissed her softly. “I want you. I want you so damn badly, Ginia. I will do everything I can to stay by your side for as long as you want me.”
/If you’re setting a standard, set it high. But from what I remember, it had been a surprise to everyone./ she vaguely remembered meeting with some people to discuss the experience. Ms. Unohana, perhaps? It certainly seemed likely. A part of her wished there were others around who remembered the incident and could shed more light on it, but perhaps it was for the best. It wouldn’t change anything.
She returned the kiss, keeping it soft and gentle but filled with passion and need. Her body pressed close to his and ground slowly against him, not caring in the slightest if they were caught in the kitchen by any of their other housemates. Maybe Hakkai would wander by. He was certainly free to join them.
Pulling away from the kiss, she moved back enough to sign, /I want you and Hakkai for forever, but I want you here. Now./ before holding and kissing him again.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been the first to do something, though I’m the first in a while to have the Shakujo. Then again, it startled the hell out of me just as much as anyone else.” He shrugged, and started getting into the kiss. It wasn’t hard as she moved against him, and he moved right back.
Reading the signs, he grinned. “Same here, beautiful Ginia.” Gladly Gojyo slipped his hands into her shirt. If talks all ended like this, he wouldn’t ever mind having one with her.